My son entered rehab yesterday

[New Leaf]

Hi Hurtingmother,
Welcome and so sorry for your need to be here. You may receive more responses if you start your own thread.

We just put our son out and my husband and I are lost and unsure what to do. My husband said he's a man (40) and needs to be a man. We had let him move in with us and he spent all his money on booze, while creating havoc; got arrested and facing a DUI.

Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, a place for us to find rest and peace. I understand that in these hard economic times, adult children may need to come home and folks are doubling up. This should be regarded as a privilege and adult children should appreciate and respect that. It is not an opportunity to live it up, party and create drama and chaos. There are basic courtesies, responsibilities and boundaries that need to be followed. Dealing with addicted adult children in our homes is a nightmare.

I blame my husband for not taking the car.

Your son is 40 and is responsible for his own actions.

we finally made him leave after he trashed our house and let some drug addict girl stay in our house while we were gone. She was a very heavy girl and he let her on my new bed and they ruined it. I am beyond disgusted.

Disrespecting our homes is unacceptable. No one should have to put up with that.

He left and went to my nephews house. He is an addict as well. My sister blamed me for her son's addiction because she said my husband refused to discipline our son (true) and he got her son involved in drugs.

People make choices. Blaming others for a persons choice only takes the responsibility away from them. While relatives and friends do have an influence on those choices, it is still a persons responsibility for how they choose to live. Addicts have a way of putting their choices and consequences onto others, don’t fall into this game.

I'm unsure if I should tell my sister to put our son out. Does anyone have an opinion on this? I offered my son rehab.

It is up to your sister to figure out what her boundaries are in her home. If your son refused rehab, then he is not ready to change, and no one can make him, he needs to decide for himself. I am sorry, this is a hard journey to travel. He is not a young boy, he is 40 years old. It is hard to see our adult children make horrible choices, but if we continually rescue them, blame others for their situations and they don’t face consequences, how will they ever learn? There are many cases where addicted loved ones will use and manipulate their family members so that they can continue to use drugs. What we allow, continues.
We cannot control how our adult children decide to live. The only control we have is over ourselves, and the boundaries we keep. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love our grown kids, we do. But, they must not use that love to walk all over us, and destroy the peace in our hearts and homes. Love says no. No more. Once we really take an honest look at what’s going on with our adult kids and their choices, we can start to focus on ourselves and building healthy boundaries. We need to work at self love. That’s not selfish, it’s absolutely necessary. Staying healthy, removing stress from our lives and focusing on wellbeing. This is what we wish for all of our kids, that they take care of themselves, we can model that by starting with ourselves. It is such a difficult thing to witness our kids grow up and live a degraded, addicted lifestyle. I know how much it hurts. My hubs and I tried for years to “help” two of our daughters who are addicts. Their choices brought chaos and drama into our home. We couldn’t stop the train wreck. It’s because we had absolutely no control over their choices. What we do have control over is to say, “not in my home.” Did they change? No. They continue to live as is, and a long time ago, I gave them back to God and pray that they wake up to their light and potential. It’s too much for me to handle. I love them with all my heart, but enough is enough. I don’t feel that I put them out of my home. They refused to follow rules and respect boundaries. That’s unacceptable. They made choices to do as they please. That’s on them. I wish things were different, but it is what it is.
I hurt too, we all do when our kids choose this lifestyle. Hopefully one day they will wake up and choose differently. But, if we are more focused on their recovery than they are, that becomes extremely unhealthy for us. They need to take responsibility for their choices and deal with the consequences.
I hope today is a better day for you. Take one day at a time and switch focus to you. When we have a healthier love and view of ourselves and boundaries, we can start to make better decisions with regards to our addicted loved ones.
Take care! You matter! Your peace matters!
(((hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[hurting mother]

Hi Hurtingmother,
Welcome and so sorry for your need to be here. You may receive more responses if you start your own thread.

Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, a place for us to find rest and peace. I understand that in these hard economic times, adult children may need to come home and folks are doubling up. This should be regarded as a privilege and adult children should appreciate and respect that. It is not an opportunity to live it up, party and create drama and chaos. There are basic courtesies, responsibilities and boundaries that need to be followed. Dealing with addicted adult children in our homes is a nightmare.

Your son is 40 and is responsible for his own actions.

Disrespecting our homes is unacceptable. No one should have to put up with that.

