Holidays Ahead...Anybody else dreading them?

[Triedntrue]

This will be the first year that I'm not hosting a large crowd. Each year I host either Thanksgiving or Christmas and do a sit down dinner for anywhere from 20 to 35.

I asked my husband what he wanted to do since we are not going to be hosting and he said "let's go serve at the rescue mission" so that is what we are going to do.

I love the holiday's. I love to decorate with all my fall stuff and then for Christmas.

I used to dread the holiday's but realized that my expectations were not realistic. I find much more joy in giving. A couple of years ago I made over 40 loaves of orange, cranberry nut bread and gave them away. My husband and I loaded up and walked around our neighborhood giving them out and I took a bunch to church and gave those out.
I also like to play secret santa to people I know that are having a hard time. Nothing too expensive, sometimes just Walmart gift card.
This year I'm buying 3 gift certificates for a nice restaurant to give to the three police officers that live in my neighborhood as a thank you for their service.

Orange cranberry nutbread i havent made that in years. Maybe i will dig out my recipe. It sounds like we need to thank you for your service. I wish i was as generous but have to admit i don't do as much as i should.

 

[Beta]

I love the holiday's. I love to decorate with all my fall stuff and then for Christmas.

I used to dread the holiday's but realized that my expectations were not realistic. I find much more joy in giving. A couple of years ago I made over 40 loaves of orange, cranberry nut bread and gave them away. My husband and I loaded up and walked around our neighborhood giving them out and I took a bunch to church and gave those out.
I also like to play secret santa to people I know that are having a hard time. Nothing too expensive, sometimes just Walmart gift card.
This year I'm buying 3 gift certificates for a nice restaurant to give to the three police officers that live in my neighborhood as a thank you for their service.

Yes, I love decorating for fall and winter. I love the creativity of it.
And I love your approach to the holidays! Getting my focus off of myself and my pain is a good way to handle it. I will give this some thought and come up with something I can do. Thank you.

 

[Beta]

I hate to slam "millennials" but I think as a generation, they are very a self-centered, entitled, pampered group of people. I know there are exceptions; in fact, I know of some who are not that way, but overall, that tends to be their mindset. I think those of us who parented during the 1990's and early 2000's could have learned something from the way our parents and grandparents parented. In my opinion, I think parents in our generation worried too much about our kids' self-esteem and psyche. Our parents and grandparents did not worry about those things, and frankly, I think we benefited from that approach more than our kids did with our angst about their "feelings" and self-esteem. Anyway, it doesn't matter now; I'm just in a reflective mood I guess.

 

[WiseChoices]

I lo

This will be the first year that I'm not hosting a large crowd. Each year I host either Thanksgiving or Christmas and do a sit down dinner for anywhere from 20 to 35.

I asked my husband what he wanted to do since we are not going to be hosting and he said "let's go serve at the rescue mission" so that is what we are going to do.

I love the holiday's. I love to decorate with all my fall stuff and then for Christmas.

I used to dread the holiday's but realized that my expectations were not realistic. I find much more joy in giving. A couple of years ago I made over 40 loaves of orange, cranberry nut bread and gave them away. My husband and I loaded up and walked around our neighborhood giving them out and I took a bunch to church and gave those out.
I also like to play secret santa to people I know that are having a hard time. Nothing too expensive, sometimes just Walmart gift card.
This year I'm buying 3 gift certificates for a nice restaurant to give to the three police officers that live in my neighborhood as a thank you for their service.

I love these ideas! Focusing on giving! It helps to model to anyone who may be watching what Christmas is really about .My husband is into spirituality a lot so I think I will have a discussion with him how we can contribute in a meaningful way in our community and in AA/NA/Al Anon.

The best way to get out if your own self and your troubles is to be of service. When someone in AA is on the pity pot, we say "Go help someone else".

 

[BusynMember1]

I feel guilty saying this but our holiday should be quieter because Kay and Lee won't be here. Yes, we will miss Jaden but we really don't want Kay or Lee here. They always managed to make everyone uncomfortable or start fights. Or both.

Thanksgiving will be my husband, two other kids, grands from Amy and a couple of my siblings who are no longer married. Our first calm Thanksgiving in a long time.

