homeless daughter and drama

[Weary Mother]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. I have a 46 year old daughter who has failed to mature enough to support herself and live on her own. She refuses to see her responsiblities as hers and blames others for her failures. And when she is confronted with her responsibilities she has soooo many excuses, and cries and threatens suicide or throws guilt trips such as "I will just sleep in the streets". I have been in therapy for other issues concerning an addicted son who has been jailed for the 2nd time on a meth charge and so do realize that enabling is a bad thing. My problem is that after so much of this I have become drained and just want to walk away from family issues.

The latest drama is that my daughter and her grown daughter have had a major blowup, resulting in a false report made to welfare on the children of my granddaughter, and now both my granddaughter and daughter are in a battle that both want me to take sides. I have told them both I will not take sides but because I have given my daughter a small amount of help in getting her belongings out of her daughters house, my granddaughter now includes me in her anger and has threatened me.

I am trying to remain calm, and stay out of this. Inside I am miserable, but will be OK. I just wanted to share here and begin to reach out and hopefully get some support for myself here. I am not new to the idea of not enabling but this stuff can zap the crap out of people even when they are doing the right things.

Any one out there that can respond?

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Jodie.

this stuff can zap the crap out of people even when they are doing the right things.

Well said and so honest. Knowing it, and living with doing it in the midst of it it, are two different things. Hang on, save you.

I am trying to remain calm, and stay out of this. Inside I am miserable, but will be OK.

I think I would write this down, repeat it, then tatoo it someplace! Misery comes and goes, theirs and ours. All we have is today, make it good. Take a walk, do something for yourself and keep posting. It is so helpful to clear your head this way. Sorry that you're in this mire. Many of us are/have been there too. Prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

Your daughter is way too old to be acting like this and your grandchild is an adult. I would never take sides or even get involved in this nonsense with a 45 year old.

Dont. Walk away, hon. This is teenage mean girl nonsense and you need to hsve a peaceful rest of your life. Walk from this drama and embrace the first day of the rest of your life.

We are not supposed to take care of adult children forever, especially that old. This is not your crap. Dont allow it to be.

Hugs!

 

[Weary Mother]

Thanks for your responses. I just put her on a train to return to Missouri, to stay with a lady that offered her help, she had lived there briefly for a while. On the way, the lady backed out. So now she is throwing guilt trips on me about having no places to live and is still refusing to find a homeless shelter. I just want to scream.

 

[BusynMember]

Detach. its not your problem. Stay away from the phone. Nobody is going to take care of her anymore. She is responsible for herself. in fact most adult kids her age are starting to worry about their older parents, not the other way around. You need to mske sure you stay healthy and stress free. My advice is not to overly engage her and to start taking care of a very deserving person...yourself.

Hugs!

 

[Weary Mother]

SomewhereOutthere:
Thanks. It is hard to keep all this in mind when I feel so overwhelmed. I have had a lot of therapy on this and it seems to get me every time. I question my own worth during these time. Have I really tried, have I been too harsh, stuff like that. The fact is I am not interested in taking care of her. My real problem is that I can't stand the feelings of panic and worry that happen each time. She has major depression, diabetes, is overweight, has many other health issues and has not had a good work record, plus her credit history is really bad so no apartments want to rent to her. I hear you about taking care of myself, I think that the grief of this is overwhelming and even when I do take care of me, as I should, it has caused me to become sad, as thought I am grieving for a death that hasn't happened. My oldest son passed away at age 25 from a truck train collision and that was hard, but it was over quick and the healing even though it goes on forever, does get better. The type of prolonged misery my daughter has just doesn't go away and it keeps rearing up, causing me to have to relive this all the time. I am new to this forum and do understand that I need to detach. Where is the line between detach and totally walk away from her?

 

[Weary Mother]

Well, today I do feel better. I read over and over the several responses I have on my conversation regarding my daughter, taking care to try to absorb this. It is just unnatural to not help your own children and goes against all instincts. Under normal conditions I am willing to help out, if there is a temporary problem or someone needs a ride. These things have turned into long terms chronic life issues that I am not able and don't know how to manage.

But, I do realize that they are not children, they are grown people who haven't managed their own lives. It is so hard to detach and let them handle being homeless or suffer in jail or worse, possibly suffer illness or death from the decisions they make. I will continue to be resolved to detach and refuse to be drawn into the drama, but it just wears me out and drains me emotionally.

I do need the support of this group and thank anyone who has any advise or comments. I think it is hard to change the way of thinking from wanting to rescue to hands off and let matters resolve themselves.

 

[RN0441]

Jodie:

It is all hard on us as parents. Mom's especially. We have to relearn what is inborn in us.

I think at her age though you are not truly helping her by not letting her sort things out on her own.

My son is 20 and we're doing that now but he has an addiction issue so it is different but in some ways it isn't.

Somewhere on here there is a story about a butterfly that I just love. Maybe someone can help us find it so you can read it.

I could use it again myself right now....

