I have no self esteem

[Confused]

So all these years, issues at school, my weight, not smart or pretty, don't have a good vocabulary, I say and do the wrong things, being controlled and not being able to stop it. Not being able to help my family, (strangers ) mentally , physically and financially really makes me feel like . I have so many regrets.

It's like I'm jelous, I AM jelous of parents and families who don't have these issues. I feel so guilty feeling this way. I love my kids n family, id have them all over again. I would. I'm in like the middle trying to get to the top. I know what I want in life, what I want for my kids, etc. But it's getting there, I should of been there already. How do we get there? I want more for us, is that too much to ask for?

I have sooo many future dreams, plans, wishes, goals. I want to help others ( not be a shrink), I want my own buisness, I want the kids to be OK and love and respect themselves. I even have my dreams fixing our yard to a shaded oasis!

Outings is drama, so is home. But if I can't help my own to child, how can I help others? Why do they take it out on us but rarely at school or friends houses? Why is it easier to care for other kids or people with issues? I've read and talked to people that says basically same as me. The ones who care the most get beat up the most. Sad.

 

[KTMom91]

Confused, I've been there. Still am there in some ways. I'm significantly overweight (been referred for gastric bypass), I have fibromyalgia, and though I'm no longer fielding calls from the school, my darling daughter needs some help adulting sometimes. My career is not what I had planned, but I'm all right with it.

I thought I'd never survive the open warfare in my living room, but Miss KT did mature, graduate both high school and college, got married five years ago, and is thriving. I don't know how it happened, or what I did or didn't do, but we survived.

You are all right. Your feelings are valid. Your dreams are realistic and can happen. You are enough. Don't beat yourself up - easier said than done, I know. Hugs. Things can get better.

 

[Wiped Out]

Confused, I sending hugs your way. There was a time I wondered if things would ever get better. That time lasted for years.

Things did get better.

Don't feel guilty. I used to joke that while others took their kids to sports several days a week, I took my son to therapy twice a week. Even though we we joked about it there was some hurt mixed in there as well. I think it's natural.

 

[BusynMember]

Confused, I was just developing self esteem at your age. I had just married my husband and was in therapy, as I always had been. I learned slowly that you sometimes had to let go of expectations of others in your family. My mother hated me and after trying hard to win her love (although it had never been good with her toward me). Eventually I did something she REALLY didnt like, although I did it for my kids, it was not a criminal act and at one point I asked my husband to csll my mother and tell her to never call my oldest son again as she barely new him (didnt know any of my kids) but she sneakily wanted his social security number so she could do what I felt was unfair to all my kids.....without our permission.

Fortunately my son was just sixteen, hadnt used his social yet and didnt know it. So he couldnt tell her. He came downstairs upset and said Grandma said he was a liar. I didnt think she would listen to me as much as my husband, a man she had never met, but he could sound very tough without swearing or being abusive. He called and told her to never call Bart again. She never did but she never forgave me for having him "disrespect" her and i was more of an outcast after that.

Confused, I gave up eventually trying to please my family and I found I did well ..better even...without putting up with their constantly telling me how I was bad, abusive, a problem. My brother wrote me a snail mail letter that started "These are the things that bother me about you."

I was strong enough by then to stop reading and gave it to hub who scanned it, mumbled about my crazy family, and tore it into little pieces. I never knew what he said about me that was so horrible and that was a kind thing I did for myself. Not reading it.

As time went on I paid less and less attention to these seeming enemies who are my DNA. I could see that my family of choice and other people liked me so I gained lots of self esteem.

Confused, you may do better if you minimize contact with anyone who demeans you or makes you feel badly about yourself. And you will feel better if you stop feeling wrongly that you can magically fix anyone, especially your kids. It is only them who can do it.

Are you in therapy? Therapists can be great at teaching us how to be good to ourselves. Without therapy I may still be the same mess trying to make people who thought ill of me love me. That is a self esteem killer. And I blamed myself for everything others blamed me for. I am angry at myself now for doing that.

You are kind and giving even when you are abused. I was too sort of but I stuck up for myself more (which just made them meaner to me). Confused, you dont need to surround yourself with negativity. Please dont. Please seek therapy. You can change how you feel about yourself. I really like me now. I used to hate me. I used to believe what these negative people told me about myself. Now I realize it was more about them and more specifically my mother than it was about me.

I hope you take steps to get help so you can love yourself and be good to yourself. That way you will meet people who respect you, men included. Your kids will respect you too when you like yourself.

I hope you take time to do all the hard stuff you have to do to get to that place of contentment. You can do it if I did it. It isnt easy and you may have to pull back from some DNA that is unkind to you, which is frowned on by society. &$@# society. We MUST take care of ourselves. If we dont nobody else will. It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself or to say BYE or NO to others. You and I dont have the ability to help our loved ones. They have to do it. But we can learn to stand strong and be good to us. There is no reason you cant have a business that is for the greater good but nobody can help everyone. Your kind intentions are enough. You are enough. Honest. Your heart is full of love and you deserve some back. Ask for it without words. Do it by acting like you care about yourself. People will start treating you better.

Much love and light. You can do this.

 

[Copabanana]

Confused. I am falling asleep but want to tell you this. You remind me so much of me.

I am so impressed. Your sincerity and yearning. Being so in touch with your feelings. Your honesty and clarity. The last thing you are is confused.

You are strong. You have goals. You are loving and responsible. You are altruistic and want to be of service.

I want to say two things: please stop beating yourself up. The shoulds. Stop it!!

Comparing only hurts us. We are running our own race.

The other thing is this: what has helped me is stuff for me. Exercise. Art. Needlework. Music. Spirituality. Being in nature. My cat. Reading.

I have found going inside is the key.

I spent a life on goals. .success. . it was okay but in itself it does not bring real contentment and peace and meaning: Connection and service and creativity and being in our bodies.

You are on the path. It is not about have or have not. You are on your path. That's all anybody is doing. If they are lucky.

 

[Elsi]

Confused you are not alone. When every day feels like a battlefield your self esteem can take a beating. I have felt everything you’re feeling - guilt, jealousy, regret. And the same dreams, too. I could have written most of your post myself, especially during the years my children were still home. It’s a little easier now that they are out and my home is my peaceful oasis. When you’re in the thick of it, I think all you can do is practice self care, be gentle with yourself, and remind yourself that life goes in seasons. The things that are hardest now will pass. There will be other hard things, but you will also achieve some of those dreams, too, and find more space in your life for yourself. Please be gentle with yourself. We are all dealing with hard stuff, and doing the best we can.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Confused.

I just saw this.

How are you doing?

You have been through some terrible things lately, with your dad’s passing and all that that entailed, so I’m sure you are feeling especially low right now. It is to be expected.

Let us know how you are doing.

Apple