I think I'm done.... I can't live a lie

[Albatross]

There is always hope, Colleen. I too think it is good he admits he has a problem, even though you had to "corner" him to get that. He didn't try to deflect it back on you, and that's a great thing.

I think it is very good he texted you to apologize, and I think his leaving is partly rooted in his desire not to do this to his family anymore.

The other part is rooted in protecting his addiction, sadly. But he is in there somewhere, Colleen. I too hope he sees this as a call to get into treatment. I agree with SWOT, this is the time to stand strong and let him live this out.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, yeah. If they want to call or text they borrow phones. Your son will also eat fine...there is a strong homeless community, very helpful, knowing all the good places to eat snd sleep and they are supportive. But drug users often lose weight because they usually arent hungry.So dont fall fall for "I am starving. I have no food. Send money or a gift card." (they sell gift cards for drug money.) Nothing is sacred. I am sorry.

Never lose hope, but dont get overly excited easily either. Addicts walk a long uneven road before they truly quit. When they quit, you wont wonder or just see good/bad signs.

You will know for sure. Everything will change and it will be obvious. Until then...do focus on your loved ones who get neglected because of difficult adult children and consider yourself on that list.

 

[ColleenB]

He isn't homeless... He has an appartment. But he often comes home to eat. We don't actually mind as we get to see him and usually he is pleasant to us. It's just been the last few weeks he has been rude to me... Not really rude, but enough for me to know something was up.

He claims that he was buying for friends.... We told him that makes him a drug dealer... End ...

Husband seems strong about no more car or money. I will be the one he will try to influence, but i know I can't cave.

We told him if he did need a drive to work we will help with drives. That way it's just to work, and he can't use the car to deal. We will see if he asks for drives....

We aren't the types to completely detach... I know many of you do, and I get it. I've been doing a lot of reading about the CRAFT method... Trying that. It's about natural consequences, like no car due to dealing, and keeping communication open and not angry. That's the hard part sometimes. However with our son, anger never works, he will run away... Has always hated fighting. We are going to use compassion but this time with firmer and clearer boundaries. No car, no money. He can eat at our house if he needs.

As long as he isn't high or abusive I will let him in the house. He isn't usually either of those. He is more grumpy .... He was never a rude kid, never fought with us ever. It's all so terrible.

We both come from alcoholic families, and my son being an alcoholic was always a deep fear. I can't believe it's happened. I'm so sad. We gave him a very stable, loving and supportive home. I guess I figured that would be enough, it wasn't.

 

[BusynMember]

Its hereditary...genetic. The only way for sme peiple to jot become alcoholics is never to drink. Some people can't drink at all or they become alcoholics, even if the home life was great. Not your fault.

It does seem your son is also using other drugs. Take my word for it. Its better not to know his whole story right now...and you may never know. When in the throes, they dont usually tell us the truth. Their drugs are always for a friend. They will always swear to never do it again. They quit all the time, but not really. They squirm out of things. I think squirm is a very apt description.

I think weve all heard the same lies.

I never stopped talking to my daughter. EVER. But even so, until she quit and then seemed eager to tell me the truth, she didnt tell the truth. I didnt push her to talk about it either. Heard too many lies.

Without a car and money her first big step was getting a job where she had to walk up and back in cold Chicago winter weather. She also spent many months friendless because she didn't want to meet drug users in her new state. She finally met her boyfriend. Funny, she never lies now. Drug use doesnt foster honest communication. They look at us with honest clear eyes....and lie. Its interesting and scary.

I dont think most of us never talk to our kids unless they disappear. We just learn to withhold material things. We offer the free stuff, like love.

Wishing your family luck. It is a long rocky road.

 

[Tiredof33]

I wish you and yours the best. There is no right or wrong way to deal with our children, do what is best for you. My son started using at an early age and it has been hell. He was stealing from me, his 'friends' were stealing from me with his help.

I cam very close to an emotional breakdown and I knew I had to change my situation. My son became angry and detached from me after I cut off the money. He lived homeless for a few years, went back to dealing and was put on probation. He did start contact with me again after about 5 years of not really hearing from him. He does have a job. Now, six months into our new relationship, the requests for money are starting all over again. I refuse to go back to that life. He will probably cut off contact again. It makes me feel as if I serve no other purpose than to provide money.

