How to pick a therapist?

[Tired out]

tomorrow’s due date on the rent payment -

You are so right. When he gets paid (every other week) I remind him, put your half of the rent away so you have it next week. Invariably he has been short and not asked me for help but EXPECTED me to make up the difference.
1 time I said to him, "At your age I was married and wouldn't have even thought of expecting my parents to help with a dime." His response, "I know I am a looser, thanks for pointing it out. so don't help me if you don't want to." of course making me feel bad. Not wanting my son to think of himself as a looser. I can't let him to continue to pull those strings or he will never take responsibility for himself and I will be his enabler. I want him to grow into the strong independent man that I know he can be.

 

[Elsi]

"I know I am a looser, thanks for pointing it out. so don't help me if you don't want to."

Mine pull this too! ‘I know, I’m such a loser, I’m just an F-up, I don’t blame you if you don’t want to help me.’ To which I reply ‘I don’t think you’re a loser, I love you, but I can’t help you. I know you’ll figure this out.’ They know by now I don’t fill regular holes in the monthly budget.

 

[Tired out]

They know by now I don’t fill regular holes in the monthly budget.

B is young and was never out on his own so I helped but I told him I would only do it a couple of months. I have been enabling him by doing it 2 month longer than I told him I would. Plus he left his part time job. I told him when I helped him with the November rent that it was the last time, that December is on him. Maybe he won't bother to ask me to get him the cashier's check. Maybe he will get a money order instead if he isn't going to get help from me. I made a rule for myself. I am not going to text him and I am going to wait at least an hor to respond if he texts me. baby steps. I don't want him to feel abandoned BUT I don't want to feel manipulated.
I am trying to decide if a therapist will help me.
I really think all of you with your experience with dealing with the same type of person are more help than anyone that just learned from a book could ever be!

Thank you all for listening to me. reading my rambling posts and giving me hope and strength.

 

[RN0441]

Tired

I definitely think a therapist will help you. It will help you manage your feeling so much better. Not immediately but over time.

You need to develop firm boundaries with your son and what that relationship will look like. He needs the boundaries as much as you do. I have been down a long and dark road with our son and I am so thankful for the years I went to therapy. I also learned how to detach which was the only way I was able to survive, go to work, have a life etc. It does not mean I do not love my son. I love him desperately. I love people very deeply. A curse and a blessing.

If they take us down with them what good will that do? We cannot help them if we are so beaten and broken emotionally that we can't even function.

If I had not gotten the strength from family, friends, my therapist, God and this forum I honestly don't know where I'd be right now. You have to love yourself too and have self-compassion. This is hard stuff. This could be going on for years with your son. You have to keep up your strength

 

[BusynMember]

Oh Elsi!!

I could not go to a therapist who was only NOW focused. Through the years I have talked about before, now, and later with my therapists, exposing myself to extreme levels of vulnerability that included all times of life.

I am sorry you had that experience.

In every field of work, some people do a better job than others. And its not always easy to find the best. Or even average.

 

[Elsi]

Oh Elsi!!

I could not go to a therapist who was only NOW focused. Through the years I have talked about before, now, and later with my therapists, exposing myself to extreme levels of vulnerability that included all times of life.

I am sorry you had that experience.

In every field of work, some people do a better job than others. And its not always easy to find the best. Or even average.

It wasn't a bad experience for me at all! I don't mean to suggest that we NEVER talked about the past, or that I was forbidden to. We talked enough to help me understand where my worst behavior patterns came from. I just mean that wasn't the major focus. And that was FINE with me! I've done more traditional psychotherapy, too, but after a while I felt stuck, like I was just rehashing the same ground and never getting closer to figuring out what to do with all of the insights I was supposed to be gaining about myself. CBT was what got my unstuck - it gave me the answers to "so what" and "what do I do now." It was more about filling my toolbox, and that was what I needed at that point.

I think both types of therapy are valid - it depends on your individual needs, communication style, and therapy goals. Sometimes you just need a someone to listen to your story and a professional shoulder to cry on for a while. And that's fine! I needed tools. CBT worked well for me. I'm a practical kind of gal.