Grateful and thank you.

[newstart]

Thank you to those that have offer direction and prayer, some of you have been on this journey longer than I have and your guidance has been heard, appreciated and practiced. I feel grateful for you and this site.
I've been on a long winding journey with my 38 year old daughter.
When I write about the good things, I am well aware that any second the other shoe can drop.
We are back to doing some family activities together, my husband, daughter and me. My daughter is working, and selling her art. She is making her bills and buying a few things for her home, I did a home inspection and the place looks better and feels better.
My daughter lives part time with her boyfriend and part time in her home but lately more time at her house. The more time she is away from her boyfriend the better she gets. I do not ask any questions about her personal life and especially about her worthless boyfriend. She did slip up and tell me that he has trashed out his mother's home, bought a new puppy and the dog craps everywhere. I asked her if it bothered her to spend the night in a home that is nasty, she said it stinks but it is not her home and she tries to ignore it and they get along better. I reminded her how important it is to have a clean and well organized home and she told me that she feels so much better since the boyfriend moved out.
My daughter looks better, I see light in her eyes and we both are able to laugh together.
I found out the boyfriend thought her house was in her name and wanted her to sell it and buy them a home in the country. We are grateful that the house is in our name and he can't take it. He trashes everything he gets his hands on.
A friend of mine met my daughter's boyfriend and then sent me a Podcast about a psychopath named John Meehan, the name of the podcast is 'Dirty John', it is about a man that takes advantage of women and the destruction he has left behind. The woman that John was last married to had 4 children of her own, and when I heard her daughter describe John, it was the exact words that I use to describe my daughter's boyfriend, word for word.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear newstart:

I'm happy for you about the things that are better. And also for your daughter who little by little seems to be finding stability and hope. It's always seemed to me that she loves you so much, wants you in her life, and wants to be with you. How wonderful for both of you that you've found a way, for now, to be together.

And it's phenomenal that your daughter is doing stuff to make her life better and have more comfort and order in her space. I love that she's doing artwork and selling it. She must be quite talented.

Sometimes I think what is key for us is finding a way to stay in the game. But, as you say, it takes two to do that. Each of you seems to be giving some. I hope this is at some point possible for my son and me.

As far as the guy, that's chilling about his influencing her to try to sell the house (under the illusion that she could). And so good you've protected yourselves and your daughter, this way. Maybe little by little your daughter will further marginalize him. That would be a wonderful thing. But what control do we have? In my own family, very, very little.

Love, Copa

 

[RN0441]

Wow that is a scary comparison the character (who is a real person) in Dirty John! I saw that last year and told my single friends to watch it also.

I'm so happy for you that your daughter has more and more moments of doing the right thing. I hope this continues in 2021!

Hugs.

 

[newstart]

Dear newstart:

I'm happy for you about the things that are better. And also for your daughter who little by little seems to be finding stability and hope. It's always seemed to me that she loves you so much, wants you in her life, and wants to be with you. How wonderful for both of you that you've found a way, for now, to be together.

And it's phenomenal that your daughter is doing stuff to make her life better and have more comfort and order in her space. I love that she's doing artwork and selling it. She must be quite talented.

Sometimes I think what is key for us is finding a way to stay in the game. But, as you say, it takes two to do that. Each of you seems to be giving some. I hope this is at some point possible for my son and me.

As far as the guy, that's chilling about his influencing her to try to sell the house (under the illusion that she could). And so good you've protected yourselves and your daughter, this way. Maybe little by little your daughter will further marginalize him. That would be a wonderful thing. But what control do we have? In my own family, very, very little.

Love, Copa

Thank you Copa, I hope that you and your son can smooth things out to where they are workable. I hope things are better between you both.
My daughter inherited my great grandfather and grandfather's artistic abilities, both men were famous European artists. I first noticed her talent when she was two years old and tried to draw a picture on the wall with her poo. Only a mother could see the talent in that mess.
My greatest hope is for my daughter to find a functional working relationship. I know how terribly hard it is to live with her. Thank you for all your support. Love back to you.

 

[newstart]

Wow that is a scary comparison the character (who is a real person) in Dirty John! I saw that last year and told my single friends to watch it also.

I'm so happy for you that your daughter has more and more moments of doing the right thing. I hope this continues in 2021!

Hugs.

Thank you RN. Glad you told your single friends about the Dirty John Video. I hope things are still going well with your son. I am so glad he made that turn around. Things are better between my daughter and me but sometimes my resentment slips out of my mouth about things that she does. I am working on this, it does not help either one of us. My daughter is busy but tries to make time to do things with us. I am grateful for all good things, not grateful for bad things. Hugs and love back to you.

 

[Copabanana]

I hope that you and your son can smooth things out to where they are workable. I hope things are better between you both.

Dear newstart (and everybody)

I am the weak link in our relationship, my son's and mine. I am very reactive. I make everything into a mountain. Because I find the way he lives quite unbearable. It is very like you describe with your daughter. There is a great love between us but we can't be close. He triggers me and he is manipulative and lies. White lies. For small things. But lies nonetheless. And I seem unable to let go of the need to have him live better. I don't know if he is capable. Or willing. My son has lived away from me now for almost 9 months. It's been the best for me that it's been for years. But now he has to move and he's more than hinting he wants to come back to a house I own in my town, hinting that he wants to take up where things left off. His paying lip service to conditions, which would be doing some volunteer work. Both of us know he's just saying what will work in order to get a foothold. It's very hard for me.

We all of us want the same things for them. That they build character, find stability and productivity. Be in touch with their hearts, including heart for themselves. How do we stay in the game while tolerating something quite a bit less than what we would wish for? It is especially difficult for those of us with kids who are mentally ill and don't get treatment. But what can I say? My son is a decent person. He loves me. That should be enough for me, but it's not. I don't know how to get over this. I have written before (over and over) that my son has a potentially fatal illness. How would I feel if I lost him when thus far I am unable to fully accept the son I love with all of my heart?

Thank you newstart. It is always nice to connect with you.

 

[newstart]

Copa, I hear you about your son having a potential fatal illness. My daughter has serious problems. One of the reasons she got away with so much is because I cut her slack just in case something would happen to her and while cutting her slack she ripped me off, used and abused me. She knew I was worried sick about her so she took full advantage. There are many other parents that just don't want to be alone or feel they owe their child something and the battle continues. One of the reasons I became stronger and took the bull by the horns was when my son's spirit visited me and told me that each person's death date is predetermined. Your day to die is just that, your day to die. Many people try to die and can't or come close and should of but did not. Knowing that is what made me cut the BS in half and stop tolerating abuse. She is still abusive but way better than before. My daughter's level of nasty when she is manic is so deep that I have no idea how she can sleep with herself.
Copa, Your son knows your deep worry over him and I am sure he is taking advantage. I pray that he can mature and realize life is fast and hope he can appreciate you and all you do for him. I hope this happens soon.