 

[Weary Mother]

Hello RNO441:
Thanks for your input. It really is hard on mothers. The story of my daughter includes addictions, both prescription drugs that were given for chronic health issues, and street drugs. She has never thrived, although when she was your son's age she had promise. At that age she mismanaged money, made bad friends, was openly defiant and hostile to anyone who challenged her and partied her life away. She was cute, small and smart. Over the years and after much mismanaging, bad friend, terrible boyfriends and a mentally disabled daughter that was in and out of the state and community hospitals causing my daughter to lose jobs and become dependent upon welfare, she is now 46, overweight, no longer cute, and has no support system. I keep thinking that if I try hard enough to instill inspiration in her, she can get a fresh start. She complains that due to her health she has a hard time being on her feet long enough to keep a job, has filed for disability and is waiting on a decision, which I am sure will be denial, and in the mean time is homeless due to long term dependency on her older daughter whom she just had a terrible fight with resulting in her being thrown out. Part of her health issues include severe depression, past suicide attempts which landed her in the hospital nearly dead and a refusal to get counseling and will only do so in order to obtain the prescription medications they give her. I just appreciate input here and will continue to read and look for truly supportive posts. I really do want to help her, but am blocked by her refusal to help herself, she does not see her problems like others do and feels that all is over for her, there is nothing for her to live for any longer.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Jodie,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you are not alone.

My advice to you is to step back from both your daughter and grand daughter. I'm glad you realize that enabling helps no one and it's time for you to stop. Yes, when we stop enabling our adult difficult children will ramp it up with all kinds of threats including suicide. If that threat is made I urge you to contact the police and tell them and let them deal with it.
You have not control over what your daughter will choose to do. The only control you have is how you will respond.

Please don't buy into any of the guilt that they are trying to lay on you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. From what you shared you have gone way beyond what you should have. It's time for you to take your life back.

We raise our children as best we can. They are adults now and it's up to them how they will live their life.

((HUGS)) to you.....................

 

[Albatross]

I just put her on a train to return to Missouri, to stay with a lady that offered her help, she had lived there briefly for a while. On the way, the lady backed out. So now she is throwing guilt trips on me about having no places to live

Hello! I just did the exact same thing for my son (except it was a bus to Indiana) and got the same predictable response. One good deed deserves being hounded for more indefinitely, in the eyes of our difficult children.

Staying out of it is best, JH, as I am sure you already know.

This stuff can zap the crap out of people even when they are doing the right things.

I love this. It sure can. It's so hard...incredibly hard...but not as hard as being caught up in the tempest of their infinite demands and drama.

Hang in there, JH. Tomorrow is another day, and it will get better. You deserve *at least* the peace that comes with grownups being responsible for themselves.

 

[Weary Mother]

Ablatross and Tanya M,
This forum is so helpful. You both have helped a lot. I really am trying to mind my own business, or myob, as I know it to be. How hard this is.

 

[Tanya M]

How hard this is.

Sounds so simple when we say the words but acting on them can be difficult. One thing that really helped me was to accept that the life I wanted for my son was not the life he wanted. No matter how messed up his life is, it's his choice. Of course he wants to blame me for everything that is wrong with his life but I do not possess that kind of power. I have no control over his choices.

Our d-c's do not want to listen and learn from us, they want to live their lives on their terms, that is until something goes wrong and they need help then they turn to us and of course want to dictate to us how we are to help them and even then they will find fault with it.

I guess it just comes down to each of us getting so sick and tired of dealing with their chaos that we say enough is enough.

 

[Ylowbutterfly]

Sounds so simple when we say the words but acting on them can be difficult. One thing that really helped me was to accept that the life I wanted for my son was not the life he wanted. No matter how messed up his life is, it's his choice. Of course he wants to blame me for everything that is wrong with his life but I do not possess that kind of power. I have no control over his choices.

Our d-c's do not want to listen and learn from us, they want to live their lives on their terms, that is until something goes wrong and they need help then they turn to us and of course want to dictate to us how we are to help them and even then they will find fault with it.

I guess it just comes down to each of us getting so sick and tired of dealing with their chaos that we say enough is enough.

Well said, my daughter's logic for being homeless makes no sense, but when she needs a ride or help it is on her terms. I am having a hard time preventing myself from getting pulled into her self made chaos.

 

[Time To Let Go!]

I could use some positive words right now. My heart is aching as if my 24 year old little girl actually died. There's nothing worse than having to choose over your children. But today, after an exhausting 14 years of giving everything humanly possible and getting nothing back but deceit, theft, drug abuse, money for therapists, doctors and lawyers as well as serious legal threats and physical altercations, long term disappearances and personal guilt....I believe I finally let her go. I would probably have continued getting abused, but I have my two wonderful sons to think about. Two boys who painfully watched our lives turned upside down by their sister and have been waiting way to long for this day for peace. Funny how an 18 and 20 year old could see so much I was blind to. In hindsight, chose to be blind to. Worse yet, I always rose to her defense, scolding them for not treating her right. I knew I finally did the right thing, when I literally watched two young men exhale, as if I just cured them from disease! Still, does the pain ever go away. Do you ever really give up hope? Can you ever be sure you'll stay strong in you're decision and stop feeling guilt. Do you ever stop thinking there may have been that one last thing you should have tried? Anyone want to tell me it gets better? Because right now, I feel and fear I may never recover!

