Homeless son, 26, how do I cope with this?

[BusynMember]

We do, but our kids are pretty uninvolved. Also, we tend to be more conservative and treehuggers are seen as "whackos" here in most circles. Personally, I love nature and would count as a treehugger.

The difference is cultures is fascinating to me. At least your son stands for something. Most of our societal dropouts are simply drug addicts or the very mentally ill that refuse treatment. Rarely do they gather to demonstrate for a cause.

The only time in my sixty years I recall youngters being involved in anything political or idealistic was when we had the draft during VietNam. And a lot of that had to do with the fact that it was their heads on the line. Since then...well, we had a very mild form of Occupy Wall street that was not really pervasive beyond a few big cities and it shut down fast.

 

[nlj]

Thanks Echolette
Yes, that sounds just like my son, all those things you've described, getting angry about issues that he doesn't really 'get', hanging out with a load of other smelly drop-outs, not having to work or take responsibility for anything, getting cross with people (I mean me) if they question how he is living or don't agree with some of his extreme views.

Your description of how your son felt that he belonged is spot-on. That's exactly how my son is - he doesn't feel that he fits in anywhere, he doesn't WANT to fit in. He can't even be with his own family without getting wound up and wanting to go off and be alone. I think that when this community inevitably falls apart, he will just take off who knows where.

I've just read your latest post about your son. So sorry. x

 

[nlj]

He's always enjoyed getting angry about things - as a student he was always going off to some march or demonstration with his loudhailer. We didn't have Vietnam, but I think some youngsters here NEED a cause to get angry about. It's not all of them though, we have loads and loads of addicts and layabouts who don't care about anything. Apathy is rife in the UK. My son's the extreme opposite though, and that's not healthy either.

 

[Echolette]

Lucy,
he didn't get better. He has continued to slowly get worse. I did get better. Now I"m working on what some of the other threads talk about...not judging him. Unlike a lot of the other difficult children, he doesn't ask me for much (when he does its big!). We have contributed essentially nothing to his support for 2 years now. He is on his dad's health insurance, but that is normal here. I paid for him to take his GED, which amazingly he actually took and passed (that is a high school equivalency diploma...he dropped out of high school towards the end of his junior year). He is kind of proud of how little he asks for from us. So I don'thave that anger or fight in me, but I despise his begging, his drain on society, his manipulativeness, his selfishness. I liked him better when he was at Occupy! but that was because I allowed myself to believe that he might believe in something...that of course was not true.
So no, he didn't get better. He was even more lost after Occupy disbanded. His most recent community was a homeless encampment under a bridge down by the river where I go running...that lasted a few months and looked to have a good 50 people there, with lounge chairs picked from the trash, sleeping bags, cardboard boxes, etc. That was busted up by the cops during his last stint in jail in December.
He likes those places. That is an incredibly hard thing for me to wrap my mind around. IN a way, though, if he is happy....that is better for me than if he is miserable. I think.

 

[SuZir]

Around here North eco-warrior types (though we don't call them that) are more often for animal rights, against consumerism and for everything right and beautiful. Not so much about land usage around here, because we have plenty of land (and few people.) Usually vegan, often very militant about animal rights (even eco terrorist or sympathisers) and very much against unnecessary consumption. Have to say that often they have a point. I'm just too old and lazy to live up those ideals.

Of course not all kids are for that, many want all nice stuff. Even more so kids do somewhat believe to those ideals but still want all cool stuff But anyhow, around here, and I think in most parts of Western Europe, my generation and bit older (born in sixties and early seventies) were the materialistic one. Our kids are more idealistic again.

My easy child is certainly type that has those ideals but isn't ready to give up personal comfort to live according them. difficult child is teetering the line. His passion for sports and influence from that world tends to keep him in more materialistic side, but he is certainly feeling a pull.

History has shown us, that those kids who go these even extreme ideologies without mental health issues tend to pull through in better shape from other side and often go far in their lives. Those with mental health or serious substance abuse issues tend to get stuck or even drop from that ideologue movement and just end up marginalised even more. Around here one typical outcome is also end up living in very old fashioned farms with very little, but stii having a good life (of course many do get tired of not having inside toilet etc. and end up getting middle classed anyway.) And that of course is a good outcome. People don't need to be middle class to be happy and have a fulfilling life.

