Hi all. Holidays. Hmmmm. It’s good to get together with family and friends. I find myself more and more dismayed by the excess and buying hysteria. I had to make a run to good ole Walmart last night for essentials for my grand and was astounded by the amount of people frantically running around for giant TVs and such. They had cattle gates ready to set up for the crush of Black Friday shoppers. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer for those who partake, it’s just not for me. I don't like crowds. I don’t like all the commercialism.
I was different and could just go on with life but I’m me it hurts sucks and no one around me knows what is inside me.so to answer your question yes you’re not the only one who hates the holidays
Welcome back YF. I am sorry that you are struggling so. I had to look up your profile to reacquaint myself with your story. (Sorry brain is on overload these days.) I hope you are able to get out and ride your bike. I have not been on my exercise routine since my grands became my responsibility and I have noticed the difference in my energy level and how I feel. Got to find time to get back to movement. It really helps. I am sorry that you are hurting and no one knows. That is hard to keep inside. I am surrounded by counselors now since I have charge of my grands and started therapy again to help find strategies to work with the kids. It is good to be able to talk with someone even though the focus is mainly on helping me help my grands. I am as chatty as I write (sorry) and do share parts of my story with close coworkers. I don’t want to reveal everything, but do want certain folks to know why I need mental holidays every so often.
If your concern is you and your sons privacy, please try and find a group, or counselor, or someone to talk with. It is hard to bare this grief alone.
I found that grieving over my wayward daughters was and is more difficult than when my husband of 36 years passed. That may sound horrible. It is because there is a finality with this loss in death. It
is still hard, but I what I am trying to say is that grieving the
choices of our living beloveds, riding this horrendous rollercoaster
for years, passing by areas they frequent, seeing my eldest daughter with her leg ballooned with infection, or the selfies my middle daughter posts on Instagram boasting of her drugging lifestyle, a recent one with a Halloween filter with glowing demon eyes captioned “F### Feelings”.
The list could go on and on.
I had to give them over to a higher power because the angst and sorrow was sucking the life out of me.
The holidays just seemed to magnify the loss and sadness. I think the word is bereft. Getting up and putting on a mask, daily, takes a toll on us.
I am so sorry for your aching heart.
I do hope you are able to find someone to talk with. Even coming here and writing has helped me tremendously.
You have value and worth. You have a life to live. Please take the time to be kind to yourself and find some way to soothe your soul.
I have come to the conclusion after many, many years of trying to help my two, and that flying back into my face, that the best way I could help them, would be to pick myself up by the bootstraps and try to live the best rest of my life. Lord only knows at 60 how many years I have left on this earth. I channeled my Dad, a stoic New Englander who would put up with none of it. I read and read and find quotes and write them down to remind myself to live each day.
I write here and
that reminds me to not go back to the depths I visited over my twos choices. I fall into the Rabbit Hole every now and then, but I stop my inner voice from berating myself for that.
I pray. In fact, as I write this to you, I am goading myself to get back to my morning walking routine. It helped to get up in the morning, breath in the fresh air and challenge myself.
I am sorry for how long this post is. It just hits me hard to read of so much hurt and sorrow. I have been there many times. I know how lonely it feels. Through writing and venting here, and folks kindness, I was and am able to process that sadness.
I will celebrate these holidays in a different way this year. Perhaps taking my grands to volunteer somewhere. Or going hiking with them. Focusing on gratitude and healing. You see, they are my middle daughters children and have been through so much witnessing their parents spiraling into their drug world. I am seeing and living both sides of the story, I, a mother grieving over my daughters lifestyle, my grands suffering neglect and abandonment issues with both parents drugknapped and delusional.
So I will glitz out my home with lights and bake cookies, find ways to soothe their wounds and souls and at the same time, continue to work on my own.
Keep keeping on all and find your own ways to celebrate these holidays and
life. Time after time, I have fallen into the pit over the chaos of my twos choices, only to realize it was just another Tuesday for them. It has been a long, long journey. I think part of it was meant for me to find.......myself.
I am grateful for all of your kindness and light.
Wishing for all of our healing and finding joy, despite what our beloveds choices may be.
Much love
Leafy
