I don't think healing comes for a very very long time - from all of this. I don't feel mine will begin until our son is moving in the right direction and we see definite change. So so far off. If ever.
Healing does come. It takes time and effort. It takes life's circumstances. It takes the reality to set in that
we are seperate people, all of us, even from our beloved adult children. Acceptance that we have no control over outcome, we only have control over how
we react and feel. I have often written about being on a parallel journey with our d cs. They are enmired in their addiction and struggle, and we are hovering over watching with horror and despair. I remember feeling so completely entangled with the degradation of their choices and lifestyles. Just barely keeping myself afloat from
drowning in it.
Looking back, I see that my downward spiral mimicked theirs. They, swept up in drug use and partying, I suffering emotional havoc. We were so, so focused on what was going on with our two, our grands, it became the very air we breathed. Even as hubs suffered illnesses, the crazy continued. Everything we did to try to help was not making a difference. We lived in a sort of desperation that coincided with the choices our d c's made. It was insanity. It was such a waste of energy, time and health.
I realize now, that my focus was so intense on my two that I was missing out on not only my life, but the lives of my other children. They were struggling with their siblings issues as well, but also literally waiting on the sidelines.
All of this desperation on our part did not one thing to change the course of my twos choices. They are adults, the captains of their ships, and will navigate as they choose.
It is really, really that
simple.
What complicates it all, is our love for them and the emotional upheaval we bear. We all have to go through our own process in dealing with this.
But, there is healing.
My two are still out there doing what they want to do.
And I am healing.
It has been a long time coming, so many, many years of struggle to get to this point. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have done things much differently. But I can't change what has happened. So, I share here in hopes it will help, help me work to become steady state and help others try to avoid what happened to me.
This is my thinking today.
We are hoping with all of our hearts that our d cs find their way to their purpose. We mourn their addiction, the missteps and falls and choices.
The awful consequences. The what has and what ifs and what may or might happen to them.
The terrible waste of time, mind, health, resources addiction and drug use causes.
Yet, at the same time it is
happening to us. We get.....stuck. It is an awful, awful waste. Our getting stuck in the quicksand of our d cs choices does nothing to help them or us. We are all unique individuals and will walk the path that we
choose. Of course, our emotional ups and downs and processing plays a big part in our ability to move.
To see things differently.
What we are asking of our d cs, that they choose healing and life, we need
to expect of ourselves. If we say " My healing depends on my d cs getting better......"
We are entrapped in a position that is futile. Stuck.
We really, really have no control over what will happen with our d cs. But, a certain amount of control over ourselves.
RN, I see you taking big steps towards healing, setting boundaries, recognizing when you are in too deep, letting your husband deal with your son so that you can rebuild yourself, going to therapy. You are coming through this, working towards healing.
There is healing RN, Mof and everyone. Irrespective of what the kids do, there is healing.
But, it is up to us to choose it.
Hugs for your hurting hearts and prayers for peace and healing.
Leafy
