I can't stop crying.....

[Megandrudy]

I don't have any nieces or nephews. I have my much older sister, my husband and our only child. I just don't know if I'm ever going to get over this. I pray everyday. I don't think God is listening. Why would he let this happen? I couldn't have a biological child and we waited 16 years before adopting her. I just don't know why God is putting me through this agony. I suffered once; why a second time? I'm sorry. I am just so sad.

 

[BusynMember]

I think we are given challenges as lessons to help us become better, stronger people. You dont yet know the outcome of this. Lay low and see what happens. She is very young.

Did she ever bring up being adopted? Some talk about it. Some dont. All think about it and it effects them in diffetent ways. Always there is the question, spoken or not, who am I? Why was I given away? They certainly love us lots, but we did not create them. They dont share our DNA. Girls especially can be curious. All adopted kids think about their birth families, even if they love us to pieces and have wonderful lives.

Some adopted kids (and birthkids who had chaotic infant and toddler years) have varying degrees of attachment problems. This is not our faults.

I have three adopted kids, all who had adoption issues at times as we encouraged them to talk about it. One child who was six when we got him never attached and knew it and was upset about it but he couldnt help it. He left after marryong. Has been over ten years.

Your daughter came to you young. Was she loved by somebody before she came to you? Is she from abroad? From an orphanage? Foater care?

It is so very heartbreaking when a beloved child rejects us. I hope your daughter is just going through a phase. At her age, it is very possible. Probable too.

Much light and love.

 

[Catmom]

No, we aren't bad parents for experiencing the emotions that come and go in dealing with our children. I have had the same feelings and was appreciating the break from every day drama when my son was living with me. Now that he ended up in jail, I go from relief that he is safe to guilt to anger to sadness. The feelings come and go but I can tell you this, my other child who is easy, loving and pleasant doesn't provoke these emotions in me.

 

[Nomad]

We have friends that have a somewhat similar situation. Not uncommon for adopted folks to have issues of various kinds. Sometimes there is mental illness. Sometimes personality issues. Lots of times insecurities. It is weird bundle/cluster of oddities. AND if you combine this with something I'm about to tell you that I learned long ago....

Our adopted teen went through this odd period. To our SHOCK, this weird family in their own right, practically adopted her. She slept there, took care of her, etc. She told them greatly exaggerated stories...and my guess is some totally made up ones....all negative.

This went on for several weeks. We called the cops. One cop said he has seen this multiple times. The child (sometimes adopted, sometimes troubled...whatever) tells some sad tale of woe and then these adults (usually they have their OWN issues) think they can do better. Or they have some sort of savior complex and take over. The only saving grace is that in our case, we knew at some point they would tire and give up and that is exactly what happened.

For our friend in a a bit of a more similar situation as yours....these folks basically never let go. This, in my opinion is a rarity. The adopted daughter started calling the other people "mom" and "dad." It seem to start over some stupid little argument. It began off and on when the girl was a teen (not sure). But then later, when the girl was like 20, she definitely was completely enmeshed with the new family. She, on occasion, does her true adopted family that raised her a "favor" by visiting them now and again, as she considers these other people her true family. MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. Hopefully, that will NOT be your case. I think that is unlikely. My friend comforts herself by recognizing that her adopted daughter is mentally ill/troubled because healthy people do NOT do these things.

It is a huge blessing that your daughter seems academically intelligent, doesn't do drugs and is employed. Honestly, this is huge. Honestly, I would thank the one above for these things. It says something. HOpefully, she is going through something...what in the world it is...hard to say. Some kind of insecurity. Or maybe these people have a personality attribute that she can relate to more than she can relate to with you. Doesn't mean that your way of thinking/living is bad...just different. I think there is a nice chance she will come back and/or see the light.

I would leave the door open for her to come back as best as you can.

However, I certainly can see where this would be very very painful/difficult. I think you said you are already doing this...but yes, definitely see a therapist for yourself. You have found a good place to get empathy and advice here.

As I said, I went through this on a very mini basis and I have a friend who went through this on a major basis. She had to learn to adapt and look at the entire thing differently. Very very hard.

