B
bran155
Guest
Yesterday was a really bad day here in the nut house. My difficult child was cursing at me all day for one thing or another. She was in a funny mood, quick to snap at us however she was silly and laughed a lot too. I just could not read her at all. That usually means "watch out"!!!
So after a day filled with verbal abuse from her I was exhausted and sort of feeling a little numb. My mood was sad and sullen. She came home last night in a upbeat but very "ghetto" mood. She and I are were having our nightly argument, about getting her life together, making better choices, picking better friends......yada, yada, yada. She told me that she was moving to Albany with her "Boo", he is a bumb not a Boo!!!! This is the same Boo who, when told my difficult child might be pregnant, told her he wanted nothing at all to do with her. She has only known this guy for about 3 weeks. He is, no doubt a drug dealer. All she talks about is "gettin money", not getting a job, just getting money. As she is telling me her plans I am getting sicker by the minute, I am utterly disgusted at this point and am having a hard time looking at her. She was telling me how sexy this guy is and how she has these new friends that are strippers, I mean every mother's dream!!! No matter what I said to her I was a f*****g b***h, she was going to punch me in the face, I am a low life, she hates me, she wants to leave and never see me again, all the while laughing at me. My blood was boiling but up to this point, after a day filled with this abuse, I was able to control myself and be the "adult". I left the room and took a break trying to de-escalate (word?) the situation, waited about 30 minutes and came back to the living room only to hear her on the phone making plans to "get money". I couldn't quite make out the conversation so I dont know what she is planning to do to get this money, I can only imagine. So my motherly nag kicked in and I began to lecture her on her future once again, she is again cursing and laughing at me. I lost it - I told her she was a selfis little b***H. At that moment I just couldn't see my ill child, I only saw my abuser, I hated her at that very moment. I was becoming unglued. I am emotionally beat up and in defense mode. I left the room again to cool off. I came back in a few minutes later and told her I was sorry for losing control and talking to her that way. Her logic was that was okay because she was callling me worse things. I told her that it was not okay for her to call me names or okay for me to call her names. I am the adult, I should be in better control of my emotions. I beat myself up all night and feel horrible today.
The truth is, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't have anything left in me to give. I have done so much for this kid, been through so much for her, stuck by her through all of the craziness. I will never get used to her treating me so badly. After all these years of her abuse, you would think I would be able to shrug it off and most days I can, but last night it just hurt so much. I felt like a wounded puppy, like the little girl on the playground no one wants to play with. She saps my self esteem right out of me and makes me feel so small and insignificant. How pathetic, I know that is about me and I need to deal with that. I need therapy!!! It is amazing how much this child is able to burn my soul, I feel like a battered woman.
I want so much for her to live somewhere else, away from me, I don't even care where at this point. I no longer care to watch her destroy her life. It is so hard to watch someone who you love, who you have given so much of yourself to, throw their life away. She is headed straight for the gutter. Sad to say, that is where she is most comfortable. When will she ever get it? Will she ever get it?
I am not feeling very strong lately, in fact I feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. Thanks for listening.
Shawna
So after a day filled with verbal abuse from her I was exhausted and sort of feeling a little numb. My mood was sad and sullen. She came home last night in a upbeat but very "ghetto" mood. She and I are were having our nightly argument, about getting her life together, making better choices, picking better friends......yada, yada, yada. She told me that she was moving to Albany with her "Boo", he is a bumb not a Boo!!!! This is the same Boo who, when told my difficult child might be pregnant, told her he wanted nothing at all to do with her. She has only known this guy for about 3 weeks. He is, no doubt a drug dealer. All she talks about is "gettin money", not getting a job, just getting money. As she is telling me her plans I am getting sicker by the minute, I am utterly disgusted at this point and am having a hard time looking at her. She was telling me how sexy this guy is and how she has these new friends that are strippers, I mean every mother's dream!!! No matter what I said to her I was a f*****g b***h, she was going to punch me in the face, I am a low life, she hates me, she wants to leave and never see me again, all the while laughing at me. My blood was boiling but up to this point, after a day filled with this abuse, I was able to control myself and be the "adult". I left the room and took a break trying to de-escalate (word?) the situation, waited about 30 minutes and came back to the living room only to hear her on the phone making plans to "get money". I couldn't quite make out the conversation so I dont know what she is planning to do to get this money, I can only imagine. So my motherly nag kicked in and I began to lecture her on her future once again, she is again cursing and laughing at me. I lost it - I told her she was a selfis little b***H. At that moment I just couldn't see my ill child, I only saw my abuser, I hated her at that very moment. I was becoming unglued. I am emotionally beat up and in defense mode. I left the room again to cool off. I came back in a few minutes later and told her I was sorry for losing control and talking to her that way. Her logic was that was okay because she was callling me worse things. I told her that it was not okay for her to call me names or okay for me to call her names. I am the adult, I should be in better control of my emotions. I beat myself up all night and feel horrible today.
The truth is, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't have anything left in me to give. I have done so much for this kid, been through so much for her, stuck by her through all of the craziness. I will never get used to her treating me so badly. After all these years of her abuse, you would think I would be able to shrug it off and most days I can, but last night it just hurt so much. I felt like a wounded puppy, like the little girl on the playground no one wants to play with. She saps my self esteem right out of me and makes me feel so small and insignificant. How pathetic, I know that is about me and I need to deal with that. I need therapy!!! It is amazing how much this child is able to burn my soul, I feel like a battered woman.
I want so much for her to live somewhere else, away from me, I don't even care where at this point. I no longer care to watch her destroy her life. It is so hard to watch someone who you love, who you have given so much of yourself to, throw their life away. She is headed straight for the gutter. Sad to say, that is where she is most comfortable. When will she ever get it? Will she ever get it?
I am not feeling very strong lately, in fact I feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. Thanks for listening.
Shawna