I don’t know what to do can someone give me any suggestions my son is 33 years old he lived with me and his older brother which is 36 now my mom and me we all live together up in Till two years ago at that time I moved to Florida because I couldn’t take anymore the two boys that were living at home with work I was working two jobs taking buses my mom was working she was 71 and I just got tired of years of coming home cleaning and working and they would sit around all day and not do anything so when I had a out I took it which ended up being an abusive relationship in Florida but what happened is my mom got cancer and she went and lived with my daughter which is 31 years old my oldest son moved with a friend and the other son the one that I’m writing this about went to Oklahoma ended up living with family members that were addicted to meth so that ended I ended up leaving the guy I was with in Florida coming back to Denver my son the one I’m telling you about came back to Denver has been living on the street cents and that’s been over a year I live with my dad at the time my son was smoking tons of pot he’s done every drug imaginable he got in a fight with my dad my dad kicked him out and that was about eight months ago nine months ago so now he’s living in a field in a tent I pay for his phone and pay for a storage unit I washed his clothes when I can I charge his phones the batteries I take him food sometimes I help him get on food stamps I don’t know what to do I feel bad for him because he’s had to quit smoking pot because there’s something called CHS if you look it up it makes you deathly sick to smoke pot he ended up quitting about two weeks ago and he was giving plasma to get money for pot but now his pulse is too high so he can’t give plasma he’s living in a tent about four blocks away from my dad’s house and he’s threatening to commit suicide I feel bad for him because he did get off of the drug he doesn’t drink but I don’t know what to do for him I’m confused because I really don’t want him around me the whole time this has been going on he lived in my car while I went to work for like four months last winter he got verbally abusive physically abusive he pushed me he’s called me every name in the book he said I hope you die well now he’s not smoking pot anymore and he’s became a lot more mellow or plus he seems very a lot nicer he’s apologized he said he’s just trying to get on his feet get an apartment I don’t know what to do for him I just feel like he tells me he’s trying to get on his feet he just needs to get up on his feet and I understand that but I don’t want to do with him I’m leaving with my dad my dad is a very difficult person and he’s very abusive and verbally to people and it’s hard enough for me to hang on and deal with my dad I only am able to do that because I work two jobs my dad is not a very sympathetic person my son came around him like a week and a half ago asking for some money my dad‘s home to get out why don’t you go kill yourself it’s what my dad told him so that doesn’t help the cause so I don’t know what to do I’m not sure I feel guilty I feel like I should help him or he said he’s going to kill himself he’s going to hang himself I don’t know what to do please can someone give me Some advice
I don't know what to do
- Thread starter Roo
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Dear Roo
So many aspects of what you're going through have happened for me, and for many if not most of the parents here: the laying around; the drugs; the suicide threats; homelessness; mooching for money; the verbal abuse. While my son has not been physically abusive with me, he is 32 now, it's not uncommon, especially on this forum.
I believe this forum will help you. It has helped me. What helps is posting every single day not just on your own threads but on others too. We all share the same story, just different names. There is only one way to get through this and that is to make distance between us and these adult children. As long as they are not taking control over and responsibility for what they do and doing things to hurt us and themselves. It is not our job as parents to be abused. We are not responsible and have no control over the behavior of other adults.
I urge you to move your post to your own thread, where others will reply to you too. Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this.
So many aspects of what you're going through have happened for me, and for many if not most of the parents here: the laying around; the drugs; the suicide threats; homelessness; mooching for money; the verbal abuse. While my son has not been physically abusive with me, he is 32 now, it's not uncommon, especially on this forum.
I believe this forum will help you. It has helped me. What helps is posting every single day not just on your own threads but on others too. We all share the same story, just different names. There is only one way to get through this and that is to make distance between us and these adult children. As long as they are not taking control over and responsibility for what they do and doing things to hurt us and themselves. It is not our job as parents to be abused. We are not responsible and have no control over the behavior of other adults.