I think there is hope for improvement...definitely keep seeing a therapist. Prayers and good thoughts during this very difficult time.

 

[Nomad]

This is going to sound weird as heck right this moment...but please try to keep an open mind...
even though you are in horrible pain, try not to let her see it or know it.
You can verbalize calmly that you are upset and concerned, but try not to let her see that you are very depressed, distraught and so forth.
It's just my gut feelings. Perhaps at times she felt overwhelmed by your good graces and generosity. I know that sounds insane. Perhaps she has felt obligated to be the "good girl."
Our son went through periods of times that he felt obligated to be the "good kid" because we had a special needs child.
That is too much pressure on a child/teen/young adult. It is possible that she felt that she always had to do "right" because you were so good to her. You adopted her, took her on nice vacations, paid for things, were willing to pay for college...
And adopted children sometimes have BAGGAGE.
If you let her know how truly angry/upset/pained you are...it might trigger something in her. Maybe obligation. I don't know. It's just a sense I have that she shouldn't fully know how bad this has devastated you.
I agree, this could be an attachment thing. It could be some weird baggage that hopefully will pass in due time.
Put one foot in front of the other and try to do any little thing that brings you comfort and joy. As best as you can...slowly and calmly, in tiny increments...move forward. (((hugs)))

 

[pigless in VA]

I'm sorry this isn't what you wanted, Meg. Some of her current rejection of you is her asserting her independence which is natural at her age. Please try to find a way to accept the distance for now and focus on feeling better for yourself. Those little elementary school kids need you. I know you make a difference in their lives every single day.

Have you seen your doctor about an anti-depressant yet? I honestly think it would help you a little. The other thing that helps me is to do something stupid. Not dangerous stupid, just get your mind off your worries stupid.

One of my lowest points in life was when my ex #2 kicked me out of the house. I didn't understand why at the time. Later, I found out he was cheating on me. Anyway, I was devastated. It was summer. I love Halloween and always have. I moved in with a friend who had a giant front porch. I focused all my energies on decorating her house for Halloween. It was fun and stupid, but we both enjoyed it. By the time Halloween rolled around, I had pulled myself through the depression and started a new life.

Warm hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Megandrudy]

Thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately, I have let her know, on several occasions, how much I am hurting. I left a note on her car yesterday and got no response. I cried all last night and on and off today. As my husband and I laid in bed last night, I was sobbing. He finally turned his head toward me and said, "you're not the only one in pain here." His eyes were filled with tears. In 35 years of marriage I have rarely seen my husband cry. I wished right then that our daughter could see her father. She has blamed him for being too negative and refused to ever acknowledge the "small acts" of love that he frequently displayed for her. She did question me once about why I expected her to be perfect. I said I don't expect her to be perfect, but due to the fact that I am a teacher, I can't sit across the table from a parent and tell them how to raise their child, if I don't do the same. There is baggage from her birth family. Her birth mother committed suicide on the last day of school during her eighth grade year. She never met her birth mother, but BM tried to contact her through the internet. Our daughter had just made contact with her birth siblings and was not ready for more. Shortly after our daughter turned her away, the mother committed suicide. Our daughter blamed herself for the BM's death. We reassured her that she did not cause the BM to do what she did.
Right before our daughter graduated from HS, she informed us that she had invited her bio brothers to her graduation. She met her oldest brother once (we were with her) and had never met the middle brother until he showed up at our house for the graduation. They informed us that the bio grandmother passed away the night before and the family wanted her to go to the funeral. I tried to discourage her from going, saying that the funeral should be about the grandmother and it would be all about our daughter instead....pointing, whispering , etc. She insisted that she wanted to go, so I took her. What I predicted would happen, did. It was very awkward at best. Things happened and things were said that sent me over the edge and made me feel like we were going to lose her. She came home with us but then we got into s huge fight regarding the boyfriend, a planned camping trip with us, and the cell phone. It went down hill from there. She actually talked to us more right after she left than she is now. I have heard she has broken up with the boyfriend, but continues to live there with his parents. I think he still lives there too. I am a mess.....

