I can't stop the pain

[rlsnights]

We bought difficult child 1's grave site and funeral plan when he was 17. We were that sure he wouldn't live to be 19. He turns 28 this month despite multiple rounds of homelessness (just got evicted again this week), drug addiction to lots of different drugs including crystal meth, and severe mood disorders with paranoid psychosis all on top of severe physical disabilities.

For a couple years after we released him to the universe I cringed every time I saw a police car near our home. I vowed I would not let them tell me he was dead because I did not want to be the one to tell his birth mother, wife.

So I have some experience with your feelings right now. And I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. Many hugs.

I can't promise you that it will all be OK. We had to grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams for our difficult child. I think that is a universal thing for parents like us. I think your task is to find enough peace with the situation that you can go on with your day to day life. To do that you will have to detach enough that you can see difficult child for who she is rather than who you hoped she would become and to see yourselves as separate people rather than the unit known as "mother and child". That took a long time for us. Once you find that balance you may discover that your relationship with difficult child gets better (as ours has done) because you are no longer fighting hard against the normal developmental task of separating from your adult child. And that is the only side of the equation you can control - your own.

It is not easy. It is very, very hard.

It took us years to get there but the process has been much easier for me in the past couple years thanks to a wonderful therapist. If you can find one to help you who has experience helping families like yours then grab it with both hands and make husband come along if possible. In our area the main organization for runaway youth offers free counseling to families with teens who are having problems. Perhaps there's one like that near you.

Peace -

Patricia

 

[Star*]

Nancy,

I'm just sending hugs. I think you've already gotten some wonderful heartfelt advice.

 

[busywend]

Nancy, I am so sorry for your pain.

I hope for you to get to a point where you start working on your strength again. You are going to need it guaranteed. She is going to head towards rock bottom - whether she gets there this time...who knows. But, she is going to ask for your help again and you need to be prepared with your answers. Use this pain to get you to where you need to be from a tough love perspective. Use this worry that is so unfairly put upon you to gain some strength for the future.

Soon you will be able to wrap up that pain and put it in the back of your brain to be unwrapped when needed.

I am truly sorry that you have to go through this.

 

[Nancy]

You have all given me so much to think about, so many words that I have typed and affixed to my fridge so I can say them over and over. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This board is my saving grace.

Busy what you just said is so relevant. I know she is going to hit bottom soon, she has gotten fired from her job, she got a letter yesterday saying she is flunking out of community college (no surprise) and she is drinking to black out stage every night. I do have to take this time to figure out what we are going to do when she comes asking for help, if she does. I know we can't go back to having her here and yet the mom in me wants to save her. We have no more money for rehab so we need to put a plan into effect. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I am trying to keep as busy as I can. I am looking for a part time job or volunteer opportunity. I already volunteer in easy child's classroom helping out her students with their reading, but I need something more time consuming.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I wish I could follow the advice I gave you....difficult child called me on my way home yesterday and I got sucked right back in. She sounded depressed and didn't exactly sound like things are very good for her right now. Yet she STILL won't go to treatment. She says she wants to live a normal life but that we want her to go to rehab and she refuses. I asked her if being homeless is better and she said yes! Ugh. She says places she has been staying have been getting raided. She has been lucky so far but it is just a matter of time before she is in the wrong place at the wrong time and she will go to jail. I try to tell her turning herself in would be better because the longer the time goes by, the harder they are going to throw the book at her. She says she knows but refuses to do the right thing. She claims we have all been dealt our cards in life. I told her she has all the power to decide which cards to keep and which ones to throw away...nothing gets through to her. Nothing.
I understand where you are coming from. The mom in me wants to run and save her, too. But what good has that done each time we have done that? I have ran to save her several times and each time we ended up in the same place. This is the hardest part of parenting ever, Nancy, but we have to do it. For them. Or they will NEVER pick themselves up.

 

[Nancy]

PatriotsGirl I truly understand. When that phone rings and you hear their voice it just starts all over again. I almost wish I would never hear from her again. If she truly wanted the help it would be one thing but like you we have done this over and over with the same outcome. I read a chat my difficult child was having with one of her "boys" and she was telling him how happy she was having moved out and that all she missed was the comforts of home at times but it was so much better being out. So why am I still worried about her then?

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

EXactly, this is what they want. Their freedom. I guess it's time to let them have it. But I totally get thinking it is easier to not talk to her. I told my husband I try to keep everything short and sweet because otherwise it opens the flood gates. And yesterday, it did. I started in on my questions and bam - flood. I won't understand her. She has no home. She floats around because she told me she never wants to outstay her welcome. Not sleeping. Having nowhere to keep your things. No bed. So, she wants to be out there, risking being somewhere when it gets raided. And that is better than going to rehab and then living at home? To her, it is. What can I do? I am adamant that she get treatment before ever living here again. Especially knowing she was using again. She claims she isn't, but I have told her she has told way too many lies for me to believe a word she tells me anymore. Got to let her be at this point.

Went to doctor today, in a LOT Of pain, so going to lay down now...prayers for you, Nancy!

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy and Patriotsgirl, I feel so much for you both. My son is so similar... the anger, the out of control behavior and this wish and need for freedom with no clue how to really be a responsible adult. He is currently in a better place than your two kids and I really hope he stays there. Yet it is so easy for me to imagine being where you are because I have been there.

Stay strong.... it doesn't help them at all to give in to their neediness and wish for your help when they are still using drugs. You are both doing great and being clear where you will help (if they are willing to do what it takes to get sober) and where you won't help (enable them to keep using). Stay strong you are doing the right thing.

And keep finding ways to take care of yourselves and to distract yourself from thinking about them and what they may or may not be doing.

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you are going through hexx. One thing that helps me is to understand that the depth of this despair is similar to what our difficult children go through. We ask them to pick themselves up, take any help provided for them and move forward in a healthy manner. It is only right that we do this for ourselves. Honestly, I do believe our burden is enormous and we need to be patient and loving with ourselves. But even though our personal burden is large, nevertheless, it is a road we must travel through. We don't seem to have a choice....the pain is here and it is real. So....recognizing that you are in profound pain...you have reached out for help. This pain you have expressed sounds like it is causing you profound heartache. I do hope that if you are not doing so already, that you will consider seeing a therapist. And if you are not doing so currently, that you will consider continued visits with Al Anon or a similar group. Inch by inch, I pray that you will resume any activities that you enjoy.

The idea of a part time job or addiitonal volunteering sounds great!

It is likely that inch by inch, you will feel better. Sending good thoughts that you will feel better soon.

 

[svengandhi]

I am so sorry for your and husband's pain and that of easy child. I hope your daughter wakes up and realizes what a wonderful family she has and what a good life she could have...

 

[Ephchap]

Nancy,

Sending gentle, comforting hugs. I know how hard this is. It just tears you up. You try to get on with things in your life knowing that they have to be the one to change things, but the mom in us does want to fix them. Unfortunately, you and I know that we can't fix them if they don't want to be fixed. Hopefully she'll be ready to ask for that help soon, and this time, really mean that she wants help - to get and stay healthy and drug free and alcohol free.

Wish there was a magic answer, but there isn't.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Bean]

The thing is, all of the things he is going to do are going to happen with or without my thoughts and interference. I said all those years ago that he took what we offered him in life and threw it away with both hands. I can no more take credit for his accomplishments than I can his failures because he wants nothing and will take nothing from us. At least, not the very limited things we have to offer him at this point in all of our lives.

So, I understand why you are grieving and what you are grieving for. I want you to know that it will get easier. It will never go away. But it will get easier.

Yes, well put. Thanks Witz.