I think I may have lost my son today

[Baggy Bags]

Thanks, friends.

I'm seeing a lawyer this week. She thinks it would be good to get the evidence together, build a case, and then present it as a "notification". She thinks my case is stronger if I present it first, even if I'm not actually filing a report.

I'll have to think about the guardianship, something about it doesn't sit well with me, and it's that I just don't trust my mother as his guardian. She's already letting him go out by himself, which she promised she wouldn't. Doctors are still concerned that she doesn't seem to take my son's condition seriously. But maybe there's something kind of halfway, some way of declaring that he is with her for now, that she is responsible for him while he's with her, but that I'm still the legal guardian. Which, to answer BBU's question, I am, even if he's not here. I am the only legal guardian as my partner is not the biological father, and bio-dad has been out of the picture for most of my son's life and is not registered. So it's just me.

Again, thank you so much for your supportive advice. It feels so comforting to have people worry about me for a change.

 

[Copabanana]

The attorney's idea sounds to me both prudent and wise.

How you described the temporary custody arrangement is how I envisioned it. Maintaining full legal rights, but documenting and circumscribing the current arrangement and its limitations and the expectations of each party.

The painful reality seems to be that neither your mom nor son seem to be acting in good faith. Both seem willing to use your difficult circumstances to gain advantage.

I was hoping you could nail down your understanding in a way that protects you.

I am really less concerned right now about son who seems to be taking care of himself very well, thank you. Ditto your mom.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

How is your husband dealing with all of this, BB? What does he think should be done?

If son really does follow through with making a false claim of abuse against you and husband, what would happen next? As embarrassing and awful as it would be, I am assuming that the investigation would immediately go in your favor. As you say, he is clearly well-fed and multiple witnesses saw him threaten H with a knife, and you had bruising from an attack by him earlier in the day.

My point being, he's trying to seize and maintain control by claiming you and husband are abusing/neglecting him. Is calling his bluff, and thereby removing his "power", an option?

 

[Copabanana]

I too have been worried about husband.

I don't know how I feel about forcing the issue, that is, calling his bluff, absent any real action by him.

One. It was just words. It could be argued that taking them seriously, by responding to his accusations, empowers him.

Two. He has no power. Except in his own mind. And to the extent mom protects him from the consequences of his actions. She does this for very real reasons.

Finally. What is gained, really, by calling his bluff? He is not showing himself to be learning in response to any countermeasure by mom. I am trying but cannot think of anything that can be gained.

Responding to his false accusations, given that there are multiple existing accounts that disprove them, seems on the face of it, risky, and without an identifiable payoff.

 

[Baggy Bags]

That's what the psychologist thinks too - that by taking him seriously or worrying about it, we empower him.
I'm still going to consult with the lawyer and put things in place, in the case he tries to do something.

You guys are awesome. Thanks for giving our situation time, and thought, and care.

 

[Baggy Bags]

Husband is the sweetest man you'll ever meet. He gets mad at me when I kill flies. Never been in a fight in his life.
He believes in telling the truth and that truth will always prevail. His patience and lack of taking any of this personally is beyond admirable.

 

[Copabanana]

I love this psychologist. (He always agrees with me.) Thank goodness you have a professional there in whom you have confidence. He seems to care.

Baggy. You are gaining ground in this. Week by week you are gaining confidence and surefootedness. I have a good feeling.

 

[Baggy Bags]

The nightmare continues.

I told my mom I had consulted with a lawyer and she got it in her head that I wanted to put my son in jail. So she went to family services and reported me! She was trying to get temporary custody, but then she tried to downplay it and said she just wanted to notify them that he was with her. After talking to me (and my lawyer), they decided not to proceed with the case (which would have meant a long, tedious investigation and lots of court time on top of everything else we have to worry about), and told us to settle it privately with a legal agreement in which she has to comply with a list of rules and conditions for him to stay with her (can't go out alone, or be left at home alone, diet, exercise, limited technology, medication...). So, that backfired on her, but we've recently been told that son continues to plot against us and the accusations get wilder and wilder. My adrenal system can't keep going like this. Even when he's not here, he's still keeping us on alert 24/7.

 

[Triedntrue]

It is a shame that even without him there you have no peace of mind. I wish i had some good advice for you but i think you are doing what you are able to do for now. However if he does attempt to carry through with his threats i think the time to protect him from the legal system is gone. It is by his choice at that point. Prayers are with you.