 

[BusynMember]

That is too bad it went the way it did with birthmother. Thats a trauma. They had an emotional bond even if they never met...it is normal for adopted adults to seek out their birthfamilies. I even offered to help my asian daughter find her birthmother or siblings, if she has some. I met youngest daughters older brother and birthmother and I love her like i adore, cherish and love my daughter. We will see one another again. Jumper has read emails from her and has been a super adjusted kid ever since her other mother (yes, they feel they have two) explained the adoption.

Goneboy has his birth relatives from Asia on his FB as friends. Im glad. He never bonded with us. Im sure he met them as he is wealthy and has traveled a lot. He did not ask to spend six years in an orphanage or be unable to bond with us as his family. I hope he is at peace...he was once so angry.

Adopted kids have extra problems, even the well adjusted ones. I have a suggestion that may work, may not, but I would have no problem doing it myself so I will see if you can use it. Remember, our adult kids dont belong to us. They are their own people. Why not send one more message to your daughter telling her you would like to throw a "getting to know you" party for her birth family. I know it was uncomfortable at the funeral, but that seemed to have started the problems with your daughter. Plus it was a funeral. Be the bigger person and reach out. She may already be seeing them.

She shouldnt have to hide it if she is. That can cause resentment and distance. And you may like them once you get to know them. The days of closed adoptions are over with social media. Even kids born in China can find birth relatives. And I dont think its bad. But adoptive parents need to adjust. Like us.

I read once that half the childten who are in counseling are adopted. Or I think I did. It was significant. My BFF in my younger years had been adopted and did not rest until she found who she looked like. Her birth mother and there were three siblings by birth too.

It was rough at first but eventually she developed a close relationship with most of her birth family. Nobody had known about her so it shocked them at first.

Her mother who had raised her (in my opinion her real mother) never befriended them which caused my friend to see them on the sneak. She had so much wanted her mothers to hug one another, but it never happened. That disappointed her.

My friend gave me so much insight and advice before I actually adopted my kids. My kids knew they could always talk to her privately too. She was and is a blessing in our lives. And she always knew what I should say regarding my beloved children's adoptions when questions came up.

I think maybe therapy could help you figure this out and cope better and show you a different way to reach out to your daughter. Make sure, if you do this, that the therapist understands adoption...has many adoptees in the practice.

So many hugs and so much love to you. We want them to forget they came from another family because we love them as if we'd given birth to them. But for them they love us, but it is different. I am positive Jumper, Princess and Sonic love me so much. That doesnt mean I think they forgot they have a birthfamily. And thats okay.

Please be good to yourself. Your daughter has a harder path to walk...but not because of you. I do agree that begging backfires. Please dont do it. Get therapy and maybe in the end this will make your relationship with your daughter eventually stronger!! Try very hard to help yourself and reach out, reach out, reach out.

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome.

All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Why is she cutting me out of her life?

I have an adopted son who is now 28. I brought him home when he was about 22 months old.

Our relationship was close and fulfilling until he was about 16. Then it became conflictual and difficult for a number of years. Now it is getting better.

First, because it is this way now does not mean it will stay that way.
Almost all kids in our culture go through a period of negotiating an adult identity away from their parents. For adoptive kids it is way more complicated. All adoptive children I have known have some sense of abandonment and rejection and anger (or longing), towards their birth parents. They project this (fair or no) onto their adoptive parents, who take in hit in lieu of the birth parents, who are unavailable.

We as their parents must learn to tolerate this, because that is both in our own interests and most importantly in the interest of our children. You can tolerate this.

All of us have needs met through loving and being loved by our children. But we must find the personal resources to deal with their growing up. Nothing about this is fair. But this is a developmental stage. For us and for them.

I am sorry you are hurting. I believe you can turn this around if you look at yourself, and take the focus off your daughter. Let her be in charge of her, and you in charge of you, for now.

