I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. It is never easy to watch your child make such huge mistakes that could have such a huge impact on the rest of their life. Please don't bail him out no matter how much he begs. I am using "substance abuse" in this post instead of alcoholism/drug use. It is supposed to represent whichever you are dealing with, or both.
I am the sister of an alcoholic. It took me a very long time to develop healthier emotional habits than I learned growing up. I cannot recommend AlAnon or NarcAnon family meetings. It takes time, but it works. Everyone in the family is impacted by the substance abuse if a member has addiction. Just because you don't use the substance doesn't mean you are not codependent. If a family member is addicted to something, generally there are more relatives with addiction issues. In my case, I am the grandchild of a couple of alcoholics, the adult child of a workaholic (same issue, just a non-traditional substance), and the sister of an alcoholic. Substance abuse swings like monkeys through my family tree.
I realized I had an issue when I would get really tense and stressed if my boyfriend drank every time we saw each other. He did not have a problem with alcohol or drugs, but his parents both do (I didn't know that at the time). We had many talks about this and we both went to AlAnon in the early days of our relationship. One book that was truly eye opening for me was "The Laundry List: The ACoA Experience". It is on kindle and well worth reading. It really explains a lot of the behavior patterns that we learn while living with and loving the substance abuser in our lives.
One thing that convinced me to go to meetings was learning that if the family of a substance abuser gets into long term recovery, it increases the chances that the substance abuser will get into recovery and stick with it by 30%. Think about that. That is a huge %. If your child was in school and was having serious problems/failing, what would you do to help them? Would you go to a 1 hour meeting at least once a week for the school year? Just one hour a week could increase his grades from a failing 50% to 80%, or from an F to a B. Would you invest the time and energy into your child? That grade increase could have a real impact on their future opportunities and education.
Getting clean/sober will have a much larger impact on your child's future. It could be life or death because substance abuse can kill you in so many ways. I know I would and most parents I know would do it. This is a bigger issue than grades in my eyes. In the beginning of your AlAnon experience, it will be recommended that you do either "7 in 7" and/or "30 in 30". This means going to 7 meetings in 7 days or 30 meetings in 30 days. This is just in the beginning. It is designed to give the opportunity to find the meetings that work best for you. All the meetings are AlAnon, but every meeting day/time/place is different. Just because the lunch meeting doesn't feel right, if you try the mid afternoon meeting at the same place on the same day, it is likely to feel totally different. That is a big part of why they ask you to do either of those. It helps you find the meeting dynamic that fits best for you. Neither of those are required, but they can be helpful. After that, people usually have a regular meeting that works for them and then they hit other meeting times/place/days if they feel they need it.
I hope this helps. Please do whatever you need to in order to take care of yourself during this journey. My mother was so busy taking care of my brother and father that she didn't take care of herself. It ended up in her having a breakdown a few years after Bro got sober. Make sure you include yourself in the list of people who have needs that are important. It is very true that if you don't care for yourself, you won't be able and healthy enough to take care of everyone else. We parents forget that quite often.
(((((gentle hugs)))))
