I got the warrant in the mail today

[meowbunny]

Shawna, she didn't run away because of what YOU did. She ran because she didn't want to face the consequences of what SHE did. It really was her choice. If a stranger had stolen your credit card, you would have pressed charges. Even though she is ill, she has to live in this world, not the world of her choosing. You can save her until you die but she'll never learn anything that way. Or you can take the hard road and make her suffer the consequences of her actions. That's what you did. She made her choice. She left you no choice.

As to what she is doing while on the run, again they are her choices. Jail is not easy. The life she is presently living is not easy. Something tells me that were she prostituting herself, the girl who told you she was dealing drugs would have known she was selling her body. Let's face it, prostitutes really do dress to show their wares. The girl would have known and would have been able to tell you that your daughter could be found on that street every night. That wasn't what she said. Yes, the odds are the man she was talking is grooming her to be part of his stable but it doesn't happen overnight for most girls. It is a process. Dealing drugs is, sadly, part of it. But if she makes enough dealing, she won't be selling herself. Her risks are high either way. Let's hope the police pick her up soon.

I know it's hard but please quit blaming yourself. You did what you had to do in an attempt to save her from herself. She really is the one choosing her life right now.

Believe it or not, girls do survive and change. I believe that TylerFan's daughter did many of the same things your daughter has done or may do if she's not arrested. She's turned around tremendously. There are board members who have "lived the life." They've turned into remarkable women that I am honored and humbled to be able to just know from here. My daughter was close to living your daughter's life but decided this was not the life for her. She's now working, has her own apartment and is making plans for a true future. Your daughter is young. She has a long way to go before she truly grows up. This is a very nasty bump on her road but it doesn't have to be the mountain she climbs for the rest of her life.

For you, HUGS!

 

[Rotsne]

Bran/Shawna:

Dont blame yourself. Yes, you called the police and the gamble turned wrong. But what would have happened if you didn't? What would have been the next thing she would have stolen from you?

Unfortunately it is a bad as it can get. While I would hate my daughter to sell her body, dealing drugs means that she could end up being responsible for the death of another person. When it comes to the law dealing with such cases, she could end up in a situation where there is nothing to learn because the sentence would be so long that her life would be over. Here in Denmark it is not against the law for a student to sell his or her body as long as they do it without help from anyone organizing the sale. So we see a lot of cases where students offers a night "with all included" for 2-400 dollars and the payment is done in various articles for the study.

While consumption of alcohol among youth is ignored by the police because it is legal for them to purchase it once they are 16, drugs are investigated very thorough. I don't know the laws in your country. I don't know how many months/years dealing with drugs can earn her.

It is really a loose-loose situation. Prison doesn't help, having her on the streets either. She should be sent out of state to start over en another community without the bad peergroup. I dont know how to offer a solution. As I see it I can only offer you my sincere support and many hugs. Regards.

 

[bran155]

Thank you guys!!! I really do feel better just hearing from you that I did the right thing. I do believe I did. If I had it to do over I would have done the same thing. It's just hard to know that my daughter is out there on the streets. She has squandered every opportunity she has had to improve her life and believe me she has had plenty!!!

Meowbunny, I hope you are right. I hope one day when she starts to really mature she does turn it around. I know she has the potential, I just don't think she knows it. Just hearing that Tylerfan's daughter was very similar and did turn it around gives me hope!! So thank you for telling me that. And you are right, these are her choices. Even though she is unstable right now and not on her medications she still knows right from wrong. All I can do now is leave it in God's hands and pray that she comes out of this okay.

Thanks again. You guys ALWAYS make me feel better.

 

[klmno]

Bran, I'm trying to look at it like this- if you chose to enable (or did it unknowingly) she would get a lot worse than this and hurt the family and herself a lot more before hitting bottom and maybe trying to get help- and it would be harder for her to get help. This way, it gives her a better chance of hitting bottom sooner rather than later and she's still so young, it might not be easy but it won't be as hard to get help in the near future as it will be 10 or 20 years down the road.

Now, I do realize that it's pretty easy for me to say that- I'm not walking in your shoes and my son hasn't gotten that age or left home and doing these things yet, so I say it and mean it but with the understanding that I don't know if I could stand going thru that much tough love or not. But, I do think you're doing the right thing. And, it is good that you could probably get some help to find her or get a message to her if some major emergency came up and you chose to. And, it appears that one of these friends could get a message to you if she got seriously injured or something.

