Hard to accept

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. I guess I am just emotional today but it hurts so badly. The thought of my son not caring about his family, not wanted to see us or spend time with us, not being able to pick up the phone and have an actual conversation and laugh with him, etc.
    Not having any desire to fly out to see him or wanting to pay for his ticket to fly home- what kind of mother am I?
    How can it get to this point?
    We were a family who spent so much time together. Family vacations, mini golf, bike riding, day trips, etc. Ate meals together, swimming, always had the moto "cleaning can wait because time goes to fast and it is more important to spend time with my children".
    Just breaks my heart. It is like he has passed away.
    I hear "where there is life there is hope" so I keep praying.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    You are the mother of an adult. Even nice adult kids dont hang with their family of origin all the time. That is not the norm.

    Addicts are not loving family members. I am in Al Anon. The grown kids are ALL like your son and my Kay. You didnt
    cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.

    Do you get help? Go to therapy or Al Anon for support? This is too hard to do alone or even just with this forum, which does help. I highly suggest a lot of help. It is not good for you or him for you to obsess over your son.

    In Al Anon I learned to accept that I may never have a normal mom/daughter relationship with Kay. The realization panicked me and sent me into grief at first. I was in fetal position for weeks just crying. But with time and therapy I came to accept it. It takes time and support in my opinion. Its hard, but it is a doable and a relief once you come to acceptance again in my opinion. And not facing it just makes us grieve all the time. We deserve to move on. They sure are not thinking about us unless they want something. This is so abnormal for 30 year olds. My Kay can throw a monster tantrum, like a kid, if I say no.

    I hope you do things for yourself so you can learn to cope and live life even though your son is a trainwreck, like my Kay. If you dont get help, you will mentally fall apart like I used to do. Our falling apart does not help our kids. If it did, I would gladly do it.
     
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  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    One of the sad but true things about addiction. For an addict who is not in recovery the most important relationship to them is their substance. I think it is impossible to have a close relationship with an addict who is still using. I rhink if your aon truly gets into recovery your relationship can change but until then you really cant have any expectations.
     
  4. Lola123

    Lola123 Never thought I would be here

    I just found this site & I am so grateful. I completely relate to “trying to be strong”. Our daughter had a wonderful childhood. I was a stay at home mom, very involved in school & activities. I have been with my husband for over 30 years - he is great father. Our daughter truly had a privileged life. We sent our daughter off to college & things fell apart. She is now a college dropout engaging in high risk behaviors. She moved home. We cut her off financially once the high risk behaviors started. It’s been about 3 months. We told her to get a job which she did. We also told her she will always have a place to stay & food to eat (with some conditions). She has always struggled with self esteem issues but still accomplished so much. I do think she has undiagnosed ADD and without us around to keep things on track things fell apart when she went to college. She also suffered a traumatic experience in college. She had help for awhile but now refuses to get help. She refuses to tell us anything about her life. We know she is smoking pot probably to self Medicate. I guess my question is we r at the beginning of what I suspect will be a long road. It is severely impacting our family - we have a wonderful 16 year old who often feels he is in the middle. We have very close extended family. We have very supportive friends although it is really hard to talk about this stuff in depth. I have been reading all of the threads & will heed the advice to control the things I can. But she is so angry & feels so confined I fear she is going to leave. Once she does I think my husband & I will never be the same. We r both professionals & it is starting to impact our work. I’m open to any advice. I’m so scared we r going to lose her.
     
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Hi. I am so sorry

    We cant make them stay. My daughter ran off and married a boy and she is 33 and they are still together even though they physically fight and are horrible parents to my poor grandson. They both have medical pot cards and are never sober. I dont know if they do other drugs. They live several hours away in the next state over. I am glad she is too far to just drop by.

    Like your daughter Kay had everythimg. We even bought her a house, cars, etc. She destroyed everything. I think the way we coddled Kay, never allowing her consequences, rescuing her always and. putting up with her abuse helped make her the helpless, entitled, mean spirited woman she is today. Her family is loving but done wirh her demands for money and help. My two other kids want nothing to do with her. and there is.nothing we can do about it. They have suffered because we spent so much time on her instead of them and they loathe hpw she treats us and them too. So they ignore her.

    In Al Anon and therapy we finally accepted that nobody has any control over the choice or behaviors of another adult, even our child. Even if we wouldn't do anything. In fact we learned not to do anything for Kay that she can do for herself and we no longer feel so guilty or sorry for her. She.is able.bodied and could work somewhere but she wont. Her husband Lee works at a pizza parlor so they have little money now after a priveledged life. She hates us for.pulling our financial support but even though we own a thriving business, our gifts to her leave us.little to.retire on.

    I hope you join Al Anon
    Over use of pot is still an addoction.
    Therapy has also helped us.

    Dont do things to make.your daughter helpless like we did. If she is 18 she can move out. She probably will. Please get help for yourself. You are the only person you have control over. This is a hard concept for a parent to accept but it's true. Stay well.
     
  6. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    Lola I wouldn't jump to conclusion that things are going to be bad from now on if this has only been going on for three months. It sounds to me like you have been doing the right things not letting her come home and do nothing. The hard part is sticking to this. She has to decide she wants help. She may want it now or may have a few more bad experiences before she asks. Don't jump too much in the future. I read a saying that I tell myself often it goes something like this- Todays worries don't prevent tomorrow sorrows.
     
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter and I recently had a conversation about addiction. She said that if love of families kept people from being addicts there would be no addicts.

    She said that she never gave a thought to my husband and I when she was using. She didn't do it to spite us or because of us . . . we simply weren't even in her head.

    She used because it made her feel good and that is all that she thought about. It didn't mean that she didn't love us.

    Addicts come best of families and worst of families. Repeat the AA mantra:

    You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I like to add a fourth C: You have to learn to cope with it.
     
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