How do I deal with an ungreatful, moody adult daughter?

[Scent of Cedar *]

You're right, she is a spoiled brat and I'm to blame for that.

No. You are not to blame for who your child chooses to be. There is a difference between a generously entitled child and a hateful one.

You will need to walk a fine line with this child and the power this grand will give her over you, I think.

Or that is not how you talk and act toward your mom. He is just the fun guy. Who makes all the jokes and he is the one who hangs with them and tells stories of his past and makes his mistakes now a funny thing. I feel he has already sabotaged my relationship with my older daughter. And I can't even say anything or try to talk to him because he turns it around with hostile words that it's my fault. I'm so desperate.

Welcome to the site, Ejr. I am sorry this is happening. You are here with us now, and particulars about what is happening in your family will clarify over time. I think the older daughter knows her father does not take her seriously, so she deals with him differently because he will turn away and she knows that. I think she knows she is hurting you and believes she can hurt you with impunity because you sincerely love her and would never turn away.

Your husband did not turn her, Ejr. Your daughter is not a very nice woman.

Is there a history of this pattern in your family? It could be that daughter has a genetically mandated personality disorder.

Do you see this pattern of behavior in earlier generations, or in other branches of either side of the family?

Cedar

 

[Devestated mom]

My daughter is very moody and ungreatful. My husband and I have driven 8 hours to come to her home and help her and her husband prepare the nursery for their first baby. We worked hard to help her as her husband has long hours of work. She has always been moody and makes us feel unwelcome in her home - the tension she exudes could be "cut with a knife". She constantly "cuts me down" with anything and everything I say or do. She is our only child and I've always supported her and "had her back". I just don't understand! Actually it has been so bad this trip that I don't think my husband will want to come back and the baby is due next month. She's 23 and has always been mature for her age. She makes me feel as tho I'm the worst person/mother ever. Any advice would be appreciated!

I just read this. I am going through something similar and don't know what to do. I have given everything to my kids. My daughter is very moody and disrespects me. I am almost every day over cleaning and helping with her child and nothing is good or enough. My husband is fed up of this and I feel very bad. Can someone give me some advice please.

 

[Devestated mom]

I just read this. I am going through something similar and don't know what to do. I have given everything to my kids. My daughter is very moody and disrespects me. I am almost every day over cleaning and helping with her child and nothing is good or enough. My husband is fed up of this and I feel very bad. Can someone give me some advice please.

 

[Copabanana]

I am going through something similar and don't know what to do. I have given everything to my kids.

Devastated Mom: Why not post a new thread? This is an old thread. Do you know how? Go up to the top and look for forums, and then parents emeritus. In the upper right you will see a button "post new thread."

What you describe is what happened to my now deceased mother with my sister. My elegant and beautiful mother drove far every day to help my sister with her newborn twins and my sister treated her with disrespect, like she was hired help. Actually far worse. My mother endured it for the rest of her life, until at the end of her life my sister would not see her or speak to her...as if she did not exist or matter.

Now my sister was much older than your daughter. She is in her sixties now. Your own daughter very well could grow out of it, into a loving and kinder person. But the thing is this: enduring it helps nobody. Adult children require boundaries from their parents just as do little ones.

I hope you post a new thread. I will check for you there. Take care.

 

[NoraAstacharles]

My daughter is very moody and ungreatful. My husband and I have driven 8 hours to come to her home and help her and her husband prepare the nursery for their first baby. We worked hard to help her as her husband has long hours of work. She has always been moody and makes us feel unwelcome in her home - the tension she exudes could be "cut with a knife". She constantly "cuts me down" with anything and everything I say or do. She is our only child and I've always supported her and "had her back". I just don't understand! Actually it has been so bad this trip that I don't think my husband will want to come back and the baby is due next month. She's 23 and has always been mature for her age. She makes me feel as tho I'm the worst person/mother ever. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Nora

We cannot control the actions of another person nor their feelings about us. There could be many reasons for your daughter's behavior but I do not believe you have control over any of them. That she acts a certain way and that she may feel a certain way has nothing to do with you.

You will have to decide whether being in your daughter's life and near your soon to be grandchild's life, is worth it to you to be exposed to her criticism, her moodiness, and her lack of gratitude.

I find it very ill-mannered that a daughter would mistreat a mother who has come a long distance to help her.

The thing is this: the feelings are in you. That you feel like "worst mother" is in you, not in her. There is a way to separate your feelings from her behaviors. It is very, very hard, but it is doable. The process is called "detachment." Insulating yourself from behaviors over which you have no control. Those behaviors are your daughter's to own, not yours.

This is a tough decision. Your daughter may someday change, but she will not do so because you want her to.

My mother was in this situation with my sister. It was terribly painful for her. My sister used her children as bait and manipulated my mother by controlling whether or not she could be close to the children. Over time my mother learned to deal with it, but it was never pleasant for her. She chose to submit to the bad behavior of my sister because she loved her and she loved her grandchildren. My sister did not get better but until the ends of her days my mother loved her. Love sometimes does not have much to do with how one is treated. I guess that is what they mean by unconditional love.

Many mothers have posted here with the same kind of problem. It is seldom easy, but the majority seem to work it out.

I would hope that you do not let your daughter mistreat you. You do not deserve it. I agree with your husband who wants to limit how much you and he are disrespected and hurt. I hope you set some boundaries so that you are protected and the relationship comes to have some reciprocity and she is limited in how much damage she can do. Perhaps you can stay in a hotel and restrict how much help you give her. Why would you help somebody who treats you badly?

I am sorry. I hope you keep posting.

 

[Balina1234]

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, my husband is her father. You're right, she is a spoiled brat and I'm to blame for that. I just love her so much and want to be a part of her life, but I can't make her want us and respect us. I was so looking forward to having a great adult relationship with her and I'm so excited for my first grandson. I suppose I will head home as planned and just lay low. She is very mature in all other aspects - I think/thought. I'm sitting out on her porch waiting until I'm sleepy enough to go pass out and avoid her. Makes me so sad.

I totally understand how you feel as i am dealing with a 20 year who cant even stand being in the same room with me . Like you, i too have always bent over backwards to help this girl and nothing is ever appreciated . Never a thank you, never a hello, never a smile at me ,just talks to me whenever she wants or needs something from me . So yeah it hurts , it hurts alot but ive come to the conclusion we cant change them and they are just made this way which is a shame because i am very much a people person and nothing like her .

 

[Nandina]

Hi Balina, and welcome. You are responding to an older thread that hasn’t been active for awhile and it’s possible not many people will see it here. If you will either start a new thread or ask the administrator (runawaybunny) to move this post if possible, more people will see it and respond. There is lots of good advice here. We all understand.