I WAS in a good mood today....now this

[mof]

Prayers RN...I had a horrible night. Our son would not check I ...owner took his phone for day. Because his job is not 30 hrs....what!?!?!

First of all...owner is suppose to feel us when he does that. Second, owner does not know we are removing him end of month. He's in iop 4 hrs a day, only works 20 hrs week. I suggested he volunteer rest of hours, he said he will work it out. He has been going on construction jobs with a roommate. Geez, I was a hot mess!!!!

They are e solo young, your son seems blatantly honest though. He is so lucky to find a new place. Our son found his place, he didn't like the older sect, a d now lives with just 19-25yr olds....He says grown men act like children...well, yeah!!!

I have prayed...given to God...then cry some more, my hubby is not affected the same.

May you have a lovely weekend, treat you, hugs
Mof

 

[RN0441]

I finally heard from the house manager by text of the place my son left. He said my son thinks the place he was in is a joke so can't be there anymore and if he doesn't follow rules in new place he'll be homeless. He said son has car. Husband isn't dealing with it for a few days until after he settles in there. He has no gas money anyway. Just need a break from drama. House manager also said girlfriend isn't helping hmm.

I texted my son and told him that he better get serious where he is now and that Anna may be an aversion from what he should be focusing on - HIMSELF.

He called me right away and said that HE put himself there and he knows that he cannot drink, do drugs, etc. He said he had a beer and that is why he failed. DUH you cannot do that!! He said he is going to follow the rules and is looking for a job. He said she is all he has there. I told him I am his mother and want him to be happy and successful like I want for all our kids. He said I need to have a better attitude about it. WHAT??

I get mixed signals from him.

 

[mof]

Sometimes we have to get what we get. He told you he knows the rules, they usually do....my son still sometimes is punished for not waking on time.

He knows his boundaries...but girls..ugh my son admitted no girl was worth his sobriety when he slipped. I tell him, yes your cute, but they have nothing to offer in a relationship. She probably is not good for your son. Young guys, hormones still try t o rule....scares me too.

Hopefully being homeless scares your son and mine. I once was told that sometimes they jump around because they crave change when things get tough. A sponsor told my son he thought he did this, but counselor disagreed at the time.

RN...you are so much stronger than we are. We refused to move our son too far away. We know he loves his family. Who knows if we have done anything right..time may tell, or maybe it's just him.

I pray they stomp out the addict and push for themselves to prevail.

Hugs...
Mof.... resting with the dreaded sinus infection....

 

[Albatross]

Ugh, RN. Just getting caught up on this thread.

Well...I agree with everything you said. I agree that he needs to focus on his recovery. In my son's first rehab, they recommended that girlfriends not visit or have any contact for the first 30 days. Young men, raging hormones, chemical balance all screwy because of all the substances floating around...girlfriends can be a real distraction.

But they are 20 and they know everything.

The beer, I agree with you on that too. It is a hard thing to wrap your head around, when you're 20 or so. Alcohol is going to be there, at every turn...from parties to sitting home alone watching TV and having a Budweiser commercial come on. Either way I think they are afraid they are going to feel like a "freak." It's especially hard for them, and really not fair, and I think a 20 year old still has a real problem with "not fair."

I am hoping this new environment will be a fresh start for him, RN. In the meantime, as hard as it is, try to focus on you.

 

[RN0441]

He contacted us for money yesterday for food. We gave him $20 and he went to Wendy's and spent some of it. Oh well.

I spoke to his NEW house manager today. Wanted to find out about food situation, rent etc. He was very nice. He said my son is a BABY. A BABY. Ugh. He said so far so good. He said he is in a beautiful house, TV in his room etc. I said maybe he has it too good? He said that everyone's elevator stops on a different floor. He was an addict himself for 15 years. He hopes to help my son and others not have to suffer for so long.....

