Marguerite
Active Member
Daisy, don't ever be ashamed of your child. And Bran, I hear you on the 'blame the parents" routine. You have a heaven-sent opportunity to educate someone and at the same time to share what makes you happy about your child. Sometimes we need to get back in touch with this.
So the other mother is sharing with you about her perfect child? Chances are she's ony showing you the pretty side. It's what we do, as parents. And she WILL find out who your daughter is. You failed to share - that spoke volumes. So in her mind, did you fial to share out of shame, or fail to share because you just don't care about your child? SHE doesn't know; she will draw her own conclusions.
We live in a small town, you would think people would know the true picture, but we went for years with people (friends who should have known better) assuming the problem was just bad parenting. Our neighbour over the road was someone I thought would understand; she had her own problems with the health of her child. But when I shared with her about the autism diagnosis, her reaction was, "There's nothing wrong with him; he's just a spoilt liuttle boy."
Another friend, lives a few doors away, teaches at the local school. I only found out for sure earlier this week what I had suspected - her son bullied my son, repeatedly, badly, over years, because the mother endorsed it and actively campaigned to get my son expelled.
In both those cases, they just didn't understand. The first case - they moved away before they really knew. The second - she drew the short straw and was his class teacher for a year and became very supportive. Relatively speaking. She also saw that it was NOT a parenting issue, not at all. But it took a lot of hard work on my part. Even as I type this, more clues from the past are going "kerlunk" in my head and falling into place. She and I will never be as close as we used to be - I think she feels too guilty, and is also angry with me for her having to feel guilty.
But back to the issue - I don't hide my child. I learned not to, because it causes more misunderstandings.
At difficult child 3's correspondence school, we often have days where the kids go in to school for group lessons or festival days. That is when I meet other parents and see exactly what you're going through. There are a wide range of reasons (positive and negative) for kids being enrolled in correspondence. Some are enrolled in vocational programs (performing arts or sporting academies) where they do academic stuff in the mornings, and coaching in the afternoons. These kids are sporting/performing arts elite. Other kids have chronic health problems - chronic asthma, anxiety, wheelchair-bound, immune deficiencies. Other kids have behavioural problems, some even attend a special behaviour school (similar to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but non-residential).
I often get talking to other parents (we have to stay in attendance but we get a lot out of these days also). And I do hear the tentative references to their child, of trying to discuss what it is about them that brings them to the school. I freely share about difficult child 3's autism and how it caused behavioural problems and academic problems, as well as the bullying he went through. By sharing, it opens floodgates. That is how I've discovered that really, it's not been so bad for us.
And there has recently been a really lovely flow-on benefit from this.
Last year, I was talking to a mother who I remembered from previous visits as an aide at a behaviour school. We shared our stories, she finally opened up about how her son was so prickly, that he would thump another kid just for looking at him sideways. Her son had become the bully. He had only got worse at the behaviour school so the mum quit her job and pulled the kid out, enrolling him as a single correspondence kid. We still had problems with her son hassling difficult child 3 and getting impatient with him. Another boy, new to the school, attended the study day where we were talking. The new boy and the bully were almost coming to blows, teachers had to intervene. I haven't seen the new boy since, he avoids coming to study days (he does live a long way away, though).
But the next study day was only a few weeks later. I was gritting my teeth ready to step in and have to intervene, but not problem. The mother came up to me. "I talked to my son about difficult child 3, we were right - he had misunderstood. He needs to learn to understand that he doesn't have to constantly defend himself, others aren't necessarily out to get him."
All that day, the other boy would seek out difficult child 3, would save a set for him, would ask him how his day was going. He saw difficult child 3 do well in a task and hi-fived him.
Ever since, whenever we've encountered this young man, he makes a point of looking for difficult child 3 to say hello to him. He treats difficult child 3 like a favourite little brother. But he also recognised that despite seeming so much younger, difficult child 3 is very bright in some areas.
THis young man is learning about himself, as he is learning about others and their differences. The secret was communication and sharing.
I do sometimes feel sad at how difficult child 3 lags behind other kids in some areas, especially socially. But I chuckle when I see him amaze people with his intellect. Yesterday his maths teacher began to teach him as if he needed remedial help, then difficult child 3 totally turned the subject on its head by sharing something complex on the topic that he had just worked out.