It is so very hard, these are the people we love the most in life. The alcohol and drug use turn them into people we don't recognize. The lies, the endless drama.........

You will read it in posts all over the forum, but it is very important, your child is an adult now, let him (her) suffer the consequences. Put yourself first, focus on you and your health.

I never give up hope, but I will not hold my breath waiting for my child to change his life style for the better. It truly is their life, their choices.

(((hugs)))

 

[mof]

Colleen,

I too am not able to completely detach...it's hard when they are respectful and mellow. We love our son, he is sober , but will need much more help.

If our son lived on his own, we would also support work, food too. It's so hard to get them to love themselves...like, drugs equal jail, death etc....

We will do what we can to give him the chance to work on himself...but he has to do the work while growing. We too have the addiction gene....I prayed our children would be spared.

Love and hugs....tears for you....

 

[ColleenB]

So had a better day. Took younger son out for lunch, which was nice. Then made myself do a craft I had started yesterday morning... Made me feel a bit better.

Going boating with good friends now.

Trying to be alive and present in the day, and celebrate things like sunshine and a yummy cupcake I bought at the market.

Thank you so much to all of you yesterday... I could not have made t through the day without you all. I mean that.

 

[Copabanana]

Colleen. I am sorry. But, I too, am hopeful for your son and for you. This needed to happen. What happened, is you hit bottom.

You do not have the illusion anymore that anything you do will influence him.

You have faced the ugly truth, without hiding.

These are good things.

Nothing, I mean, nothing, has changed with him. It is you who has changed. You are no longer hiding. From the truth.

There is not one bad thing in any of this. It bodes well for you and for your son. Because he is hiding from himself, too. Now that you see him and he knows it, there is freedom there--for him. Because he will soon face that the consequences, and the potential solutions are in him, not you.

I for one do not believe in the beautiful stories that people tell about their kids. I do not think they lie--but they may lie to themselves. There is no life--none at all--that does not have its time of pain, of shame, of darkness.

By letting go of your sense of shame, you will help your son--because he will see it as your belief in him--that he is still the same person, with the same potential.

Think about it. He is the same person. He has a problem. A big one. But it is not so big that he cannot come to grips with it. He can.

Your feelings about him are important. He will take his cues from you.

Personally, the viewpoint you are adopting, Craft, seems very wise. I will now go and google it.

Colleen. You are to be admired for your growth.

 

[GoingNorth]

SWOT. I have to correct you on this. I used and used fairly heavily, for several years. I never dealt. I worked and much of my money went to recreational drugs. The difference likely was that I wasn't an addict, which apparently your daughter was.

 

[BusynMember]

GN, thank you

 

[New Leaf]

Colleen I have been back to work and missed your post. Read through the thread and I am so glad you received support and comfort.
I like the quote "the end of the story is not written". There is always hope that our d cs will change their course and choose better pathways to their purpose. It is difficult to witness the throes of addiction, in the thick of it, we never imagined this at all while raising our children, but, here we are. It is hard to watch, heartbreaking. Numbing and stupefying.
The reality of it is the only thing we can control is how we react and how we allow their choices to affect our lives.
Done and not living a lie takes on many different meanings. I think it is good that our d cs know...... we know. We are not fooled and deceived by their stories. We know.
It puts us on a whole different level.
Whatever you and your husband decide, is your choice. I think the most important thing is to be able to switch focus and work on self care. Kind of like being on an airplane when the oxygen masks appear and the instructions are to put your mask on first.
We don't do anyone any good if we figuratively pass out from lack of self care.
This is a war we are in and have been in. Soldiers train hard to stay in shape and battle ready, but they also take R&R. I am so glad to read you are working on a diy craft and going boating. Yay you!

