I'm just afraid that if I stop trying, he will go down the tube and either be dead or in jail.
Many of us are like this. We have the fantasy that by our thinking we can control what happens. Your terrified thoughts about the future, which if you think about it, are inventions--are not real. I'm not thinking of the correct word right now, but in a way this is a kind of symbolic child sacrifice. In your thoughts, you show your willingness to let him go. But this is only symbolic. You hope through your thoughts, to protect him from real harm. To protect yourself from real loss. If I do it to myself, I can make it so that you don't do it to me.
I am sorry to be so blunt. I think we feel if we keep over and over again symbolically sacrifice our child in our thoughts, we are kind of paying the piper....and in reality....this bad thing will not happen. We can keep real threat at bay.
Of course, this is irrational. We can't through raising the possibility of bad things, his being in danger, never seeing him, etc. protect us and them. So not only is it futile, it's hurtful.
Reality does not yet exist. We can only imagine a tiny portion of the future. Maybe half dozen horrible possibilities, of trillions and trillions, even infinite possibilities, nearly all of which could be better.
Can you explain? He did accept staying at her house, but he made little to no attempt to have a relationship
Look. Nearly all of these adult kids on this forum are having a hard time growing up, and a large part of this centers in their capacity to detach from us in healthy ways. We become objects to them to heap on us their own suffering, rage, confusion, frustration, ambivalence, helplessness, impotence. In psychology this is called displacement or projection. These are ego defense mechanisms. All of us do some form of this. To help us cope.
Josh, like my son, has very difficult circumstances (early and present) to assimilate and deal with. Adoption. Race. Abandonment by birth parents. Mental illness. It seems as if he has identified you as the person on which to displace all of his negative feelings. This does not make it true. This is a functional behavior for him. He does it to help him function. Is it a good way to function? Is it healthy? Is it kind? No. But it's helping him get through each day. To survive.
He related to your sister...in this way. He used what she had to offer, but his interest was not to relate. It was to survive. He does not have resources to do more right now. All of his capacity and energy he uses up just surviving. You seem to be asking for more than he has to give right now. And this makes his rage bigger.
He does not feel what he says to you, how he treats you, deep down. But he's not living "deep down."
It's like I put in my thread how I told my son,
I never want to see you ever again. I was Josh, right then. I was maxed out. I just wanted the pain to go away.
This is Josh's way to deal with his pain. We can pray for him and for me, and for all of us, that we will find more loving and stronger ways to deal with our suffering.