Hang onto the special moments. They help get you through the rough stuff.
Marg
So the other mother is sharing with you about her perfect child? Chances are she's ony showing you the pretty side. It's what we do, as parents. And she WILL find out who your daughter is. You failed to share - that spoke volumes. So in her mind, did you fial to share out of shame, or fail to share because you just don't care about your child? SHE doesn't know; she will draw her own conclusions.
We live in a small town, you would think people would know the true picture, but we went for years with people (friends who should have known better) assuming the problem was just bad parenting. Our neighbour over the road was someone I thought would understand; she had her own problems with the health of her child. But when I shared with her about the autism diagnosis, her reaction was, "There's nothing wrong with him; he's just a spoilt liuttle boy."
Another friend, lives a few doors away, teaches at the local school. I only found out for sure earlier this week what I had suspected - her son bullied my son, repeatedly, badly, over years, because the mother endorsed it and actively campaigned to get my son expelled.
In both those cases, they just didn't understand. The first case - they moved away before they really knew. The second - she drew the short straw and was his class teacher for a year and became very supportive. Relatively speaking. She also saw that it was NOT a parenting issue, not at all. But it took a lot of hard work on my part. Even as I type this, more clues from the past are going "kerlunk" in my head and falling into place. She and I will never be as close as we used to be - I think she feels too guilty, and is also angry with me for her having to feel guilty.
But back to the issue - I don't hide my child. I learned not to, because it causes more misunderstandings.
At difficult child 3's correspondence school, we often have days where the kids go in to school for group lessons or festival days. That is when I meet other parents and see exactly what you're going through. There are a wide range of reasons (positive and negative) for kids being enrolled in correspondence. Some are enrolled in vocational programs (performing arts or sporting academies) where they do academic stuff in the mornings, and coaching in the afternoons. These kids are sporting/performing arts elite. Other kids have chronic health problems - chronic asthma, anxiety, wheelchair-bound, immune deficiencies. Other kids have behavioural problems, some even attend a special behaviour school (similar to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but non-residential).
I often get talking to other parents (we have to stay in attendance but we get a lot out of these days also). And I do hear the tentative references to their child, of trying to discuss what it is about them that brings them to the school. I freely share about difficult child 3's autism and how it caused behavioural problems and academic problems, as well as the bullying he went through. By sharing, it opens floodgates. That is how I've discovered that really, it's not been so bad for us.
And there has recently been a really lovely flow-on benefit from this.
Last year, I was talking to a mother who I remembered from previous visits as an aide at a behaviour school. We shared our stories, she finally opened up about how her son was so prickly, that he would thump another kid just for looking at him sideways. Her son had become the bully. He had only got worse at the behaviour school so the mum quit her job and pulled the kid out, enrolling him as a single correspondence kid. We still had problems with her son hassling difficult child 3 and getting impatient with him. Another boy, new to the school, attended the study day where we were talking. The new boy and the bully were almost coming to blows, teachers had to intervene. I haven't seen the new boy since, he avoids coming to study days (he does live a long way away, though).
But the next study day was only a few weeks later. I was gritting my teeth ready to step in and have to intervene, but not problem. The mother came up to me. "I talked to my son about difficult child 3, we were right - he had misunderstood. He needs to learn to understand that he doesn't have to constantly defend himself, others aren't necessarily out to get him."
All that day, the other boy would seek out difficult child 3, would save a set for him, would ask him how his day was going. He saw difficult child 3 do well in a task and hi-fived him.
Ever since, whenever we've encountered this young man, he makes a point of looking for difficult child 3 to say hello to him. He treats difficult child 3 like a favourite little brother. But he also recognised that despite seeming so much younger, difficult child 3 is very bright in some areas.
THis young man is learning about himself, as he is learning about others and their differences. The secret was communication and sharing.
I do sometimes feel sad at how difficult child 3 lags behind other kids in some areas, especially socially. But I chuckle when I see him amaze people with his intellect. Yesterday his maths teacher began to teach him as if he needed remedial help, then difficult child 3 totally turned the subject on its head by sharing something complex on the topic that he had just worked out.
Hang onto the special moments. They help get you through the rough stuff.
Marg
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