I am Such a Fool

[LoveSushi]

It was a week ago that I received a message, after over a year of no-contact from my daughter. The message consisted of a photo of a positive pregnancy test and the words, "You're gonna be a grandma!"

I posted here about it, and got lots of good feedback, and basically just sat on it. Waiting.... Not expecting much. Not reaching out to her...waiting for her to set the pace. Slow. Cautious.

Then on Tuesday this week, my ex-husband sends me an ultrasound picture. He had come to town to spend some time with her during her "crisis" (he lives a little over an hour away) and she had asked him to take her to the crisis pregnancy center. Yes, Care Net, the pro-life, evangelical Christian organization (which I admire and support very much). I texted her, and we planned to meet late in the afternoon, after she was done with a job interview that she had scheduled for that day. She was very adamant that she was going to keep her child, no matter what the maggot (her husband) said, and I told her that if she made an appointment at WIC that I would take the time off work to take her. Her father and stepmother had already told her that she and her child had a place to live with them, if the maggot made good on his threat of divorcing her if she kept the baby. She made an appointment at WIC for Friday (tomorrow) afternoon.

Anyway, I met her at Starbucks after her interview. It was good to see her. She looked absolutely gorgeous. She was glowing. She was dressed professionally, and it was so good to see her and spend time with her. She showed me all the pictures from the ultrasound, in that beautiful little folder with the little baby feet and the "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" card...my heart was swelling to overflowing. We took a beautiful selfie together, which I posted on FB and many of my friends liked and commented on...some who knew about the estrangement were so happy to see it.

After Starbucks we went to my house so I could feed my dogs, then we went to dinner (I offered to take her for dinner and then take her to a friend's house, since the maggot was being such a dick). She told me that she had intercepted facebook messages from his mother with instructions for herbal abortifacient recipes that he could slip to her. All through dinner the maggot was texting her incessantly...and the texts that I saw were to the effect of "You are such a liar, all you've done is lie-lie-lie, if you don't keep the appointment on Friday, we are separating...." and so much more drama-drama-drama that I don't have the energy to go into. Well, it turns out she has an appointment for an abortion tomorrow. She squeezed out a few tears and said she's afraid that if she goes through with the abortion that she'd let people down. I knew as soon as she said that (with the crocodile tears) that I'd been had.

I told her that whatever decision she makes, it has to be HER decision. And that she needs to think about whether she REALLY wants to be with a man (maggot) who would force her into this kind of decision against her will. I texted her early this afternoon, "How are you doing?" No response. But she's blithely posting on Facebook as though everything is normal. And yes, I watch her FB via a backdoor she doesn't know about, so shoot me.

I had arranged to take half the day off tomorrow to spend with her and take her to WIC. My Gawd, I'm such a fool. I'm such a gullible, stupid fool.

She's getting the abortion tomorrow. I have no doubt that this was all a nothing but a ruse. She dragged her father to the crisis pregnancy clinic for the ultrasound and pictures, in the hope that she could manipulate the maggot into the scenario she was trying to create...she has no regard for her father's feelings for his first grandchild...or my feelings...she has not changed at all. She is Borderline Personality Disordered. Classic. Textbook.

I'm such a fool. How could I have thought, even for an instant, that she could have changed? That having a child inside of her could have changed anything? I feel like such an idiot for allowing myself to be sucked into it, for letting myself become vulnerable, and letting my heart get broken apart yet again....when I KNOW BETTER.

Tomorrow she will be killing my first grandchild. After proudly showing me the photos. Photos where I could count his/her little fingers and toes...see his/her spine and every rib...daughter said the technician said it was one of the most active babies they'd ever seen, s/he was moving so much.

Daughter will probably never feel one moment of regret, except that it didn't have the effect on her relationship with the maggot that she intended it to.

And I've changed the FB selfie to private so only I can see it and I don't have to see anyone else like it or comment on it.

 

[BusynMember]

Tess, how my heart hurts for you, hon.

