I need some advice

[FallingIn]

I am trying to step back and let him take care of his own issues. I know I haven't succeeded in this yet, but at least I'm not 'saving' him from all his poor choices. I still buy him groceries. I probably shouldn't, and maybe soon I will stop that too. He has been cut off of financial assistance now, so he has no money coming in. Not sure what will happen there, but for now I am letting him take care of it. His rent is due Nov 1, but no money is coming so he can't pay rent.
I also keep trying to explain things in different ways to see if something resonates with him.

Thanks everyone for helping me stay strong and sticking to my boundaries. It helps to know I am not alone.

 

[FallingIn]

Wow, I reread the thread and can't believe it's been this long. Lots has happened since I last posted. My son has been in and out of my house, more calls to the police, he was facing jail time so finally agreed to rehab to avoid jail time. He's been in rehab for about 2 months now and is coming home in a couple of weeks. I am very nervous about this. He's been sober while in rehab and he says he is going to stay sober but I know that it is easier said than done. He plans on getting counselling and attending therapy sessions. I'm attending family support to be able to help support him when he returns. It won't be easy, but I am willing to give it a try.

My main issue now is that he has burned his bridges with our relatives. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. My sister and my Dad are very worried he is coming back, and my sister keeps telling me he can't act the way he did before. I know this, I don't need to be told this. I also know I can't control what he does when he comes back so I feel like I am failing everyone by giving him another chance. I feel so alone. My family makes it sound like it should be easy to set boundaries. If it were easy I would have done this years ago. So, I feel like such a failure and just want to go hide somewhere. I only have one sister, they don't have any kids so they don't really understand the attachment we have with our kids. I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone because I am giving my son yet another chance. It makes me so sad. I feel like I am being forced to choose between my family and my son. Does anyone else have to make the choice between their family and their addicted child? I know if my husband were still alive, he would be doing the same - making me make the choice of him or my son. I just paid literally thousands of dollars for his rehab. I know if I sent him to the homeless shelter he wouldn't stand a chance to stay sober. I guess I am looking for validation that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My son has no friends, so he has no where else to go either.

 

[brokeninside]

Wow, I reread the thread and can't believe it's been this long. Lots has happened since I last posted. My son has been in and out of my house, more calls to the police, he was facing jail time so finally agreed to rehab to avoid jail time. He's been in rehab for about 2 months now and is coming home in a couple of weeks. I am very nervous about this. He's been sober while in rehab and he says he is going to stay sober but I know that it is easier said than done. He plans on getting counselling and attending therapy sessions. I'm attending family support to be able to help support him when he returns. It won't be easy, but I am willing to give it a try.

My main issue now is that he has burned his bridges with our relatives. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. My sister and my Dad are very worried he is coming back, and my sister keeps telling me he can't act the way he did before. I know this, I don't need to be told this. I also know I can't control what he does when he comes back so I feel like I am failing everyone by giving him another chance. I feel so alone. My family makes it sound like it should be easy to set boundaries. If it were easy I would have done this years ago. So, I feel like such a failure and just want to go hide somewhere. I only have one sister, they don't have any kids so they don't really understand the attachment we have with our kids. I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone because I am giving my son yet another chance. It makes me so sad. I feel like I am being forced to choose between my family and my son. Does anyone else have to make the choice between their family and their addicted child? I know if my husband were still alive, he would be doing the same - making me make the choice of him or my son. I just paid literally thousands of dollars for his rehab. I know if I sent him to the homeless shelter he wouldn't stand a chance to stay sober. I guess I am looking for validation that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My son has no friends, so he has no where else to go either.

Success after rehab is greatly increased for your son if you provide support for his recovery. Your sister can never understand how you feel as his mother but she is just trying to protect you and keep you safe.

You mentioned family counseling. I strongly suggest that you join naranon family support group. I do it via zoom and I don't have to show my face and it is completely anonymous. It has helped me tremendously. There are thousands of other mothers facing what you are facing and it helps to know you are not alone.

This is a good article on supporting vs enabling Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

Your son took the first brave step of being sober. Recognize that. Tell him you are proud of his sobriety and you want to work toward healing. Try to remember only he can do this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I wish you the best in your journey.

 

[FallingIn]

Thanks for your reply. My son is home now. Nothing has changed with his outlook on life, but he is now sober so my home is less disruptive. Even my dogs are more relaxed around him, so they can tell the difference too. He went to one AA meeting, has had 1 session with a counsellor and has decided to give up. He told me that he doesn't see himself being in this life for much longer. I don't know what happens in his counselling sessions, but he tells me they all tell him to just suck it up and get on with his life. He has been to numerous counsellers, doctors etc. I don't get it why they don't seem to want to help him. And of course I can't find out what is really going on because he is an adult. I will look into naranon family support. I do feel like I need help coping with this.

 

[Crayola13]

Does he think he can’t stay off of drugs/alcohol forever? He sounds depressed, too. Is he involved in any healthy hobbies or working at a job he likes? He’s probably down in the dumps because he can’t have contact with certain friends anymore who are still using drugs or drinking heavily. Life doesn’t sound like fun when you can’t hang out at your old favorite places anymore. He will eventually find other ways to occupy his time and enjoy himself. If he keeps pushing, he will find that there is more to life than drugs/alcohol, and that depression is treatable.