People make choices. Blaming others for a persons choice only takes the responsibility away from them. While relatives and friends do have an influence on those choices, it is still a persons responsibility for how they choose to live. Addicts have a way of putting their choices and consequences onto others, don’t fall into this game.

It is up to your sister to figure out what her boundaries are in her home. If your son refused rehab, then he is not ready to change, and no one can make him, he needs to decide for himself. I am sorry, this is a hard journey to travel. He is not a young boy, he is 40 years old. It is hard to see our adult children make horrible choices, but if we continually rescue them, blame others for their situations and they don’t face consequences, how will they ever learn? There are many cases where addicted loved ones will use and manipulate their family members so that they can continue to use drugs. What we allow, continues.
We cannot control how our adult children decide to live. The only control we have is over ourselves, and the boundaries we keep. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love our grown kids, we do. But, they must not use that love to walk all over us, and destroy the peace in our hearts and homes. Love says no. No more. Once we really take an honest look at what’s going on with our adult kids and their choices, we can start to focus on ourselves and building healthy boundaries. We need to work at self love. That’s not selfish, it’s absolutely necessary. Staying healthy, removing stress from our lives and focusing on wellbeing. This is what we wish for all of our kids, that they take care of themselves, we can model that by starting with ourselves. It is such a difficult thing to witness our kids grow up and live a degraded, addicted lifestyle. I know how much it hurts. My hubs and I tried for years to “help” two of our daughters who are addicts. Their choices brought chaos and drama into our home. We couldn’t stop the train wreck. It’s because we had absolutely no control over their choices. What we do have control over is to say, “not in my home.” Did they change? No. They continue to live as is, and a long time ago, I gave them back to God and pray that they wake up to their light and potential. It’s too much for me to handle. I love them with all my heart, but enough is enough. I don’t feel that I put them out of my home. They refused to follow rules and respect boundaries. That’s unacceptable. They made choices to do as they please. That’s on them. I wish things were different, but it is what it is.
I hurt too, we all do when our kids choose this lifestyle. Hopefully one day they will wake up and choose differently. But, if we are more focused on their recovery than they are, that becomes extremely unhealthy for us. They need to take responsibility for their choices and deal with the consequences.
I hope today is a better day for you. Take one day at a time and switch focus to you. When we have a healthier love and view of ourselves and boundaries, we can start to make better decisions with regards to our addicted loved ones.
Take care! You matter! Your peace matters!
(((hugs)))
New Leaf

Thanks - this is a hard hard hard road. I'm going to fight for my son but I don't know what that is yet. I have been warfare praying as I know that the demonic is involved. I've been reading Win Worley's books. If someone finds the right path I hope they share it. Our neighbor buried their son about a year ago.

 

[Nomad]

So glad to hear he is in rehab. It is hope. And hope is great.

I've been to a few support groups. There were two successful stories regarding a bad addiction. But, then again, folks who have adult kids doing well might not continue to attend these support groups. I don't know. PLEASE don't take this the wrong way. The end results were good. But, it did shock me that one reported that their child had been in ten rehabs and the other reported t hat their child had been in eight. They took something from each experience. As well as life experiences along the way. One said that her daughter realized how much she had lost in life...milestone events that she couldn't participate in and so forth. So, again, things she learned in rehab combined with what was going on around her....losses in particular. For whatever reason, it sook many experiences to get to a much better place. I certainly don't know if this is the case for all or even many. But, I do suspect that more than one experience is often needed. This is soo difficult for all concerned. I took note that one mother in particular had gotten to the point that she no longer was invested in the success or not. Of course, hoped for the best. Turned to her spiritual beliefs. In her case...the eighth one seem to make the change for her adult child. It's very hard for all.

 

[JMom]

Hi Broken,

Your story sounds all too familiar, as we all have some variation of the ups and downs of addiction.

I say, take this time to heal while he is in treatment. You sound strong, you are doing very well. You are taking all the right steps to hold him accountable and shield yourself from enabling behavior.

It’s ok to have hope. There’s a lot of us here whose children have sobered up. We’re still here, some of us need to exhale for a bit to heal our trauma. One thing that gave me comfort was that my son went to rehab more times than I can count, but chose to get sober while on the streets. He was 20. We had cut him off from family until he sobered up. Not as a punishment, just a very strong boundary.

