how often do you talk to your difficult "child" now adult?

[susiestar]

In one way you should be glad you don't have my Difficult Bro calling you. I know when he calls, or I have to call him, it won't be a short call. I set aside at least an hour. Often I need closer to 2 hours. Thankfully he no longer calls after midnight for these chats!!!

It sounds as if Ferb is doing rather well on the surface at least.

 

[BusynMember]

My DS gets annoyed if I work until 12am and sleep in and miss his calls when he drives to work. Or if I have to talk to or see my other grown kids, or have appointments or run chores. He doesnt tell me not to have a life, but he does wish I would save long blocks of time for him. I text mostly...dont talk much on the phone except for him and he has a job where he is on his own time so he can take 1 1/2 hours for lunch. When he tells me something it is in extreme detail. If I have time I try to give him the time because I love him. I always will. But I dont have enough hours in the day for him...truly. And he is 39.

I think it would be more tolerable if we talked about fun things and others or outside events, but he talks about himself and his ex and his eternal court battle. Sometimes I can do it. Sometimes I feel like covering my ears, hearing the same thing over and over again with no change of thought or action on his part.

But I listen. I feel his fear and pain. I know deep inside he wont change, but I try to be supportive. But these days it is only when I am in the right mood for it.

Susie, I feel ya!

 

[PonyGirl65]

difficult child calls every week like clockwork

easy child not so often, and we most always text. For awhile we were doing a weekly dinner together but that has fallen away. Talks of reviving that soon!

 

[zeke11]

My two eldest (30 and 31) clearly don't like me and will only text to ask something. They never call to talk, they never text anything conversational. There is always a purpose to their text. It breaks my heart.

 

[Nomad]

I was very close to my mom and we spoke almost daily. I would say six days a week.
Our son contacts us via phone or text about three times a week when he is not working much due to holidays or days off. When he is busier with work it might go down to two times a week. But then again, my husband or I probably text or call him 2-3 x a week. So, all together it might end up being 4-5x a week that we speak. He is not a Difficult Child.
Our adult daughter is a Difficult Child. She calls daily often several times a day.
It is always about needing money, a favor or to express anger in some fashion.

 

[Copabanana]

her parent's won't let him in the house

I thought he was living with the parents and paying rent. Did I get that wrong?

the same city

Nomad. What happened about the elderly friend whose condo you were helping him sell, that had the bugs? What did you do? How is he?

I am not having any contact with my son. I am on the verge of obtaining a restraining order. He was squatting in the yard of our other property and would not leave. Recently, because he thought we were holding a quantity of marijuana he pushed his way into our house. I found myself pushing him out by banging his leg with a pot. Last week, when I went out to give the dogs water, it was a few moments before I realized he was asleep on the back lawn of my house. I was afraid. I demanded he leave.

He has no sense of how terrorized I am. Nor does he seem to care. The police have been to my house 4 times or more in the past 2 months. Several times it was because he would not leave. I understand that this has gotten so bad because I tried so hard. The more I tried, the more he didn't and felt entitled to even more.

Now, I am forced to see that there is no contact with him that is safe for me. Because I follow him down. I was a person of dignity and purpose. Around him, now, I am lost to myself. Hitting his legs with a pot, so that he cannot force his way in? (I did call the police--he told them he paid rent--and they asked why I did not let him stay....)

I miss him greatly. I wake every night at 230 or so, afraid and despondent. This is too much like my early life. But I do not foresee having contact with him.

I have no choice anymore. It is not so much what he does. It is where I go. I would have continued to go down the same road, had I not encountered masked, marauding robbers on the dark road. I was one of the robbers.

Not long ago I was the sherrif. Gary Cooper. I turned into Jack Palance. Too big a price. Nowhere more to fall. Much further down, I become an animal. Don't want to go there.

Nomad. Your daughter is doing well, in that she works with you. She is protecting what she has, instead of trashing it like my son.

