Help: my 23 year old daughter is stealing

[AppleCori]

Butterfly Girl,

Maybe you shouldn't pick her up.

Maybe there is a way she can be sent for a court-ordered alcohol rehab or mental health evaluation?

She is really not safe to have in your home.

 

[Copabanana]

BG. I agree with Apple. Addict or not, what she did was a serious crime.

You are not safe with her. She is not safe with you. She would have controlled her behavior with anybody else. I believe. To take her back is to condone her behavior.

That is what I believe.

I know this because my son broke my foot 11 years ago. He has smashed walls, doors, etc. When it is a pattern, it us hard to get the genie back into the bottle. Our wanting change matters not at all.

This is not a teaching opportunity. She is well into adulthood. She is responsible.

As far as therapy, she will not take it seriously. Until she wants it and seeks it.for herself.

Many of us go to therapy for support and to identify and enforce boundaries.

This is all very, very hard. I know.

Please take steps to protect yourself and home. I am sorry.

 

[susiestar]

Wait, let me understand this. She threw KNIVES at you, and things heavy enough to fracture your husband's wrist and make people think you were being attacked from outside your home? So they called the police?

So bad your husband needed medical attention.

And the cops took her away and booked her.

And you want to pick her up.

Do you see how very sick all of you are? The situation is? How very wrong it is to pick her up and allow her to come back?

What would have happened if she had hit you with a knife? If she had severed an artery? Or your eye? Blinded you for life?

Don't you see that she could kill you so easily? That she actually IS killing herself, and that you are helping her? Every single day?

Isn't it time to take some serious steps toward a healthier life for all of you?

I beg you, get a protective order. If she has a tantrum and throws a knife and it kills you, and she could do this easily, the cops won't let you help her avoid the consequences. She will get life in prison probably with no parole for a very long time, if ever. If you want to help her avoid this, get her out of your home and away from you. She will only escalate the violence because she knows that you won't give her any consequences for her behavior.

 

[Littleboylost]

Bless tou all I hope she does her some help. But you have the right to a calm and safe home.

 

[Kathy813]

I think you should press charges. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least get a temporary restraining order and tell her that she can't come back to your home because she is dangerous.

In the meantime, find a rehab and tell her that she needs to go straight to rehab from jail. Period.

Taking her back into your home is telling her that she can hurt you or your husband and nothing will happen to her. Is that really the message you want to send?

This is the perfect opportunity to get her out of your house. Tell her that if she chooses not to go into a residential treatment program, she will have to find a job and a place to live. After all, if she doesn't need treatment, that shouldn't be a problem for her.

{{{hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Sam3]

I understand that what is unprecedented behavior on your daughter's part can also feel like a possible wake up call or rock bottom for her. And it might be.

But it is also a red line for you.

Those things are not mutually exclusive.

It's not surprising that she is pulling out an extreme reaction now that you have set boundaries after so long.

But they are reasonable boundaries no matter how far she has strayed from meeting them. Don't doubt that.

You do not have to forgive or explain away this lashing out and violence for her to be able to make progress.

It is the logical moment for things to change, at least for you. And that is enough.

Even the user doesn't "deserve" the toll alcoholism takes. Surely, there's no reason in heaven or on earth for why three people should be destroyed.

 

[ButterflyGirl]

We're still trying to find out where she is. Didn't hear anything after two nights so called this morning, and all they would tell us is that there had been "an incident" and that she's not there anymore, but they won't tell us where she is now. I'm starting to freak out, I hate not knowing what's going on! I got that usual monotone "I don't give a " tone of voice over the phone, it drives me mad.

 

[GoingNorth]

BG,

"they" don't have to tell you anything. She is a legal adult. This is a perfect time for you to realize that she is an entity separate from you, and detach.

Please, please, whatever comes of this, do not take her back home. She is violent, an alcoholic, severely mentally ill, and very dangerous.

You and your husband need to get into therapy asap to figure out WHY you keep allowing this legal adult into your home to continue to abuse you.

