He's drugging again.....

[MissJuneBug]

Well, the good news is son has an appointment tomorrow for an assessment at the Intensive Outpatient Program. We sat down Friday afternoon together and made the call. Due to his introverted nature, he will almost never make the first call. We and his therapist have been trying for weeks to get him to make that call. I finally decided that if he needed me to be by his side to do it, so be it. His therapist was fine with that.

I told him in the morning we would place the call together in the afternoon. Of course, he wasn't home when I came in but he did show up at 4:30pm after I texted and called him. I could tell from the moment he walked in he was high on something but we made the call and he willingly accepted an appointment for Monday. Yea!

The bad news is he has been smoking weed for a least the last month. Friday night was yet another one of those 'scary - he could have died' episodes.

He went outside to his car Friday night for several hours. I finally walked out and saw that he had a bottle of Vyvanse in the passenger seat. I had asked him earlier if he had picked up his rx's (he's suppose to give them to me to lock in safe) and he lied and said no. He was with me from then on until the pharmacy closed, so he had to have gotten them earlier.

He came in for a while, said he had spilled the Vyvanse bottle in the car and would bring it in in the morning and then went back out to his car. At 2am, I disconnected his cell phone (because he was blasting through our cell data, texting and being on the internet) and he came back in for the night. He was obviously very high on something at this point but was walking and talking okay. I could hear he was up all night (because I was too!)

At 9am, I went to wake him up because he had promised my husband he would help out at his Grandmother's. He woke instantly but was very confused and acting strangely. He came down stairs and started opening and closing the microwave door over and over and then started opening the blinds over and over and then back to the microwave. He just kept saying he was opening the microwave.

He did seem to get better after a brief period - still very 'foggy' but he willing went to his grandmother's with my husband. He didn't take his phone because he was too confused to remember when it was (on the kitchen table).

I searched his car and found the Vyvanse rx with 21 pills missing! Also found the weed and pipe. An easy search on his phone revealed when he contacted his dealer and where he picked up the weed. Multiple contacts/ pickups over the last month. Not sure how he is paying for this - I suspect he has a credit card tied to his checking account and is allowing it to go into overdraft.

So, he reached out to his dealer again last night - dealer hasn't responded so far but there is no more denying he has a drug addiction, even if he can turn the using on and off for extended periods of time, seemingly at will. Seeing all the pieces laid out in front of me makes it more real than ever. I have somewhat of a hard time telling when he's high but I'm getting better at it. He evidently has a super high tolerance for alcohol and drugs (even prescription drugs).

This isn't the first time he has taken mega-doses of a substance. He did it numerous times on his sleep medication (resulting in two ER trips with 4 months) and then an episode of taking a large amount of xanax, wine and 2 bottles of robitussin last summer. Now he's taking large doses of a stimulant! Seems like once he gets started, he has no 'off' button. And, evidently, to him a high is a high whether it is an upper or a downer. Why someone with anxiety would take 10x times the prescribed dose of a stimulant is mind-boggling.

We'll see how he responds to the intensive outpatient program. They do screen for drugs. I'm not sure if he realizes that.

As I contemplated ordering yet another book on drug abuse this morning, I realized I'm the only one with a dog in this fight. He's being 'made' to attend the program, husband just wants him out of the house and I'm the one frantically running around trying to 'fix' him.

I saw a counselor a few weeks ago through our company's employee assistance program. She wholeheartedly supported my step-wise approach to enforcing escalating consequences. This would start with taking away his phone and internet access to locking him out of his room during the day to locking him out of the house during the day to eventually eviction from our house.

Of course, my hope is that he will turn it around before reaching the eviction stage. I don't know if I'm strong enough to pull that trigger but I can't sit here and watch him destroy himself. If he can't help but destroy his life and/or risk accidental death I don't want a front row seat.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like whatever he is taking could kill him. My feeling is that he needs inpatient rehab. He probably uses all the time. My daughter did but I didnt think it was all the time. After she quit she admitted it.

Is inpatient an option? My daughter used scary drugs, but never had confusion the way you describe. And she did cocaine and meth and speed and psychelics and alcohol.i do know Xanax with alcohol can kill.