Lil. Your son has a bottom line, which he is raising little by little. He has purpose and discipline. It is hard to even remember that this was the same volatile and entitled young man. My son has turned into this, although he is much older. He is living so badly that his beard greys one day to the next.

My task is to learn how to not feel that my life and I are defined by the disaster that has become my life as a mother. I try to look at it through a spiritual lens. It helps. But the sadness continues.

 

[Nomad]

“Nomad. Your daughter is doing well, in that she works with you. She is protecting what she has, instead of trashing it like my son.”

Hi Copa...
So sorry to read of that you are despondent and traumatized. I don’t know what to make of your son’s Behaviors. It’s like a disconnect. I do know our daughter would likely be homeless if it wasn’t for the payee situation as she doesn’t seem to have any ability to spend appropriately. She could never ever pay for rent regularly (for example) ....no ability AT ALL to prioritize life essentials so this means even if her life was at stake it likely would not happen. It is sad and frightening.

The friend is in an assisted living facility near our home. He is doing better cognitively with medication. We have sprayed his Condo and contacted a realtor with his blessing. It is slow going, but moving forward rather nicely.

We are frustrated by our daughter who has caused some difficulties of late. As I have posted, she has been unkind, untruthful and difficult. We are considering having more separate holidays and more boundaries in general.

 

[Copabanana]

Ferb does not want to share his life with me anymore.

Pigless. How nice it is you are here. I think about you and have hoped you are well. How is life at the farm?

Ferb sounds like he is doing well.

This is my take. First, try not to pay attention to NEVER, EVER statements. Those words are uttered in the moment. That said he may be served by staying away. In the sense he is in the process of becoming psychologically (from you) to some extent. What could be better? As I recall you were quite close. And he had terrible losses. As did you. This makes growing up and away much harder.

In a relatively short time he has transitioned from volatility, self-destructiveness, and being on the brink...to what looks like stability and responsibility, at least on the spectrum of this. He is fulfilling responsibilities to you and to himself. It sounds like he is using independence well. I am very impressed. And I am happy for you. And for him.

I know what it feels like to long for them. For so long they lived in us, like Russian nesting dolls.(But the thing is we live in them too. To be healthy adults, that has to change. They have to learn to fill that space with an adult identity. Now that they are separating it feels like there is a hollow, empty space in us.

While it sounds good to say we need to fill that space with us, with new friends, fun things, friends, nurturing, peace, spirituality, etc., I think that yearning for them takes time to dissipate and to turn into something that is to these newly adult children, and something we can better handle. Maybe we even resist moving on too, never knowing if this newly found emancipation and maturation by them will quickly boomerang back and we will have to go on high alert.

In my case I believe now that I never did make this healthy psychological change. I never really did let go of my son. I am seeing this now. On some level I used his dependency and crisis-proneness to not move on myself, psychologically.

It sounds like you are confronting this fully a decade earlier than am I.

I guess, in sum, what i am saying, is I think what you might be posting about is less about what is normative in these children, and more about, the process of separating psychologically for us mothers. While you have a daughter still home, to some extent your nest is emptying. Mine should have emptied a decade ago.

I am dealing with this belatedly. After a whole lot of water under the bridge. It is like I am having to deal with an empty nest, after a decade of floods and plagues and war. I look around from my nest, and all I see is devastation and loss. I try to groom my feathers, and they are gone.

 

[Copabanana]

As I have posted

I missed your thread. I am sorry, Nomad. I will look as soon as I am able, but want to respond back quickly, here.

I tried to become my sons payee several years ago. Social Security would not do it. My son and I went together. They said they strongly want individuals to be responsible.

That said: My son is NOT responsible. He prefers to be homeless and use all of his SSI for marijuana and other junk, than pay rent. He believes his SSI is for fun stuff, and perhaps, food. I went along with this with the hope he would learn. He has not. We will see now what he does now that he has no support or help from us. At all. No food. No loans. No emotional support. No nothing.

