You're right, she is a spoiled brat and I'm to blame for that.
No. You are not to blame for who your child chooses to be. There is a difference between a generously entitled child and a hateful one.
You will need to walk a fine line with this child and the power this grand will give her over you, I think.
Or that is not how you talk and act toward your mom. He is just the fun guy. Who makes all the jokes and he is the one who hangs with them and tells stories of his past and makes his mistakes now a funny thing. I feel he has already sabotaged my relationship with my older daughter. And I can't even say anything or try to talk to him because he turns it around with hostile words that it's my fault. I'm so desperate.
Welcome to the site, Ejr. I am sorry this is happening. You are here with us now, and particulars about what is happening in your family will clarify over time. I think the older daughter knows her father does not take her seriously, so she deals with him differently because he will turn away and she knows that. I think she knows she is hurting you and believes she can hurt you with impunity because you sincerely love her and would never turn away.
Your husband did not turn her, Ejr. Your daughter is not a very nice woman.
Is there a history of this pattern in your family? It could be that daughter has a genetically mandated personality disorder.
Do you see this pattern of behavior in earlier generations, or in other branches of either side of the family?