I don't know who I am anymore

[JaneBetty]

T Rene, the knife thing is beyond reason.
It sounds sexist to say this, maybe, but as a female, I feel much more intimidated by these kinds of actions than perhaps a man would in a similar situation.
I'd have to ask my husband if he would call the police in this situation, but I can tell you I would, most definitely.
This is just wrong, and you've got to take action before things could get worse. Your son is hurting, but he is wrong.

 

[T Rene']

What are you going to do?

I will call the authorities if he comes back I told him I would!!! He needs help !

 

[Copabanana]

I will call the authorities if he comes back I told him I would!!! He needs help !

Only you can decide the right thing to do.

The question I have for you T Rene, is this: Do you count?

You have been threatened.

That this is your son who did it, and that he may need help are secondary right now. At what point do your physical safety and emotional well-being matter?

Do you think it serves your son to get away with this threatening and implicitly violent behavior? What do you think he intended to communicate by thrusting a knife into your home?

 

[BusynMember]

I just asked my husband, a pretty fearless military vet. He said "I wouldn't call the cops but he would never come in the house again." I'm a woman. I'd call the cops. I did call the cops on my daughter when she did drugs. It didn't ruin her life or our relationship in the end. But the drugs were killing her.

Cop a raised some extremely good questions and brought up serious issues. The thrown knife was a threat. And your son may need help but you can't make him get help at his age and he could certainly get help without living in your house. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Violence is not just when somebody strikes you. A very good psychologist told me this. Violence can be verbal rage, throwing things, looming over you...doing anything to intimidate another person.

You need to decide where your owinn rock bottom is. Do you have other children at home? Grandchildren who visit?

I think age matters. Your son is not 18. He is 28. Men of his age are moving along, working productively, maybe raising a family. He wont ever get there if you protect him when he threatens you. Please...decide what is best for you and the other reasonable family members. And is it good for your son to be able to get away woth these things?

We are concerned.

 

[mof]

Please ....stay safe

 

[T Rene']

He did come back I did not answer the door only told him thru it that I was calling the cops ... He left on his own Because he knew I would! This time he worried me with his knife ... I hate that he is like this now.. this is not who I raised

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry T Rene. I know how it hurts.

 

[BusynMember]

We raise them well and hope they adapt good values but it doesn't always happen. It is not your fault.

Gentle hugs.

 

[mof]

Feeling your pain...enough is enough...we all get there I suppose. Put you first.

 

[Albatross]

This time he worried me with his knife ... I hate that he is like this now.. this is not who I raised

I'm so sorry, T Rene. No, this is not the child you nurtured and guided. That person is not in control right now.

I am glad he is not in your home. I am glad you told him not to come back. Please stay safe.

As far as feeling like you don't know who you are anymore, I know just how you feel and have felt that way so many times.

I feel like I have been cast in an impossible role, because striving to be the mother I want to be with a person who acts like my son does not work. I am forced to be the mother I am not. I lose sight of who I am.

Im tryin to do this the right way because I know it will enable him if I do much ... thank you I can tell by the way you say this You have been where Im at

When I get caught up in this kind of maelstrom, it helps me to remember that not only do I not control the outcome, I don't even FORESEE the outcome. I can only do the thing I think is best. I can only be the parent, and the person, I strive to be.

 

[Lucyxyz]

I'm going through pretty much what you are. I have literally shut off. I don't want to be his other anymore and that of course makes me feel even worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this

 

[Lucyxyz]

I do not think we do our children any good to protect them from themselves, or shield them by denying the consequences of their behavior to us.

To me, you are handling the situation with your son exactly correctly.

Who created the consequence, that he is unwelcome unsupervised in your house? YOU? I don't think so....

You are calling a spade a spade. He knows this. He is the one who brings in his homees. He is the one who ransacks your things.

What he is doing, the drama queen, oh whoa is me, is manipulative and cruel. I might call him on it.

My attitudes and choices with respect to you and your presence are a direct consequence of your behavior towards me. And equally important, your behavior towards yourself. To me, you are not remembering the values with which you were raised. Until you do I will respond according to the behavior you do exhibit. If you do not like it, change or leave. Your choice.