I urge you to move your post to your own thread, where others will reply to you too. Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Acacia
Well-Known Member
No matter what issues your son is struggling with, he does not have the right to abuse you. It sounds as though you are caught in the middle between your father and your son(s). They are old enough to find their own way. Easier said than done, but you can't do it for them and allowing ANYONE to treat you badly is not acceptable. That's not a judgment; it's encouragement to turn to focus back to you and what you can do. You will always love your sons, but you must also love and protect yourself.
Here are some ideas: post and also read others' stories on this forum, find a 12 step group, listen to podcasts or youtube about boundaries and codependency, do some small nice thing for yourself. Little by little, step by step, you can begin to detach and take your life back.
I have two adult children from whom I'm estranged. I was not willing to be abused or blamed for their choices and negative consequences. It hurts to know they are struggling, but my life is much calmer, and that's the way I want it.
Here are some ideas: post and also read others' stories on this forum, find a 12 step group, listen to podcasts or youtube about boundaries and codependency, do some small nice thing for yourself. Little by little, step by step, you can begin to detach and take your life back.
I have two adult children from whom I'm estranged. I was not willing to be abused or blamed for their choices and negative consequences. It hurts to know they are struggling, but my life is much calmer, and that's the way I want it.
BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
I am so sorry and so understand your plight.
Do either of your boys work? Sounds like you and I have things in common. My daughter is your son's age and a homeless married drug addict. She won't speak to us which is okay because she is so abusive.
NarAnon or even Al-Anon, which is not just for alcoholism, saved me. It saved my husband too. We had given everything to Kay and in the end she truly just abused us and did what she wanted. We gave her more than half our retirement. Now we let her and her husband do this alone. No money. Bank of Mom is closed. She can work even.if she won't. There is food assistance, soup kitchens and free food pantries for food. They eat. They are probably both on Medicaid. They may get some form of welfare or disability. They live in a broken down motorhome on the streets of probably Arizona. She can not live with us again. She is too dangerous and we have others to think about in our family.
My husband and I also got help dealing with Kay through private therapy. I would not be where I am without this help along with 12 Step. God also helps me. My church family.is amazing.
Do try NarAnon or AlAnon. Give it six times before deciding whether to keep going or not. Right now there are a lot of virtual meetings so you don't have to leave the house. I have my weekly meeting tonight. We have therapy on Fridays. Life is good again, but it took hard work to learn how to detach with love and put ourselves and our kinder loved ones first. That once sounded so selfish to me. But Kay took all my attention and I almost divorced and the other kids felt left out. Kay has to learn to grow up. Or not. I can not take care if her forever. It's not good for her or me.
Prayers and hugs.
Do either of your boys work? Sounds like you and I have things in common. My daughter is your son's age and a homeless married drug addict. She won't speak to us which is okay because she is so abusive.
NarAnon or even Al-Anon, which is not just for alcoholism, saved me. It saved my husband too. We had given everything to Kay and in the end she truly just abused us and did what she wanted. We gave her more than half our retirement. Now we let her and her husband do this alone. No money. Bank of Mom is closed. She can work even.if she won't. There is food assistance, soup kitchens and free food pantries for food. They eat. They are probably both on Medicaid. They may get some form of welfare or disability. They live in a broken down motorhome on the streets of probably Arizona. She can not live with us again. She is too dangerous and we have others to think about in our family.
My husband and I also got help dealing with Kay through private therapy. I would not be where I am without this help along with 12 Step. God also helps me. My church family.is amazing.
Do try NarAnon or AlAnon. Give it six times before deciding whether to keep going or not. Right now there are a lot of virtual meetings so you don't have to leave the house. I have my weekly meeting tonight. We have therapy on Fridays. Life is good again, but it took hard work to learn how to detach with love and put ourselves and our kinder loved ones first. That once sounded so selfish to me. But Kay took all my attention and I almost divorced and the other kids felt left out. Kay has to learn to grow up. Or not. I can not take care if her forever. It's not good for her or me.
Prayers and hugs.
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