 

[MissJuneBug]

IP Rehab is an option but none of his past or present therapists nor the psychiatrist he sees thinks he needs that level of care. It's been a long slog to even get someone to recommend Intensive Outpatient and that only occurs after I mentioned it several times to his therapist.

My son, like a lot of those described here, is really good at making himself seem normal when he's talking with behavioral health professionals. He knows a lot about science and comes across as extremely intelligent and knowledgeable about medications, drugs, etc. I'm getting ready to email his psychiatrist about this latest episode. Son will be furious but we have been down this road too many times. I'm no longer willing to believe that he can control his drug use.

 

[mof]

So he won't need detox? Could he be dealing? Phone usage like that is a sign and a way for him to fuel his habit.

I would not have him in my home. I don't understand why they don't think he needs residential....what he's doing is dangerous.

Hugs to you

 

[susiestar]

One thing that each of my kids knows is a condition of living in my home, or of having any support from me, is that I be on their HIPAA forms as having the right to having access to their medical information and to speak to their doctors. I don't do this to be nosy, but because I am their mother. I truly have their best interests at heart and want the best for them. When it comes to medical things, I have a ton of experience and darn great instincts. . Heck, if I am discussing surgery or something like that, I take my own mother to the doctor with me. She is probably my best advocate as my husband is lousy with doctors. She and I don't always see eye to eye, but she wants the best for me and I trust her when she says a doctor is full of garbage.

My kids have known since they were little that this is a "mom's way or no way" issue and there is no give on it. You might consider this with your son if you can negotiate it so that you can have an open discussion with is doctors so that they can know that he is snowing them.

Heck, take video when he is high. Show it to them to give them concrete proof of how totally he is fooling them. Get him to admit to you how high he is, what he is taking or using, etc.... Video it and then insist that the doctors watch the videos that you make while you are there. Don't ever just email the video and trust that they will watch it = been there done that and they won't. Honestly, they don't really have time. They have too many patients. So you need to schedule an appointment and then not take your son. Have an appointment just for you to show them the video and discuss a plan of action. I found that video, especially short clips that showed shockingly violent or strange behavior, or evidence of whatever that your son is snowing them about, such as his drug use, was vastly more effective than any words that I could use. VASTLY more effective.

 

[Teriobe]

Mental help is hard to get if one is doing drugs. They tell you to go to detox and rehab first, then mental help. Because drugs cause mental problems

 

[BusynMember]

Teri...thats true. You cant really correctly diagnose somebody who is using drugs. There ARE duo diagnosis treatment centers.

 

[MissJuneBug]

Here's an update...

He went to the IOP assessment Monday and started the program today. Hubby and I confronted him with his bags packed and a bag of groceries last night and told him he could either move out right then or he would abide by our conditions - IOP, clean drug tests, restricted access to his phone and Internet, close the checking account and credit card, finish the one last credit hour he needs to get his bachelors degree and most of all... no more lies. We really spelled it out for him and I think he was pretty shook up. He chose to stay.

He doesn't need detox. He goes for many, many months using nothing. His issue is periodic 'binges'. It's been close to a year since his last episode. The problem is he has an extraordinary high tolerance for drugs and alcohol, so once he starts, he consumes way too much in a short time.

He has signed HIPPA rights to me. It's not that I can't talk to his therapist and physchiatrst, it's that they don't feel the substance abuse is his primary issue. And his psychiatrist is the only dual certified addiction psychiatrist in the state. He's highly regarded and runs a dual-diagnosis inpatient rehab. So if anyone should have a clear picture of this, he should. We have been very consistent about sharing information with them. His last counselor was a substance abuse counselor and runs a big recovery program in our town and his view was the same as the physchiatrist - that son has mental health issues and periodically he tries to self-medicate. His current therapist says the same thing. He has had these mental health issues since childhood, so that makes sense to me. My concern all along is that he really needed more therapy than one hour a week with a private counselor.

What really bothers us is the out-of-control binges.. I'm scared to death he will accidently overdose one day.

