I just need prayer!

[standswithcourage]

Please pray for me and my son. He will go to court - again - for simple possession of marijuana. He has been living with another family - I wont say it is a great situation - however, he almost died last week from an overdose of seroquel given to him by the ER! Anyway - today he went to an outpatient treatment facility here in our city. I hope he is serious. Who knows! I am just worn out - pray for me also because I tend to slip back into old ways - defects of character! I can sense it when I start to feel like fixing his problem. It is so hard to give up your heart - I feel like that is what I am doing. thanks.

 

[Hound dog]

Susan I'm saying prayers for both you and your son. I too hope he is serious. Only time will tell.

I know it's hard. And I know it's easy to fall back into old habits. If you have to, keep your distance from him for a while to avoid temptation.

((hugs))

 

[BusynMember]

Susan, of course you have prayers and lots of hugs coming your way. It's never easy to watch our kids self-destruct and feel helpless. We remember when they were just little ones and we did all we could to hold their hands and dress them warm so they wouldn't get hurt or get sick. But there comes a time when there is nothing we CAN do except pray. I hope that this is a lightbulb moment for your precious son.

 

[slsh]

Susan - you've been on my mind the last month or so as my difficult child is heading down the same road, fast. It's an unbearable place to be. There is help available, just for the asking, but our kids just seem intent on making the same dangerous choices over and over. I'm truly thankful for the decade of parents' experiences that I've witnessed as we enter the dark dark side here now, but I also am starting to really empathize with what I've interpreted as your (and others') panic and need to do something - anything. I truly thank you for sharing your journey - it is helping me personally.

Of course, good thoughts headed your way. I hope that your son is able to make a better choice. As for you slipping back into old ways, it's not a defect of character. It's part of motherhood to want our kids to be okay.

My self-talk goes like this these days- I have no control over my son's choices. If *I* could fix it, we wouldn't be here now. I love him more than life itself. I cannot rescue him when he refuses to rescue himself. I can work on keeping myself and the rest of the family emotionally healthy while difficult child spirals. The resources for him are right in front of his face - he's blind to them. Serenity prayer - a lot.

Stay strong, Susan. I hope there's the best possible outcome for him.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Susan, you have been on my mind as well.

Prayers for your son, and prayers for you too.

 

[everywoman]

Susan, You have grown so since you first arrived here. You are stronger now. All of us have those same thoughts---maybe if I help this time, it will be different. It won't be. The only help you offer is to help him find somewhere to go to recovery. That's it. Hugs. And prayers....Continue to repeat the Serenity Prayer!

 

[bran155]

Sending many (((HUGS))) and lots of prayers your way.

I hope everything works out with court and that he stays in treatment!!!

Hang in there, there just has to be better days to come!

 

[DammitJanet]

I hope things work out for him.

On the seroquel OD...You cant OD on it. You can get very sleepy and sleep for a long time but there is something built into that medication that prevents people from ODing on it.

 

[standswithcourage]

It is a wonder he didnt die on the Seroquel - he had also been drinking that day. Anyway, he didnt go to jail today. He is on 6 months probation - drug tests - drug classes which he was already going to - we will probably have to provide transportation - he still doesnt live at home - I believe the man that he lives with (man, wife, mother) does crack (according to my son) so that is not a great place for him to be - anyway so today he gets alcohol and says he is going to find some xanax on the street because he cant smoke pot anymore and needs medications for his nerves - he wants me to pay for a doctor and probably buy the prescriptions - I told him I couldnt - i feel like a drug dealer when I do that and I am tired of it. I told him to ask his group tomorrow when he goes to see what they say and his counselor or whoever. What is he supposed to do if he cant smoke weed for his nerves?!!!!!!! He will drive me crazy. He is still looking for a job. He is supposed to go to Voc. Rehab tomorrow and then to his drug class at night. I just know we will be running our legs off and I hate to say it but I dont like that part. I am glad he is going and I will do anything to help him - he wants to take suboxone - it is $100. a week. Right now we are trying to pay off bills in case my husband gets laid off from engineering company - who knows - so all this money comes in to play - on one hand I want him to get better and be ok but on the other hand it is always about take me to the doctor, prescriptions, I want suboxone, etc. what should i think about that? I am going to a counselor on the 23rd. It seems like a long time!!!!!

