Honeymoon Crisis Rescue

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DoneDad, Mar 11, 2019.

  1. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Honeymoon Crisis Rescue - Rinse Repeat is daughter’s pattern we’ve been stuck in for the past 10 years. We’re now supposed to kick in to rescue mode. Boyfriend is abusive (shocker!). This is the seventh or eight one.

    My ride on the crazy train is officially OVER. Wife rode to the rescue yesterday. I said no thanks. And don’t bring her here.

    Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Constantly rescuing her isn’t helping her, and it definitely isn’t helping us. It just enables her to keep doing the same thing, over and over. While we pay for the consequences of her idiotic choices. No thank you.

    She came over on Saturday supposedly to visit grandson (her son who we are raising). Spent the whole time on her phone ignoring him. He was really upset. He’s just now getting over it. I told wife future visits can be at the park or at a restaurant.

    Next day (Sunday) was a giant crisis where we’re supposed to go get her. Nope. Not me. Wife went. I can only control myself. But I made it clear she can’t come here. I don’t want grandson to be affected by her BS. And I don’t want it in my space.
     
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Winner Winner x 5
    • List
  2. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Sounds like my son's relationship patterns, only it seems like your daughter goes in and out of bad relationships while my son just goes back and forth with his partner, especially when he was living in Chicago, which is where the partner still lives. They fight, break up, make up, as you said, rinse, repeat, as frequently as most people change their bed linens. And each time "it will be different this time". But it never is. Years ago he reminded me of that definition of insanity over something I was doing or saying...can't remember now what it was. But when I mentioned it to him about his roller coaster relationship with his partner, he got offended. Go figure.

    Hang in there, Dad. Stand strong, you got this. I wish your wife could see where you are coming from and get on board with you about stopping the rescuing and enabling. I think you're doing the right thing.
     
  3. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Dad, this hurt. It's almost seems like abusing lil grandson's heart. I think your idea for future visits in a park or restaurant is a good one, for his protection.
    Your strong stand could be the pivot point ! :cloudy-little:
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bravo! I support your position. And I know how hard won it has been.

    My daughter would do the same kind of thing........have a crisis, drag me into it, come to our home and walk right by her own daughter as if she wasn't there.......I'm sorry DoneDad, I know this stuff is hard......I believe you're doing the right thing.

    Whenever your wife goes to rescue, do something kind and nourishing for yourself and your grandson. You deserve to have a peaceful, safe, calm home.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Good for you for putting your grandson and yourself first. You're 100% right- all the rescues don't make a difference. She has to rescue herself to truly change her life. Sending positive energy to you and your dear grandson. I know it's a rough life sometimes dealing with these adult kids.
     
  6. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Oh DoneDad, I know this drama well. It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch my grandson's face--the hurt and wounding--that happens when he calls his mother to see if she can see my grandson and sister (who we are raising also), and she has excuses why she can't see them yet again. I've finally started detaching from my daughter, also. Cutting off monetary support (she was buying drugs and partying with it). I know she misses her kids, but not enough to stop with the bad guys (this latest one is jail finally). I get that she's emotionally unwell but my bandwidth is full--with her children, one of whom is why I'm on this forum. She's 42 and her life is a result of her choices, not mine. It breaks my heart, though, and I miss the daughter that I used to have more than I can say.
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good for you for standing your ground! I know this can't be easy when you say no and your wife says yes. It is my hope and prayer that your wife will come to see that her helping isn't helping.
    I'm so very sorry you are having to go through this and also for your little grandson.
     
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Good for you, Done Dad! I agree with you 100% and think you are showing a lot of courage, wisdom and love for that little boy.

    It breaks my heart to think of your grandson wondering what's wrong with HIM to make Mommy ignore him that way. I'm so very happy for him, that he has you in his corner to show him it's NOT him, and it's NOT OK for anyone to treat him that way!