When our daughter fell, a part of it was that she had been prescribed an antidepressant which should not be given to those prone to mania. I have a PTSD block over the name of that medication. Was it Celebrex? In any event, research indicates that a certain percentage of those taking whatever the medication was will crash into mania.
Then as the child's grandmother, you need to protect the child from his father until the father is well again. If the child is safely away, you could send money or clothes or cards or anything at all to the child through the mail, so he will know he has a grandmother out there in the world who loves and wishes him well.
That doesn't seem like an important thing. But knowing there is someone out there in the world who loves us, just for who we are, can make a difference for the child, all of his life.
I do.
Our daughter has four children.
Our son has two.
I think it will help you to make your home very safe. An alarm system? The truth is that we
don't know what the kids are capable of, when drug use is involved. Your son sounds like a kind, generous man. You raised him well. I don't know why these things happened to your family or to my family, either. But I do know that if we can look at our situations head on, then we stand a better chance of making sense of things.
Safety for the innocent child is a priority. Safety, physical safety, for yourself is a priority.
The other questions can be addressed, over time.
You have time.
That was a key piece in my ability to take a step back and gain perspective on what was happening to all of us. Another key piece for me was to realize that neither of my children had been raised to do what they were doing.
They were in trouble, too.
This is not who they wanted to be, either.
When I realized that, I could back off, a little bit. I did not have to fix it for them, because I could get it, could understand, that I did not know how to help either them or myself. So taking time was the right thing to do.
Just a little time.
Then, I could come at the situation from a changed perspective. With that changed perspective, I could see what had helped either them or me, and what hadn't. I describe it as having made a cold-eyed decision to survive.
That was my first step toward recovering myself, I think.
I wasn't leaping into it with them; I stopped believing I knew how to change this for them.
I gave that back to them.
And it happened that, when I did that, they took the reins of their own lives back. It was not a miraculous healing or an immediate change. It took time for them to learn to believe in themselves.
It took time for me to accept that it was a correct thing, for them to no longer believe in me. But the truth is that, like the kids themselves, I didn't know what to do anymore, either.
I began saying, even to myself, that they were strong enough, that they were bright enough, to make it through this thing that had happened to all of us. (And maybe, looking back on it now, what I believed about my children was the most crucial belief system to change.)
The words I said to them were: I'm sorry this is happening. You can do this. I don't know. NO MONEY. NO YOU CANNOT MOVE HOME. You can do this. I want to see you become the man your father and I raised you to be. Everything was very different with our daughter. She felt worse than we did about what was happening to her. But she could be every bit as manipulative as our son. The things I could say were the same, to both kids. Really, there is nothing else
to say.
They have to be strong enough. And the only way to develop a strength you can trust is to do it, yourself.
So, that is what I hung on to. When I had to say no, when I turned away from them, that is what I hung on to. That they could do this.
It was a very hard thing.
But I loved them enough to do it, and I learned to love myself enough to survive not being what I believed with all my heart was a good mom.
And we are getting through it.
My children have done that, too. The only thing I can figure out about that is that they need others to believe they would be better people if they had been raised well. That is so hard, for the parent to hear. It is hard for us to know others believe we were not decent people to our children in our homes, once the doors were closed. (My mother said this to me, once. Both kids were in such terrible trouble, D H and I were barely sustaining our marriage, and my mother said: "I remember when your kids were little. We would come for dinner and you would all stand at the door, waving goodbye when we left. And your father and I would say, "What a perfect family ~ and that just goes to show that you never know what life is really like, once the doors close."
And I believed her, of course.
But I so desperately didn't know where or how everything had gone so wrong.
So, that was not helpful. What it taught me was this: Unless someone can give you specifics
don't listen to what they say.
There are those in our lives who will use our vulnerabilities to hurt us.
Decide to survive it. If they can tell you something specific, then that is a thing to consider. Global condemnation? That tells you only who they are. It gives you nothing you can use to help your family heal and so, can be safely disregarded.
We have enough on our plates trying to figure out how to survive what is happening, to us and to our families.
"Does he have any control at all?"
For your sake, believe he does not. Not right now. Take immediate steps to make yourself safe. If that means moving to an apartment complex, if that means asking the police to check on your house and on you nightly ~ whatever that means, then please take those steps.
Is your grandchild physically safe?
It is really awful that these things are happening to you, and to your son and grandchild. I have been where you are, and I am so sorry that is where you are, too. But you are here with us, now.
You are not alone with the hurt of it anymore, with the crazy confusion of it.
I am so glad you found us.
I am just a mom too, but I believe drug use ~ maybe even prescription medications ~ somehow affects our ability to feel empathy.
I agree.
For all of your sakes, but for your son's own sake, too. When he is better (if he gets better) knowing he hurt or maimed someone he loves while he was ill will be something impossible for him to forgive himself for.
True.
A diagnosis can help us understand what is happening to someone we love. We can understand better how to protect ourselves, and even our person through a diagnosis. But if your son is prone to bipolar episodes
he is the one who needs to respond correctly to his challenge.
We cannot do that for them. Trying to help, trying to do the right thing, turns into the ugliness of enabling.
Helping isn't helping.
And that is a hard lesson to learn.
True.
Blaming is a dead giveaway. If we refuse to take responsibility to the degree we are able, we cannot change our situations.
Our son did not do this, but our daughter did. When we brought her to the first facility, they told us the music appealed to her because she was upset.
Which led directly to what might be wrong at home.
They told us the music was a symptom, and not to take it away.
Grrr.....
That was something like twenty eight years ago.
Things have changed, I think.
Again. Unless someone can tell you, specifically, why and how their observations are valid, disregard their opinions.
Even professionals can be very wrong.
I need to begin doing this again, for myself.
Very important, to do these good things for ourselves.
On the fridge it goes. Naming my situation helps me stand up.
Very nicely phrased, Copa.
This will help me.
Cedar
