He just does not get it

[Annie2007]

My son called tonight and I did answer it. Big mistake. Same old thing. Disrespectful and he is sick of my games. Said I was a scum bag of a mother and making myself out a fool by not giving him phone numbers of his two uncles. I told him they do not want to talk to him. He seemed to be in the manic phrase. He still thinks we should share the "family wealth" and take care of him. Does he honestly think I would still be working this hard at 60 if we were wealthy? He says he can't get a job even at a store or restaurant as they are all run by the government ( more paranoia). Then he just repeated the same old thing. Letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done and I really am trying...


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[recoveringenabler]

Anne, when your adult, disrespectful, manipulative, abusive son talks to you in any manner which does not respect you and honor you, then you need to hang up on him and not answer another phone call until he can be not only civil, but respectful. DO NOT allow him to talk to you in that manner. We train those around us to treat us in a certain way by what we are willing to put up with. DO NOT put up with it. Whatever you allow is what you will get, so do not allow that behavior.

Your son is talking in circles, not making any sense, do not engage with that kind of craziness, all it will do is make you feel crazy too.

Get yourself some support. Go to a 12 step group, an al anon group, a CoDa group or any group where you will receive the support you need to be able to let go and still find peace and comfort. It is very difficult to do without support.

Your son is 33 years old. He is a man. He is the only one who can change his life. It is time for you to take care of YOU and put the focus on to yourself. You are the only one who can make THAT choice.

 

[tishthedish]

Annie, this sounds so familiar, like my difficult child 28 year old son. The component of mental illness mania/rage/depression/skewed memory is just another agonizing part of this whole storm that engulfs us. And we have about as much control over it happening as we do over a real storm coming to wreak havoc, like a hurricane Arthur. So do we get proactive and shore up our homes and evacuate if necessary? Or do we risk our lives in an unpredictable natural disaster? At the onset of these things it is impossible to estimate the amount of destruction and damage done to ourselves and other family members.

I so understand your hurt. In our minds we say "But he is SICK". It does make it harder to consider our own feelings. It goes against our nature as mothers, but with our mental health system we cannot make our loved ones seek or continue treatment any more than we can tell our neighbor to paint their house a different color. We do have control over how we react to these behavior patterns that have become so preditcable. I'm not saying it's easy, but the longer I sit in this misery, the more I see the need to do something for me (or nothing for the difficult children).

Lately I have been taking the evacuation route as I have 2 difficult child sons and a husband that works hard and historically has let me handle family/medical/mental stuff. Coming from the family I did I had a lot more experience and patience. His hard work is coming to an end as retirement nears. My retirement from this agony is nowhere in sight. So, I am actively seeking places to go for solitude and to physically remove myself from first line contact. I fall prey less and less to phone calls and checking whereabouts but increasingly I am trying to distance myself. When I have been tempted to pick up the phone and "fix" or "help" or "solve" or "protect" I have read some of the literature I have picked up from Al-Anon to hold my immediate, knee-jerk reaction at bay. It has worked for me. Maybe a prayer, a funny You Tube video, a walk to the mailbox and back...anything to put time between his demands and your reaction might help.

Here is the other piece that is starting to sink in with me. I am almost 57. You say you are 60. I have depression, asthma and given the challenge of my aforementioned family dynamic have totally neglected myself. My aunt and grandmothers died at 65, my mother at 71 and they weren't dealing with this unrelenting stress and punitive behavior coming from their kids. So I do the math. If I have only 8 more years to live, is this how I want to spend them? I have lived through 4 of the most harrowing years in my life AND my 2 difficult children were challenging to raise as children as some of these traits and illnesses start to appear earlier in life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fretting and wringing my hands and gnashing my teeth. I am immobilized some days by the enormity and weight of the sadness that comes with dreams that will go unrealized, but raging against the storm for the last 4 years has gotten me nothing but wet, tired, crabby, fearful, tearful and sad to the bottom of my soul. Has is made any positive difference with either of my sons? Not one whit. So now I am trying to retrain my focus on my life. When that overwhelms me I focus on my day. Or my morning. Or a hot bath. Or an iced tea. Or petting my dog. Or a deep breath. Try to distance yourself from the "what ifs" ASAP. Try to embrace the "what's possible" for your life. The shift in thinking is anything but a straight line, but at least you are the navigator and eventually you might get to a better place or at minimum one of your choosing. Hugs and hope to you. You deserve better. We all do.

 

[Childofmine]

At the onset of these things it is impossible to estimate the amount of destruction and damage done to ourselves and other family members.

Because we keep thinking, just this one more thing I will do, to help, and THEN things will be better. We do that for YEARS. And then one day we look up and years have passed and we are nuts with the trying and failing and sadness and NOTHING has changed except that we are nuts.