 

[bran155]

klmno, you are so right. I really never looked at it like that before. And truthfully, if I were to go out and drag her home I would only be prolonging what would inevitably (spelling?) happen in 2 months when she turns 18. Whats really sad is that my daughter really does like this ghetto, gansta lifestyle. I always thought that was just an act but maybe that is who she really is. Even when she is home she has that gangsta face on, she speaks to us as if we were her fellow gang members. It's just so hard to swallow as we are so NOT a ghetto family. It's as if someone else raised her, somewhere in the ghetto. She acts as if we live in an areas where she has to behave that way to survive and WE SO DON'T!!!! We aren't rich, we do not live in a big house in the hills but we live in a decent area where she is safe. She is bi-racial, her dad is African American and I am white but she hates the white side to her. She tells people she is spanish and black, she won't admit to being white. I can't tell you how many times she has told me she hates white people and wishes she had a black mother. Her black side of the family pays no attention to her whatsoever. She has not spoken to her father in over a year. Her therapist said that is so unusual, typically if a child is bi-racial she would normally identify more with the side of the family that has been there for her. She said that usually a child will shun the race of the parent who is not in her life. Total opposite in my case. And I don't take that personally, I know she is just trying to find herself. I am fine with her identifying with whatever race she is comfortable with. I just wish she would make better choices with regards to the kind of people she associates with, no matter the race. Why is it that teenagers in general love the seedy parts of life, especially difficult children???

Anyway klmno, thank you for opening my eyes to look at this situation from a different perspective. You are so right, if I went out to look for her and tried once again to "fix" her life I would only be enabling her to keep on messing it up as she would keep on expecting me to be her "savior". I pray she is caught soon.

Thanks again.

 

[klmno]

I'm glad you feel better Bran! I think MB and others were trying to say something similar- in regards to your daughter needing her own personal wak up call in order to accept help. She sounds a lot like me at that age- no one understood why I liked hanging out on the "wrong side of the tracks". Another thing that actually helped me- when all the people I'd known were finally away from me and I got to do everything I wanted without fear of their yelling and belittling (I'm not suggesting you do that, but my family did) and trying to control my life, I did go wild for quite some time. But, I also got to a point that I realized they really couldn't control my life- it was mine to live how I saw fit- and then I started asking myself how I wanted to live my life. So, I did seek out help to overcome my bigger issues and get my life turned around, but in my case having such a controlling and dysfunctional family, it was so I could become who I wanted to be, not to get their approval. Maybe your daughter has some identity issues (it sounds like she does) and she needs that "freedom" to know that she can scr*w up her life if she wants- maybe this is what it will take for her to get to a point where she decides then, that she really doesn't want to blow all her chances.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Nothing to add. Just more (((hugs)).

 

[ThreeShadows]

Wow, Bran! That's some statement on her part about her feelings toward African-Americans: she's acting like they are ALL gangstas! That in itself is racist and negating the impact of the new President to be.

I'm sorry that you are going through the pain and rejection of your family's values. There's always the hope that maturity will help her see the light, eventually...

 

[janebrain]

Hi Bran,
I was talking with my difficult child 1 last night and she mentioned how she was determined to do whatever was the opposite of what I wanted her to do when she was a teen. She says she thinks she had ODD as a child too. She says now she doesn't understand why she felt like that, it seems stupid to her now. I think once she felt in control of her own life and choices she didn't feel she had to rebel anymore. I wasn't telling her what to do or what she ought to do, etc. I think maybe when your dtr sees that she is in control (and she will be 18 soon, thank goodness) of her choices she may make different ones. At least she won't feel so compelled to do something based on whether she thinks you approve of it or not. I think it's sad when they seem to be living their lives in a way that is dangerous just to spite us.
Take care,
Jane

 

[bran155]

Thank you for sharing that Jane. I hope my daughter will have an awakening as your daughter seemed to have. I'm glad your daughter is doing better.

ThreeShadows, I think you misunderstood what I said. My daughter is not racist towards black people, she loves black people, it's white people she doesn't like. And I don't even think that she doesn't like white people. I just think she is confused about where she belongs in society. She identifies more with the black side to her. She says to me that she hates white people out of anger for me, her white evil mother!!! lol She likes the gangsta lifestyle, white or black, as long as they have a rap sheet and their pants are hanging off their butts she connects with them no matter what their race is. I do believe she is confused about being bi-racial, but I also think she is just confused about her place in the world due to her illness and lack of self worth. My family is multi-cultured, black, white, spanish, itilian, irish, we have a rainbow of nationalities in my family. We are not a racist family on any level. Race has never been an issue in my home. My daughter's views come from within her and her lack of confidence, lack of direction, she is just lost and trying to find her way. She is absolutely elated about having a black president as am I and the rest of my family for that matter. I don't know, I hope and pray she will find peace within herself. I hope and pray she will find a place where she is comfortable that does not involve convicts and gang members!!! Thank you for your support.

 

[Jena]

hi Bran i haven't been back on this, i hope you are feeling better. it's been such a rough run for you

(((hugs)))

 

[katya02]

Shawna, I just wanted to send more hugs and support. You've succeeded in detaching in such a difficult situation. I think I would have a hard time being as generous as you, I seem to dwell more on my frustration. Your attitude encourages me to try to be more hopeful while still detaching. Thanks!

 

[bran155]

Thank you for thinking of me Jen!!!

katya - Wow, thank you for that!!! I am so happy that "little ole' me" was able to open your eyes to see that there is some hope. I never actually think of myself as a "helper" on the board, more so the "needy one". So, thank you for making my day!!!