I was writing a response earlier about self care and thinking about how a lot of our d cs are doing the opposite. Not bathing, disheveled, really self loathing. It is sad.
So, my thought process today has been along the lines of modeling behaviors of self care for our d cs
...... as a way to encourage them to do the same. Actually I have been thinking about this for sometime now, I just read so often here folks posting that it is impossible for them to enjoy life knowing their loved ones are out there suffering. Some d cs go so far as to rub salt in that wound....(mine included)....."Have fun mom..... while I _______ (fill in the blank) rot in jail...am homeless....have no food....etc.
So, instead of "biting the bait" and lowering ourselves to our own form of self loathing......becoming too depressed, despairing, distraught, worried or feeling guilty to try to live the best we can ....what if we developed the mindset that through this self care, we are helping our d cs to see that it is possible for them to lead a more purposeful life, and to really care more for themselves?
I guess that is what I am writing about one of the many meanings of being "done". Not done loving my two, done with depriving myself of joy, because of their lifestyle choices. Done with allowing myself to go down into the pit with them. Done with being wrapped up with their drama, worrying all of the time, being consumed with fear, anxiety, depression, etc. None of that helped.
Geez, my helping didn't even help.
So if I model self help, by working on my self, I think that is the best thing I can do for my two. It is not always easy to swallow that lump of sadness over their consequences and circumstances. It takes work. It is worth the effort, we are worth the effort. By showing them we know we matter, we have a purpose and self worth, maybe they will see that they do, too.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[ColleenB]

Not done loving my two, done with depriving myself of joy,

I love this... It's so true!

I am trying to be loving to myself and my husband. To show my sons that life has to have joy. I still feel very sad about my oldest son, and I know my tears are not done... But today I chose joy in the little things...

I am aware some days I won't be able to do so. But I am thankful today I could.

 

[ColleenB]

I for one do not believe in the beautiful stories that people tell about their kids. I do not think they lie--but they may lie to themselves. There is no life--none at all--that does not have its time of pain, of shame, of darkness.

I often feel this too... But then I think... Am I just being bitter? Maybe others are so much happier... Maybe it is just me....

I do think that you are right, I have to let go of my sense of shame... Or he will never be able to either...

And maybe I have hit bottom, maybe I needed to. I want so badly to just go back in time and fix whatever went wrong, I sometimes think I can pinpoint the exact moment... But I do realize this is crazy thinking.... Just pure desperation I guess.

I have so much work to do on myself. It's funny to think I'm a professional counsellor when I feel I am in need of it even more! I do need to do this before I go back to school in the fall. My job is so draining, I need to be ready and healthy.

 

[Copabanana]

I for one do not believe in the beautiful stories that people tell about their kids. I do not think they lie--but they may lie to themselves. There is no life--none at all--that does not have its time of pain, of shame, of darkness.

I am quoting myself again!

I am remembering here my mother telling me how proud she would be when she would tell her friends about her daughters. A doctor and a professor, she would say. And she would tell me that nobody had children as successful as hers. Well, anybody on this forum who has read my posts, knows some of what my real story has been.

Once my mother said something like this to me: COPA, I must have done something right if with you both as successful as you are.

I feel shame to say it but I smiled and said nothing at all. I did not give her the verbal validation she was seeking. Because at the time it felt like it would be a betrayal of myself. That by saying, yes Mama, I would be saying that all of the times she chose for herself--no matter the cost to us--had been rendered unimportant, because the result came out OK. Which is not true.

Now I wish I had responded to her something of what she sought. But still, I do not know what that would have been, that would tell the truth about my life, and would have made her feel better.

 

[RN0441]

Colleen:

I'm glad that you had a bit of an awakening recently. It's all so very hard.

I think you are wise to take away the car and money that you had been supplying. We have pulled away from our son a lot even though he is sober and in an IOP. That seems crazy to me that we are doing this sometimes BUT he still doesn't feel that he needs to be there and this makes me very angry; all the resources he has now that he is not taking advantage of. His therapist seems to thing he is finally doing work on himself but she is very young and I just don't see much of a change.

I have pulled away because I do not accept that he accepts this for himself. I pulled away because I want him to hate his life so much that HE wants to change it. I have been hearing so much from my therapist and others, like his house manager, that if he is COMFORTABLE, why is there a need to change? We have not completely detached either and never will while he is sober BUT I have changed a lot towards how I deal with him. We give him $50 per week for food and will continue to do that while he is there. If he reaches out we don't ignore him, but we are really trying to let him figure this out with very little intervention from us. If he leaves the facility before they release him then he's on his own financially. We will not support that and he knows it.

In some ways I feel like I villanize him and I feel horrible about that but I feel so much pain and anger for the past five years of my life that are lost; we have given him so much support and access to everything he could need to work through this. I feel absolutely no guilt for the situation he is in because I know, and anyone that knows us agrees, we have done everything to guide/help him.