I am unsure if his is an issue of drugs or cognitive deficits or psychological or all of the above. He is of very high intelligence, but not too swift, if you get my drift.

It IS sad and frightening. My son has no other relatives. When I die, he is alone. I had so hoped he would get it together. On my deathbed, I do not want to be afraid to die. But that is a reason to go through this sadness and separation now. I need to let him go.

My son was the most loving child. We were extremely close. He is a kind person. It is if he has lost a psychological structure. Sometimes he looks like a waif or a ghost. I do not know what is going on. He has seen mental health professionals. They do not seem to come up with a very serious diagnosis.

He had a very difficult infancy. Abandoned into an orphanage. So it might be that. And the marijuana. Oh. How I hate it. The cops here just say: Oh. Its legal. Or it might be that his parents were homeless drug addicts. So there is that. But both birth parents had stable, normal parents. On one side, highly successful and affluent. On the other, decent working people. Drugs.

That is the best I come up with. That there is an emptiness, woundedness there, deep, that he cannot deal with. That we humans in times of stress revert back to the weakest link in our lives; the hardest time. And this is what has happened. I hope he has the ego strength to claw his way back.

 

[Nomad]

I wonder if you were to go back to the SS office now and explain that he has been homeless due to not being able to pay for his rent etc. no forethought etc. No cause and effect reasoning. I’m not sure if you can mention spending money on marijuana instead of rent. Maybe. Certainly you can say that his mental illness is not allowing him to plan for life safety needs. Ideally, you would have a letter in your hand backing this up by any of his most recent doctors. Our dayghter’s Psychiatrist wrote a letter of her concerns about these things. in my humble opinion, with our daughter it is a life safety issue. Your state and/or SS Office might have good intentions, but it doesn’t sound like they are facing the dire reality here.

It’s all very frustrating. Being the payee in my humble opinion is better than the alternative. But it is a big responsibility and since she is like a child in that regard, if she has a small amount of money to spend, she wants to spend it ten x over and gets mad at us when we explain that this is mathematically impossible.
Our daughter is bright with a high iq. Yet, doesn’t seem to understand this basic concept. And struggles deeply with cause and effect reasoning, planning, reality, impulse control and taking responsibility for her actions.

We don’t have drugs as an issue. I’m so grateful. Drugs, incl marijuana, make things so much worse. Kills motivation in my book.

Also, in my humble opinion, mental illness combined with adoption often means something very difficult. Huge. Disturbing. Complicated. I’ve seen it repeatedly.

 

[New Leaf]

Copa, I am so sorry for your pain and all that is going on with your son.
I don’t know if Pigless will respond, this post began last year. I do miss her and hope she is well.
What you are experiencing reminded me of when Rain pitched a tent up the road from us. It was awful. It was a shoving of her situation in our face. This made it ever so difficult to process and get through the fog.
Circling the wagons and praying for strength for you. It is a tough thing to go through. I am so very sorry.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[BusynMember]

My autistic son has a payee. We didnt go to social security. I dont think thats a good move. We went ro aging snd disabilities and his neuropsychologist and his teachers also recommended it. Without a medical recommendation and a different agency besides SSI it is hatd to get. They dont care that your son is wreckless with his money. They care if he has the ability to do it right. You need to prove a disability

My son went in front of a judge with me. It is very formal. The judge decides the payee He may pick you or a professional payee. My son is trying to prove he has the ability to do it himself but he striggles to understand how to budget. He is doing better. Right now we gave payee over to profrssionals. It is less stressful. To get money he has to call them and it doesnt help to act sad. But my son is trying to.follow the rules.

You wont get a payee just because your child mismanages his money. You will get one if people, not just an SSI worker (we didnt even.involve SSI) deems your son cognitively unfit, due to disability or psychiatric problem, to manage his own money. Thats why a wife cant get payee rights over a gambling husband who knows he is spending his money wrong.