Sadly, we are so anxious to believe our adult children have changed that when a life changing event takes place, such as a pregnancy, we hope so hard that THIS is the blessing our adult child has received that will change her/him....that we forget who they really are. We want so badly to believe the best and be "normal" parents of "normal" adult children. I get it. I get it so much. I get it more than you will ever know.

Tess, most of our adult children who bring us here do probably have personality disorders, such as borderline, and your daughter's behavior certainly indicates that. Maybe she thought she'd get a little money from you before doing her worst. Maybe she wanted to hurt you...many of our adult kids do like to hurt us, an admission that makes me shudder and shake my head.

We err in the hopes that our adult child will finally be a nice, loving, productive member of society, but we also lie because we so badly want the joy of a normal adult relationship with them and, of course, to know and love our grandchildren.

You are not a fool. Your daughter is just very cunning and manipulative and low on empathy. Until I learned to accept my kids as they are, all of them, I was not a happy person. I didn't want to admit I had any problem adult children, but acceptance has helped me tremendously. Now, especially with Bart, I go slow before getting excited over anything. I wait and see. I hesitate. I sit back and wait. I know things can change into a crises on a dime and I do not necessarily engage.

• It would probably be a nice gift to yourself and your husband, after this devestation, to go for help to make your own lives better...learn to detach with love and to stand back and to cope with having a problem adult child and learn how to go on and have a happy life anyway. The chances for this particular adult daughter to give you any joy without much pain is unlikely. IF she is borderline, and she fits the bill, they can not sustain for long and have no problems using revenge, anger and cut offs as weapons to slay our hurting hearts. It is best to accept her as she is and not to bank your happiness on anything that happens in her life as she can hurt you without any sympathy. But it's a process, which is why you would need professional help.

Again, I am so sorry. I had a feelings...our adult kids do not change overnight for any reason. They are what they are. And they do what they do. And we need to learn radical acceptance (look up this term...so helpful) and to move on in our own lives. She would not have been a capable mother nor have allowed you a normal relationship with a grandchild anyway and that doesn't make what she is doing any better, but it is probably something you should remember next time she does this. And she will. My advice, which you can take or leave of course, is to not engage her or look at the ultrasound. How cruel! I'd be going very low contact with her if it were me, but all of us handle these things in different ways.

Sad hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Tess, I don't even know what to say.

You are not a fool. You are a mother who loves her child.

Whatever she decides, we are right here.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Tess, I am so sorry. You're not a fool, like others have said. You are a person who wants to believe and who has hope. That is never a bad thing.

Feeling empathy, excitement, compassion, hope, disappointment---the full range of emotion---is what makes us fully human.

The problem is, you are dealing with someone who may not have the same reaction to events, like you said, if she is borderline or sociopathic, you're dealing with someone who doesn't and can't have the same reaction you do to life and life's twists and turns.

This situation sounds like another one you somehow, someway, someday, are going to have to accept. Just like you have worked hard to accept your daughter's situation, and to take care of yourself, and set boundaries, you will have to accept whatever she decides to do.

I know you don't want her to have an abortion, and I understand that. Having said that, bringing your grandchild into her life and home is likely to come with more and more layers of hurt and pain for all.

I know you know that.

Today, please try to do something kind and nice for yourself---something big or something small. A nap, a walk, a conversation with a trusted friend, lying down and crying for an hour, flowers from the grocery store. Ask yourself what you need---right now---and create some time and space to provide that for yourself.

It is remarkably healing. And please keep us posted about YOU and how you are feeling and thinking. We are here for you. This is a very tough time and you have our support.

Warm hugs, Tess.

 

[2much2recover]

Classic borderline in it's either black or white (no shades of gray) When she is with you, she wants to keep the baby, WHITE, when she wants to be with him she sees things as BLACK. With a borderline person it is always everything is good or everything is bad. So for whatever reason she has decided that having this miracle child is a bad thing to do in relation to her dastardly husband.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. My daughter too, had an abortion but I held on to the thought in my mind that the baby would suffer it's entire life under the mothering of my personality disordered daughters care. It's another way of looking at what is best for the baby in a sad situation when an adult child is personality disordered or mentally ill.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I'm just so horrified about this.

