grieving my son

[Jen]

I have learned to accept that my husband will not grieve on anything the way that I would. What I learned to accept is that he still loves me, and that how he reacts is not to be takenly personally.

You have every right to feel what you are feeling towards your son, and in that with a written explanation you have shown how he is stil being held accountable.

I had to be that way with my son, and eventually he did stand up on his 2 feet. I dont tell him alot of times that I love him, so when I do he chuckles nervously, tells me he loves me, and definitely knowws I am approving of the right choices he is making all on his own.

Jennifer

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks to all that posted. You are all right. He has been in jail before on Christmas. I dont know why I thought it couldnt happen again. I just remember all the Christmas' when he was here and our family was together "normally". You are right about him not being on the street. That is always so scary. I may go see him tomorrow in jail. I have not been up there yet. I really dont want to go - I feel bad not going. I havae written him a lot of letters. I sometimes try to pretent he is in another state living wonderfully - and then I remember where he actually is - I also think he will eventually get out I just dont know when - I believe he will do time. I will need everyone then. It is nice to talk to others that have been there done that. Thanks :flower:

 

[PonyGirl]

If you don't want to go to see him at the jail, it's okay. You don't have to feel bad. Try not to waste time on Guilt. There's enough other valid emotions to get thru, you can toss Guilt right out the window.


It's another chance to work on those detachment skills. It's okay if your feelings are more important than his feelings.
It might even help your son reach his bottom a bit more, having no visitors - or at least having no visits from Mom. Might make him stop & think.

I used to pretend, too! I pretended difficult child was "away at college" like all the other kids his age :shocked: It helped.

Peace

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Pony Girl! I seem to be weepy today for some reason. I am going to see my counselor at 12:00. Thank goodness. I am always in the middle. My daughter that just got married - we are building our relationship back. She kinda detached when she was 16. She started dating her now husband then. They were together 24/7 except for school and work, etc. She was still living at home but spending a lot of time at his parents house because his sisters were her age. I felt so left out. I was so in the middle of my difficult children nightmare that my daughter probably felt left out too. I never meant for it to be that way. When they were little I stayed home with them and we did so many wonderful things. Then when the roof started to cave in all I could think about was stopping it. I tried everything I knew how. I feel like I am still trying but not as hard - It seems you get to a point that it doesnt matter what you do - you've already tried everything what is the use of doing it over and over!

 

[susiestar]

Stands,

I have not been there done that with anything like this. But you have my support and shoulder to cry on when you need it.

Maybe at the Holidays you could make an effort to have some quiet times where you count the blessing you do have?

It sounds as though you are making progress. Remember, progress, not perfection!!!
Sending hugs and prayers,

Susie

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks sooooooooo much for your encouragement. I may just need that shoulder. I will rememeber progress not perfection! thanks Stands

 

[KFld]

Stands, how did counseling go yesterday?? I hope it went well. I could be totally off with this, but I think a very important thing to discuss with your counselor, and maybe this has already been said and I missed it, but you need to discuss being happy by yourself and with yourself. I remember all too well being so consumed by difficult child's problems that easy child felt left out, so I have been there done that.

It sounds like you have a lot of trouble being by yourself and feeling left out. Almost like that has been your purpose for so long and now you don't know what to do with youself. You need to find another purpose, and that purpose is you.

I can say this because it is something I am going through right now, but for different reasons, and my counselor is helping me with it. My easy child and I moved into our own apartment about a month ago and in the beginning I was feeling pretty lonely at times. My brother in law and sister in law who have been so supportive of me and were keeping me so busy left for Florida about a week after I moved in and they won't be home until next weekend. My easy child has a busy life of her own, school, working, boyfriend, so I have had to adjust to spending so much more time by myself and at first I was feeling sorry for myself. Friday and Saturday nights have been pretty quiet for me around here, which was unheard of when s2bx and I were still together. We were never sitting home on a Friday or Saturday night.

Now through counseling I am learning to enjoy the time to myself. Last night was Saturday night and I spent it home alone, reading, watching t.v., going on the computer, and I enjoyed it. It took a few Saturdays, and long weekends, but I realized last night that it was o.k. to be here by myself enjoying my new home. I'm also starting to consider different things I might join that I was always too busy to before. Things that will keep me busy and maybe introduce me to some new people.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I just wanted to share my personal experience and maybe give you a little hope that you can just be you and be happy with it.

