He's on his way home---some questions

[SunnyFlorida]

I would not be giving him any of the money.

How is he earning $$ at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? However he's earning it now is how he should earn it at home or better yet continue his education or work.

I'd put the money in a MM account or start an IRA with it. There are so many other things it could be used for, tuition, employment clothing, saving for apartment downpayments etc. in my humble opinion it's too big of a temptation and a change from what you are trying to accomplish.

You did accomplish soooooooooooooo much. Congratulations on how you all have held up and come out so far ahead. Congrats to your difficult child too for learning a whole new set of tools.

I used VISA Buxx for a while with my difficult child's. You can also open a savings account, get a debit card and track it on line.

 

[hearthope]

I know you are scared and excited all at the same time!

I only have one suggestion ~

Discuss your plans for handling your son's money with him BEFORE he comes home.

He has more than likely counted every penny and already has plans for spending it.

In his mind he earned the money thru gifts and what nots.

I am not saying for you not to keep the money, just that I would make certain he understood what was going to happen with the money.

Most of our fallouts (my son is so much like yours) were about what he thought was his and the fact that he had to earn our trust again.

Looking back, I tried it both ways. I tried to make him understand he had broken my trust and had to earn it back, he thought he had paid for the broken trust by being in (jail,Residential Treatment Center (RTC),rehab)and we knocked heads.

I also tried to wipe the slate clean ~ he ran with the freedom!

You have done so well keeping on top of everything. I hope this all works out. If for some reason it does not ~ You with out a doubt did all you could to prepare him for his future. He has all the tools he needs to beat his problems, it is up to him to make the right choices.

Enjoy him when he comes home. But continue to be strong and wise as you are now.

Traci

 

[BusynMember]

In my experience with my daughter, CM, keeping busy was the main way she stayed out of trouble. She was living with her brother in a new state and, at first, had no friends. She had no car. She'd cracked up two cars already. Her brother wasn't about to let her use his expensive cars. She had to find jobs where she could walk to and from work and she started out at a Subway, in spite of the face that she had a license as a Beautician. She had to wait until her license transferred from Wisconsin to Illinois. Her brother let her know that if she broke any rules, she was out of the house, and she believed him because he was tougher on her than we were. Like you, we wanted to cut her slack until it got so out of control we couldn't live with her anymore--a bad place to be. When you stop using drugs or drinking, you literally have to change all your friends. That's hard even for a thirty-five year old, but for an eighteen year old, it's brutal. I don't believe my daughter could have hung with her old friends and stayed sober while they didn't. She was a kid who wanted to fit in and gave in to peer pressure. I know you can't send your son to a relative, but I do feel it's imperative that you monitor everything he does and everywhere he goes. He needs it--you are being kind to him if you do that. He has not yet learned how to buck peer pressure and, as his folks, it's compassionate of you to help him by setting limits on him that some, more mature eighteen year olds just don't have. I'd hate for you to ever have to tell your son to leave your house. It broke our hearts, even though her brother stepped in and at least gave her a place to stay, as long as she obeyed his house rules. I want your son to succeed and if that means making yourself not-so-popular with him for now, hey, he'll thank you in the long run. My daughter spewed how she'd hate us forever when we made her leave. But we're very close now. She is a completely different person. I am so praying for your son--you seem like such a loving parent.

 

[Sunlight]

I want to say I can read in your words that I agree with Deb, you have come so far. dont let your guard down. keep in mind that as others have said, he is old enough to live on his own if this turns downward.

pats on the back to you!

 

[jbrain]

And I agree with Ant'smom. Hope all goes well. My dtr did not do well at home after her stints in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then rehab but she was under 18 so we had to let her live at home.

She actually really did not start doing well til she could support herself and that has only been since about April. She has self-confidence and plans for her future and does not expect anything from us. This has made her a pleasure to be around now. She attributes it to being able to take care of herself. She says she cannot imagine doing it any other way now.

Good luck!
Jane

 

[BusynMember]

Although I don't think eighteen or sometimes thirty mean a person has grown up, I totally agree that if a child is out-of-control, refusing to listen to house rules, taking drugs etc. that it's actually better for the child to be tossed out. It doesn't help to enable them. In fact, it can make things worse.

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree. We have done that over and over again. Everytime my son got outof jail, rehab, etc. we allowed him to come backhome. It was ok for a week or two but after that - hell!!!!

 

[CAmom]

Sunny, they earn a small weekly allowance for the chores they do around the house. They also are paid $50/month for one of the programs they are involved in, independent living skills, I think.

My husband and I decided to keep joint ownership of his accounts until he proves himself responsible. The savings account, we're going to insist be not touched unless we have a family conference and all agree. We'd like him to consider that account as a fund to help him go out on his own at some point. We may or may not match those funds to encourage him to add to it, once he's gotten a job.

At least that's the plan...one day at a time...

 

[CAmom]

MW, I remember reading about how you sent your daughter to your brother, and I wished at the time we had a relative who would be willing to take our son under their wing. However, we don't. My sister and husband are childless by design (smart move...), my husband's sister and husband have raised their children, my parents are elderly, etc.

My hope is that, because my son is going to come home to find that many of his friends are off to college, and many others have full-time jobs, there simply won't be the opportunity to party as they were doing last summer.

We also know that the key is to make sure he stays busy, and he already knows that we will continue to support him only as long as he is attending college full-time, working full-time, or a combination of college and work.

I hope things go well, but I'm certainly not counting on it until I see it...

 

[CAmom]

Traci, I had to laugh when I read your comment about how my son probably already has plans to spend his money. In fact, every time we see him, he has pen and paper ready to calculate just how much he has in his account, minus this and that item he's asked me to buy for him using his funds, plus this and that which he has earned or has been gifted to him, and he knows exactly how much he plans to spend on various different items.

I've thought that, if he doesn't have a chance of a career as an attorney (he'd win cases by default because his endless negotiating and arguing would send the judge and jury screaming out of the court room), he'd make a great accountant.

I can totally see my son behaving very similarly to yours as far as the trust issue, and, in fact, we've already had a hot debate about that very thing. Trying to find a happy medium between not dwelling on past mistakes and keeping a positive tone is going to be difficult, I know...

 

[CAmom]

Ms. Mag, Ant's Mom, and Jbrain, I agree with you all.

My husband and I are VERY much aware that, at 18, we no longer legally have to put up with our son's cr-p, if he reverts to that in time. We've spent a lot of time talking about how we're going to react if he does. As much as we love our son, as you all do your children, neither of us is willing to EVER live with the chaos that was our lives, thanks to our son, last summer.

I can't even IMAGINE (I've tried, and I literally feel the bottom dropping out of my stomach just thinking about it) the pain of having to pack ones child's things and put them in a bag on the porch, change the locks, ect. But, so help me God, I will do exactly that before I watch my son crash and burn and allow him to take us with him, again.

In the meantime, I'm by nature am optimist, so I'm going to hope for the best...

 

[hearthope]

Sounds like you've got a good plan! :wink:


Good luck!

You will be in my thoughts!

Traci