I so understand your hurt. In our minds we say "But he is SICK". It does make it harder to consider our own feelings. It goes against our nature as mothers, but with our mental health system we cannot make our loved ones seek or continue treatment any more than we can tell our neighbor to paint their house a different color.

That really muddies the water. I have spent countless hours parsing the "well if he is sick, and he doesn't know, then how can I abandon him?"

Well, he does know, but he doesn't want to see and his disease includes denial as a foundational part of it, and he is STILL responsible for his behavior. People are always responsible for their behavior unless they are completely out of their minds and in restraints 24/7.

I remember the day a therapist sat me down during a session and said this about my alcoholic, depressed husband---this was about 10 or 12 years ago. "Even if he is mentally ill, he is still responsible for his actions and his words." That was huge for me. HUGE. I thought because he was "sick" I had to make all kinds of allowances for what he did and said because he was SICK. Right?

Wrong. He could be angry, and abusive and irritable and unreasonable and impatient and really very unpleasant to live with, sleeping all of the time, not getting help for any of it, plus binge drinking, and I was just supposed to dance as fast as I could to make him happy? That is what I did for years. I was a faaaaassssst dancer. But it didn't make him any happier. And it didn't change one single thing except make me miserable. I was wrong. And once I knew better, I started to do better and to change my whole outlook and approach to dealing with him.

And now my son. Al-Anon has taught me so much about taking care of me and about letting go.

I am immobilized some days by the enormity and weight of the sadness that comes with dreams that will go unrealized, but raging against the storm for the last 4 years has gotten me nothing but wet, tired, crabby, fearful, tearful and sad to the bottom of my soul.

Absolutely.

Same old thing.

Until he decides to change, he won't change. Nothing you can do or say or will do or say will matter one iota, Annie. Nothing.

Letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done and I really am trying...

It is the hardest thing in the world to do and you can't do it by yourself. You will not be able to. Like RE said below, assemble your toolbox. Write down your tools and start to use them every single day. Schedule time into your day for your own recovery. It needs to be at the top of your list in terms of priority. Start with going to an Al-Anon meeting every day for 10 days. Every day. You will be feeling so much better at the end of that 10 days, just by that one single change in your life.

Get yourself some support. Go to a 12 step group, an al anon group, a CoDa group or any group where you will receive the support you need to be able to let go and still find peace and comfort. It is very difficult to do without support.

Buy at least one of the Al-Anon devotional books so you have something at home to read when your mind is racing.

Your son is 33 years old. He is a man. He is the only one who can change his life.

Your son is not the precious three year old he once was. Neither is mine. Both of our sons are men. Like some say here on this site, men much younger than they are have fought and died for our country. They stepped up and were responsible to something greater than themselves. That is what our sons have to do, and until they decide to do it, nothing will be different.

Spend THIS time and your energy and these days, on yourself. It's way past time for that. Way past time. If you work hard, you can be free. The love will still be there but your life on a daily basis will be much better, more filled with peace, happiness, contentment, joy and serenity.

It is there to be had, with hard work, turning it all over to a Higher Power of your choice (a million times) and lots of support.

Warm hugs, Annie!

 

[Annie2007]

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I am sitting here on the couch listening to all the fireworks going on outside and wishing it would all just stop. And the thoughts of my son come and go every few minutes. My husband, who has the brain injury, goes to bed very early. I am alone. I usually liked to be alone. Before his injury, he travelled all the time and I did not mind it. Now he goes to bed and I wrestle with my son mentally. I checked and where I live there is only one al anon meeting once a week during the evening. I work and can't go during the day. Work really helps though as I keep my mind off everything else. Last night my son told me that I am really a scumbag of a mother and a fool for not helping him and not giving him the phone number of family members who he thinks "as family will help". I emailed him a letter the other day telling him how I feel. I don't know if he has internet on his phone... Isn't that something...homeless but has a phone and can text? I am thinking of texting him and telling him that I am taking a break from his abuse and will not be returning his calls (which I rarely return anyway) and that I will not be answering his text messages either for quite awhile. But I have done all that in the past and it has not made a difference. This time will be no different either. ....I will go to an al anon meeting. I really appreciate all of you and so glad I found this site.


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[recoveringenabler]

Annie, for whatever reason, my response to you got caught in quotes, so just click on the expand button at the bottom and you can read it.

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telling him that I am taking a break from his abuse and will not be returning his calls (which I rarely return anyway) and that I will not be answering his text messages either for quite awhile.
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This is good idea in my opinion.
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t has not made a difference.

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I would do it anyway. It's for you, not for him. So you begin to loosen he grip his life choices have on YOU.

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This time will be no different either.

