Have a feeling of impending doom

[Scent of Cedar *]

Checking in with you blackgnat. You've stayed a difficult course, and done so well. Wishing your son every success.

This is how I am catastrophising it-he will commit suicide rather than go somewhere and I will never forgive myself. The last messages between us were that we loved each other and now I feel he will hate me and would rather die than be helped.

There are some times when knowing we love them has to be enough. When your son is healthier, he will see differently. It is a hard thing to hold faith when all of it, every little thing about what is happening, matters so much.

You love him.

For now, he is safe. For now, he is where he needs to be.

You will be there for him when he comes through it. You cannot come through it for him. That you believe in him, that you love him, that you never forgot about or betrayed him, that you made very hard choices for his sake and stuck to them for his sake, those are the things that matter, I think. Those are the things that will matter, for him and to him.

That will be enough to know, for now.

Care for yourself through this time too, blackgnat. You will need to be strong, in the times to come. We are here too, all of us, pulling for you and your son.

Cedar

 

[blackgnat]

Okay, guys, wanted to give you an update.

Last Friday, Difficult Child was accepted into the Salvation Army program. Despite his mental health issues, someone was advocating for him and went against her bosses wishes. Friday he got new clothes, was shown his bed, was given a tag for the job he'd be doing and was about to take a shower when they told him he couldn't stay. Because of his mental health issues.

Despair, sobbing, rage, defeat, hopelessness etc. followed.

Exgf's ma took him back to his dad's apartment for a few hours. He ate, watched a movie, showered, then was allowed to go back to the detox facility for 24 hours. The next day they went down to the Denver Mission, where he was accepted into the 27 month rehab program. Very much like the Mission program he was in while he lived in Illinois. He's on a kind of lockdown for 30 days then gets transferred either to another place connected to the Mission, or to a FARM (I LOVE the sound of this), where he will theoretically complete the program by working in either of the 2 places. Right now, his choice is urban, because they will let him smoke there. Nicotine is an incredibly powerful magnet, at least for him.

If he does, there are many benefits at the end of it, besides the most precious one-sobriety. He would get the use of a car, free medical benefits, housing. I said those were things worth having and he said, "Yes, they give you all that because it's such a hard program".

Right now, his job is to usher. That means sitting on a stool in the chapel and making sure that people aren't drinking and drugging in there. It's okay if they come in that way, but they can't keep doing it.

Have absolutely tasted the rainbow of feelings this week. I'm cautiously optimistic. History whispers to me that he's not big on following through, but I am beyond grateful that he chose this and is still there after THREE DAYS!!!! Yes, I will take whatever I can get! The alternative is...well, you know what I was anticipating. Apparently his BAC was NOT .4, it was .576 and if he had kept drinking, he would have been dead within a week.

But he's alive today-no words for the gratitude.

I know my CD family has been with me in spirit during this latest go -round, as always. And as always, I send you all love and thanks through the airwaves. Will keep you posted...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

This is such great news!!! I am praying for you that he stays the course to see his rewards at the end.

 

[Childofmine]

BG, so very glad to hear this! I am praying too, for you and for him. This could be the change he needs, and the chance to start again with a lot of structure and support.

Please keep us posted! On you and on him!

Hugs!

 

[in a daze]

So glad to hear this, BG.

Are they addressing the mental health issues? Does he have a psychiatrist,/therapist/caseworker?

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. In a daze, I don't believe they are addressing the mental health issues on site, but he is allowed to have his medications there and is given passes to appointments with mental health professionals. In fact his dad is picking him up tomorrow and taking him to an appointment with his psychiatrist.

Hopefully, all this will start a foundation of better health in all aspects of his life and foster feelings of responsibility and accountability.

As always, time will tell.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Just want you to know BG, I'm reading along and sending prayers and warm wishes......and big hugs for you.

 

[Tanya M]

This is such wonderful news! I can only imagine how relieved you must have felt.
I'm so glad that he is being receptive to making some changes.
Thanks so much for sharing this good news with us.
((HUGS)) to you.................

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks as always. He had his psychiatric appointment and actually decided to go with the Vivitrol shot, which is administered monthly-I believe its main purpose is to reduce the effects of alcohol, taking away the "high" that one gets. Not sure about it, but him actually opting to take it says a lot.

He seems committed to the idea of turning his life around. I'm just going with what I know about TODAY.

But again, your collective support keeps me going. Gratitude to infinity!

 

[Childofmine]

That is great news! I agree, staying in today and celebrating what is, right now, staying in this moment, that is our task and our reward for all we have all been through.

Great progress and I am celebrating with you and for him!

 

[SeekingStrength]

BG, I am also reading along and what is happening sounds good.

Please stay close. We are all hoping & cheering. Every opportunity like this offers new hope.

Hugs,
SS

 

[AppleCori]

BG--

What great news!

Keep us updated!

Apple