Had a nice visit

[Lil]

Jabber and I are back from our vacation/visit with our son. It was very pleasant. He wanted us to come his work instead of waiting for him to get off, so we did, and he took his lunch break then and we had a short visit. Later we met him and his girlfriend for dinner. He offered to pay for theirs, but we didn't allow it. Good thing since he didn't really have enough money. Two days later we picked them up early to spend the day together and they had a birthday cake and card for me. I cried, which apparently he'd bet her I would. lol. While I'm sure it was largely her idea, it's the first time he's ever done anything like that. We found a mountain lake and had a piece. It was freezing and lovely and the best birthday ever. We had breakfast the next day before we left.

Physically, he hasn't changed a bit. Needs a haircut and shave, desperately needs a dentist, dresses like a slob. Somehow I expected more of a difference there. But he's holding a job, paying rent to her parents and was just a pleasure to be around. Other than letting us pay for every meal, he asked for nothing. He says he'll never come back to Missouri, and I think that's good. I'm a bit concerned he'll have issues at work if he doesn't clean up... He works at a deli...but that's his problem.

His girlfriend is awesome. Only 19, but has a good head on her shoulders. She's laying out a year of college because she needs to figure out how to pay for it; and planning on a bio-chem degree and pre-m e d! She's very bright and determined to go back. She doesn't really take any crap off him...giving him "the look" when he'd say he didn't drink much, etc. I do think she's good for him. It was kind of amusing... he's such a picky eater and only really likes plain foods and she's Mexican! She teased him a lot about eating...i guess he eats out quite a lot since they only eat mexican food... and speak Spanish... which he doesn't. He'll learn.

All things considered, I'd say he's doing well at the moment. Fingers crossed.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil. What good news.

Is this the same girl he was staying with in the dorm?

 

[Littleboylost]

Jabber and I are back from our vacation/visit with our son. It was very pleasant. He wanted us to come his work instead of waiting for him to get off, so we did, and he took his lunch break then and we had a short visit. Later we met him and his girlfriend for dinner. He offered to pay for theirs, but we didn't allow it. Good thing since he didn't really have enough money. Two days later we picked them up early to spend the day together and they had a birthday cake and card for me. I cried, which apparently he'd bet her I would. lol. While I'm sure it was largely her idea, it's the first time he's ever done anything like that. We found a mountain lake and had a piece. It was freezing and lovely and the best birthday ever. We had breakfast the next day before we left.

Physically, he hasn't changed a bit. Needs a haircut and shave, desperately needs a dentist, dresses like a slob. Somehow I expected more of a difference there. But he's holding a job, paying rent to her parents and was just a pleasure to be around. Other than letting us pay for every meal, he asked for nothing. He says he'll never come back to Missouri, and I think that's good. I'm a bit concerned he'll have issues at work if he doesn't clean up... He works at a deli...but that's his problem.

His girlfriend is awesome. Only 19, but has a good head on her shoulders. She's laying out a year of college because she needs to figure out how to pay for it; and planning on a bio-chem degree and pre-m e d! She's very bright and determined to go back. She doesn't really take any crap off him...giving him "the look" when he'd say he didn't drink much, etc. I do think she's good for him. It was kind of amusing... he's such a picky eater and only really likes plain foods and she's Mexican! She teased him a lot about eating...i guess he eats out quite a lot since they only eat mexican food... and speak Spanish... which he doesn't. He'll learn.

All things considered, I'd say he's doing well at the moment. Fingers crossed.

Great visit and Happy Belated Birthday!!

 

[Lil]

Lil. What good news.

Is this the same girl he was staying with in the dorm?

Yes. They've been together nearly the whole time he's been out there! I guess I have to question her judgment a bit there...taking up with a homeless guy...but he must be a whole lot more charming than I give him credit for. LOL. But she's also not going to let him get away with laziness. Once, when we passed a guy panhandling, she remarked, "Anyone who can hold a sign all day can work at McDonalds!"

I like her.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil. It is to his credit he picked a strong woman like his mom. How is jabber? What are his thoughts on these changes?

 

[BusynMember]

I am thrilled. But he always seemed to have more strengths than many kids here. Good for him on the job!