 

[nlj]

Yes that's true, people don't need to be middle-class to have a happy and fulfilling life, in fact I'm sure many middle-class people have the opposite. My son says everyone judges him by their own standards and that, if they're disgusted that he hasn't taken a shower for a month or more and doesn't have a toilet, than that's their problem. But he finds it really annoying that people judge him and doesn't seem to have any empathy with their attitude. He thinks that everyone should understand what he wants to do and why he wants to do it and he gets very angry if challenged about it. That makes me think that he is not really secure himself about what he is doing and how he is living. If he really believed in all this eco-warrior stuff and fighting for a cause etc, then he would be far more 'together' about explaining and defending his choices.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

difficult child daughter was homeless on the streets through the worst of a brutally cold Minnesota winter and into July in 2013. She chose not to come home. Among the many skills she learned during that time was panhandling. (That is what the street people call it. The money would be for booze. The street people would gather at a certain park once they had something to drink, and they would share, because that way, others would share with them when they had none. Besides, who could drink a quart?) difficult child daughter said it was almost like a job. The panhandling part, I mean. She has moved on from there, in a way. But just the other day, she told me she was panhandling. She asked a woman for a quarter. The woman was going to give it to her. The man she was with reached over, covered the woman's hand, and said, "Don't encourage beggars, dear."

difficult child daughter was so offended to have been considered a beggar.

She had never seen her actions in that light, before.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

How enlightening that your daughter, Cedar, was offended to be considered a beggar! How DO they see it?? could she explain any further? My son is proud of how effectively he begs...he once told one of my younger boys that he "earns" about 75 dollars a day begging. He said his girlfriend doesn't beg because she isn't as good at it. In the past he has done some busking (sadly he is a loud but not very good musician), and he has sold those newspapers written by and benefitting the homeless. (he has also washed dishes in restaurants, and done a lot of bicycle delivery of take out food, mostly on stolen bicycles) Mostly he lives off his social security (I think he still gets that, but maybe not...He never likes to let me know he has failed at something, so he would avoid telling me) and his begging. Or his "earnings" as he would say.
Once he stopped by the house when his brothers and I were watching Walking Dead (they talked me into it and now I am enthralled...I said "sorry, not into zombies, boys." to which one of them replied.."it isn't about zombies, mom. Its about the monster in all of us". So I started watching, mostly to have something to share with them...and you know what...they were right!!!). I said to difficult child..you know, in the event of an apocalypse (or an oil spill, or a flood, or a hurricane)---you would not be included when the going gets rough. Because you bring nothing..no talents, no skills, no commitment. We wouldn't be able to justify feeding and caring for you in a world of limited resources. I said...I liked you better when you were volunteering at Food Not Bombs. He said "I liked me better then too"
He was upset.
Later his girlfriend told me that had a big impact on him.
Not so big, apparently, because that was six months ago (said girlfriend long gone, though...being with her was why he moved out of my house at 10 pm one night...good to sell out your family for your sleazy transient friends, yes???) but I digress.
Overall, Lucy, I probably wouldn't argue with him about eco-warrior stuff. You aren't going to convince him. You know, of course, that there is NOTHING you can say that is going to suddenly make him say...you are so right!!!!! this IS silly! it is NOT really a cause or a passion for me, even though it is for others....
He won't say that.
So give it up. YOu are wasting your breath. Use your breath to heal yourself. Use it to find compassion for him without enabling. Try and let him go.

 

[recoveringenabler]

"difficult child daughter was so offended to have been considered a beggar.

She had never seen her actions in that light, before."

Oh my. Oh my. I'm with Echo, did you ask her how she did perceive it? I am totally interested in how she would respond to that question, just to know how her mind is clicking in. Wow.

I've heard my daughter say similar things...........I believe it is some misfiring of the brain that doesn't allow her to see herself in any kind of light of reality............I saw that in my brother and my Dad too.......it's like a disconnect when one looks in the internal mirror...........what they see is not what we see. That is the one thing that really helps me with judgment............I don't know what goes on inside their brains that skewers thinking in such a fashion that it appears warped to us, but to them it is reality. If what the Buddhist say about reality being an illusion is true, then whose illusion is real?

Just food for thought..........even though I (usually) can see and not judge my difficult child's reality, it is clearly a reality I cannot be a part of, that is the choice I have to make for me...........but I can still ponder and be fascinated by what it is that she and your daughter actually, really see and believe to be reality.

 

[nlj]

Just a quick update.

I had a text and photo message from my son this morning. Massive beard! He looks like Sam Beam of Iron and Wine now (if any of you know that singer) haha. Sent me lots of love as usual. Says they are refusing to leave the farm squat and will wait and see if they are forcibly evicted. I went out for a pot of tea alone in a local cafe and just had a quiet think about the situation. I'm sad but getting more detached I suppose. He's alive and seems well anyway, says he's been reading and meditating a lot.

Best wishes to everyone, I'm so much more 'together' since I've found this site. I've been reading my way through recent and old threads.

I often feel guilty for having brought children into this world. When I think about it, it's quite a selfish thing to have a child and I never thought about the possible outcomes or struggles when I was looking at parenthood through rose-tinted glasses. Gurgling babies and happy families - that's the image that's sold isn't it? It's tough though in reality.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks for the update. Well, he's safe. I'm glad you're feeling better............a nice pot of tea is always a plus too!

