Homeless 46 year old daughter and a son in jail

[Weary Mother]

Good Morning, it is back to work and to the real world for me after 3 days of being out camping. I am enjoying a small amount of peace recently and am trying to practice this each day. I am aware that at any time I can have a relapse and that I am not very good yet at detaching but am working on it. It occurred to me over the weekend that this is the first holiday weekend for a long time that I haven't gotten emergency calls from my son telling me things that completely wrecked my day. For the last few years I had been getting calls from him that he was either about to be killed, beaten up, or was starving or freezing or something really horrible. And I will tell you that no matter how hard I tried it really devastated me each time. I fear living like that again. The stress of the worry is just so hard. So, for today and this moment, I am keeping my head up, taking care of myself, letting my grown children suffer the worry of their own life and trying to let go of everything else.

 

[BusynMember]

I suggest not taking his calls. Why upset yoirself because he lies? Not getting involved in their drama, which they did to themselves. Is good for them and blissful for your mental health once you stop doing it. He isn't about to be killed. You know this, no matter what he says.
And if his deliberate story to scare you were true, what could you do to stop it? Nothing. But it's a manipulative lie. He is getting up there in years...he has had much time to figure out how to make you feel bad for his own mistakes. Don't participate in his sob story. He knows how to survive in jail. He knows how to get food and where it's open 24/7 so he doesn't freeze. He is playing sick games with your kind heart.

Don't let your not so young daughter act like she is helpless either. They are old enough to deal with their own self made problems without stressing out their older mom. Shame on them for not having any consideration for you. Seriously. These are NOT kids. They should leave you alone. You are at an age when most kids start to worry about their parents. I know my kids do. You are 66. Do they not get what this can do to you?

Keep doing things you enjoy!!!. That's in my opinion what you should do now. Limit how often you talk to your kids. It's not as if they will ask how YOU are doing or will bring you happy news. Be stingy with how much complaining time you allow them. I know bad things hsppeNed to others in your family...I am very sorry. But none of that was your fault nor could you have stopped it. Same with your kids. Their destiny is only in their hands.

Try to have a peaceful day and avoid the phone!!! Hugs

 

[Weary Mother]

I suggest not taking his calls. Why upset yoirself because he lies? Not getting involved in their drama, which they did to themselves. Is good for them and blissful for your mental health once you stop doing it. He isn't about to be killed. You know this, no matter what he says.
And if his deliberate story to scare you were true, what could you do to stop it? Nothing. But it's a manipulative lie. He is getting up there in years...he has had much time to figure out how to make you feel bad for his own mistakes. Don't participate in his sob story. He knows how to survive in jail. He knows how to get food and where it's open 24/7 so he doesn't freeze. He is playing is k ges woth your kind heart.

Don't let your not so young daughter act like she is helpless either. They are old enough to deal with their own self made problems without stressing out their older mom. Shame on them for not having any consideration for you. Seriously. These are NOT kids. They should leave you alone.

Keep doing things you enjoy!!!. That's in my opinion what you should do now. Limit how often you talk to your kids. It's not as if they will ask how YOU are doing or will bring you happy news. Be stingy with how much complaining time you allow them. I know bad things hsppeNed to others in your family...I am very sorry. But none of that was your fault nor could you have stopped it. Same with your kids. Their destiny is only in their hands.

Try to have a peaceful day and avoid the phone!!! Hugs

Thank you for your reply and you are correct about what you say. It is the hardest thing to do, detaching from adult children. No matter what happens they are still your offspring, but developing a position of distance is a good thing, just hard to get the hang of, kinda like learning to ride a bike or skate. Very uncomfortable and painful at first, but then it gets easier. God forbid anything serious should happen to either of them such as cancer or some other tragedy that is not self inflicted, but if it should I would react differently than to the repeated self inflicted kind.

 

[RN0441]

Jodie

In my own life I equate the detachment as relearning how to be a mother in a different way.

It is damned hard. I am doing it with the help of a therapist that I see weekly.

I have given five full years to my son and he hovered in the same spot.

He is sober now but is he in recovery or taking it seriously? I don't know and I can't do it for him anyway. I don't ask many questions. Just wait to SEE actions. He continues to hold a very big piece of my heart.

Glad you are doing some fun things for yourself. Life is so short. Be happy for you.

 

[Weary Mother]

Jodie

In my own life I equate the detachment as relearning how to be a mother in a different way.

It is damned hard. I am doing it with the help of a therapist that I see weekly.

I have given five full years to my son and he hovered in the same spot.

He is sober now but is he in recovery or taking it seriously? I don't know and I can't do it for him anyway. I don't ask many questions. Just wait to SEE actions. He continues to hold a very big piece of my heart.

Glad you are doing some fun things for yourself. Life is so short. Be happy for you.

Thank you, it is hard for me as well to relearn.

 

[Childofmine]

Jodie, I'm so glad you had a drama-free weekend. Who ever thought we would all be so grateful for the absence of something...like drama...and the presence of simple peace?

I found, as I was recovering from enabling, that I would "borrow trouble." I'd think: Well, yes, today is better but what about tomorrow?

Once again, I was not living in this moment, this day, this hour...which is truly all we ever have anyway?

Waking up to the idea that serenity, joy, contentment, peace and happiness come from this: Living in the moment, was almost an over-simplification for me. I rejected it because it seemed...too simple.

But then, as I began to think about it...write about it...pray about it...read about it...meditate about it...focus on it more and more and more, the more I realized that it IS a very simple concept...but also very hard to practice continuously. It takes the work to keep the focus on...right now. Without the work, we slip into the past or into the future---two places we don't need to spend time in---because it's either already done---the past---or we have no idea what will happen---the future.

