I hope they are wrong

[Tryintocope]

Her threat, a graphic one, to hurt you is not autism.

Be careful if you do think she may have Autism Spectrum Disorders (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). People who have it can turn on even family. Use your judgment.

Hugs.

Thank you, somewhereoutthere. I think you meant if we think she does have aspd? Yes, i will be careful. As much as i love her, i would send her out if she actually tried to hurt me. I have others i need to be here for too. I admit now that i can "see" im feeling kind of bad others in my life came second and third after the chaos. Im going to try to make up for that. But I'm going to try to get her to be more self sufficient so i know she can take care of herself. Her plan, as was ours, was for her to stay with us until she got thru community college (3 yrs from now, if all goes well), then transition her to campus housing at a 4 yr university for a bachelors degree. Then on her own. Thats if she gets thru community college. The ability is there. She sometimes lacks motivation and gets lazy and has "illnesses" that prevent her from attending. This will be a struggle, but unless i feel im in real danger, i want to try to see it thru. I want her to have a chance at a good life, if possible. Maybe the family therapy will help. The therapist has already called her out on some issues and she is finding out she cant fool everyone with charm, and her therapist has shown her- thru her questions -that she does see her manipulation tactics. And she did agree to attend anger management classes if i can find some close by for her. She knows she goes over the top when angry, and knows society wont accept that. She seems to want to succeed in life, and from being around her acquantances who have monied families, perhaps that will motivate her enough to finish school.she is driven by fine things and extravagances. If it gets her thru college, i say let her spend her salary afterward on whatever designer stuff she wants. At least i will know she can take care of herself then.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, I meant antisocial personality disorder.

I wish you the best.

 

[jetsam]

trying, I fell into the trap of the threats with school etc.. but he ended up dropping out in his senior year of high school anyway. Nothing i said made any difference. But its funny when HE finally decided what he wanted he was able to get his GED and then went on to get his associates degree in culinary arts. The point is they are soo manipulative and we just cave because we are so invested in them. But all we are really doing is prolonging the chaos. When I started to detach somewhat (I'm not fully there yet by any means) He started to do more for himself cuz mom wasn't gonna! When i saw that he was much more capable then i imagined I realized that I was so codependent upon him it wasn't funny. I started reading the book titled "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie- WHAT AN EYE OPENER that was!! talk about taking a good look in the mirror. It wasn't easy to see myself in that role but there it was staring me straight in the face. So now I'm trying to work on my codependent behavior. I have good days and bad days but ill keep plugging along cuz i know the sooner i get out of his business the better it will be for both of us. He is still living at home...we let him come back after a period of being on his own, something my husband and i should have never allowed, (codependency once again) and we rue the day we did! Until they see that they can't continually get what they want by their unacceptable behavior they will continue to exhibit it to varying degrees. So good luck with your daughter and take strength from all the people here. we are all on the same journey just taking different roads to our destination.

 

[A dad]

Wanting to suceed is something antisocial personality disorder do want that is something that is not affected.
She will get out of your house and hope that she will ruthless like a great business man but it will totally be legal and according to our society she will be worshiped. I doubt she will ever hit you she will abuse you verbally and well try to manipulate you.

 

[mof]

Tryintocope,

You have a lot on your plate and have sacrificed so much for her.

I understand giving her the best chance in life, I pray she takes it.

Hugs for the journey.. nothing is easy anymore!

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Tryin,
Getting caught up on your post. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I'm so glad you found us here. It is not easy to be the parent of an adult difficult child.
It's obvious you love your daughter very much. You have put forth so much effort to help her. There comes a point where we have to ask ourselves is our "helping" helping or is it hurting. There is a fine line that is so easy to cross from helping to enabling. We don't set out to enable, it just sort of happens and years can go by before we see it for what it is.
One of the best things we can do for our adult difficult children is to let them experience the consequences of their actions. It's a hard thing to do. It feels unnatural because we as mothers are supposed to protect our children. We are supposed to make sure they don't get hurt. It's important to learn how to detach from those emotions. One thing I have learned is our adult children learn very quickly how to use our emotions against us.
There is nothing wrong with helping our kids but if we don't have strong, clear boundaries in place our kids will take advantage of us.
The article on detachment is a great tool. It's something you should print out and read often.

Please let us know how things are going.

 

[savior no more]

Tryin -
Your story with your daughter mimics mine with my son to a T. I started at a very young age trying to find solutions to his problems from a young age. My feeling sorry for him kept me hooked for many years into his "sad" story all the while he manipulated me big time. There came a point where with time and detachment I saw this and also he had gotten himself into positions where I couldn't be held responsible for his actions and his life. My son has many diagnosis but in the end it comes down to him either deciding to have a different life (or one I deem acceptable) or the one his choices have created. I can still feel guilty and feel sorry for him but none of this changes the fact that it is his life to live and I did the level best I could to try to raise him. Medication has helped him with anger issues when he is willing to take it. At other times he's been out on the streets selling and doing drugs. Because he is of legal age now, I can't impact those choices. I still love him very much and hope good things for him, but I don't hold my life and actions on getting him to some point in the future to where all will be well. I've pretty much given up that illusion and just live today.

Your daughter is holding you hostage at times with making you responsible for her happiness and threatening "bad" outcomes if you don't cater to her demands. My son did this to me for many years. He would threaten things and when I finally called his bluff and got some of my power back he started having to suffer the consequences of his actions. Many of these were not pretty and he came close to dying a few times. At no point since I quit taking responsibility for his happiness have I returned to that place of feeling like if I didn't do something it would be horrible. It isn't easy watching his life, but it's certainly easier than feeling responsible for it.

I'm glad you found this site. I have found wisdom and strength from the members here who have also walked the gosh-awful task of having these Difficult Adult Children.