I think therapy might be a good idea. You might want to think about Al Anon or Coda as well. For the last 6 months I have worked with a spiritual director in my faith. I have found it immeasurably rewarding in dealing with pain and stress vis a vis my son, understanding intergenerational influences, deepening and strengthening my faith, and knowing myself and my deepest yearnings from life. Sometimes what are crisis points can be the source of deepest meaning.

 

[Copabanana]

I have just read your latest posts. .

She has blamed him for being too negative and refused to ever acknowledge the "small acts" of love that he frequently displayed for her.

First, this is common. Or at least my own son does it. He is always talking about our negativity and how we expect him to be perfect. I do not pay attention. I have my criticisms of him too. Let him think (and say) what he wants. My responsibility as a parent is to do my best to influence my child to be a productive, constructive person....That is how I see my role. Still. If he doesn't like it, oh well.

This is horribly traumatic and my heart breaks for her:

Shortly after our daughter turned her away, the mother committed suicide. Our daughter blamed herself for the BM's death.

How could she NOT be reeling from this?

I would urge you to try your very best to take responsibility for your own emotions and to not burden her with them. In a sense this is what her birth mother did. Make your daughter responsible for the birth mother's emotions, indeed her life. The greatest gift you can give your daughter (and yourself) is to right now, take responsibility for living your own life, and to let her be. Believe me, she will come back. But it is not fair of you to put yourself first, to insist she take care of you, at the price of her own emotional development.

She cannot handle this responsibility. She is setting a boundary. Try to hear her. She cannot deal with more. This is what she is telling you. It is not forever, it is for right now.

She is like a victim of a crime. What her birth mother did to her was criminal, really. It was vicious and cruel.

I would urge you to try to have faith in her and faith in yourselves, that your love will prevail. I believe it has and it will. Whatever you can do to shore yourselves up, I urge you to partake: therapy, art, needlework, walking, nature, spirituality, friendships, dance....but not her right now. She will work this out. And she will come back to you.

Right now she must feel she has nobody who is not making demands on her emotionally. I would try very hard to give her space and not make her responsible for your emotions. She is too young to have this burden of taking care of you emotionally, after what she has gone through. She cannot right now live the life you had imagined for her. She is telling you that.

She may very well decide to come back and live that very life. But she is telling you she needs a break. Who wouldn't, after what she has gone through?

 

[pigless in VA]

Meg, I think Copa put into words what I was thinking. This isn't about you and Rudy. It's about her birth mother. That's why she needs space from you. She is trying to grapple with the ultimate rejection. My husband's suicide is still hard for me to cope with. I know he was ill. I know that I tried to help him. It still feels like the ultimate betrayal.

The timing of the birth mother's death was horrible. It dumped an emotional load on your daughter which she believes you don't understand. Sorry, Copa, I don't believe suicides are criminal. I think we need to understand that sometimes people become so ill that they cannot cope with life. It isn't about those that they love and leave behind. It's solely about their emotional pain reaching a level that they can no longer handle. I don't believe birth mother was trying to destroy the world of the daughter she gave up for adoption. I do understand that she has left a path of emotional destruction in the wake of her death. Suicides have that effect on those left behind.

She will come back to you, Meg. She is hurting deeply. I agree with Copa that she only needs space in order to process this loss. I'm sorry that her need for space is painful for you. I, too, believe that she will return to you and Rudy. I think the love all of you share will be strong enough to overcome this terrible pain.

 

[BusynMember]

I think pigless is right on. Suicide is caused by mental illness but I know the victims left brhind tend yo think they could have stopped it if only this, if only that. It isnt about the victims left behind, at least not to the person. It is about the pain inside of the person. Most feel "everyone will be better off without me." Its not rational, but neither is suicide.

I cant predict the outcome of all this, but I think it will be helpful if you give her a lot of space then offer family therapy. And I would open the door to her birth family. Obviously she wants them.in her life. You cant stop her need, but you can be a part of it. Or not. It is your decision. Yes, its hard. We want them to ourselves. But its not like that if we adopt. Even thpugh we did all the hard work, it is normal for them to wonder why they have blue eyes or artistic talent or trouble in math. Who created them. Who shares their DNA.