 

[Suz]

Susan, please read the following articles. The first one describes suboxone's purpose.

http://www.softlandingrecovery.com/suboxone.html

This article defines what an "opiate" is.
http://www.answers.com/topic/opiate

and this...about marijuana...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070923195139AAjdEEP

Please note that pot is not listed as an opiate, therefore suboxone would be useless and a waste of money.

He is either misguided in his information or deliberately trying to scam you of money.

Detach, detach, detach....and good luck!

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

Suz - what is that site on detachment again? I just have a hard time detaching when I am "in" the situation - how do I detach but continue to care and not let him persuade me into doing something for him that may be not good? thanks for the information.

 

[Suz]

Susan, I wish for you the relief of understanding that detaching does not mean that you don't love your son.

I love Rob with all of my heart. That said, I believe that one of the greatest gifts I've been able to give him is to let him learn from his mistakes and to take responsibility for them. To see him now, compared to where he was a few years ago brings me so much joy...and even better, it brings HIM a lot of joy. He is not perfect. He still makes mistakes. But he is proud of himself now and recognizes how far he's come, too- it's wonderful!

Your son is 25. It is time that he is given that gift from you, too.

The thread on things to say that has been so helpful for many of us is in our archives...and also here:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/list-of-things-to-say-when-detaching.685/

Suz

 

[BusynMember]

Susan, if he drank while on Seroquel the Seroquel didn't almost kill him. His own stupidity did because drinking with any medication can kill you. Can't blame the doctors who prescribed a legitimate drug, not knowing he'd go out and probably drink A LOT of alcohol. Also, if you have bills to pay and you're still paying for your son and driving him around, well, he isn't learning anything. He CAN'T hold a job while he's still running around looking for Xanax. I would NOT help him do this. Xanax is widely abused...sounds like he could be addicted to it. It doesn't take long to get addicted to it if you take large quantities. I can't stress enough that YOU CAN NOT HELP HIM. You haven't helped him so far. Here I thought you were doing better. You're going to beggar yourself, and nothing will change. Nothing HAS changed except he is more manipulative than ever. His drug use hasn't waned at all. You do need to detach. That's NOT stopping your love. That is stopping your enabling of his behavior. If he wants to self-destruct you don't need to be a part of his sad journey by driving him around, handing him money (that he will use for drugs rather than his stated purpose) or paying for "treatment" that he has no intention of following. I have two adopted kids with birthparents who are drug addicts. Both keep getting deeper and deeper into drugs--one has an especially loving family, but he is 37 and back in prison again (not just jail now, but prison) for stealing a vehicle, related to his drug use. The other has an STD and I hear she looks like death. Their families did all they could...almost went broke...trying to fix them. Birthmother left rehab TWELVE times. This is birthfather's fourth stint in prison. Nobody is helping anymore. NObody can afford to anymore. An addict ceases to be the person they used to be--they will manipulate you and take you for all you've got, even if they love you. I'm sorry that this is continuing by you can't help your son. In fact, you can enable him.

 

[CrazyinVA]

we will probably have to provide transportation

I just know we will be running our legs off and I hate to say it but I dont like that part.

I don't understand either of these statements... you don't "have" to provide anything. You don't have to "run your legs off." Getting places is HIS responsibility, not yours.

Driving him places is YOUR CHOICE. If you don't like doing it, stop it.

Please, stop the enabling. MW is right, he's not learning anything here. He's still manipulating you, big time. Nothing is going to change. Nothing HAS changed.

Sigh.

 

[Star*]

Susan,


I'm so sorry your son chooses to still make poor choices for himself; despite having a Mom that really loves him and would do anything to help him because while I know you love him - ANYTHING isn't necessarily what we need to do as parents.

Sometimes - NOTHING is the best thing we can do as parents. Without a doubt despite all the interventions I lived through with people in my life who had addiction problems, sadly sometimes the ONLY thing that helped either of us was my not being there to watch them self-destruct.

And you say, BUT STAR - He's my son. I HAVE, I MUST, I NEED....and the last statement is the only one that is really true....YOU NEED. Not him - he doesn't need you. Not at this point in his life. What he needs is to show you that he's TRYING.