Well Lucy, we all do the best we can.............your son is teaching you how to detach with love...........I'm sure your other children bring you joy..........it is a tad tougher in reality..............but this is where we are.........so let's enjoy the ride, shall we? I'm in! Wishing you more and more peace and laughter.............hugs............

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I love the idea of treating ourselves to a pot of tea in a little bistro somewhere while thinking. I began reading Pema Chodron. One of the first things she stresses is that we begin to heal by treating ourselves nicely.

Thank you Recovering, for the suggestion to read her. :O)

That was my New Year's resolution, actually. Just to be a little nicer to myself. It is good to be reminded of that.

I think that way too sometimes, Lucy. About bringing children into the world, I mean. But then, when I think of how intricately everything ~ every single thing ~ fits together regarding our lives and what we learn and who we learn those lessons with...I am so grateful to have brought children into the world, and to have been here, myself.

Your son is living this time in his life as he chooses to, Lucy. There is an incredible freedom in being able to do what he is doing. Like everything, that choice has its cost. He will have his times of doubt and regret, like we all do about the choices we've made. The problem for the parent is that we cannot be required to sacrifice our lives, our time and joy and curious exploration, for the sake of theirs for all of our lives. It is so hard when they have no money, when they get into trouble, when they have no medical insurance, no job, no food. How long do we put our lives on hold to help them live theirs? When they fall behind their peers, when they lose self respect because, as adults, they are taking and taking from us, when they begin to hate us for it because we are pretty much the only decent people who have anything to do with them anymore, then what do we do?

I don't know, either.

Cedar

 

[luludean]

I have two sons living in the streets. It is so hard. They would rather do drugs, and not earn a living. My oldest son, 23, has a daughter who is five that he hasn't seen in over two years, nor has he ever sent money to her or her mom. My husband and I had to let go. It wasn't changing. We were enabling them and it was sucking the life out of us. Now we have one son still at home that we can focus on. He still needs us. I don't sleep well. And I think the same things -are they warm? Have they eaten? God, be with our children. And us parents who hurt for them every single day.


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[nlj]

Hello Luludean
Thinking of you and sending a hug.
It is so hard to sleep, even when I am really trying to detach. It's the nights that affect me most as I seem to be able to think far more positively, and just get on with things, during the day.
The added complication of a granddaughter must be so difficult to accept. Do you see her or have any contact with her?

 

[Childofmine]

Welcome lulu, and I am glad you have found this group and site. There is strength in numbers! We can help each other as we KNOW the drill.

I am so sorry that you have two sons on the streets. My son will be right there again tomorrow---he gets out of jail again tonight with nowhere to go.

Drugs are a 40-foot-tall monster that mows down everything in its path, including us, if we let it. We are powerless against the monster, as you have found. We are powerless about the choices of other people---our precious sons---and also anybody else in the world. We are powerless about all people, places and things. But we are not helpless. There are so many tools available to us (just like our sons) to help us live a better, happier, more serene and more peaceful live, even as. Even as.

As you have found, we must turn (I actually visualize myself turning my body in another direction, and walking that way) and go in a new direction.

That is also what our sons must do if they want to change. My son doesn't want to change either. So far. I will always have hope as he ages a bit, tastes reality even more like he is living, and realize I have changed---there is no help from me anymore---so he must now help himself. Then, maybe, with the grace of God, he will begin to change.

I haven't lost hope but I am so much more realistic today than even yesterday.

Hang in there lulu. It is sad. It is scary. It is hard to live like this, as parents, with those we love in danger. We do just have to let go.

We are here for you. We get it. Blessings and peace and hope and prayers for you and your precious sons (all three of them!) and your husband today.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We are powerless about all people, places and things. But we are not helpless.

I like this very much, Child.

Lucy, I hope last night was better for you.

Luludean, welcome to the site.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

(I actually visualize myself turning my body in another direction, and walking that way

I have visuals like that too, Child. I picture myself turning away and lifting my face to the sun.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Lucy, sending prayers and good thoughts for you........

Lulu, if it feels right to you, start your own thread and then folks can respond to you. I'm sorry your sons are "out there" it is devastating for us parents. Sending you prayers and good thoughts as well........

 

[luludean]

Recovering and cedar, I appreciate your comments, I am so glad I found this site. I am slow, I've never done this before, how do I create my own thread. Lucy I am sorry I took space off yours!!!



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[recoveringenabler]

Lulu, look at the top of this page where it says, Parent Emeritus and click on that. That will take you to another window. On that window, look at the upper right where it says, start a new thread. Click on that. You will get a window like these where you will write in a heading and then the text. Once you write it, click on the bottom so it posts.

When you are ready go to the top right corner and click on your screen name. That will bring up a window where you can write your signature, that blurb at the bottom of all our posts which identifies us (anonymously) so that the rest of us can recall your story without having to go back and re read your posts so we can remember who you are.............there are quite a few of us, and my memory at least isn't that good anymore.................I'm glad you're here.............

No need to apologize for something you didn't know..............