A good mother is not defined as having a sunny disposition and uniformly saying yes to all things. A good mother is one who offers comfort when she can and holds the line when she cannot.

Did your son depend upon you in his childhood only to feed him and to hold his hand and clean him up? No. He depended on you to tell him no, to lock the door, and to supervise him when he was playing on the street.

Your son is forgetting (conveniently) your true and proper role. It is entirely fair for you to remind yourself to take heart, and to tell him the reality of things, as appropriate... if you feel it is safe to do so.

He may be volatile and irresponsible so you may not want to voice the words. But you can think them.

Hats off to you. Give yourself praise. Not criticism and second-guessing.

I like your description of a 'good mother'. It's so spot on

 

[T Rene']

I'm going through pretty much what you are. I have literally shut off. I don't want to be his other anymore and that of course makes me feel even worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this

I know it is such a horrible feeling To the point when he does get so hateful I think to myself Did I do something to provoke him ? Then I say No Its not me He is out of control & I have been put on a roller coaster... For you as well ... I try to stay strong

 

[Copabanana]

Did I do something to provoke him ?

This is mother blame. STOP IT!!!

If it is your fault, then it is my fault. Where does this stop? When do these grown adults begin to be responsible for themselves, their lives, their choices?

 

[BusynMember]

How your son behaved is not normal and you can not provoke most older teens to behave like him. I've raised four of them. It is out of the norm of the behavior of even a teen that IS provoked. At least a typical teen. Had a few.

I also wonder if there is more than pot going on. We thought with daughter it was just pot. In truth, after she quit using everything, she told all.

Actually, to my horror, she cried while telling me she had regularly used cocaine, meth, psychfelivcs and any kind of speed...my jaw had to be scraped off the floor. We both hugged. It was so emotional and I felt so stupid but I really, even as an attentive, stay at home mom, thought "just pot."

In truth, I wanted it to be just pot so I believed it.

Honestly I had never found anything but pot.

I think we never know what our kids are using. Weed has a strong smell. Other drugs don't.

Violent rage and behavior is usually not just pot unless it is laced with other stuff. Keep an open mind about what may be going on.

Either way it is not any of our faults. We did not teach them to behave this way or do these things. Drugs alter the mind.

 

[Kathy813]

T Rene, please get a restraining order ASAP. You need the law behind you. They will serve him the restraining order and he will have to stay away.

If he violates the restraining order, call the police. Your son is dangerous right now. The knife was a threat whether he threw it at you or the wall.

I think you need a break from him right now. If you eventually feel that he is getting his life together, you could agree to meet him in a public place like a restaurant.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near your house for the time being.

Please check your locks. Do you have a security system?

~Kathy

 

[T Rene']

T Rene, please get a restraining order ASAP. You need the law behind you. They will serve him the restraining order and he will have to stay away.

If he violates the restraining order, call the police. Your son is dangerous right now. The knife was a threat whether he threw it at you or the wall.

I think you need a break from him right now. If you eventually feel that he is getting his life together, you could agree to meet him in a public place like a restaurant.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near your house for the time being.

Please check your locks. Do you have a security system?

~Kathy

Thank you Its not supposed to be this way , but agreed he is not welcome at my house I have cut ties & it hurts very much... this isnt the first time he has threatened Its just the first time he has taken it to this level . Prayers are needed plzzz

 

[RN0441]

Watching this thread. Heart goes out to you. Prayers too.

Stay strong. It's not supposed to be like this....but it is.

Have been through so much with our son too. Him being away has been best for all of us.

 

[WannabeAgoodFather]

Saying things that hurt your feeling is completely different from putting a knife on your door in my humble opinion. I would definitely let him know that he has crossed the line and you have no choice but to protect yourself. Calling police seems to be inevitable and restraining order should be considered. The whole situation is not good the way it seems.. I am sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

I know you feel horrible but not because you did anything wrong but because he is making those choices and wanting to blame you when in deed he's to blame or in a sense he chose that. I promise your doing everything right and with a lot of courage and love