I do feel much shame that we are in this situation. There is such a stigma attached to it in the society we live in. I do feel shame and I don't think that will ever change.

Stay strong. It's such a long and hard journey.

 

[ColleenB]

O

am remembering here my mother telling me how proud she would be when she would tell her friends about her daughters. A doctor and a professor, she would say. And she would tell me that nobody had children as successful as hers. Well, anybody on this forum who has read my posts, knows some of what my real story has been.

Copa .... I can totally relate! My sister is a Vetrenarian and I have my masters in counselling psyc. I think both our parents think that they must have done it all right, when in reality I raised my sister when she landed on my doorstep at 16, and I had been married a week, @22yrs old and raising a teenager! Our parents are no support as they both have major issues... My mom is sweet, but a child of abuse and not relatable. Our father is a morphine addict who lives on a boat... Basically a hermit who needs our financial support. He was a very successful business man in his early years, but at forty suffered a major disability, resulting in his current situation. He was never a present parent and is a huge drain now.

I guess that is one of the reasons I feel so bad... My sister and I are successful, basically good people, despite our parents, and my son is a drug dealing addict... WTF? Excuse my language

I stayed home ten years, did everything the books told me too (haha)... I wasn't perfect but I was a good and loving mom. So was my husband. So weird???

Thanks for sharing this with me... I am so dumbfounded by all of it.

 

[ColleenB]

I do feel much shame that we are in this situation. There is such a stigma attached to it in the society we live in. I do feel shame and I don't think that will ever change.

Does that ever go away... Sigh....

I am trying so hard to be present but not vulnerable to his moods and anger. He came yesterday for like an hour and it was torture! He wanted to leave almost as soon as he came and I was ok with that. I don't want to be around him right now.

We are both trying. I went to work at the shelter yesterday and actually had fun. I painted and felt alive for the first time in a long long time. We went out with friends the other day boating and I actually laughed and felt happy... Just for a few hours. But it felt oh so good.

I am still very very sad over all, but I am trying to "choose happy"... I am painting myself a sigh that says this .... I need to remind myself this every day, sometimes every hour...

 

[mof]

Your doing well...I believe your son may be on track of realizing that things can get worse. Unfortunately, they are not our children when altered. He is in there....I pray that he survives and the addict loses.

I'm struggling with sadness....and our kid is sober. Him coming home revives the whole shame thing again and again....

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

The stigma is sad and wrong and is there whenever a child is mentally ill or just foesnt launch. Maybe it makes other people feel more elevated.

It isn't unusual for some parents to take credit for success of their kids. If they didnt secretly feel their children were a credit to them, they wouldnt brag about it to others and expect kudos.

At the same time soooooooo many of us feel responsible for the paths our adult kids take. We blame ourselves. We beat ourselves up.

These are both on the same spectrum.

The truth is that we pass along our genes and teach our values, but our adult kids ultimately chose what they do with the cards they are dealt Their success or lack of is due to how they deal with their potential. Its not on us.

But it is almost status quo for parents to take some credit for the good or bad of their offspring. What is posted on Facebook?

We are not faultless either. Many of us have our ideas of how we dreamed our kids turn out and even feel shame at some things they do...even though THEY did it, not us.

It is hard to remember that we are not them and they are not us. Society gives us the credit or blame for what our kids do. That is a big part of both ends of the spectrum.

I hope with time this changes.

Colleen, you are still that good person. your son may be a good person under the addiction. You did not buy him drugs. His choices are not your fault. Please let go of the shame....you did nothing wrong.

Mof, you are so obviously kind and loving and also should not feel shame. You are a great person regardless of your son's life and it sounds like he is on the upswing.

 

[mof]

Swot...

If we could take away all the pain and stress for these. children and parents...We would.

Facebook is that fantasyland of life, bad days laughed at, kids achieving awards, only proud parents.

This is our Facebook, a good day is a laugh and smile, and sobriety or a peaceful phone call.

A bad day....We have all experienced how bad can get.

Last night my son bought a meal for a man who said he had nothing and asked my son to pray over him after the CA mtg. My heart has never seen my son pray...of course I was not there..but there experience touched my son.

I trust all our Difficult Child children no matter their journey will encounter moments that can flick a switch in them.

But if I were honest...there are days I would just as well run away.

Our hearts are broken...but we are not....