Help! Possible rape or sexual abuse...

[ksm]

The two girls her age, seem to be appropriate kids whose parents set curfews, etc... But some of their friends are probably not appropriate. daughter has lost much of her past friends base because of previous boyfriend. She pretty much dropped all her relationships because of him, or they dropped her because of him...you may remember from previous posts that I gave his probation officer info that he was breaking a court order by having contact with her.

Interestingly, he is back in jail for domestic battery, underage alcohol and probation violation. This happened last night, too. But the police said it was someone else involved and not daughter.

When I reported her gone last night, the police asked if she had done this before, and I mentioned the XBF name...and he said they had just jailed him. But he doesn't seem to be involved this time,

Ksm

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Checking in with you, ksm.

Sometimes, there is nothing we can say. But we are here.

Cedar

 

[Praecepta]

Try talking with a police detective. Ask an emergency room what to do. And try your county mental health department.

Some people are trained to handle these things. Maybe by trying the above, you might find such a person and maybe get some suggestions which will help?

 

[ksm]

I have a friend who is an emergency room physician, we talked yesterday, and she gave me advice. We got the morning after pill, and will have her checked for STD's later. We see her psychologist in two days, I have typed up an email and already sent it to her, so she will be informed.

daughter is not going to do anything that brings more attention to her...she isn't strong enough to handle any court proceedings, unless the psychologist is able to get her to do this. Enough time has passed that the chance of physical evidence is slim to none.

I will update after our appointment. I appreciate the concern and advise, but I don't know how I can get her to talk to authorities... If I could, it would be done already.

We have taken her phone away, and the only people she can see is if they come here and see her at our house. We are rethinking the month long hosting of an Irish teenager that is suppose to happen at end of month. For me, it would be the best thing she could do, just be busy participating in all the group activities. But if she is still withdrawn, and not in a better place, it would be wrong for us to do this. I will talk to program director after appointment with psychologist. I know that other families were wanting to host, and there were four girls that have to wait til next summer. I am sure that arrangements can be made for one of them to host instead of us.

Her dad, my son, lives nearby. He will be spending more time with her. Maybe she will open up to him.

Ksm

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Thank you for updating us, ksm.

Cedar

 

[ksm]

Her psychologist called me a little while ago in response to the emails I had sent. She said she knew that daughter is not always truthful or forthcoming during sessions.

But she also told me one of her diagnosis is ODD. No one has told me that! I knew about the depression and anxiety...but ODD? But it makes sense.

I did talk to the intake person at the juvenile detention center that I met last year about my situation. She was upset that the police just brought her home...and the other kids had no consequences. I told her about daughter saying she was raped, but won't talk about it with any one or seek medical care.

She gave me the direct number to the juvenile detective, and I am suppose to contact him tomorrow. Even if no charges are filed, I want it reported. I can fib a little and if daughter finds out, I can say they were following up on the incident.

I guess what I can't fathom, is she can't understand why I was upset and crying today! She remarked, why does it matter to you, it didn't happen to you, it happened to me, and I am dealing with it OK.

Just so upset that she can't have any empathy... KSM

 

[Copabanana]

She gave me the direct number to the juvenile detective, and I am suppose to contact him tomorrow.

Good.

Just so upset that she can't have any empathy...

You know, my son is 27. In just the past 9 months or so, he has changed for the better in many ways.

Kinder, sweeter, cooperative--even empathetic.

I asked him, why were you so hostile? Maybe in a weaker moment I even asked, why didn't you love me all those years?

He was stunned. It had never occurred to him that I felt rejected by him, or that I felt hurt by him.

In turn, I was stunned. How could you not be hurt when your son calls the police to arrest you and gives your boyfriend, 60 years old, a black eye?

He tried to explain: Mom. It was myself I hated. I was so wrapped up in myself, I didn't see anybody else.

So here we are a decade of suffering, and my sweet, empathetic boy is back, a sweet, loving man.

If I could go back and do one thing, it would be to take myself out of the equation. Your daughter does not lack empathy for you, she lacks it for herself. For now.

KSM. You are doing every single thing correctly. The feedback will have to come from inside yourself, and from us. For now.

 

[ksm]

I talked to the juvenile detective. Turns out his daughter and mine were in some plays together when they were younger! And he is having problems with her just as we are! Small world. Anyway, it seems like he didn't understand why I was calling. Parents are not mandated reporters. He said we can handle things as we see best. Problem is, I still don't know how to get her help, unless the psychologist can.

If she doesn't come home, or gets physical, or gets "ungovernable" we can call the police. Ugghh. Back to square one.

KSM

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

All we can do is what we can do. And you are doing that, ksm.

Prayers going up for your child.

Cedar

 

[pigless in VA]

ksm,

I totally understand why your daughter won't discuss the rape. When I was 21, I was raped by a trusted family friend. I told no one. For years. I felt violated, betrayed, dirty, and terrified. I thought about prosecuting him, but I knew my personal history would be dragged through the court, and I could not face the embarrassment of it.

I think your daughter knew this person and the betrayal of her trust is impeding her ability to discuss it. She thought she knew him. She thought he was someone who would listen to her. She thought she had good judgment, and she was wrong. She doesn't yet realize that some men take advantage of women and don't care how they feel.