I feel having an.open, positive attitute about the birth family really helped our closeness with the kids we adopted. Goneboys issues were related to attachment problems after spending six years in an orphanage. We wrote letters to his birthmother in China after he fell into despair that he was sure she had died in a car accident. He was so distraught I had to let him know she was alive and well and it was not hard to find her.

The kids we adopted very young have no attachment problems. But they naturally are curious about their birth families. Its normal.


Please get help for yourself. Without help, I never would have recovered when Goneboy left. Even if this is temporary, and it very well could be at her age, you need to learn to get through it. Crying every day doesnt change anything and harms you. I know its hard. Thats why I recommend therapy.

Peace and love to you.

 

[Nomad]

some more thoughts...
That boundary thing Copa mentioned is soooo true. I had a very close relationship with my Mom. I'm an "only child." I was amazed at myself when during my senior year of high school, I would get angry at her for no apparent reason. I was grouchy and weird and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I can also be (almost oddly...lol) observant. I observed that MANY of my friends during this time frame were arguing with their parents. It is a major time of life (there are probably others) where young people separate from their parents and is actually healthy to do.

Now, your daughter has some extra baggage due to the adoption and the bio mom's suicide. You may have accidentally slightly contributed (key words...accidentally and slightly) because you have been so present/kind/giving and she has felt pressure to perform or do your bidding and now her desire to separate has become some kind of odd force.

You also may have been a tad enmeshed with your daughter since it took so long to have a daughter and so forth.

I know a relative of mine with a similar experience. His mom didn't have him until she was forty and considered him a miracle. And she wasn't able to have any other children. No, he didn't react the way your daughter is reacting. BUT, he often expressed that he felt pressured to be "perfect" due to this and related things and he is actually a little bitter about it.

Definitely see a therapist and maybe often for awhile. This is a hugely difficult and painful thing. Don't worry that you've already let her know how hurt you are. If you think what I or others have said might be a healthy thing to do...tone it down regarding what you tell her esp. in terms of your pain.
It just brings her more guilt and confusion. She likely doesn't fully understand what is happening to her and you telling her she is causing you great pain will only likely anger her.

It is absolutely not fair and insane...but that is part of parenting. And, sadly, it seems more common with adopted children. I'm not saying be a big liar, but I definitely feel you should tone it down. And, you mentioned your husband is hurting terribly as well and can't always handle this much grief.

This is what therapists are for. This is a LOT. It will take time and help, but you will get through this.

 

[Megandrudy]

I am sitting in the waiting room to see the nurse practitioner.

My para at school went to the AP this am and said she was worried about me. The AP called me into her office. She has known my daughter and I for years. ( I had her son for K and again in first grade.) She is aware of the situation with our daughter and can't believe this has happened. She is also concerned because she has seen me change. She made me call the doctor right there and make an appointment.

So here I sit. Next, I will try to find a new therapist. I will try hard to put my life back together and continue to pray to God that my family will be together again.

Thank you all for being there and listening. ❤

 

[pigless in VA]

You will get through this. We promise. Maybe it's time to get a new horse since you only have one lonely one left. Horses can fix a lot of pain.

 

[TerriH]

Meg, been there done that. My daughter did not speak to me very much for abut 2 years, and I have never known why. And, at the time she was just your daughter's age.

I have decided that I can live without knowing why, actually. She has come back into our lives, and that is enough.

Since she is still giving you fits, then I strongly suggest that you start loving yourself and being good to yourself. Buy a book, see a movie, and remember that THIS IS NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DO OR HAVE DONE!

You did not cause this and you cannot fix this. The ball is in her court. Accept the bit of contact that she is giving you, and be kind to yourself! Because, as one who has gotten the "silent treatment", our kids will turn our hair grey.

 

[Littleboylost]

MEG
our situations are different, very different but the loss of a child is the similar thread. I went deep into a depression a very bad clinical depression. I finally went to see my doctor and was prescribed an anti depressant. It helped a tremendous amount. I am still crying a lot and sad a great deal of the time but can cope and control it so much better most days.

We do what we need to do to survive this horrific loss.

Sending you warm hugs and support.