 

[standswithcourage]

I think that is perfect. I have experienced those times too lately. I do feel comfortable by myself. My counselor told me to take this time to pamper myself, read, journal, write, and rest. I havae always been there for everyone else and found that it was selfish of me to think of myself first. But now, I feel like it is part of my "medicine" to think of myself first. It is hard though because I have not been programmed that way!
My children Always came first - even before my husband and even God. Sometimes I think that is the way God got my attention. However, I have been going through this bondage too long.

 

[ScentofCedar]

I wanted to add that it is a good thing to feel weepy, Stands. When we are in extreme pain, we numb out emotionally. We begin interacting with the outside world as caricatures of who we thought we were before the bad things began to happen.

We become very brittle, almost-on-automatic shells of the persons we were, once.

And we never cry.

I never did.

The weepiness means the emotions are there to be dealt with, now.

Have you discussed this change with your counselor or physician?

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

I havent discussed them yet. I did make an appointment for a physical in December. I have beenon Zoloft for 5 or 6 years. Ever since my son dropped out of high school. I am not sure it is working or maybe I need to take another approach. You have a wise way of expressing yourself and I like it. thanks :its_all_good:

 

[witzend]

Susan, are you seeing a therapist yourself? It's really difficult to get an appointment right away, and this seems like a good time for you to explore your own feelings and desires. If you are just getting medications, but no therapy to go along with it, you should make an appointment to talk with someone and do some testing to see if this is still fitting your needs. I suspect not.

 

[standswithcourage]

Probably not. I am going to a therapist. My gyn doctor was the one that prescribed the zoloft about 5 years ago. I believe it had a lot to do with the fact I was menopausal and my son had just dropped out of school. It helped me and I have beenon it ever since. My therapist does not prescribe medication.

 

[rejectedmom]

When my difficult child was in I didn't go to see him but I worried about him alot. I would push it away but then I would come across something that reminded me of him as a little boy and allt he feelings would flood back in. After a while it got easier. I would actually enjoy thinking about him as a little boy and I could do it without getting angry about where he ended up. Now I stay involved only to help him stay on track. I call him once a week and take his calles when he wants to talk. But I do not get involved with his chaos. If he starts complaining I tell him to talk with his therapist. It is no longer my problem and I LIKE it that way. It is a process and we all take a different amount of time to end up in the same place. You will get there.
Take time for yourself and heal. I have learned to be protective of me. It was a hard lesson but one that is well worth learning. -RM

 

[ScentofCedar]

Know what I used to do?

Bury my face in a pillow and scream.

Sometimes, I would have to pound the pillow really hard, first.

For some of us, the training to wear a pleasant expression and never allow a negative thought or feeling to take hold is so strong that we bury the feelings deep in our psyches where we never have to acknowledge them. But what happened to me when I did that is that I lost access to any of my other real feelings, too.

I was just...numb.

That is what I meant by becoming caricatures of who we thought we were. For me at least, it was like I chose every smallest action. Nothing was natural anymore. In burying my emotions, I lost confidence in my capacity to assess a situation correctly in a natural, easy way.

I had to fight very hard to win my trust in myself back.

If you are going to try to reach those emotions, discuss coping techniques with your counselor first, Stands.

If you are anything like me, the rage I had hidden from myself was so intense that I NEEDED someone to help me know what to do with it.

I think that for so many of us, the time you are going through now is our body's last attempt to get us to release those emotions.

I think many of us begin experiencing physical illnesses if these feelings are not dealt with.

I developed ulcers and asthma. husband lost patches of hair from his head and from his beard.

When the hair grew in again, it was pure white.

Anxiety attacks, utter loss of the capacity to cherish or take joy in myself ~ I don't know. There were so many horrible things happening during that time.

I would make a time to feel the feelings, do it, journal about it, and talk about what I did not understand with my therapist the next time I saw him (or her).

I was in therapy for a really long time. :bag:

But I would do it all again in a minute.

It just hurts so much when the numbness wears off and we see where life has taken us.

And where it has taken our children, no matter how hard we tried to save them.