 

[BusynMember]

Plotting against you in serious and scary. In your country to tne police offer you any protection at all? I hope so

Love and light

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

BB, sounds like your mother may be making the situation worse. Could it be, given her own mental illness, that she is encouraging son to grow ever more fanciful in his delusions about his "unfair treatment" - sarcasm intended - by you and H? Perhaps she is trying to turn him against you or at the very least, trying to win him over to her side for good.

Other than jail or the very expensive private hospital, are there any options available for son that would not involve your mom? Are there group homes or foster care placements?

 

[Baggy Bags]

Yes, my mother is definitely not helping the situation and feeding his delusions by doubting us.
We're looking into options in other countries, but they're all so expensive. And at this point, I don't know if I want to keep spending like that.
Especially because taking him out of my mom's house right now would likely just make him hate us more and get wilder in his accusations.

My mom keeps calling trying to sound "nice" but the doctors tell me that she is basically my enemy right now.
Fortunately, she is naÏve enough to still think that the doctors are on her side and that they keep her "secrets".

 

[Copabanana]

Hi.

Oh dear.

There is a silver lining I see.

Child protective services has responded to their accusations and come back with orders to your mom to comply with all that you wanted! Supervision, media, treatment, etc.

They (mom and son) gave it their best shot. Nothing.

____

Your mother sorry to say is an untrustworthy nutcase. Forgive me. You knew it going in. You felt you had no other options at that time.

Your son continues vulnerable. But less so. With you guys at a distance the proximate triggers and his ability to easily and directly hurt you are reduced.

In this world we can do only what we can do. You have examined every course of action and no other option has yet presented itself.

You are doing a great deal by providing the best treatment for him you can. In a sense these professionals and the lawyer are implementing your parenting directives. You are parenting him: just not hands on.

To me this has got to be enough right now. Your son will not permit more.

My concern is not so much him. But you--.that you somehow find a way to protect yourself in every way and that you be able to let go.

No other mother could do more.

That has to be enough.

I am sorry this is so hard for us.

 

[Littleboylost]

I have been wondering how you are....

Some thoughts (borrowed):

There's nothing fair in love and war.

Lean in.

Nothing good goes unpunished.

It's not over til it's over.

Pick your battles.

____

Me:

As I have read your posts I have come to believe you have been motivated by and governed by:

Providing your son with the best treatment you can, so that he matures to be a functional, content and decent person.

Supporting his functional prosocial behavior.

Keep him safe and contained, so that his current impulsive, self destructive, aggressive, self defeating behavior is contained.

_____

I have seen nothing that makes me think you are engaged in a war, or seek control. While you have suffered greatly, I have admired the extent you have been able to keep your eyes on the ball, and your own needs out of this. To the contrary. You have been guided by love and responsibility.

____

That said. of course we get triggered. Of course this gets personal (To whit, yesterday I called my son evil, repeatedly, screaming like a deranged person.)

Please strike that last image from your minds So that I can proceed in a professional demeanor. Thank you.

____

Most of our kids have acted from this playbook. While we react, the important thing is to regain your composure and perspective. See above.

To repeat:

Long game.
Keep safe.
Get him treatment.
Keep your sanity. And better. Your life. Your beautiful life

____
You do not ask for my advise but I will give it. I would try not to engage. I would stay focused on my plan and priorities and not be distracted by his. To engage with him is to give him power. In reality he has none. You do. He is a little gnat. Don't make him king Kong.

___

There is documentation of murderous behavior by him if not intent.

You are known intimately by hundreds of people.

Three professionals have been overseeing your family life

End of story.

PS my son last night week told the police we were abusing him. He is 29 and 6'2". M is 5'5". Me, close to that. And old. Give me a break. Many, many times he called the cops on us to put us in jail. Give me a break.

We are playing the long game. Why? Because we are their parents.

I am sorry this is happening. Be kind to yourself.

This is a beautiful post Copa. Oh the lies lies lies our son told about us it still makes me ill to think of the things he said we did. Beat him, starved him, and neglected him all his life. I often asked was the trip to Disney, Argentina....part of the abuse....and so on.

Yes pick your battles. Focus on the cause not the symptoms and focus on your health.