 

[Triedntrue]

I feel guilty saying this but our holiday should be quieter because Kay and Lee won't be here. Yes, we will miss Jaden but we really don't want Kay or Lee here. They always managed to make everyone uncomfortable or start fights. Or both.

Thanksgiving will be my husband, two other kids, grands from Amy and a couple of my siblings who are no longer married. Our first calm Thanksgiving in a long time.

I hope you enjoy the peacefulness while you can.

 

[Tanya M]

I feel guilty saying this but our holiday should be quieter because Kay and Lee won't be here.

Busy, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
There is no shame or guilt in not wanting to be around people that are toxic or cause distress.
One year my son went off on me because I did not invite him for Christmas. He berated me for inviting his ex wife and my grand kids. He kept saying "but I'm your son". Yes, he's my son but he is not welcome in my home. I have been burned by him too many times. I told him I was not comfortable having him my house because of all the times he has stolen from me. I told him I don't want people in my home that I can't trust. He kept coming back to "but I'm your son".
There may be some people who find my attitude cold and uncaring but I don't let that bother me. Life is much too short and I would much rather surround myself with people who appreciate me than people who show only disdain for me or just want to use me.
I would love for someday to be able to trust my son and have him in my home but he would need to prove himself first. I have forgiven him for all the horrible things he has said to me over the years, I have forgiven him for all the times he stole from me, I have forgiven him for all the times I would come home to a ransacked house because he was looking for money, I have forgiven him for so many things, but what I cannot do is forget and I do not feel one bit guilty about it.

 

[BusynMember1]

I love this. Thank you, Tanya.

 

[WiseChoices]

Busy, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
There is no shame or guilt in not wanting to be around people that are toxic or cause distress.
One year my son went off on me because I did not invite him for Christmas. He berated me for inviting his ex wife and my grand kids. He kept saying "but I'm your son". Yes, he's my son but he is not welcome in my home. I have been burned by him too many times. I told him I was not comfortable having him my house because of all the times he has stolen from me. I told him I don't want people in my home that I can't trust. He kept coming back to "but I'm your son".
There may be some people who find my attitude cold and uncaring but I don't let that bother me. Life is much too short and I would much rather surround myself with people who appreciate me than people who show only disdain for me or just want to use me.
I would love for someday to be able to trust my son and have him in my home but he would need to prove himself first. I have forgiven him for all the horrible things he has said to me over the years, I have forgiven him for all the times he stole from me, I have forgiven him for all the times I would come home to a ransacked house because he was looking for money, I have forgiven him for so many things, but what I cannot do is forget and I do not feel one bit guilty about it.

It's like the saying cheat me once, shame on you, cheat me twice , shame on me. We forgive for us and to clear the negative vibes within . But forgiveness does not mean that we lower our walls of self protection or trust again.

 

[DaisyC1234]

I never really like the holidays, just because my parents always worried about by brother and his issues. This year with my husband and mom at odds, for now, I'm hoping time with smooth that over, it will just be us and my husbands family over for Thanksgiving. I invited my oldest daughter over and the two grandbabies. The other day the Difficult Child daughter was over doing some laundry and she actually spoke to my husband and he responded back. It was a small conversation about something the grandbaby said. Again, I'm not the middle man and can't make people be nice or apologize to each other, so I hope this gets smoothed out as well. My Cass still doesn't feel comfortable with her sister being at the house, but I hope over time they can mend that relationship. The oldest would steal from her and she works hard for her money and the stuff she buys.

Christmas eve is always spent at my mother in law's home and an uncle who lives down the street always has Santa Clause over for the kids, so we do that. Christmas day was usually spent with my mom and dad at their home, probably not this year. We will just veg at home watching TV and playing with the "toys" the kids get.

I do Bikram Yoga and Pilates classes and one of the instructors always says "You don't get what you wish for, you get what you work hard for" I love this, and I tell my other two children Cass and Orion this all the time.

I'm still raising these other two children, so I gotta keep it together.

I just found out the other day that my brother is now really homeless (no car), which makes me sad for him. We were never close, but I still feel for him.


I can't wait for it to be over!

 

[BusynMember1]

The holidays will be peaceful this year but my son who is now an angel was born around the holidays so that always saddens them for me. The part I like the most about the holidays are the wonderful church services where I feel my son the most and also send my love to Jesus whom I believe is God (I know not everyone does...just explaining and no judgment).