 

[New Leaf]

Ksm, I am slowly getting caught up and reading. I am so sorry for all of this.
You have been such a champion for your girls.
Prayers going my up for you, your husband and child. Day by day.....one step at a time.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[ksm]

ksm,

I totally understand why your daughter won't discuss the rape. When I was 21, I was raped by a trusted family friend. I told no one. For years. I felt violated, betrayed, dirty, and terrified. I thought about prosecuting him, but I knew my personal history would be dragged through the court, and I could not face the embarrassment of it.

I think your daughter knew this person and the betrayal of her trust is impeding her ability to discuss it. She thought she knew him. She thought he was someone who would listen to her. She thought she had good judgment, and she was wrong. She doesn't yet realize that some men take advantage of women and don't care how they feel.

I am so sorry Pigless... I think you are right, she just wants to not deal with this. She did discuss it some with the psychologist today, so that is a small step. I guess I can't force her to do, what I think I would do in a similar situation. But since I have never had to deal with it, I can't say I would be strong enough to press charges.

I think as a teen it would be worse than an adult.... Because then you have to deal with all the gossip at school... KSM

 

[Copabanana]

I think as a teen it would be worse than an adult.... Because then you have to deal with all the gossip at school

I never thought of this, but of course this is true.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Seen in this light, that your daughter told you about the rape is a vote of confidence and trust in you, ksm. When our daughter talks about her adolescence now, she talks about social anxiety, and about the shame she felt at how the things she thought she was doing turned so ugly, so fast.

About how confusing that was, and how shaming.

She'd thought she was taking charge. She'd believed she was being strong and defiant and rebellious and cool. And ugly, hurtful things happened instead.

She could admit she'd been wrong in her thinking, which would have been very hard to do at that point. Or, she could continue on the same path, proving she was as strong and defiant and rebellious as she wished she were.

So it isn't so much about blaming the rapist (which is what we want to do ~ name the bad guy for what he is and see him humiliated and punished) or the friends. Or even the alcohol. It is about teaching the kids that we all make mistakes. That none of us does this right every time, and that there are people out there who will hurt us if they can and no one can say why. It is about teaching them that we all have done things we feel badly about ourselves for, but that we are all going to come through this. What happens to us is part of our story, but it isn't our whole story.

We didn't know so much about that, when our daughter was young. I wish I had known how to help her.

I did not have this site, then.

Cedar

 

[ksm]

Another update. Yesterday I got a phone call from DCF, I guess they were notified about the incident from the police. They want to talk to DGD in person, today. I explained that she has been unwilling to discuss the incident. They still want to meet with her. Then, I got a call from another agency we are working with. DCF contacted this agency as we are still receiving services from an incident last year. They will come over on Friday.

And DCs reaction... It's all my fault because I called the police last weekend when she refused to come home. And she is going to tell them she lied about it. The only good thing that can become of this, is if we have future problems, they know she is emotionally distraught and isn't honest...

KSM

 

[Copabanana]

And she is going to tell them she lied about it.

Absolutely, KSM, I would tell both parties what she told you originally and her statement that she would tell them she lied.

For several reasons. First, she has to have responsibility for what she says to people, even to you (especially to you.) Either way what she is doing is wrong. To retract the truth is wrong. To lie about something as serious is wrong. I hope she gets in trouble. There is no way I would cover for her. She strikes me less as unstable than out of control.

 

[ksm]

We had the meeting, and she didn't deny it happened. I had told her I hoped what ever she said, it would be truthful...so if you lied shout the rape, admit you lied, if it happened, then say it happened. If there are details you don't want to discuss, then say you don't want to talk about it.

What she told DCF matched up with what she had said last week. She just wont say who it was. A couple days ago, there was a guy in the paper who was charged with having consensual sex with an underage teen. Even though the teen wasn't named, my daughter knew who it was. That is what scares her.

She is worried about the fall out being worse if the authorities are involved. That she will be ostracized in school. I get it. But I am not happy about it.

In some corner of my brain...I think it is the XBF who went to jail a couple months ago for breaking the no contact order. At that time, she still had feelings for him. Plus, he just spent a week in jail for domestic violence, alcohol and probation violation. I questioned the police, but they said that his arrest did not involve my DGD. But if he was violent to someone else, he could have also abused her.

KSM

 

[BusynMember]

Most raped women never report it. There is usually no gain. Without a hospital doing a rape exam, there is no proof of rape and whoever did it will say he didn't or that it was consensual sex. This is a teen who can be tortured by other teens who don't believe it was rape.

A peer of Jumpers claimed rape and nobody believed her. Even Jumper, who is compassionate, said, "I don't know if I believe it. I think she was trying to get sympathy because she wasn't supposed to be seeing the guy and she's a liar." I chewed her out but she shrugged and said,"you don't know her. I still don't totally believe it."

That's what you can face at school, at work, in the neighborhood. And sadly without proof it's he said/she said.

Your daughter was actually very brave. Many girls would have refused to tell. I would tell her I'm proud of her.

 

[Copabanana]

I hoped what ever she said, it would be truthful...so if you lied shout the rape, admit you lied, if it happened, then say it happened. If there are details you don't want to discuss, then say you don't want to talk about it.

I think this was the exactly perfect thing to say, KSM.

I am very proud of her that she handled it the way she did. She is protecting herself. I do not blame her for that.

I think she will tell you more sooner or later.

Maybe this whole experience will give her pause for thought about who she hangs out with. At least I hope it does.

Anyway, the worst is behind you. I hope. KSM, is she using birth control?

 

[ksm]

No, she is not on BC. Her choice right now. She says she is not being sexually active. I did buy her the morning after pill and she took it.