Seriously if I have to wait til he's 25 to get it I really need to change more than I even thought I did. I'm already stressing over Christmas. I don't want him home. What if he won't go back???

He also told me there are lots of restaurants around the corner from son's house and that busy season is coming. I told him son wants a job so he can be on his own (make lots of money) and that we are against that anyway. I told him we want to provide son with the bare minimum so he will work and he agreed. Thought a Publix card was a good idea. Will talk to the owner and get back to me.

Recovering from my stomach punch last week.

 

[mof]

RN,

So hard to hear isn't it. I too have had numerous discussions and he is young always comes up. Well, that young guy certainly can find a drug of choice but can't make a sandwich..it hurts.

Count the good stuff....the house manager sounds good, hopefully your son will l like and respect the staff...that helped my son. They should all be recovering addicts, they see through these young guys crap. I cant think about Xmas....just called a church that does Celebrate Recovery well, said that when my son goes, (he has shown interest), pastor wil love on him....I cried....they must think I'm nuts.

Our manager said it's common. for the guys to eat out too much....if your son finds community there, gets a job and is forced to pay bills....the lots o money is going to be reality check.

Head up....None of us can wait til 25...but there truly is no magic age. Anything can happen! My son publicly prayed....I would have said never..

One foot forward, one back..two forward....I refuse to lose hope for all of us.

Hugs
Mof

 

[BusynMember]

First the bad news, at least from my point of view. I don't feel it's good for house manager to call your son a baby, unless he means he acts like one. Most 20 year Olds are working full time or in the armed forces (baby?) Or in third year of college. My 20 year old daughter, who won't even try pot...never has) will be finishing her major this year and will be going to the a police Academy. She also works full time now while it is summer break and does not complain or ask for help.

20 is NOT a baby. In another year your son can legally drink, unlike a baby. I don't think it helps our underdeveloped kids, and i have one, to try to pretend they are so young. Most 20 year olds are perhaps immature at times, but still on their ways. So I don't think it's helpful to see them as babies. I married at 20 and worked full time.

I just don't buy it.

Of course, my philosophy, which did work for my daughter (although everyone is different) is to cut back and let them do it. Eating out when you have no money in my opinion is lazy. Buy food and eat at home. Go to a food pantry. Go to the Salvation Army. If they just impulsively eat out, which is instant gratification and no work, how is that maturing? People can't afford to just eat out. What about food stamps? Eating out is expensive, more so than other options they have.

I admit I'm opinionated. I see parents here continue to send money to their kids all the time and the kids don't use it wisely because they don't have to. Enough comes in from mom and dad so that if they want dinner out, they do it. They don't learn to budget or sacrifice, which are skills adults need. Some of the money could go for drugs.

Your son has already blown through many chances to get sober.
in my opinion it has to be harder for him to continue his lifestyle or it can go.on indefinitely. They need to be hurting so bad that the lifestyle is no longer worth it.

Do you have so much money you can indefinitely support this?

Yes, I know very tender hearted moms are going to disregard this and think it's too harsh, for which I am sorry, but MY DAUGHTER QUIT. At the baby age of 19 she was tired of doing it . it was too hard. I am always amazed at cars being sent or weekly checks for food. $20 a week is more than enough for Ramen noodles and peanut butter and bread. And since food can be had for free...well, I feel it's good for them if they have to walk back and forth to food pantries and free meals.

Okay, so now I probably ticked everyone off, but i felt the need to use my voice and state my opinion. Nobody needs to listen to me. I just feel that the counselor is wrong about the baby stuff

If our boys fight in the military at 18, and many do, I think it's a real stretch to call 20 a baby. Yes, their brains may still develop, but the fact is most have started launching by 20. I just don't think most people don't do anything with their lives until age 25. I think we need to let our young adults figure it out mostly on their own or they may not learn how.

I hope my opinions did not offend anyone. Truly sorry if anything did. Vent over. Duck taping my big mouth now.