Happy Happy!

 

[Lil]

Lil. It is to his credit he picked a strong woman like his mom. How is jabber? What are his thoughts on these changes?

Aww. Thanks Copa.

I think he sees positive changes happening. I'm sure he'll chime in later.

 

[pasajes4]

I love a happy story.

 

[Sam3]

That's such a nice account. It's so nice that he's accepting the love of a strong young lady.

It's funny. I don't know if you think this of your son's situation but my son was able to be kind to me and accept kindnesses from me, via his girlfriend -- in ways that he couldn't without her. He seemed nourished by the fact that I treated her like family because she was far from home in college. When we were in the Midwest visiting respective families over the holidays, they went out in freezing weather and brought back emergen-C when I got sick. It was such a surprise. It was like she helped him reintegrate parts of himself that he had compartmentalized.

Maybe it's not surprising that his current spiraling started after he broke up with her. Hopefully that year of living warmly is at least a little ember for him to access

 

[BusynMember]

That warmth is still in him. It will emerge again.

 

[Kalahou]

Lil,
Good to hear the positive update from you folks. I know it must ease your concerns a bit. Glad the visit went well. This is encouraging.

 

[StillStanding]

Thanks for sharing this positive story. I'm thrilled for your family.

 

[Albatross]

That's very encouraging, Lil! Glad you had such a nice visit and nice birthday!

 

[Lil]

Thanks all. I'm calling it cautious optimism. Its not as though he's a whole new person. I'm sure to much of his paycheck is going to stupidness like fast food and alcohol and weed. But it's a start. If this is as good as it gets...so long as he's happy...it'll do.

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like a good visit! She must see something in him that is promising. I think many men are more able to connect through their womenfolk.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Physically, he hasn't changed a bit. Needs a haircut and shave, desperately needs a dentist, dresses like a slob. Somehow I expected more of a difference there. But he's holding a job, paying rent to her parents and was just a pleasure to be around. Other than letting us pay for every meal, he asked for nothing.

And I would have been surprised if there was a huge physical change. I think with my line of work, I'm more used to seeing how long true change actually takes. He was more pleasant to be around. Was still a bit of a smart ass but that's not exactly unexpected and I was a bit tense not knowing exactly what to expect. While he never offered to pay for another meal, part of it was he simply didn't have the money. Yes, he probably spent it before we got there on silliness but it was done. I think when I showed him the bill from the first night and we talked about what a proper tip was, he was a bit shell shocked by it. Not just because of that particular meal, but the way he acted after hinted to me that it finally dawned on him exactly what kind of money we have spent on him over the years every time we went out to eat and he wanted an extra meal for later.

Has he grown up yet? No, but he is heading in the right direction and that's all I can ask for.

 

[Lil]

I think when I showed him the bill from the first night and we talked about what a proper tip was, he was a bit shell shocked by it.

Yes...that was rather shocking to him. He had said he'd pay for their meal and then when we refused, to get the tip. At the end of the meal, he pulls out $6.00. His thinking was that $4.00 is what he usually tips, so $6.00 with two more people would be fine. We explained the 15% rule and, as it turned out, the bill was $99.00 and change, so a $15.00 tip was in order. Applebee's puts the math for tips at various percentages on the tab as a suggestion, so he looked at that and you could see he was shocked. He had $50 on him, but that was all he had and so in the end, we all ended up putting in enough to get us to $15.00. He's used to paying $20.00 or so for two meals, and with drinks and appetizer and meals the bill was five times that.

 

[Jabberwockey]

And afterwards, he pretty much spent the last of his money on the card and cake with just a bit left over. $50 doesn't really go all that far and he's finally starting to get that.

 

[Lil]

And afterwards, he pretty much spent the last of his money on the card and cake with just a bit left over. $50 doesn't really go all that far and he's finally starting to get that.

True. I'd forgotten him mentioning that the card was like $6.00! Silly to spend that much...but I still get a little teary thinking about the fact that he gave me a card and cake.

 

[Tanya M]

What a wonderful report and post. I'm so happy for you and Jabber that you had a nice visit with him. It really does sound like he's working on figuring it all out. How special that he remembered your birthday!

Happy Belated Birthday from me!!