Hey! I'm back!

[klmno]

I just don't understand him right now. You know how mom's give that "look" to their kids when the kid is really pushing their limits? difficult child gives that look to me. He did this once when I visited him this week. Then, he desparately needs a pair of shoes- the ones he has (the only ones he'll wear) have a piece coming out on the inside that is rubbing a blister on his foot. I told him to take the shoe off so I could check the size (I couldn't remember it) and I'd bring him another pair. He said no, it was ok, because he probably wouldn't like what I bought and although he didn't care, other kids did. Given where he is, WTH difference would it make? And I come home and see holes all in my walls, destroyed doors, and a huge piece of my bedroom door just gone. And he's there acting sincerely clueless and saying if I wasn't so stressed out, he could be coming back home, but since he understands that and cares about me, he'd prefer to just stay there than go to state juvy. I hope they have fun trying to figure him out.

 

[everywoman]

Just the idea that he thinks he is there because you are so stressed out shows how clueless he actually is at this point. How could these kids not know that it is not normal to knock holes in walls and doors and hold a knife on your mom to get a cigarette!!! Try to relax a little, get yourself back on track career-wise and financially. Look towards the future---which, the way I see it, has to be better than the past.

 

[klmno]

That's the thing EW- I KNOW he knows better-at least when he's stable. So if he isn't BiPolar (BP), he must be schizophrenic or a kid who is a pretty good kid who tries and is reasonable 6 mos out of the year and the biggest jerk ever the other 6 mos out of the year. I would swear he was on drugs, except he's had a tremendous amount of various types (blood and urine for all different things) and they all come back negative. But, when you know him and see the difference in personality, actions, attitiude, the way he treats me and friends in general- it looks like a person who's on drugs.

 

[Alttlgabby]

Sounds like things might finally be going in the direction they need to be going for you and your difficult child! Good luck in the coming weeks and peace to you with whatever decisions have to come your way!

 

[TerryJ2]

Klmno, it sounds like he's got a great team working with him. That is definitely what I would wish for.
I know the feeling of driving away and leaving half of your heart behind you.
And Bran got it right, about grieving ... I go for wks and things seems okay, and then something happens and throws it in my face again. Today I was shopping with-my easy child and there was a mom in the store with-a toddler boy. He was hopping around, dancing, and she said, "Come on, give me your hand," and he took her hand and walked away, as normally as could be. I couldn't help staring and smiling at how cute they were, and I wanted to chase after her and say, "Be thankful for him!" I don't think my difficult child ever took my hand when he was little. When he got into 1st gr I had to threaten him to take my hand because he was still impulsive enough to run into traffic.
Anyway, yes, it is a grieving process.
Your difficult child is in an unusual environment and this is all something new to him. He's experiencing it in his own way. Nothing you can do about it so I wouldn't try to second guess it. I would sleep as much as possible! And trust that these people will see through him. My difficult child was the best of the lot at the psychiatric hospital, too, and they still spotted some interesting things that validated my own thoughts. When they start taking notes and bringing you into mtngs, you will have to bite your cheeks to stop grinning from ear to ear and saying, "See, I told you so!"
You've got to trust them at some point.
I've got my fingers crossed for your difficult child in the coming days and wks.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, Terry & A! I am thankful that at least a few people saw he needed to be where he is to begin with- the man at detention, the judge, the counselor who gave him an emergency evaluation, and the profs at the place that accepted him. So, both layman and profs did have concerns just like I did and that does make me feel better. Especially after PO had just said that he didn't need anything except to be locked in detention. She said that in the same breath that she said she never knew he'd done anything to hurt himself.

Now, I'm just hoping he is where he is for a while. This is his unstable period (this time of year) and I know they realize that he needs therapy. They just don't know him well enough to see what is uncharacteristic of him. If they change his diagnosis, I just hope they are right and not making a mistake. At least the psychiatrist there said he's not sure if it's BiPolar (BP)- but that difficult child definitely has some sort of mood disorder. He didn't jump to a different diagnosis- he said he's still evaluation'ing it. If he seems very unsure about the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis after another few days, I'm going to ask him about doing a medication wash while difficult child is where he is.

Maybe it is depression and anxiety, then difficult child having some kind of version of a nervous breakdown, instead of mania. They asked if he'd ever had an MRI, which he has not. I wish they would do one and more neuropsychologist testing while he's there.

 

[Janna]

K,

I'm glad difficult child is getting what he needs from the powers that be and you're getting your rest.

Re: diagnosis'es. Truly, take em for what they're worth. That's my .02 (worth what you paid for it ). I have struggled with diagnosis'es with D for 9 years. Every single doctor you take difficult child to is going to have a different opinion. And honestly that's what they are. Opinions. They take a set of behaviors and run through the DSM and pick something. They all have their favorites. So, if he's not BiPolar (BP), oh well. They're gonna treat the symptoms, and that's what matters.

in my humble opinion, BiPolar (BP) is way overdx'ed anyway. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if it was ever outruled with D.