 

[AppleCori]

Butter,

I don't know what they, legally, can and cannot say because of privacy laws or local ordinances.

It could very well be that she has been transferred to a hospital (for alcohol withdrawal symptoms) or a psychiatric unit because of her behaviors or something she said.

This could be a good thing!

I agree with GN--please don't take her back into your home.

This could become a new beginning for her. She may be able to get some help with her issues. She isn't getting better in your home. It is only getting worse, and things are escalating to a dangerous level.

Let the experts eat with her. Don't give her the choice to come home and continue her self-destructive behaviors.

Stay with us, and let us know what is going on. Stay safe.

Apple

 

[DoneDad]

We're still trying to find out where she is. Didn't hear anything after two nights so called this morning, and all they would tell us is that there had been "an incident" and that she's not there anymore, but they won't tell us where she is now. I'm starting to freak out, I hate not knowing what's going on! I got that usual monotone "I don't give a " tone of voice over the phone, it drives me mad.

It's time for you to step back and get help for yourself. If she's acting out in jail, she has no business coming back to your home. She assaulted you and your husband with with deadly weapons. She is way beyond your ability to help her. She'll only get worse with you enabling her, and your life will be hell, and there's a real possibility you and/or husband will end up injured, dead, or in jail.

She had a violent episode and threw pans, plates and knives at us. My husband has a fractured wrist where she threw a casserole dish. Someone walking by thought we were being robbed and called the police. We got out the house and he had his concealed carry out.

You're saying she threw knives at you and your husband, fractured your husband's wrist, and he drew a gun. Do you see how it's not a good idea to let her back in your house? You're lucky this didn't end up worse than it did. Next time what happens, she charges you with a knife and husband shoots her? She gets ahold of his gun and kills you both? You need to step back from this situation big time. Bringing her back into your house is a recipe for disaster, for you and for her. Nothing good can come of it. Then you need to get professional help. Once you get some distance from the situation you will start to see how absolutely insane it is. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but like with our dysfunctional adult children, you have to make a decision that it's not what you want in your life and do what's necessary to change it. Nobody can do it for you.

 

[ButterflyGirl]

It's time for you to step back and get help for yourself. If she's acting out in jail, she has no business coming back to your home. She assaulted you and your husband with with deadly weapons. She is way beyond your ability to help her. She'll only get worse with you enabling her, and your life will be hell, and there's a real possibility you and/or husband will end up injured, dead, or in jail.



You're saying she threw knives at you and your husband, fractured your husband's wrist, and he drew a gun. Do you see how it's not a good idea to let her back in your house? You're lucky this didn't end up worse than it did. Next time what happens, she charges you with a knife and husband shoots her? She gets ahold of his gun and kills you both? You need to step back from this situation big time. Bringing her back into your house is a recipe for disaster, for you and for her. Nothing good can come of it. Then you need to get professional help. Once you get some distance from the situation you will start to see how absolutely insane it is. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but like with our dysfunctional adult children, you have to make a decision that it's not what you want in your life and do what's necessary to change it. Nobody can do it for you.

If she's going into withdrawal, they need to understand she could die if they just lock her in some confinement cell and leave her to "sleep it off". They won't tell us anything, which I know she's a legal adult, but I don't even know what's happened, let alone where she is now. Just losing my mind.

It was the man who called the police who had a gun, not my husband. But you're right - if she'd have come out and continued throwing knives she could have been seriously injured. I just hope that wherever she is she's safe, but I can't even sit still at the moment not knowing what's going on.

 

[BusynMember]

Even during times you THINK you know what is going on with your daughter, you dont. None of us know. Our adult kids do not share their worst with Mom. You NEVER know what is truly going on with her.


Your daughters life is in her own hands. She needs to stay away from you. You cant help her, and she wont get help as long as she doesnt have to. Your daughter's behavior is dangerous and severe even for a drug addict. If she assaults people, she needs to get out of society's way. If she had killed anyone with those knives, she may be rotting in prison for most of her life.