This is not for discipline and is a process involving professional mental health testing. We started working with the school and a neuropsychologist before my son turned 18. He has a normal IQ and is a good young man but he was unable to comprehend budgeting. He is way better now. One day he may not have a payee. For now, yes.

You may need a lawyer consult to see if your son qualifies for a payee. Then you may have to hire him if he thinks so. My son had a lawyer. But there was no fight. Everyone agreed.

This is about if you CAN manage money, not if you just wont do it right so are homeless.

If you feel strongly about it, forget SSI and go to Aging and Disabilities and a mental health professional and lawyer to build a case that Son.is unfit to manage his money
SSI counselors are unable to make decosions about this. It is a legal procedure with a burden of proof.

Lots of loght and love!

 

[Lil]

I thought he was living with the parents and paying rent. Did I get that wrong?

My post here is from last year. Actually you remember correctly and he was allowed in and was working and paying rent. Later, however, he quit the job he had and took a different one...he was doing security work, sitting overnight watching a closed business during holidays, etc. But it was as needed and her father decided he wasn't working enough and started grumbling about him moving out. He and his girl both moved out and got an apartment with a friend from her college and they are living in a different town now. Last I heard he worked for Burger King, but was trying to get a job as a line cook in a restaurant.

He just proposed. We expect a wedding next summer. Which has me kind of freaking about her possible status in the USA. She was born in Mexico but has lived her since 6 months old. Her mom has a green card, but when we saw her last year, she wasn't sure what her own status is. She's almost 21. If her mom hasn't gotten her a green card, I'm afraid she could be deported? I don't know how to ask, but I'm worried for both her and my son. She's just the sweetest girl.

I am on the verge of obtaining a restraining order.

Copa, in your case, this is my take on a restraining order. Please take if for what it's worth.

A restraining order is just a piece of paper and people will follow it if they want to and won't if they don't want to. They may take it as "Wow. She's really serious" or they may take it as "Screw her, I'll do what I want". Now...If they choose option 2, the restraining order WILL have one plus...you call the police they WILL arrest. None of this, "Oh, why don't you let him stay." You call and they come and he's arrested for violating the order.

The real question is does that help you or hurt you? WILL you call the police, knowing that they WILL arrest him and charge him if you do? Or are you more likely to NOT call, because you know they will arrest him and charge him if you do? If you are in category 2 - then the restraining order will have the effect of restraining YOU from calling the police. That is not what you want.

Not long ago I was the sherrif. Gary Cooper. I turned into Jack Palance. Too big a price. Nowhere more to fall. Much further down, I become an animal. Don't want to go there.

I am SO sorry you are hurting. I have read so many times on this board your fierce love of your son and your pain and I know that you have only ever wanted him to get better...but that can't happen unless he wants it to happen.

Perhaps, we as parents have to hit our rock-bottom too?

I send you huge cyber hugs Copa and tell you to hold on tight.

by the way - I adore Jack Palance.

 

[Nomad]

Swot is right
As I mentioned, we had a letter from our daughter’s psychiatrist stating we need to be Payee due to her mental illness and the instability it causes.
Daughter did not deny or question this.
Neither did SS I.
At this point you might need both an attorney and a letter.
Our daughter’s psychologist would of written one too, but we were well covered.
We have spoke to an attorney ourselves recently about giving this up as we get older to a professional organization and certainly after we are gone.
Can’t add much because I find it confusing (but going in the right direction)
I hope this gets better for you.

 

[Copabanana]

Oh. Only now do I see this is an old thread. Thank you for your support, ladies. I do wish pigless would check-in. Glad to hear the updates about your kids. Lil and nomad.

Lil. About son's fiance status.

I do believe if mother has a green card the daughter more than likely has one. From what I have seen a family endeavors to change status as a unit and they will prioritize the husband, the breadwinner, and the children, before the wife. The mother would never in my experience left her kids out to dry so to speak.

For example. M's sister has a green card. Her husband and all her five children are naturalized citizens. They mortgaged the house to get legal help to secure this. But she is still only a resident, with a green card. M thinks they were nuts to do this by the way.