Is it over, and did she go through with it?

Cedar

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Tess, I am so sorry for your heartbreak. You are not a fool for wanting to believe that she had changed. It's one thing to detach from our adult children but when they involve innocent lives it makes it that much harder. Each episode we go through with our Difficult Child we learn from and we grow a little stronger even though it may not seem like it at the time.
You gave her the gift of your time, love and compassion, what a beautiful thing. Again, you are not a fool, you are loving.
I've said it before, there is not roller coaster ride on this planet that can compare to the roller coaster ride of emotions our Difficult Child take us on.
Detaching is not easy but it's necessary in order to live a life without drama and chaos.
Hang in there and stay close to this site where people know what you are going through and care.
((HUGS)) to you............

 

[LoveSushi]

I know you don't want her to have an abortion, and I understand that. Having said that, bringing your grandchild into her life and home is likely to come with more and more layers of hurt and pain for all.

I try not to judge, and I know that it is a very private and personal choice, but to me, abortion is ending an innocent life. Ending an innocent life because of inconvenience...that is repugnant to me. Since abortion has become legal, human life has become increasingly devalued. In all ways. Child abuse has actually increased dramatically. But, that's a debate for another time. I do believe that the child does have a soul, and I can comfort myself with the thought that my sister will be holding that baby in her arms, and be glad that it will never know the madness and sorrow it would have known here on earth.

the baby would suffer it's entire life under the mothering of my personality disordered daughters care. It's another way of looking at what is best for the baby in a sad situation when an adult child is personality disordered or mentally ill.

Yes. That thought has been in my head since I saw that photo of the pregnancy test. What a life of chaos and suffering would that child be subjected to?

What really gets me though...and it really shouldn't surprise me, after learning all that I've learned here especially...is that she ALREADY HAD THE ABORTION SCHEDULED when she had her dad take her to the crisis clinic and got the ultrasound. She KNOWS how her dad feels about abortion. She KNOWS how he would feel, seeing his first grandchild moving around and seeing the heartbeat.

I can understand her wanting to hurt me...after everything between us, dragging me into her drama to get in a few twists of the knife, I can get it. But why would she do it to her dad? He has been in touch with her and supportive (enabling) of her all along, even when my house was burglarized. "She's really growing up," he told me. "She's changed a lot," he said.

I thought that we had a nice visit on Wednesday, but I was just a bit player in her drama. Obviously, our reconciliation wasn't in her mind, especially since she hasn't responded to the text I sent her early yesterday. I'm not sending her any more. Back to no contact, that's a much safer place for me, emotionally.

*sighs* I stayed home from work today. My back is giving me fits (stress goes straight to my back) and I just want to drink wine and pet my dogs today.

 

[BusynMember]

Tess, you drink wine and pet your dogs.

Your daughter wants to hurt you and her dad because she can't help it...she is personality disordered. They don't think like "normal" people. We need to keep a distance from people like that to protect ourselves.

You treat yourself with love. I always, from experience, warn people who have younger disturbed kiddos to guard their hearts and don't ride too high when things may look better. Take a longterm view of things. People don't change overnight. Some don't ever change or think that they SHOULD change. But WE can change the way we look at life and others if we remember that we can only control our own behavior. Our own morals and feelings do not necessarily extend to others, including our adult children, especially if they are not walking the right pathway. We can't change their thinking, but we can prevent them from hurting us. We can go low contact. We can take ANYTHING they say with a grain of salt We can learn to accept their words without giving them meaning. We can hear them talking and let our own voice inside our head tell us "Remember...actions speak louder than words." We can just learn who to trust and whom not to trust. We can learn radical acceptance.

"My daughter does not share my morals and values. I accept that she will do things kI consider unthinkable. Why can I accept it? Because I can't change it. I don't have to like it, but I can accept that she will not have the same though processes I do and I can move on, secure in my own skin."