You will make it, Stands.

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

Barbara - your posts are like an angel to me. :angel: Thanks for giving me encouragement when I really need it. I will talk to my therapist about what you said. She did tell me to write, read, rest, etc. How did you get through all of it and didnt have to go to therapy anymore? I feel I will have to go the rest of my life. I am still on the edge of amountain it seems. I am trying to pass a major test in Teaching, teach school and deal with finances and deal with impending doom for my son it seems. I want to stop the impending doom so I wont have to face it. I keep trying to find ways to stop it because I am good at finding ways and talking to people and sometimes I feel like my difficult child doesnt know who to talk to or what to do = but maybe he does and I just dont let him have a chance because I am doing it for him. Duh! :hammer:

 

[standswithcourage]

Again sometimes I wish we could all meet somewhere in the United States and have a convention about all of this. WE would have so much fun! :smile:

 

[mom_in_training]

"but maybe he does and I just dont let him have a chance because I am doing it for him. Duh!"

Could not have said it better. There is so much truth in what you said. I look at it this way if a parent coddles their adult child or drops everything to rescue this adult that for whatever reason continues to make bad choices then how is it that they are supposed to figure out life in general. We all had to start somewhere to be who we are today. I let go when my difficult child was on the street(4 months)I knew that my grabbing her up for the save was not the answer knowing that she would not want the help offered. I basically came to the conclusion that she had to hit rock bottom and decide for herself if she wanted her life to be different, She did and she is doing great now. It was the hardest time of my life not knowing that she was ok. But we got through it. Its all about life lessons, We all have to experience it to learn by it. You will never know how your son feels let alone what hes going through (But remember he chose his path), You can only imagine and I see that you have been struggling with that but you have come a long ways as far as realizing that you have to let go. Stay tough and don't let his bad choices that you don't have the power to change take you over.

:Quote: If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things."
Norman Douglas

 

[standswithcourage]

Very true. This is the hardest thing for me is not to go see him in jail. I havent felt guilty enough this time to run up there and wait an hour to see him. thinking that it was going to make a difference - thinnking that his mother was there no matter what - like always - I have written him letters and told him I loved him always but I have not seen him - the anxiousness comes flooding back when I see him and I want to fix - it is easier when they are not here - but still sad.

 

[ScentofCedar]

thinking that it was going to make a difference - thinnking that his mother was there no matter what

Stands?

The first time I said the words "You were raised better than this." to my son, he began to believe it, too.

There has been a change in our son over the past months. The change is for the better ~ but oddly enough, the change only began to happen when I STOPPED loving him in that permissive, all-inclusive, non-judgmental way.

So maybe ~ was it Roget whose theory was that with unconditional love, all things flower?

Maybe Roget was wrong, after all.

I wonder how much a permissive, forever loving mother enables an addicted child to continue following those paths to self destruction?

If your own mother does not apply a standard to your behavior, why would you ever believe it was wrong to do to yourself what you are doing?

So, maybe your current responses toward your son and his situation are exactly, precisely, the correct responses to make to a child who needs, for his own sake, to change his ways.

Maybe Stands, loving attention and approval that is not earned damages self-respect?

Especially when the child was raised to know better, and understands, on some level, that he is letting you down and therefore, does not merit your attention or kindness ~ ad certainly, has not earned your approval.

I'm thinking about my son now more than yours, actually.

But that seems to have been when the change occurred.

I swear you guys, difficult child was complaining about his air-conditioning bill a phone call or two ago.

I know that those of us familiar with the usual patterns of addicted kids will recognize that as indicative of a major, unbelievably successful turn toward the right direction.

So Stands, you ARE doing the right thing, I think.

It just FEELS wrong, because it is different.

Then too, I think we often feel we have broken something when our children are in trouble, and that we have to take responsibility and go through whatever the consequences are with them.

We want them to know they are so much better than what they got.

It's a very strange place for me to be perceiving from.

Because lately I can see a different truth so clearly.

Barbara

 

[STILLjustamom]

My son was gone for 2 Christmas's 2 Thanksgivings and 2 of his birthdays because of being in prison. It is sad, but you have to focus on what you have and try to enjoy it. You can't change what this reality, only try to look at the deeper meaning and accept it for what it is.