Worst case when your son marries her they can get an attorney and seek to adjust status this way. M and I spoke to an immigration attorney at one point who was encouraging. We never married though.

(Although I do believe she is a legal resident already. But her reply does perplex me.)

If it was me I would ask her outright. I would say something like this.

You know I am an attorney and I worry about these things. Not because it would affect how I feel about you. But the reverse. I love you and want you safe and to help you be safe. By knowing the reality and dealing with it. So. Let us talk.

Now. M would be mad at me for being so direct. But I would do it anyway.

But. I like how girls dad handled your son.

 

[Lil]

they will prioritize the husband, the breadwinner, and the children, before the wife

Actually, I'm much less sure her dad is legal. Mom is, according to her. I believe her older sister is as she works for the state government there. Heck, I had to prove I was a citizen to work for Missouri! But dad is actually step-dad, to my knowledge, and so I'm not 100% on him. I asked flat out last Sept., (when we drove by a college where Dreamers were protesting the repeal and my son pointed out she was born in Mexico), if she was documented...her response was a rather confused, "You know, I think so. I should probably talk to my mom. She's a resident, so I think I'm okay?"
My son laughed, said, "Green-Card Wedding!" and fist-bumped her. Silly kid.

I guess I'm just worried that they'll not even think about it until they go to get their marriage license and BOOM! But surely if there was something to worry about, her mother would tell her...right?

The USA is just a scary place for non-citizens these days, even if they are here legally.

 

[BusynMember]

Would she become a citizen automatically if she marries your son?

There is sure a lot of ugly hate towards everyone not 100 percent white since whats his face got in. I hope this resolves...it is not what our country is supposed to be about. I am absolutely blown away by what is going on, which is one reason I gave up the news. But even not watching the news, stuff filters out and you do find out some ugly stuff.

 

[Copabanana]

Would she become a citizen automatically if she marries your son?

No. There is a way that attorneys can petition to change status based upon marriage, but it is by no means certain. It can involve the need to temporarily leave the country which is in my mind risky.

M believes that there will be immigration reform, perhaps ushered in by this current president. M sees this happening for political expediency.

There is a huge voting block at stake. I am not talking about the undocumented. I am referring to the already voting block. of Latinos, in particular. (I recognize this plays into the fears and concerns of many Americans, what do they call this? Chain migration, I think.)

This ethnic group, Latinos with family ties here for hundreds of years, historically has been largely conservative, particularly in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona. It would not be a stretch for them to swing back that way to the Republican party should the current president and controlling party support reformm.

I think that would be the political calculus. To do immigration reform to gain this voting block in the next presidential election. The logic is it would take the wind out of the sales of the other party.

So, in my way of thinking, the least risky path is to wait this out. Of course, I could be wrong.

There is risk now of pursuing legally a change of status. We have heard stories of undocumented people apprehended when they go to court or Immigration to pursue legal action to normalize their status.

This post is not meant to espouse political opinions and does not. I am only commenting upon a reality that is facing some of our members.

 

[AnnieO]

I talk to my parents nearly daily, but rarely is it on the phone. Usually it is via email - sometimes 5-6 a day, other days 1 or none. I do see them weekly. But Belle and Pat... I never speak to anymore. Due to their choices. :'(

 

[BusynMember]

Copa to do reform in favor of Latinos will tick off this presidents groupies. He needs them to win (shudder when I type that) more than anyone. You are fortunately in California but you may have a rose colored glasses look there because it is a much more progressive state than most.

I am more in a working/middle class/rural area of Wisconsin which has many that helped T win. He needs this group to stick with him and not sit home (they will never vote Dem).

I am not optimistic. Racism has amped up on all levels. Latinos, as a group, will smartly vote Dem. Cubans maybe not, but other Latinos will. And T knows it.

Look at the horror happening at the borders. Whoever dreamed this could happen in America? And his groupies cheer him on.

No....I can not watch the news.