As hard as it is to accept, our adult children are not us. They are not even extensions of us. They are separate human beings and at times they are dangerous to us. As another example of how life is not as valued, there is an epidemic of adult children disowning their parents. I had to face this myself when it happened to me. I'm a researcher. It is a fact that our grown kids are dumping us in spades and often for reasons we don't even understand.

The world is what it is.

I find peace in radical acceptance. I hope you can find something that helps you find peace.

Hugs!!!!

 

[Childofmine]

I try not to judge, and I know that it is a very private and personal choice, but to me, abortion is ending an innocent life. Ending an innocent life because of inconvenience...that is repugnant to me. Since abortion has become legal, human life has become increasingly devalued. In all ways. Child abuse has actually increased dramatically. But, that's a debate for another time.

I understand, and all views aside, it is always a tragedy and so very painful to be a part of, from the periphery or otherwise.

But why would she do it to her dad?

I don't pretend to know how she thinks or what is going on with her. I can only relate to my son's lies, drama, victimhood and sole focus (drugs and himself) when he was deep into his disease. Me, me, me, me, me, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, lie, lie, lie, lie...primary mental illness that goes untreated is very ugly, and it's very painful to try to have a relationship with someone who is in the throes of it. I would venture to say it's impossible.

The answer is what you said---love them from a distance. Detachment. Unhooking from it all. What other choice do we have, in order to preserve our own sanity and peace? I think none.

We have to learn how to do it, and you have, Tess. We can still get hooked in, with situations like this one. But you know what to do, and you are already doing it.

Have that glass of wine, take a nap and pet those dogs. Warm Hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Tess, I am so sorry.
I do not think you are a fool. Or that your ex is a fool. It's that your daughter is so totally manipulative and cruel.
There is something terribly wrong with her. My cousin is borderline, but she's more of an airhead, and more me-me-me, but not deliberately cruel. So at least I know someone who is somewhat like your daughter. It's very hard.
You had no way of seeing this one coming.
I know what you mean about your stress going to your back. I hear you.
Go ahead and drink that wine, and pet those dogs. Taking the day off is a good idea. You have been dealt a huge blow.
I am so very, very, very sorry.
I hope that you can move on with your life now. Because she will never change. She can look good, and dress well, but inside her head, the same alien being is twisting around, doing its thing.
Again, I am so sorry.
You are loving and kind and you don't deserve this. You deserve wine and loving dogs.

 

[2much2recover]

Again with the personality disorder - it is SO DARK that these Difficult Child's can go to the lengths that they do to hurt people. Purposely aborting babies is one of the deepest levels of sick that someone can do, especially involving family in the pregnancy knowing they are going to abort the baby. When you know that something like this is against someone's values - well it is such a sick thing to hurt another person in this way. Just remember you were in no contact for a reason, and for her to pop back into your life just to do this gives you every reason to keep her out of your life. She is capable of doing very mean and sick things to hurt you AND get satisfaction from it.

 

[LoveSushi]

Purposely aborting babies is one of the deepest levels of sick that someone can do, especially involving family in the pregnancy knowing they are going to abort the baby.

I'm not totally sure that her primary motivation was to hurt us. She wanted the maggot to suddenly change his mind and decide that they'd have a baby and become a happy little family. When that didn't work, the baby was disposable. On to the next plan. Her dad and I (and her brother, sister-in-law, step-brother, step-sister, et al) were all just collateral damage, that she didn't think about, or care about.

Definitely back to no-contact. My own sanity depends on it.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry, Tess, that you and her dad had to bear that deliberate loss after sharing a moment that should have been so joy-filled.

I don't know why they do such cruel things, no idea at all, not even a hint or a shade or an inkling. It sometimes seems that other people's feelings aren't even on their radar, except as fodder for their goals.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Tess,

Hugs. I cannot even imagine, although I can certainly understand my Difficult Child doing something akin to this.

I am so sorry and I hope you feel my tight, tight hug. I am right there with you on how you feel about what is happening to an innocent life. D#$%. I am just so sorry.

And, exactly as others said, YOU were not a fool.

You are full of love. And, such a deep love can bring great pain....because you love and care so very much.