How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[BusynMember]

I loved this and thought I'd share:

"Many of the people I’ve worked with in family groups have been that obsessed with people they care about. When I asked them what they were feeling, they told me what the other person was feeling. When I asked what they did, they told me what the other person had done. Their entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves. Some of them had spent years of their lives doing this—worrying about, reacting to, and trying to control other human beings. They were shells, sometimes almost invisible shells, of people. Their energy was depleted—directed at someone else. They couldn’t tell me what they were feeling and thinking because they didn’t know. Their focus was not on themselves.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

 

[Tanya M]

Most Excellent!!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Oh oh.

Recognize myself.

Ew.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

When I asked them what they were feeling, they told me what the other person was feeling. When I asked what they did, they told me what the other person had done. Their entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves.

So very true. This is just one of the great things about Al-Anon. Slowly, you are encouraged and the behavior is modeled for you...to take the focus off your qualifier (the person who "brought" you there) and turn it on yourself.

It's okay if you talk about the qualifier when you share, but you start to notice over and over again, that many of the people are able to shift that focus and start talking about themselves and what they are doing to heal, even if they mention the qualifier(s) from time to time.

When I first got into Al-Anon, SWOT, I was the epitome of that description you provided, about first my ex-husband, and then my son.

I didn't need the focus to be on ME!!! I was the okay one. (hahahahahahahahaha...she laughs wryly).

Gently, slowly and kindly, Al-Anon showed me another way to live. Thank goodness.

 

[blackgnat]

OMG. That is me. Sometimes I catch myself doing it and am able to change gears quickly, but always get a feeling of disappointment that I've allowed myself to morph into HIM, or what I THINK is him. Over the years I've made SO many assumptions that I know what he's thinking and what he would do, but really it's all about ME!

Who knew I was a control freak? Thought I was an easy going, laid back hippie type, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Working on it, though