He's been profoundly depressed for months and definitely not using anything.. he barely left his bed, let alone the house. The weed smoking started back up (after a 2 year period of not using) last month when we told him he had no choice but to get help via the Intensive Outpatient program for his depression and anxiety. Nothing makes a shy, introverted, anxious person more anxious than the thought of having to share his feelings with a group of strangers!

I realized today that my mind and body is now on constant high 'alert' waiting for the next shoe to drop! Such a sad way to live.

Thanks you for all your kind feedback. It helps tremendously to know I'm not alone.

 

[pigless in VA]

What really bothers us is the out-of-control binges.. I'm scared to death he will accidently overdose one day.

I think that is a valid fear.

June, when my late husband was ill, I found a way to detach from him emotionally. I instinctively knew that he was a trainwreck. I never stopped loving him or trying to help him, but I had to pull away in order to save my own sanity.

Here's the detachment article.
Article on Detachment

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I don't know if you may be familiar with Al Anon, but it is also great for helping us learn to detach. I'm going through a rough spot with my codependency right now and using the tools I learned in that program saves my sanity when I "slip".

Not to sound like a preacher, but it IS possible for us to have serenity, peace, and even contentment no matter how poorly (or how well) our kids are doing. But we have to decide we want it badly enough to change our thinking and to some extent our lifestyles.

You can google "Al Anon near me" and get a list of meetings.

 

[ColleenB]

I think my son is similar to yours where it's a mental health issue and he uses to self medicate. My fears are like yours... he could kill himself accidentally or even not by accident.

We have such limited mental health care in this area, we don't even have adequate hospital beds, as I've had suicidal and psychoyic students of mine not be admitted or only for a night or two. I have lost my faith both as a school counsellor and a mother in our mental health care.

I hope you find some peace and your son finds some healing....

 

[BusynMember]

Al Anon is everywhere. So is AA and NA and county mental health centers. I live in an area where the "big city" is 18,000 people. There is mental health care and 12 step meetings. Sometimes we just need to travel further. in my opinion its worth it.

Rehab and mental health care can only help people who are willing to comply with treatment. It cant be forced and its not easy. Bern there/have the tee shirt.

 

[ColleenB]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree that there is mental health care everywhere. I teach in a rural area and it's hours to any kind of counselling or hospitals, and the wait list for counselling if you don't have private insurance can be six months or more. Hospitals discharge suicidal people after they "stabilize" them, which could mean only over night. AA and NA are everywhere but they don't work for everyone, especially if you don't agree with the higher power part.

We are seriously lacking in mental health care, I do work in the field as a school counsellor and I often don't know where to direct parents when they tell me they are on a six month wait list, or can't get into any treatment. We have ONE addiction centre for youth to 21 and it has limited beds. That is for our entire province ( like your state ). That is all we have. Nothing else.

It is beyond frustrating for me as a counsellor and as a parent it's devastating ....

 

[BusynMember]

Well, I do believe in the U.S. there are county mental health centers without six month waiting lists, but I could be wrong. I am in a rather rural area. Also most (not all) members here do have some spiritual belief so church/temple are options and dont charge. Al anon is largely the principal of letting go and knowing that we csnt control another person. It does not really require religious belief. Ive gone and they explain alternative thought for atheists. Atheists do go. They just dont participate in,say, a prayer id there is one.

Do these resources help everyone? No. Nothing helps everyone, including professionals. Certain methods click for one but not another. Some refuse help of any kind. I put out some places that are available everywhere in the U.S. and can help many, even those without money. I know nothing about Canada. You have a different healthcare system than us...i expect ours to get even worse now with less coverage for mental illness.

Mental healthcare is not as available in rural areas here as cities. The way the mentally ill are treated (I have been a patient with anxiety and a mood disorder since age 23) could be better. I have had to carefully pick and choose my psychiatrists and therapists and have had to advocate for myself and some of my kids. Insurance coverage is lacking for mental illness so many need county mental health services rather than private practice services and those many who believe in God can seek counseling from Pastors and Rabbis and it usually doesnt cost anything and can help the right people a lot.