What she does to you she will do to strangers too, and they will have no pity on her. She needs to get clean and get intensive therapy and right now she needs to be away from you. There is no way that you can save her from herself whether you know where she is or you don't.

I know this is painful and scary to you and that you still think you can save the day for her, but she is an adult and you cant. She doesnt listen to you or anyone. Hopefully one day she will take the hard, long road of getting clean and receiving intensive therapy.

This is your daughters path to walk. Nobody can save her but herself. I am sure you have loved ones who dont want you hurt by her. You and those loved ones matter.

Honor yourself and those family and friends who love you and are kind to you. Stay safe.

 

[Copabanana]

I worked many years in prisons. The vast majority of incarcerated are addicts. Everybody is seen upon incarceration by medical, including a physician. In the USA the constitution confers health care comparable to the community standard to inmates.

Anecdotally I have not heard of a serious issue in prison/jail related to withdrawal. Discomfort. Yes.

Of course such may exist. But you are dealing with a hand of options, none of which are good, until daughter suffers to the extent she is motivated to change herself.

I feel concerned for you that you are suffering for her. Which damages you and her. Let alone your husband.

These are not neutral events. Like an earthquake or hurricane which afflict the innocent. Your daughter did this. She assaulted you, your husband, your home. Yet you are locating the suffering in her. And the responsibility in you. As long as you continue this she has no chance. Unless she separates completely from you.

 

[Sam3]

. . . Yet you are locating the suffering in her. And the responsibility in you. As long as you continue this she has no chance. . .

Wow. That sums it up.

 

[Kathy813]

f she's going into withdrawal, they need to understand she could die if they just lock her in some confinement cell and leave her to "sleep it off".

As Copa said, your daughter is not the first alcoholic that has been arrested. I am sure that the police noticed how intoxicated she was when they arrested her and it was duly noted at the jail. It sounds to me like she was moved to a detox facility and the HIPPA law is preventing them from telling you what is going on. Your daughter can waive that but if she is like my daughter she is probably telling them that she doesn't want you to know what is going on just to worry you out of spite.

Think about what she did to you and your husband. Get mad. She hurt your husband. Stop feeling sorry for her and start thinking about yourself. Anger helped me detach when my daughter was at her worst. Would you let anyone else in the world do that to you? Why are you letting her do it?

Your daughter truly needs help. Don't stand in her way.

~Kathy

 

[pigless in VA]

But you're right - if she'd have come out and continued throwing knives she could have been seriously injured. I just hope that wherever she is she's safe, but I can't even sit still at the moment not knowing what's going on.

"She could have been seriously injured." Butterfly, please take a look at that statement. You are worried for your daughter. Where is your worry for yourself and your husband? She injured your husband! She was throwing knives at the two of you!

You and your husband deserve to be safe in your own home. When your home is a battleground, the rest of your life falls to pieces.

Please, please get help for yourself and your husband. You matter! Your daughter is in self-destruct mode, but she may actually kill you first. She is out of her mind. It's time to let her go and save yourself and the man you love.

 

[susiestar]

Prison is where a HUGE portion of the alcoholics in the world go through detox. I suspect your daughter started the process there and got violent with someone. Then she was moved to either a hospital ward or a detox center where she could be supervised.

Jail was where my brother got sober for the first time in many years also. He called it the County Betty Ford Clinic. Even in our less than glamorous county, the staff kept watch over him and made sure he was medically safe and did not hurt himself or others. Your daughter was violent when she went in, and she has a tendency to react violently to any limits, so she probably got violent inside. It may be why she is still there. She may have earned more time inside. Or maybe she is in a hospital. Either way, she isn't with you. So focus on yourself and your husband.

Get a therapist ASAP. Even before that, go to an alanon meeting. So you are an atheist. Consider your higher power to be the lightbulb over your head. Or whatever comes to mind. Then focus on what they are saying and get over the trivial stuff you are focusing on. If you cannot go to alanon for yourself, go for your daughter. She has a better long term chance of getting and staying sober if you get yourself into a 12 step program and keep going to the program. Open up, give it a chance. It cannot hurt you to try. Let your armor down just a little bit and see if if can help. I promise it is a change, and a new way of thinking, but in the long run it just might save your daughter's life. And your and your husband's lives.