I have an update, an exciting one, one about Amy and Jaden and will post about it soon. It isn't perfect and I won't give little details online, but it is a big step in the right direction for that little boy. We have been in touch with Lee's parents and they are on board too. So the only possible problem is Lee, who is ambivalent. Amy did a monster great job connecting with Kay though. I hear Kay even hugged her!

Our fingers are crossed. More later.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am glad you have some happy news!

 

[WiseChoices]

The holidays will be peaceful this year but my son who is now an angel was born around the holidays so that always saddens them for me. The part I like the most about the holidays are the wonderful church services where I feel my son the most and also send my love to Jesus whom I believe is God (I know not everyone does...just explaining and no judgment).

I have an update, an exciting one, one about Amy and Jaden and will post about it soon. It isn't perfect and I won't give little details online, but it is a big step in the right direction for that little boy. We have been in touch with Lee's parents and they are on board too. So the only possible problem is Lee, who is ambivalent. Amy did a monster great job connecting with Kay though. I hear Kay even hugged her!

Our fingers are crossed. More later.

I am overjoyed for you!

 

[ChickPea]

Today I'm excited but dreading the holidays.

 

[Beta]

Busy--that sounds like an encouraging step in the right direction. Keep us posted. I can only imagine the anxiety you have to deal with concerning Jaden's safety.

 

[Chasejazz]

How are you all feeling about the upcoming "family" holidays? How do you manage your grief and expectations at this time of year?

This will be our third Thanksgiving/Christmas without Josh present. He is blocked from us right now due to his abusiveness. I struggle every day maintaining enough self-respect to keep some boundaries and not allow him to abuse me. It's hard. I just feel so cheated sometimes from what I thought would "be". And yes, I know it doesn't mean that it will always be this way. I try to keep that in mind too.

We just found out that our younger son is thinking about moving across the country in March, and we are being supportive of him but are grieving his being so far away. If it comes about, it will feel like we have "lost" both adult kids. My dream of having them close by seems be that just that--a dream.

So...the holidays are on my mind and I'm wondering what your thoughts are?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I went to the store and got sliced turkey, dressing, a very small ham, yams, veggies, rolls and a desert.
I have lots of great Christmas movies and there are some very good Netflix movies to watch also.
When I get up in the morning, I'm going to cook a holiday dinner.
There are no kids here anymore.
I'm single again, divorced these past two years.
What I intend to do is to make myself a fantastic meal while listening to Christmas music. Later on, I'm going to watch some funny movies and relax.
I intend to enjoy my day.
By myself.
Yup. You bet I am.
And I really feel that's what I'm supposed to be doing.
Because I can't do sad anymore.
I can't do lonely anymore.
I can't waste my Todays longing for Yesterdays (which weren't that great, truth be told).
I'm not trading in my Tomorrows either.
I just can't.
The whole issue of having a homeless son and two disconnected adult children is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
My family is fragmented, divided, alienated and dysfunctional.
And at some point, I just had to accept it. I accept things for what they are. I will not beat my head against that wall anymore.
I hope my homeless son has a Thanksgiving dinner somewhere. Perhaps the Salvation Army or maybe with a friend or acquaintance. I don't know.
I hope my other son, my daughter and their respective spouses/families/friends celebrate the day in whatever fashion that they have chosen.
Because you know what?
I'm tired.
I deserve some peace and quiet.
I deserve a hot meal and a funny Christmas movie.
I really, really do deserve it.
I busted my butt to make so many people happy (or so I hoped) , for over 40 years and in the end it didn't work out.
I accept that.

So, it's just time to move on -- to do something new.
To turn the page.... and always keep editing.