 

[RN0441]

SWOT:

My son will be 21 on August 26th so coming quickly.

Yes, the baby thing. Ugh. Well to be honest this guy sounded older, gruffy voice. Not like his last house manager who was 26. I think maybe he meant a "baby" on his drug journey or something. I don't know.

It doesn't make me "not expect too much because of his age". Not one bit. I don't want him to do this for 15 years but it's not my choice.

I'm just glad he's where he is and it seems that people get it. I can't control any of this so I'm just trying to get by day by day.

 

[BusynMember]

Oops! Now the good news.

People of all ages quit every day.

 

[RN0441]

Our other boys took the normal route also. By 21 they were well on their way to paving a good future for themselves so I get it.

He is not like them.

 

[mof]

My son would have just finished his freshmen year at 20....they are not great thinking adults. He is very naive.....add to a mental illness he just got confirmed, his life has started over.

I cannot compare him to others, or even ourselves. I was a mature kid, but I drank, smoked pot and by the grace of good want arrested. Got a BS and married young, and I didn't have a mental illness.

I think these young people with the disease of addiction and other mental issues have the cards stacked against them and I thank god there are men and women other than ourselves who can help show them there way.

Swot...it's great your daughter did it in her own. Mine tried and failed, without help for other issues it would have never worked.

Who cares how they get well, but as parents I don't see an issue with giving them told and professionals.

RN...the first house my son was in controlled the money. He was given a budget for food, and had to ask for it when he got a ride to store. Some will do this for you. My kid felt he had to feed other guys who didn't have enough....wasn't much I could do...I figured he'd take care of him first.

I worry everyday.....but I have to have faith. Ill have it for both of us....they are not all equal at the same time...hugs

 

[RN0441]

Mof:

My son was diagnosed with anxiety/depression and I think that is what started this mess. When he was 15 he was also diagnosed with conduct disorder (thus how I found this site) but that isn't as bad of a diagnosis as it sounds as most grow out of it (from what I read).

I talked to owner of new house today. He said $150 per week rent but my son had told me $75 and he agreed on that (whew). I also sent $100 and they will get him Publix gift cards. Also charged a one time move in fee of $100 (really??). They are supposed to help him with his resume and to find a job too. That would be great.

I keep hoping something or someone will make the light go on for him. Yes keep the faith.

 

[BusynMember]

My point was 20 isn't a baby. Some adult kids are less mature.

Nothing wrong with rehab.

I have struggled with mental illness too...all my life. I was in a psychiatrIc hospital for ten weeks once and two other times, although a while ago, and complied with help. I was very immature, although married at 20, and really had no support from first hub or family.

I really believe people who are different grow up faster and do better if we are not there to pick them up. I hated doing everything for my mental health treatment alone, but if I didn't, nobody else would.

At some point most parents do stop the money flow and the paying for things and although it can take time, that seems to be when most addicts start finally doing better. But you are both very kind and this has to be your own paths. It takes a while to get to that point... a parental Rock bottom, so to speak.

You are both loving and very kind and I wish you and your son's well. I hope you don't have to hit rock bottoms. It's not a fun trip getting there and you don't plan it. It just happens.

Good luck!

 

[mof]

RN..

Yes, move in fees. The one he is in now had a 800.00 fee...I bargained 3 mos prepaid to waive it.

When our son come home he knows he no longer gets an allowance, and can't drive til he gets a car on his own....we will never pay his insurance again.

We think they may learn more from these experiences than school! If they take it all in. Our children have one thing many don't....supportive families.

We thought our son was just a nervous kid...but he has full blown anxiety, panic disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It was heartbreaking when he was in residential and on medications he said he never felt that normal

Not excusing his path. As long as he continues progress and growth...we will be here.

RN...you may tell him that after 6 wks he has to pay rent...seems like he might be able to swing it. If he works for fast food, he could get a meal too!