Take some time for u.

 

[CrazyinVA]

This all sounds SO positive. I, too,remember that first drive away from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) .. knowing Youngst would be there for quite some time. It was so hard. It got a little easier with each visit, though.

I had to laugh at the shoe thing.. because in some ways, that is typical teen behavior, really, not just difficult child behavior. Keep in mind that while he's a difficult child, he's also an adolescsent.. which of course complicates things even more.

It sounds like the psychiatric hospital staff has a great handle on things, and that difficult child will finally get the help he needs, long-term. It is good that he's only 14, there is some time to "get it right" before he hits 18. Believe me, that is a whole different ballgame, once things are out of your hands. I know the grief of the loss of the traditional things... Youngest was once hospitalized the day before she was supposed to go to homecoming, and I had to call her date.. boy was THAT an awkward call. It's hard... there is no doubt... but it's so much more important that our kids be safe.

You've done SUCH a great job. Do something for yourself.. go see a movie, buy a new outfit, something to reward yourself. You deserve it! And, that drink (or two) is still on me, when you have the time and energy.

 

[klmno]

Janna, I know you're right about the diagnosis and BiPolar (BP) being over-diagnosis'd right now. But in our case, it's always been me trying to convince people that difficult child is not always this way (in winter and spring) and trying to convince them that he really did do crazy things that I did not cause or provoke (in summer). So, I can't say for sure that it's BiPolar (BP)- but I do know that he has something cyclic going on. It's just too coincidental that it has happened almost like clock-work going on our 4th year in a row now.

My therapist told me diagnosis's are like criteria for a box- and many, if not all, people don't meet the cookie-cutter criteria. So, dr's are left trying to figure out which box criteria best suits the difficult child. But you are right, if they are noticing and treating the symptoms, it doesn't matter so much wwhat the label is, if school can deal with appropriate accommodations, too.

Thanks, Crazy! I guess my typical mom feeling about the shoe is that I don't want anyone thinking that my kid needs new shoes and I won't provide them. LOL! It leaves me feeling like I should get him a pair anyway so they can see that he at least has them- and I would do that except I don't know what size to get.

I guess there are good things and bad things about this happening now, if it has to happen at all. A lot of it depends on difficult child, of course. I do think I should mention to them that he might be somewhat delusional.

Anyway, I will be in touch with you. I'm going to organize my lists of things that need to be done so I can prioritize and try not to drop the ball on anything critical. Then, once I feel like I have a "plan" for getting everything back under control and caught up, I can go out and relax a bit. Thank you so much for "being there"!

I took me about 3-4 days just to get myself back on a normal sleeping schedule- boy, that feels good, too!

 

[DaisyFace]

K--

I am happy that your son is finally getting the serious attention that he deserves.

I am also very sad for you. In many ways--you have a fighting a war...and in times of war it is often necessary to keep one's head down and block out everything except the mission at hand. It is often the only way to survive.

And now that you have accomplished your mission--you are lifting your head (probably for the first time in a long time)...and suddenly you are aware of a million little things around you that you hadn't noticed in a while: Holes in the walls, missing doors, etc--all signs of the chaos that you have survived. And all of this you are now trying to process mentally and emotionally...

Be gentle with yourself. You need some "recovery time" of your own.

Sending support and gentle hugs.

Everything will be OK. You did well...and now try to get some rest.

--DaisyF

 

[DammitJanet]

OMG....the shoes! I wonder if there is anyone here who remembers my post about shoes? Cory and I were just laughing the other day about the meltdown we both had in the mall over shoes when he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Timberlands to be exact. He wanted a pair of $125 Timberlands and I was willing to pay $25 at Walmart for boots that looked just like them. He got mad, I got mad. I wasnt paying more for a pair of boots for a kid to wear that were never gonna see construction than his dad paid when he worked IN CONSTUCTION all week! HE!! NO! Oh but MOM, They are COOL! So what, he had sneakers that were perfectly good. (Cory was my Emelda Marcos) I got so mad I stormed out of the store.

Funny, now he wouldnt pay that on a bet...lol. Not when its his money.

But honestly, it sounds a bit like he is trying to manipulate you a bit already. Dont give in to the thoughts that he is so much less in need of being there and ready to come home. He isnt the one who will tell you that. Dont believe everything he says about what is going on there. He will tell you all sorts of things. Nature of the beast. There will be time enough for first dates and all that sort of thing. Heavens...first dates lead to a whole nother problem! The grandparent club...lol.