Good things can happen in the future too...not just bad things.

I pray you have more peace right now. You can enjoy this...very...moment...right now...more and more and more.

 

[Tanya M]

Jodie, you are doing really well. You know what you need to do and you are working towards that "detachment" goal. There are always set backs and that's ok. All any of us can do is stay steady the course and when a storm comes we just have to hang on with all we have.

 

[Sadgranny]

Ok I'm still on here. Again I'm amazed with you wonderful people. I need to thank you all again. You have touched my heart. I am reading and growing. Thank you. Sorry we had to meet this way. You have inspired me. Good night. Peace to all of us.

 

[Weary Mother]

Tanya, thanks for your encouragement. I am trying hard. My son is now in RDC where they asses you and place you in a prison. He has been there since 8/9/16. No AC, no work, just wait. He was ordered by the court to make restitution to the rehab of the house that burned in the meth fire, to the girlfriends burn injuries from the explosion and 1 month in the hospital, the state police for the forensic examination of the house they did and will not be eligible for release until 10 of 2018. He has depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, hearing loss, and is 48 years old. I fight daily to not let my sorrow for him overtake my common sense that tells me he can make better decisions. My daughter is now working but needs progress in being humble and grateful. She is still self centered and seems to have an attitude of entitlement until she gets into a bind and then she can be very pitiful. She is 46 years old, diabetic, overweight, depressed and has social anxiety as well as anger issues. I am glad that for now she lives 500 miles away near her younger daughter. It give me relief from her negative persona.

I am working on me. I am working on what is my life about? I know what is has been about. Drama, other peoples drama. Now I have choices and I am looking at my options. One is to sell my house if I can make money on it and bank that, find a part time job that I would actually enjoy instead of working in a drudging job just to have spending money. And perhaps I can also do volunteer work somewhere. My life has been what is has been, I can't change the past. All I want is to try to find a peaceful way to spend the rest of what time I am here. So thankful for this forum, and agree with Sadgranny that it is too bad we all have to meet this way, but so glad we did.

 

[Weary Mother]

Today I am pondering something that maybe the community out there can respond to. How do you handle this when you do something really nice and even above and beyond for your needy child and get a mediocre response? There are times when I do something for my daughter that if someone had done for me, I would have immediately expressed gratitude and appreciation but her response is "ok". It happened yesterday and after I read the text, as it was sent in a text (Which she and it seems a lot of people her age prefer over actual phone conversations) I was puzzled. And when I read her response "ok", I sent her a text asking her "just ok?". I never got a reply. I am not going to pick a fight over this or ruin my day but since we all deal with some of this stuff I wonder if anyone has handled this well and would share about it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Jodie, my daughter used to respond to me that way. Over the last few years I've stepped back considerably and do much, much less for her and nothing where I give her money......as I detached from her needs and said no more and more often, go figure......she became so appreciative, so grateful. Her gratitude was in direct proportion to my level of detachment, the more I receded out of her sphere of continuing need, the more she became aware of me and what I did do. Now I do very little and her response is a lot of appreciation.

If anyone else treated you that way and made you feel resentful for your giving, you'd likely stop giving. Because they're our kids, we give them many chances to change and learn to appreciate us......however, they rarely change unless we change.

 

[Weary Mother]

wow, how interesting recoveringenabler. What I did was not actually give her money, however she makes really nice bracelets and I have sold them and sent her money to her. When I told her I was sending money again, and she had expressed she was needing to pay an electric bill, her response was very flat and disinterested. Just "ok". I felt I had gone out of my way to get her started selling something that would earn money honestly and suggested she get an etsy account and take responsibility for selling them herself. So, perhaps helping is really not something that everyone appreciates and other like myself would have kissed feet to have some help like that. I got no help and was left to figure out my own life, and it was painful. Which is why I always think others will feel the same way, apparently not.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Jodie, I relate to your history.....I became codependent as a result of the abuses in my own childhood......over-giving, enabling and rescuing became who I used to be. It took a lot of work for me to pull myself out of that place and I still require help at times......I didn't get the love and support I needed as a child and it was, like you, painful......so I gave to others what I didn't get......except I forgot to give that same level of love and support to myself. Now that I'm retired and no longer enabling, I am learning how to give to myself, how to focus on myself and make myself the priority. I've been at it awhile now........amazingly, it is not always easy, I have to turn the tide of 60 odd years.....but I am so darn determined to do it..........my time is limited and I don't want to spend the rest of it abandoning myself.

 

[Weary Mother]

recoveringenabler: I cried reading your reply. I never realized how much my childhood pain affected me until later in life. And to find others who relate is a blessing from above. I am reading and taking advice from here and always take to heart any thing that is shared. This really really touches my heart to read your post. I also feel the limits of time and the need to make to most of my own life. If only I could have known this much earlier in life. I know people who see it very young and become very focused on life and goals, letting go early of the drama. Not me. Nooo. I always have been sucked in, sometimes never realizing I was being sucked. I do count, and I hear in your post that you see that you count, thanks for saying all that you did.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Jodie, you've lost so much, your one child who died, the other two off the rails.....that's a lot of grief....plus a bad childhood where you felt you had no value, (I had that childhood too)....that's a lot to heal from.....you didn't get sucked in to anything, you made choices to try to help, to do your best, if you had known any better, you would have done it.......me too. But now we do know......and we're never too old to change.......just last night my husband and I were talking about getting one of those little teardrop trailers which we can pull with our SUV, and just taking off on an extended road trip......that sense of freedom I haven't had before........seeing as much of the world as I can now........I've worried about others all my life, as I imagine you have too.......now it's our time Jodie.......let's go out and rock it!