 

[karisma]

Hi there. I'm sorry you had to do such a painful and unnatural thing. I agree, it hurts nearly as much as if they had died. I'm glad you know you did the right thing. There are others on this wonderful, sanity preserving board who will come along and reply with great advice and comforting words, probably in the morning. I'm up super late and want you to know you are not alone. We all share the same soul- murdering agony of adult child who is mentally ill or a drug addict or both. I stay up every night reading this board and crying my heart out over my homeless mentally ill son. It's something I need to do. I don't know if the pain will ever go away. It's just become a part of my life. But that's just me. I know that others here are living with more detachment than I am. It's a long and nearly unbearble journey. I feel happy that your two sons are so relieved. That is wonderful. Hugs to you and welcome.

 

[Weary Mother]

Hi there time to let go! I feel for you. I also feel that I have a broken heard as if my child died. I think I finally understand the need and purpose of letting go, but it is a daily commitment. Sometimes a minute by minute one because I am strong one minute and then a crises comes up and I am thrown into an emergency that just seems to happen all at once, blindsiding me. I do see that loving them but letting them go and allowing the course of things to resolve can serve a purpose. If my daughter had cancer or an illness which was life threatening, she would get help, and I would be by her side. But in this case, the help she wants is always on her terms and she doesn't recognize the cancer that is eating her life away. So I am forced to stay out of it when in fact I would love to be able to help her if the help actually helped. But any help I give so far has not resulted in a stable life. So, I detach, cry and hope.

 

[RN0441]

I remember reading on here that when WE suffer, it does NOT help our child. It does NOT help us.

I try to remember that because sometimes I punish myself for what HE does. It does not help anyone.

Please try to keep that in mind too.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi JH, So sorry for your need to be here, but I am glad you found this soft place to land. My daughter (36) is also homeless, her choice. Meth holds a stronger grip on her than the stability of a job and a roof over her head. It is as simple and as complicated as that.
I also have drama infused into my life with another adult child (26) and her SO and three kids.
It has been a long, long haul and I am working on staying out of the chaos they call life. It is way too much for me to deal with and attempts to " help" have left us caught up in the
.
Anything we did was never enough, and they seem to feel that we should be miserable right along with them. They have this selfish sense of entitlement, and don't care how their choices affect the family.
Not having it.
Their choices belong to them and I am tired of their Jerry Springer world.
If only there was a remote control where we could change their channel and redirect all the negative energy to something positive, but that is a fantasy. The reality that I can't control their choices and lifestyles forces ME to change gears towards distancing my emotions and reaction to the consequences of their actions. It takes work. But, with the recent loss of my dear hubs, there is this constant reminder that life is so short and I do not want to spend the rest of my life despairing over these adult children and my beloved hooligan grands.
So, I work at building a safe place for me to be. I can love them, but not be so caught up in their crazy. One would think the passing of their dad would be a wake up call, nope, a sort of moratorium from the drama, double nope, an understanding that I am dealing with the grief of losing my mate and need peace, infinity NOPE!
"He was our dad and we lost him too!" Like that is an excuse for spiraling more into the madness.
Ugh.
I can't put my life on hold waiting for them to grab the blessings life offers them.
Done.

Our d-c's do not want to listen and learn from us, they want to live their lives on their terms, that is until something goes wrong and they need help then they turn to us and of course want to dictate to us how we are to help them and even then they will find fault with it.

So true. Not having it. They can call me whatever they want. Callous, uncaring, blah, blah, blah. Not true. The problem is I care too much. I wonder if they will ever know the heartache of it all.
I will continue to work on loving detachment so that I can have peace. I hope you do, too. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. The only change I can make happen is how I live my life.
I am so very sorry for the pain of this.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Tanya M]

My heart is aching as if my 24 year old little girl actually died.

I found for myself that I needed to go through the grieving process. While my son did not die a physical death, the son that I knew, the sweet little boy, the one I had so many hope and dreams for no longer exists.
It broke my heart to come to this realization but grieving for the loss of all that I hoped for him was very healthy for me. It helped me to finally accept my so for who he is and how he chooses to live his life. This does not mean that I like how he is but I accept it.
I think every parent has dreams for how they hope their child will turn out. One may hope that their child becomes a Dr. but is not disappointed when their child graduates from college and goes on to have a successful career. It's different for us with difficult children. My son didn't graduate from high school let alone college and he has recently posted that he finally found the job of his dreams, he's a pot farmer in Calif. I don't like it, but I accept it. I hope that he's finally found some happiness.

None of this is easy for us but I do know that I had to move on and start living my own life for myself. Life is too short to waist it on worrying about our adult children, all the worrying in the world will not change them.