I go now to our county mental health clinic. I feel they are very good, but I have long been stable and try very hard.

For emergencies there is the ER.

Its not enough, of course. The price of 50 minutes with just a private practice counselor can be $100, which is a fortune for people like me. Also I dont like how psycotic patients have "rights" but (sigh) they do so some end up on the streets and very sick. We do have group homes for those who will live there...but nobody can make them stay.

I am active in The Clubhouse, a social and educational group for the mentally ill so I see many people and situations. I have never been there, but there is help for drug addiction at our county mental health clinic. We also have psychiatric hospitals where you can end up staying for a few weeks rather than just that useless 72 hour hold.

A lot more needs to be done for sure, probably in both countries. And the world.

 

[Copabanana]

Colleen. Of course there is the reality of few or no treatment resources available. But your son is an adult. He could go to other provinces, metropolitan areas where there is help available. He does not have to stay with you, where there is so little for him and where you take so much of the responsibility off his shoulders.

My son bemoans how little there is for him in our small rural city of 80k, several hours from the huge metropolitan area near us, where we come from. But here there is County Mental Health. There is martial arts. There is exercise, walking, running, bilateral exercise that discharges negative affect. There are hundreds of religious orientations. There is hard physical work, like gardening, which has been an age old way that people have worked through problems and trauma. There are expressive arts: painting, murals, sculpture, woodworking. These can be done by anybody, anytime.

But the fundamental thing is this: we did NOT tell him to come back here. Nobody is holding onto his pants' leg to make him stay. This is free will. These are adult men.

 

[GoingNorth]

80K people, Copa? That's NOT a small, rural city! I lived in a city of 8K people for many years, and even there, I was able to find mental health services. Limited in terms of providers, of course, but they were there, both private and provided by the county.

I STILL use county MH services now that I live in a suburb of a city of ~300K people.

In my former city, substance abuse services were also provided by the same county services that I got my MH care from.

In that town, but public and private inpatient services were available as well.

Since I live in a "red" state that is constantly cutting health care funding, I would assume that some states have more and better care available.

 

[BusynMember]

Red state or not (wonder which one that is??) There is healthcare in sparsely populated W.D. County...my county. Also it doesnt take that long to get in. I totally expect insurance to start not including mental healthcare anymore so sliding scale county mental health centers and drug rehabs will be used more than ever.

I guess in one sense we are lucky...availability of mental healthcare is there. In bigger cities there are more choices than in smaller populations, but I believe you can find care everywhere (i could be wrong). The waiting lists in other countries is one point detracters of national healthcare use to keep the idea away from the U.S. its an effective argument. I do think everyone should have affordable or free healthcare, but ..... six months for mental healthcare? Thats potentially dangerous.

 

[Copabanana]

It's all relative isn't it? I am from a metro of 15 million people or more. My mother lived in an even larger metro. To me all that is here are gyms and churches. I like it, but there is not much when I consider it next to a large metro.

 

[GoingNorth]

Copa, I'm from Chicago originally, so Milwaukee was once pretty small by my standards, but I've lived half my life in smaller towns/cities, or rurally, so my attitude has changed over the years.

 

[ColleenB]

As much as I support our universal health care, our mental health care in Canada is severely lacking.

I just finished reading an article by some parents from one of our "richer" provinces (I live in one of the "poor" ones) about the fact they have two teenage daughters, one with a rare form of cancer and one with mental illness. The article goes on to say they would pick cancer over mental illness if you can imagine... they said they can find little to NO treatment for their daughter who is mentally ill and they are more scared of losing her due to lack of any treatment centres or available hospital beds. This is a very serious problem here in Canada and our new prime minister promised more funding in this area. I am waiting to see anything real or tangible.

We have talked of our son going to another province for treatment, however, he is not as bad as he was, and would never make it past intake. His only real option at this point is counselling and that is what we are asking him to do.

My heart breaks for the youth and other people suffering who have no where to go or no family to support them.

Today was a good day. He stayed awake. He is telling us he plans on moving out as soon as he can. I hope he does, I want him to find his own way, and we are simply trying to give him support so that he can.