When I hear "I'm out of court. yeah - can you take me to get Suboxone, or I'm going to get messed up sideways and find Zanax and booze..." It screams to me -

MOM??????? ANYONE THAT LOVES ME???? GET AWAY FROM ME.

It's just being said in an addicts language - one which I'm so sorry I even understand.

Susan....I think you're a good Mom. Not flawless, not perfect....but your heart has always been for your children. Sometimes we think that leaving our children means we don't love them. That's not so. Leaving them means we love them SO much - we are willing to let them go and THEN I'll pray that he asks for His divine help. Not mine.

When Suz would write about Rob, Dude was only a small boy. I would see her post, and cry, and worry, and the things that she posted about him doing with cars, and computers and drugs and booze and I was just AWE struck and literally gobsmacked by her resolve, and countless other parents that had so much LOVE for their children that they literally turned their backs and walked away to make sure - SURE that their sons and daughters HAD a Mom to return to. Because if they had stayed? If they had persisted in "fixing" things? They'd probably had heart attacks from broken hearts because these kids CAN be helped - but at this point? ONLY if you continue to make choices for yourself and stay your distance.

When my son was young and I read their stories, and how they found their own solutions I would think - HA....that will never be ME - I'll never turn my back, I'll never be MEAN like them - I'll figure out a way to fix my kid and help him and I"LL BE THE MOM....(insert SUPER MOM LOGO)

and you know what? My son has seen more of my back and less of me in the last year than he EVER had in 18 years of precious life on this planet. And you know what - THEY WERE RIGHT. THEY (the Moms here) who really LOVED their kids enough to say "I can NOT HELP YOU." and walk away.....no car rides, no monetary cha ching, no sleeping for a few days at the house, no laundry, or using the computer - they were correct....and now? Some, not all but some HAVE a relationship with their kids.

Life's a bumpy ride down a dirt road with a lot of pot holes and no one gives you a butt cushion - but at some point you have to say - I'm getting out of the buckboard and I'll walk - YOU? Go on ahead if it pleases you. I'll catch up sometime.

Hugs
Star

 

[Suz]

Starbie...thanks for the acknowledgement.

One correction..........I never EVER "turned my back" on Rob. I expect this is just semantics but I don't want Susan to misunderstand.

I never turned my back on him. I faced him eyeball to eyeball and told him I loved him over and over and that because I loved him I refused to support self-defeating and illegal behaviors. And I detached.

And when he did absolutely anything positive I was eyeball to eyeball telling him how proud I was of whatever decision/action he'd just made. I couldn't make a big deal of it for the longest time because he would self-sabotage, but I tried to give him attention for positive moves and no attention when he didn't.

I made tons of mistakes along the way and lost my temper more than I want to admit. But, thank goodness, I don't think Rob ever doubted that I loved him and for that I am grateful.

Suz

 

[ScentofCedar]

That's an excellent point, Suz. To that I would add that when we go "eyeball to eyeball" with the kids, they get it on some level that was unreachable before. It seemed that as long as difficult child knew we were there if things got bad enough, things always got bad enough. Once I understood enough of what I'd been taught by the parents here, I was able to interact with difficult child in a very different, healthier way. (And you would be surprised how different our advice to each other, here on the site, is from the things we heard in therapist's offices or at treatment centers.)

What a horrible place to be, Susan. I remember how awful it was....

Barbara

 

[CrazyinVA]

It seemed that as long as difficult child knew we were there if things got bad enough, things always got bad enough.

Barbara, this is SO true. "Bad enough" becomes a relative term, really, when it comes to difficult children, especially addicts.

 

[Star*]

Suz = you're welcome.

As far as turning your back - I meant EXTREME detaching to the point that ALL of us admire, NONE of us think or hope we will ever have to do, and making it work with Rob because you didn't buy into his schemes.

You walked away UNTIL he started making positive strides.

And what did I write that had to be edited? lol......(corner again?) I thought I was within limits.....sigh.

 

[Suz]

And what did I write that had to be edited? lol......(corner again?) I thought I was within limits.....sigh.

You'll laugh.

You called me "Sue" so I corrected it.

Now I know a lot of Sue's....and our sweet SLSH is one of my favorites.

But I'm not one of them. And I didn't want Susan to be confused.

So call me Susie or call me Suz........but I ain't a Susan (only my Mom called me that ... when she was angry with me) or a Sue.



SUZ