When he finally chose sobriety, he said it just wasn’t worth missing his sisters. He wanted to be part of our lives. The part where you were afraid to have hope while this is his first (and hopefully last) rehab, rings true. I remember Jo’s 1st time, the parents went around the circle talking about how many times their kids had been in rehab. I was thinking well I hope once is enough.

Once is enough for a lot of people. I say, enjoy your hope! It’s ok to have faith in him. Why torture yourself now? Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. He needs you to believe in him and be in his corner.

Recovery is hard. I don’t think any sobering is a waste of time. They gain skills each day they sober up whether it’s 30-days, 90-days, or years. It is like planting a seed that renews from time to time.

You are doing so well. I’m proud of the attitude and love you share. I am praying for a sober outcome and for your comfort.

Hugs,

Jmom

 

[Crayola13]

12-step programs seem to have a high failure rate. There are other types of treatments. I don’t know why 12-step programs are still the gold standard, probably they are the cheapest. Sometimes drugs are just a symptom of an underlying problem. I’m not saying everyone who uses drugs or drinks heavily suffers from mental illness, but getting the person treatment for the reasons this started in the first place would be more effective, whether it’s anxiety, depression, boredom, social awkwardness, etc.

 

[healinginside]

Hi Broken,

Your story sounds all too familiar, as we all have some variation of the ups and downs of addiction.

I say, take this time to heal while he is in treatment. You sound strong, you are doing very well. You are taking all the right steps to hold him accountable and shield yourself from enabling behavior.

It’s ok to have hope. There’s a lot of us here whose children have sobered up. We’re still here, some of us need to exhale for a bit to heal our trauma. One thing that gave me comfort was that my son went to rehab more times than I can count, but chose to get sober while on the streets. He was 20. We had cut him off from family until he sobered up. Not as a punishment, just a very strong boundary.

When he finally chose sobriety, he said it just wasn’t worth missing his sisters. He wanted to be part of our lives. The part where you were afraid to have hope while this is his first (and hopefully last) rehab, rings true. I remember Jo’s 1st time, the parents went around the circle talking about how many times their kids had been in rehab. I was thinking well I hope once is enough.

Once is enough for a lot of people. I say, enjoy your hope! It’s ok to have faith in him. Why torture yourself now? Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. He needs you to believe in him and be in his corner.

Recovery is hard. I don’t think any sobering is a waste of time. They gain skills each day they sober up whether it’s 30-days, 90-days, or years. It is like planting a seed that renews from time to time.

You are doing so well. I’m proud of the attitude and love you share. I am praying for a sober outcome and for your comfort.

Hugs,

Jmom

Jmom - you are the bomb. Thank you so much for this - I really needed to hear it . Looking back in the last four months, it has been quite a year but things are getting better. While they aren't perfect, I've learned so much about myself, my strengths, what I can control and not losing hope. My son came to Easter dinner with our family and things are better.

I'm glad things are better with your son...your story gives me hope. It helps to hear about your share - I believe focusing on the positive yield's positive results.

I know this journey isn't over for my son but I'm grateful that he has started this part of the journey.

One of my mantras is "Right now everything is ok". It helps me not to obsess. As they say in Nar-anon - I can't control it, I didn't cause it ans I can't cure it,

I think the most important thing that Ice learned is that I don't want to repeat my negative patterns of the past. I never want to go back to that I healed version of myself.

Thank you for your support and kindness and giving me a boost today. We never know how much a small act of kindness can impact someone

 

[healinginside]

12-step programs seem to have a high failure rate. There are other types of treatments. I don’t know why 12-step programs are still the gold standard, probably they are the cheapest. Sometimes drugs are just a symptom of an underlying problem. I’m not saying everyone who uses drugs or drinks heavily suffers from mental illness, but getting the person treatment for the reasons this started in the first place would be more effective, whether it’s anxiety, depression, boredom, social awkwardness, etc.

12-step process programs have saved many lives. Mental health resources, even when you have insurance and money, are hard to secure. I'm really thankful for the nar-anon family program, which is a 12-step program and there are those that have been working it for well over a decade. It works if you work it. While therapy would be the gold standard, 12-step programs are readily accessible, cost effective and let others know THEY ARE NOT ALONE. The people in the groups actually care more than most therapists do and the groups don't offer individual advice - they listen and you learn by listening to other's experiences. Every little bit of positivity helps.