Marguerite
Active Member
AM I parinoid and just not letting the kid be a kid??
No. You will have learned with your daughter, that you should trust your mommy instincts. I agree with MidwestMom (as I often do) that an evaluation, from a neuropsychologist, would be beneficial. I also agree with whatamess that he has trouble transitioning. By this we mean that he has in his head, that a certain path of events will be happening. To mentally make that change causes him considerable difficulty and distress. This is what I was sensing from your earlier post, and is why I had mentioned Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) as a possibility. Whatever this is, I think Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) for now is a good working hypothesis. It may not turn out that he has enough for a diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but it is possible for an individual to have Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) traits but not enough for a diagnosis. That's what happened with our second daughter, although now she is older we firmly believe she is Asperger's, but as an intelligent adult, has adapted. Struggling somewhat at the moment, due to a need to learn to adapt further when she feels too stressed to do so. But that is as a young adult.
With your son (be careful to not use real names here - an alias leaves you much more free to vent when you need to, without alerting school, family, friends or others that it could be THEM making you angry) I would suggest you take into account his difficulty making transitions, and immediately put that on a red alert in your own mind and your husband's. It is not something you can discipline into him; it sounds like difficult child is well aware of his own flaws to the extent of seeing that aspect of himself as "bad". That is not good. He needs to realise that it's not his fault; that there is a switch in his head that is working a bit sluggishly, and you will help him learn, over time, how to work that switch more effectively. It's the switch from one task to another he has trouble with. You may find that even if the task he is doing is one he does not like, he still will have difficulty switching from an unpopular task to a popular one (say, from writing his lines to playing Wii) although of course the non-like to like pressure does make that transition easier!
Of course there is a lot more going on with him than simply a problem with transitions. But that can be your starting point.
WHat to do? Well, you just handled one event beautifully. So you're off to a good start. Plus (and you probably did this), when he does something good, praise him for it. Now you include quiet task-change in praise points. "Well done! You were able to postpone your Wii play and get your work done first!" Choose an appropriate time to say this, at the end of the required task is good. Be careful to not interrupt him. That is something we still struggle with, with husband and difficult child 3 both. Also with easy child 2/difficult child 2, even though she is an adult. They cannot cope with being interrupted. I remember husband's father was the same. If they are talking, or working on something quietly (which includes reading), it takes a major clash of mental gears to have to change task, and being asked something or spoken to can cause this clash. Also, when they are talking, if they are getting off topic or taking a while to get to the point, trying to hurry them can often only make it worse. husband & difficult child 3 both have speech dysfluencies which aggravate this. With difficult child 3, it's a hangover from his language delay (a hallmark of autism, when taken into account with his other Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) symptoms). With easy child 2/difficult child 2 she had no language delay but like her little brother, does have word retrieval problems.
A high IQ (although it may not show up in casual testing) is often found in the child, or in other family members. I mean, really high. And sometimes, the high IQ alone can bring headaches of its own. In easy child we have such a child - maybe two or three Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) traits but otherwise a easy child. However, at times she was a real headache to raise because she was so bright, she would argue her way into and out of anything. She also was very competitive and also at times insecure. easy child 2/difficult child 2 seemed even brighter - we had her accelerated into school - and drove us and her teachers crazy at times. easy child's first teachers found they had to keep her working constantly, she demanded more and more and it had to be stimulating and engaging. At one point she was working three grades above her own. If they didn't do this, she ran amok. She also was not the only kid in the class like this, although she was one of the top achievers in later years too.
This is not necessarily bad news, to use Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (working hypothesis) to get you started. Even if it doesn't turn out to be Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it's OK to start here and work from here. Your son has already shown he is loyal; loving; law-abiding; aware of good and bad and wants to be good; capable of intense focus and strength of purpose. The clash comes when you need to change his direction, and he has difficulty. His strength of purpose is so strong, that it causes difficulty. However, as he learns (through repeated experience) that when he gets his chores done, he gets to play his game (it won't be prevented permanently) he will find it easier to task-change.