(((((hugs))))) I know this is all so very stressful. Please do something nice for yourself while your daughter is away. Every day she is gone, take some time to just enjoy the peace and quiet. Soak it in, and revel in it. Don't feel guilty for enjoying it!!!! I know you will think you should, but you shouldn't! I promise! I have been there, and it really is okay to take the time to be kind to yourself and enjoy the peace.

 

[pasajes4]

Butterfly, You may feel that some of the posts are harsh and not what you want to hear. The wonderful warrior parents on this site have been in your shoes to one degree or another. We are concerned for your daughters wellbeing. We have traveled this road and have come to understand that we can't help them by allowing them to continue terrorizing us in our own homes.

We also care very much for you and your husband. We want you to be safe and you are not. We are scared for you. Please get help for yourselves.

 

[NicksTiredMom]

I used to give my cards to her to do family shopping before I had any notion of what was going on. I started to suspect something and asked her to get receipts of each shop, and everything came back normal. I later found out she was doing two shops - running alcohol through separately and throwing away only some of the receipts. I started giving her cash instead so I could expect all the correct change, but it seems she's snuck into my room and stolen my card from my purse, used it, then placed it back before I noticed. She started stealing cash as well so I had to start hiding it - I bought a jewellery safe and put my purse in there, but recently I found a video on the computer where she had placed a camera hidden behind some clothes and filmed me putting the code in so she's had access to it this whole time. I just feel like an idiot and I have nowhere to hide.

We don't let her drive our car anymore (she crashed it into our house while trying to drive after drinking and it cost $4000 to repair - my husband claimed responsibility to protect her from a DUI), but she'll sneak out at night, take the keys and buy alcohol from somewhere after 1am. Sometimes I wonder if she has a car we don't know about that she leaves parked up somewhere.

We don't give her any money. I keep telling her if she wants money she needs to get a job - even a part time one for a few hours each week - just like the rest of us. I'm convinced that if she got a job, the stealing would stop. But at the same time, I don't want her getting a job just to blow all the money on liquor.

She's our only child.

Of course I don't want to be living like this in my 80s, but I could never forgive myself if I turned 80 and she was in prison. I feel like I've failed as a parent. We did everything right, we poured so much into her. If she'd spent half the effort she puts into drinking and stealing into something productive, she could have been working for the FBI or SEC by now. She's such a bright girl but she's wasting her life and its killing me.

Hi. Im new here and this is my first post. I found this by looking up "What to do when my adult child breaks into my home". The sad part is that I feel sure we all have suffered until the day it just all shows that it is too much and we google for help. I am so sorry this is happening to your family. For me, I made his father leave in Jan 2016 and I feel in a dark hole because drugs are a family curse. So its just me here trying to deal. My son would steal my expensive hand bags and sell them in the street. He is 20 and this started at 14. So I was in a position of having to be a loving parent as well as his victim. Finally around December I had been selling my own collection of hidden bags because I had been laid off for 13 months and I sold a $700 wallet. When I went to package it, it was gone. When I confronted my son he simply said he needed money. I put him out. I learned later that he had been here all along living in a shed I have that has power in it. He has stolen from so many people and broken into homes that no immediate neighbors would have him around. Today, I went to wash dishes and noticed a canister cracked in the window sill. I picked it up and realized he cracked that window and put a tiny hole through the pane so he could push a stick through to unlock it and come through that window. The canister was taped together, leaves on the sink cabinet and his tiny stick left on the island. All I want to do is run. Police cant help off of my word and my back yard is fenced and hidden by the shed. I pray your situation gets better. My son is the youngest of 3 but was the only child at home for 14 years. Sigh i feel like i pay the mortgage on my cell.

 

[pasajes4]

NicksMom, You hit the nail on the head for so many of us. We pay the mortgage on our cells. We are held hostage by the very children we would give our lives for.......sad irony.