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butterflydreams
Guest
Welcome Dave. Sorry that you have to be here, but it is great that you want to help this child.
I am a newbie...
- Thread starter DaveS903
- Start date
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
He certainly sounds like my son! Especially the negotiating.
I have found that if I negotiate with-my son, he must do the chores first before he gets the reward. Otherwise, he will find every excuse to get out of it, and he will have already reaped the benefits. Never, never, never let these kids get away with-that! It only gets worse.
Here's an example. You said, "He got louder and more animated and was heading for a meltdown so we told him to go do what he wanted and if he screwed up and got in trouble too bad, so sad."
You're giving in.
If he's headed for a meltdown, you send him to his room to be alone. No TV, maybe music, if it's soft. Tell him he's not in trouble, just that you all need to calm down.
If he's headed for a meltdown, you do NOT give in to his demands.
He is teaching you that he can win because you are afraid to confront his meltdowns.
Read The Manipulative Child. It's great. It explains how we all try to avoid unpleasant behavior--the child tries to avoid chores, the parent tries to avoid conflict. Funny, the kids don't seem to mind ratcheting up their responses. They've got WAY more energy than we have and they can wear you down. You have to learn to be a Warrior Dad and stand firm. Not angry, just firm.
You don't do it all at once. Just one behavior at a time.
I see so much of myself in your note!!
I have found that if I negotiate with-my son, he must do the chores first before he gets the reward. Otherwise, he will find every excuse to get out of it, and he will have already reaped the benefits. Never, never, never let these kids get away with-that! It only gets worse.
Here's an example. You said, "He got louder and more animated and was heading for a meltdown so we told him to go do what he wanted and if he screwed up and got in trouble too bad, so sad."
You're giving in.
If he's headed for a meltdown, you send him to his room to be alone. No TV, maybe music, if it's soft. Tell him he's not in trouble, just that you all need to calm down.
If he's headed for a meltdown, you do NOT give in to his demands.
He is teaching you that he can win because you are afraid to confront his meltdowns.
Read The Manipulative Child. It's great. It explains how we all try to avoid unpleasant behavior--the child tries to avoid chores, the parent tries to avoid conflict. Funny, the kids don't seem to mind ratcheting up their responses. They've got WAY more energy than we have and they can wear you down. You have to learn to be a Warrior Dad and stand firm. Not angry, just firm.
You don't do it all at once. Just one behavior at a time.
I see so much of myself in your note!!
Marguerite
Active Member
It's sad that he uses "That's retarded" as a way of disparaging something. Because from my own experience, that is a word he has experienced personally, used against him. He knows from personal experience that it hurts and so he now uses it to hurt others.
If you can, sit him down and ask him what he understands it to mean, and why he uses that word. I would also ask him under what circumstances he learned it, and do your best to make him see that he is NOT retarded.
Do try and read "The Explosive Child", there are tactics in there that I think you need to see. It will help you find other ways to view your stepson. It's also important to keep an open mind on the diagnosis because often it can be so subjective. As the child gets older some aspects get more obvious, others less so. Having a detailed history is always useful, but how he presents now can make it easier (or harder) to pinpoint the diagnosis. We have had cases here on this site where a diagnosis went through an almost 180 change to the ultimate beneift of the child and the family, once they got onto what seems to be a more accurate track.
A kid with Asperger's can (often is) depressed, but that's generally because struggling with this can be depressing to the child, especially if it's not properly diagnosed. It's not uncommon for the depression in an Aspie kid to be mistaken for a down period in BiPolar (BP). Similarly, a kid who is genuinley bipolar can also have other things wrong, that are slipping under the radar. It's always worth challenging the diagnosis at regular intervals, to test it, make sure it's correct and you're all on the right track. Peace of mind, if nothing else. Hence the recommendation for a neuropsychologist assessment.
Marg
If you can, sit him down and ask him what he understands it to mean, and why he uses that word. I would also ask him under what circumstances he learned it, and do your best to make him see that he is NOT retarded.
Do try and read "The Explosive Child", there are tactics in there that I think you need to see. It will help you find other ways to view your stepson. It's also important to keep an open mind on the diagnosis because often it can be so subjective. As the child gets older some aspects get more obvious, others less so. Having a detailed history is always useful, but how he presents now can make it easier (or harder) to pinpoint the diagnosis. We have had cases here on this site where a diagnosis went through an almost 180 change to the ultimate beneift of the child and the family, once they got onto what seems to be a more accurate track.
A kid with Asperger's can (often is) depressed, but that's generally because struggling with this can be depressing to the child, especially if it's not properly diagnosed. It's not uncommon for the depression in an Aspie kid to be mistaken for a down period in BiPolar (BP). Similarly, a kid who is genuinley bipolar can also have other things wrong, that are slipping under the radar. It's always worth challenging the diagnosis at regular intervals, to test it, make sure it's correct and you're all on the right track. Peace of mind, if nothing else. Hence the recommendation for a neuropsychologist assessment.
Marg