We hoped the last house would work...but where he is now the rent is high...he called and told us he had to leave because he can't earn the money....we told him we pay rent...he feeds himself...but jobs haven't been easy to find. His hours a shaky...so he takes odd hours through friends...it's the area he's in.many mtgs feed the guys...so he eats that way too.

I hope your son finds a mentor that can get through to him. My son has pneumonia again....frustrating.

Humid hot day.....find some joy where you.
Are....don't think too far ahead.
Mof

 

[Kathy813]

He has no gas money anyway

Yes he does. You posted that your husband sent him money and then you gave him another $20 for Wendy's and he "spent some of it." Where do you think the rest is going?

Every time my daughter had to change halfway houses we had to pay a new move in fee. It got ridiculous until we finally said no. Then she miraculously found some that didn't require one.

So now your son has his car back, rent paid, and money for food. Sounds like he got just what he wanted to me.

As I said in another post, they can be very resourceful at getting what they want. Sadly, that includes manipulation of the people that love them.

One other thing, my husband and I sent Publix cards to our daughter thinking that they could not be used for alcohol. Wrong. She managed to find a Publix that had a separate liquor store that took her Publix cards. She also sold them for cash so she could use the cash for drugs and alcohol.

My advice is to insist that he get his EBT card and then stop sending any money/cards for food. Give him a deadline and then stick to it.

~Kathy

 

[New Leaf]

Holding you in my thoughts RN. The ups and downs and sideways of this is a difficult journey. Topsy turvy. Crazy making.
Caught up in the midst of my twos shenanigans, is a hard place to be. They conned me into buying the ticket for that hellish ride and I had to work hard to get off of it. Don't want to go back, that's for sure. Completely lost my focus.
I don't like carnival rides, eeesh.

In the meantime, as hard as it is, try to focus on you.

I love Albies advice. "As hard as it is, try to focus on you."
All of the raw chafing emotion and roller coastering we go through doesn't change one thing. It takes a toll on our health, our ability to find joy in our life. Our d cs will do what they do, regardless of what we do, or feel, you know?
Addiction is a beast. A hellish ride. Dizzying. I need a dramamine just thinking of it. Ugh.
One day I said, I'm done, I am not going on this roller coaster. Someone had to stay grounded. Standing on two feet. It took a while for me to get my land legs. Still working on shaking off the motion sickness. That's the part that's hard, to not slip into the vertigo of it all. Especially when they ramp it up, continue on the same path, whack me upside the head and heart with the latest drama. Or, even come from a very different angle, like being.....nice?
I see you working on balance and staying steady state. It is good RN. The steps you have taken these past few months are huge. You are strong. Your husband is strong. I am so glad that you have him to lean upon. It is going to be okay. You are figuring things out and finding your way through this.
Stand firm, solid footing.
Our d cs are on that up and down and sideways, but we don't have to be.
Big, big
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[RN0441]

We are not giving him any money. I just sent new house manager money for Publix cards yesterday. We only gave him $20 one time in the past few weeks. He is not driving the car. They are helping him to find work. He knows that if he screws up in the new place we won't back him up again. If he uses it for booze then he'll have to deal with the consequences.

The most important thing is he isn't in our home making us miserable. He is working through this in his own way. We do have boundaries now and will continue to strengthen them. I just hope that he matures and realizes that his life is only difficult because of his choices.

 

[mof]

I hope to RN....I hope too.

 

[ColleenB]

It's so hard to know what to do. We say one minute... " No car, no money, that's it!" Then the next we buy him food gift cards. I get it. I really do.

I have stopped giving any cash, and he hasn't had the car in a few weeks now. We haven't heard from him much either.

It's so heartbreaking but having him out of the house is helping me heal. I just hope everyday that something in his head clicks and he gets sick of his life and choices. I know I'm sick of them.....

Take care.... Hugs

 

[mof]

Colleen...special positive prayers for you today. I don't know how to heal yet...but I'm trying.

Hugs