 

[totoro]

I hate the feeling like you are trying to prove something is wrong with your child.
Like your are coming up with excuses for him not acting SO bad right at the moment.
If they knew enough though they would realize by looking at the poor kids records that he was not in his right mind.
He is on medications! They have to be helping a bit!
He could be honeymooning!
And Mood-Disorders do have cycling! He could be OK for a bit and then lose it!
Why should you have to prove all of these things?
I just hate that.
Maybe in a week he will fall apart. Assessing someone with a Mood-Disorder truly takes time.
A psychiatrist told me once that he could tell if I had BiPolar (BP) just be looking at me! I told him he was full of it!
This was K's psychiatrist. I was like I am not cycling right now. Plus I am on some pretty good medications, a'hole.
It took K a full year before she showed her true colors to her therapist.
Do they not read the parts about the kids *holding it together* until they are in their safe place?
Maybe he does not have BiPolar (BP)? Who knows?
Is it over diagnosis'd? Who knows, I guess if your kid is mis-diagnosis'd you may feel that way. I don't. You could say ADHD, Autism all of them are over diagnosis'd.
In your case I think he just needs his symptoms treated at this point. He needs support.

Some of our kids our classic cases of their diagnosis some fall in the shadows of them and are very hard to diagnosis.
So it might not even be a mis-diagnosis it may just be very difficult.
Some of our kids may not even be able to be diagnosis'd until they level out in their teens.

You never know what you will end up with. He most likely is not Schizophrenic. K hallucinates, but she is not, lots of kids with BiPolar (BP) do. It is not a sign of Schizophrenia, she does not lose touch with reality when she is, she is not lost the Hallucination. She is just seeing things or hearing. She is still aware of reality.
When she is delusional that is different. Same as her grandiosity.
The Schizophrenic person is in that alternative world, they are part of their hallucination. They become part of it, it is their reality.
Hang in their, you are doing a good thing for your son.
Even though K's 5 week psychiatric hospital was not good from a medical standpoint, it helped me realize what she needed and didn't need.

 

[totoro]

Janet is right also... I was just talking to psychiatrist about the manipulation game. How it is so much more more when you add the Mood-Disorder to it.
It is still manipulation but with a kick!!!

 

[klmno]

The grandparent club...lol.

OMG! That's all I need right now- give me 10 years to catch my breath from this one, at least!!

Thanks, totoro! Yes, if they will keep him where he is a few weeks, things should be clearer. (I like the "manipulation with a kick"!)

And that much money for shoes- I don't spend that much on my shoes- it is nuts (in my humble opinion) to spend that much on shoes for a kid who outgrows them every few months. I can see it for a special gift- if I wasn't sitting here paying restitution for him and trying to figure how to EVER get the house repaired.

Well, difficult child was telling me yesterday how he's still going to be a vet (no word on his plan about catching up 8th grade school work yet) but maybe when he starts making all that money, he can pay restitution to me. LOL!

 

[Steely]

Just saying hi again klmno.........
I hope you are able to start finding some inner peace within all of this outside turmoil.

My difficult child is the Master Manipulator. OMG. He does not even know he is doing it sometimes, not to mention me. It is scary. However, after being in placements for the last 6 months, he is starting to see it. For yours, it might take some time as well.

Matthew has never been the honeymooning kid. He might go a day, or maybe 5 days, and then he comes unglued. I am not sure if that is a blessing or a curse, but at least I know what is to come pretty fast. Who knows about your kiddo either, but regardless, within the next month he will show his inner core enough that the staff will be able to discern what is really going on.

As far as I am concerned the diagnosis does not really matter, it is the methodology used to treat his symptoms that matter. I would recommend the same to you. I have known something was off with Matthew since he was 18 months, but it took until he was 12 to get even an inkling of what might be wrong with him on paper. In your case, your difficult child just started this behavior a couple of years ago, so it might take longer to get an accurate diagnosis -then again - the diagnosis does not matter as much as having a team that is dedicated to treating and helping difficult child with the symptoms he is experiencing. There are a bazillion colors to the rainbow of mental illness, and it does not all fit under 5 umbrellas.

As for the shoes.........geesh. Currently my 18 YO will only wear one shirt, and one pair of pants, and washes them every day. OK - uh.......Can we say a bit AS? Yet, that is not his diagnosis. He is the same way with shoes. He will wear the same thing until it has a hole in it or is falling apart, just because "he likes it". Do not put too much worry into it. If he wants to wear the shoes that give him blisters and are falling apart - go for it. I am very sure the treatment team will not throw a second glance at it.

Hugs.
Steely

 

[DammitJanet]

LOL Steely....Cory has both a PhD in Manipulation plus he refuses to honeymoon. I have never once had someone call me and say "uh, why is this kid here?" I guess that was validation at its finest...lol.