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It won't be any different if what you expect is for HIM to change. The point would be to get YOU out of the crossfire of his choices and give YOU a break. That will make a huge difference if you get yourself support while you are distanced from him.

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I will go to an al anon meeting.

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Do go to an al anon meeting.

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Schedule time into your day for your own recovery. It needs to be at the top of your list in terms of priority.

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This is essential if you want to change how you are feeling right now. The only way to do that is to change your responses to your son and to put YOU at the top of your priority list. If you resist that, or don't do it with a real strong commitment, I can tell you right now that when your son is 40 you will be in the exact same place as you are right now. If that idea is repugnant to you, then it is absolutely necessary for you to make some changes in your life today.

This is very, very hard stuff. It is in fact, devastating. However, there is a way out and it's putting the focus on to YOU. You do that by getting support to change the patterning you have had with your son, likely for his whole life. Only you can make those changes, because the likelihood that he will change is remote.

If you haven't already, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. We all need truckloads of support to get through this forrest. Find it wherever you can, make that your priority. Once you do, things will begin to change.

 

[Nomad]

You've gotten such good advice. If he is mentally ill and has any background from a doctor that would verify this, you might want to help him apply for disability.

We have at times, temporarily gotten our daughter a McDonalds gift card. Record the number and 1 800 refill number. You can refill it very easily. It is so NOT an ideal situation, but if you honestly believe he is starving and this bothers you, from time to time, you can put money on the card easily and it is not necessary for you to mail it. Just make sure he has it on his person. Remember, if you do this or something like it, you must set limits and boundaries, because he WILL immediately attempt to abuse it.

HOWEVER, I would NOT do this or anything like it if he is rude to you. Period. You can simply say that if you are hungry, once or twice a month, I will put money for approximately three meals on your McDonalds card. However, if you use a single cuss word, I will hang up.
Then REALLY hang up. Also consider getting and giving him the number to apply for food stamps. Limit your conversations with him. Set BOUNDARIES and STICK to them. Don't hesitate to hang up if he cusses or is rude. Use call caller ID.

Read up on setting boundaries with adult children and detachment. GREATLY LIMIT your conversations and time with him and again, don't listen to him AT ALL if he is rude or cussing.
Example: "son, you just cussed. I'm not sending you food money, you may call again in two days and I will listen to you if and only if you are polite and not cussing. Click."

Al Anon sounds like a great idea!
Sending thoughts of strength to you.

 

[Childofmine]

Annie, just wanted to say that I read your post from last night, sitting and listening to the fireworks. We did that too.

You said: "just wishing it would all stop."

Annie, you are ready for change in your life. When I felt that way, just sitting, feeling so alone, feeling so bad, so tired, so WEARY, "just wishing it would all stop," that is the day I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I got there one day with my husband (now exhusband), who was a very high functioning alcoholic (another bewildering experience, what to do, what not to do) for many years.

And then I got there one day with my son, who has been in a tailspin (in my view, not sure about his view) for the past four to five years.

I just was completely without resources---emotional, spiritual, physical, mental---to do anything else. I was spent.
yers,
And if you are like me, and most of us on this board, we are some of the most persistent and capable people you'll want to know. We can GET IT DONE.

But not this time. Not with the 40-foot-tall monster called addiction. There is no stopping THE FORCE OF ADDICTION. The only person who can arrest it---not cure it ever---is the person in whose body it lives.

And until that day comes, we can dance and spin and cry and beg and plead and hope and yell and do whatever we do in the crazy way we do it---trying to make them STOP---but we are, as we say in the South, ...."whistlin' Dixie"....been there done that and we are merely wasting our time and energy.

I am reading another good book: Addiction in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope and Recovery by Beverly Conyers, whose daughter was a heroin addict. It's really good.

You said there is only one AlAnon meeting in your town in the evening so I understand that. Can you order some Al-Anon books and perhaps some other books that you can spend time reading every day? Also, once you go to the Al-Anon meeting, be sure to get a phone list and make it a goal to start calling people on that list to talk. It is very helpful. I've been in AlAnon now (again) for four years consistently, and I still have a hard time picking up the phone to call someone but I did it last week---forced myself---and it was a very good experience. Also, in time, you can get a Sponsor (after you observe folks for a while and see who you would like to have as a Sponsor) and that gives you someone to work one on one with outside the meetings. You can meet with that person, who will be an experienced and longtime Al-Anon and she will help you progress in your recovery.

And Lil, this is all for free. It is such a gift and a blessing to have what I consider to be very high quality group therapy and then, really, it's like having one on one therapy when you have a sponsor. Different from therapy but the outcome is just as good or better.

Anyway, I am with you here. You are not alone. Don't feel that you are. We so understand here. We have been on this road for a long long time, and most of us are still on this road.

Hugs and Blessings to you, Lil, on this July 5.