I talk of working hypothesis - by this I mean, even if the label does not itself apply or has been ruled out, if it is currently the closest thing that seems to come anywhere near fitting, then use it as if it is the diagnosis, until you get a better fitting diagnosis. An example - my doctors were worried about me, said I had to lose weight. They said I was borderline diabetic and heading for gastric bypass. Now, I wasn't that big. And I wasn't yet diabetic. I wasn't yet suffering from severe liver disease although it was getting there. But in order for me to lose the weight, I had to live as if I already WAS diabetic, as if I already did have severe liver disease and as if I had already had gastric bypass (it was the only way I could cut portion size down - I had to live as if I had had the bypass but not have to actually endure the surgery). My working hypothesis was incorrect, but it still did the job for me and helped me lose weight.
I think you have made a wonderful start on helping your son. Also watch your other children for signs of transition difficulty, and try to ease them through it and not force it too hard.
Another trick that works for us - we used a Post-It note system. When difficult child 3 was playing a computer game (such as the Wii) and it was time for him to go have his bath, we learned to give him time to make the transition himself. But if we simply said to him, "difficult child 3, it's bath-time," he would either rage at the sudden imposed change, or not hear us. He might hear and respond automatically, but his brain was disengaged and it did not sink in, so alter on he would deny having been told. And he really did not remember having been told, even if we had heard him reply, "yeah, sure, I'll be there in a minute." It had been an automatic reply.
So we took to giving him advance warning. But we still had the problem of him insisting he had not heard the advance warning. So we stuck a Post-It note to the screen (in the corner where it doesn't get in the way). We would write on it the task needed (bath, or dinner) and the time he had been told. Or perhaps the time he had to go. Or both. Then when we reminded him and he said, "You never told me!" we could point to the note. Physical evidence. It helped him realise we were not making it up, and he did have a problem with transitioning that he hadn't fully appreciated.
Giving advance warning is still needed but he is now a lot better at watching the clock. Having a routine is also important. If you don't already have a routine, chances are your son has his own routine and it may not be one that you fully endorse. Your son's routine (held in his head) may be, "Get up. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Play Wii all day."
Another interesting task change problem - meals. We have to remind difficult child 3 to eat. He's now in a routine of not eating lunch until after 3 pm. Not good - but it does mean that he keeps working on schoolwork all day until 3 pm when he stops for lunch and often stops for the day. Sometimes I can take him a plate of food while he is working and he will keep working and eat at the same time. I get more work out of him that way. But it needs to be food that is easy to eat (like sandwiches) so he can eat and work. If he stops to eat, getting back to work is almost impossible. That is perhaps a more extreme example of task-change problem.
Good luck with this, you are doing well. I hope a neuropsychologist evaluation can pinpoint exactly what is going on and why, so you can make your help more specific.
Oh, one last thing - difficult child 3 has a good mate, several years younger, who also has (like difficult child 3) a diagnosis of high-functioning autism. difficult child 3's friend had mild language delay also, but hyperlexia was also his salvation. Learning to read early helped the language skills in other areas. difficult child 3's friend has progressed brilliantly, despite his parents doing almost nothing to help their son except let him do what he wants (which actually can work with these kids - but you could have problems later on when you try to direct the child). But this boy is about to start high school, mainstream, with no accommodations. He's done brilliantly, and has managed to learn how to change tasks (he used to be a shocker that that). I think his teachers have managed 9although it is the same school where difficult child 3 had poorer understanding form teachers and I know friend had the same dud teachers). I believe what has happened here, is primarily the efforts of the child. And I see the same effort in your son too - he desperately wants to be good, he desperately wants to please you. But he has other conflicts in his head getting in the way, and he currently interprets this as "bad" when it isn't really.
Keep us posted on how you get on.
Marg