It is one thing to make a suggestion. It is acceptable to make a recommendation for therapy or anti-depressants or whatever it is one of us thinks may help ~ it is never acceptable to add to the pain or confusion, or to fuel the self doubt, of one of the parents posting here.
Well said.
I, too, have been one to "repeatedly go around the wheel" here, only to be chastised for it. That said, I came to realize that I was working out my own feelings and thoughts on the issue. As is usually the case, it takes more than one (or two or three) iterations of the same situation before I can see things more clearly.
Personally, I think this is because it takes time for the shock value to diminish. The first time something bad happens, we freak. The second time, we freak again, and it's usually worse because we anticipate the pain to come. By the third or fourth time, though, the shock of the problem diminishes, and we start to see the problem from a different - and less emotional - perspective.
Many people here saw me go through the same cycle. I am now at a point in my life where I detach McWeedy's life and actions from my own. I still react to the impact of his actions on the family, but not like I used to. I do what I can, I act when I'm able, and I detach when I'm not in a position to do any good.
It took time to get there. wife still isn't there, which complicates things. But I finally got there.
I understand the frustration of many "old-timers" here with me, and I don't fault them for their posts. If they didn't care, they wouldn't respond. However, I also think that sometimes hindsight dulls the pain of past experiences, with some notable exceptions. It's easy to get caught in the trap of replying, then replying again, then getting frustrated and letting it show.
But the truth is that we are no different than our kids. We hear over and over again that difficult children will
not change until they
want to change, and nothing we do can force them to change. The same is true with us, the parents. We may have to live through the same experience over and over and over again until we're finally ready to accept that something else is needed - whether that be detachment, AlAnon, professional help, booting out the troublemaker, whatever. Until
we get to that point, though, we're as hard-headed as our kids.
I try to remember that whenever I post. I try to remember that whenever I read the post of another well-meaning - but frustrated - member who has beaten me over the head for the third time for the same thing. I know you all care, but none-the-less it's still painful to hear for those of us who aren't yet at the point of change, but need a place of support and peace until we're
ready to change.
Please, this isn't a condemnation, nor is it a criticism. It is simply an observation. Hopefully, years from now when I'm an old-timer myself, I remember my own words. 'Till then, I will try to always respond with compassion, solice, and whatever small guidance I'm able to offer. If I can't do that, then I'll either offer prayers and support, or I won't respond at all.
Just my two cents.
Mikey