Happy Thanksgiving and hugs to all of you.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow"
- Melody Beattie

 

[WiseChoices]

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I went to the store and got sliced turkey, dressing, a very small ham, yams, veggies, rolls and a desert.
I have lots of great Christmas movies and there are some very good Netflix movies to watch also.
When I get up in the morning, I'm going to cook a holiday dinner.
There are no kids here anymore.
I'm single again, divorced these past two years.
What I intend to do is to make myself a fantastic meal while listening to Christmas music. Later on, I'm going to watch some funny movies and relax.
I intend to enjoy my day.
By myself.
Yup. You bet I am.
And I really feel that's what I'm supposed to be doing.
Because I can't do sad anymore.
I can't do lonely anymore.
I can't waste my Todays longing for Yesterdays (which weren't that great, truth be told).
I'm not trading in my Tomorrows either.
I just can't.
The whole issue of having a homeless son and two disconnected adult children is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
My family is fragmented, divided, alienated and dysfunctional.
And at some point, I just had to accept it. I accept things for what they are. I will not beat my head against that wall anymore.
I hope my homeless son has a Thanksgiving dinner somewhere. Perhaps the Salvation Army or maybe with a friend or acquaintance. I don't know.
I hope my other son, my daughter and their respective spouses/families/friends celebrate the day in whatever fashion that they have chosen.
Because you know what?
I'm tired.
I deserve some peace and quiet.
I deserve a hot meal and a funny Christmas movie.
I really, really do deserve it.
I busted my butt to make so many people happy (or so I hoped) , for over 40 years and in the end it didn't work out.
I accept that.

So, it's just time to move on -- to do something new.
To turn the page.... and always keep editing.

Happy Thanksgiving and hugs to all of you.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow"
- Melody Beattie

That sounds lovely, Chase. It is so inspiring to read that you will take care of yourself and nurture yourself letting everything else go. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[youngfool]

Many will not remember me it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. Sadly things have not changed much if your here then we all have the same issue in a way. Anyway I hate the holidays the commercials other people having fun guilt sadness and the feeling of being so different from the normal way other people interact with their kids. Just want to ball up in bed and sleep through the whole season but life calls so I have to put on a face and pretend that all is good when I really just want to go to sleep wish I was different and could just go on with life but I’m me it hurts sucks and no one around me knows what is inside me.so to answer your question yes you’re not the only one who hates the holidays

 

[Chasejazz]

That sounds lovely, Chase. It is so inspiring to read that you will take care of yourself and nurture yourself letting everything else go. Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks, Wise.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is on television right now.
I'm tucked in my comfy on the couch watching the festivities.
This year is different, but good.
Have a great holiday. Enjoy!

 

[louise2350]

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I went to the store and got sliced turkey, dressing, a very small ham, yams, veggies, rolls and a desert.
I have lots of great Christmas movies and there are some very good Netflix movies to watch also.
When I get up in the morning, I'm going to cook a holiday dinner.
There are no kids here anymore.
I'm single again, divorced these past two years.
What I intend to do is to make myself a fantastic meal while listening to Christmas music. Later on, I'm going to watch some funny movies and relax.
I intend to enjoy my day.
By myself.
Yup. You bet I am.
And I really feel that's what I'm supposed to be doing.
Because I can't do sad anymore.
I can't do lonely anymore.
I can't waste my Todays longing for Yesterdays (which weren't that great, truth be told).
I'm not trading in my Tomorrows either.
I just can't.
The whole issue of having a homeless son and two disconnected adult children is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
My family is fragmented, divided, alienated and dysfunctional.
And at some point, I just had to accept it. I accept things for what they are. I will not beat my head against that wall anymore.
I hope my homeless son has a Thanksgiving dinner somewhere. Perhaps the Salvation Army or maybe with a friend or acquaintance. I don't know.
I hope my other son, my daughter and their respective spouses/families/friends celebrate the day in whatever fashion that they have chosen.
Because you know what?
I'm tired.
I deserve some peace and quiet.
I deserve a hot meal and a funny Christmas movie.
I really, really do deserve it.
I busted my butt to make so many people happy (or so I hoped) , for over 40 years and in the end it didn't work out.
I accept that.

So, it's just time to move on -- to do something new.
To turn the page.... and always keep editing.

Happy Thanksgiving and hugs to all of you.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow"
- Melody Beattie

I'm spending my Thanksgiving alone too, Chase. My two other daughters who are good to me invited me to their houses, but I don't want to have to sleep overnight there as it's out of state. My other daughter has nothing to do with me anymore and I've tried to contact her many times and have decided not to reach out anymore. If she wants to get in touch with me, she knows how. I'm at peace with everything now. I wish you and everyone a Happy Thanksgiving with many blessings given to all of you.