Hang in there, wakeupcall. You do have some useful ideas so far.
I get you on the "poor thing" angle - you were being a tad sarcastic.
With the punishment angle, it does need to be immediate. If the doing dishes is working, ten great. But it may not work for morning disrepsect to be 'held over' to the evenintg. For afternoon disrespect - go for it.
The other thing - t he word "disrespect". What you describe sounds likeabuse, but often we lump in verbal attitudes which superficially LOOK like what other people woulc call "disrespect" but it's actually not where it's coming from. difficult child 3 can get a bit panicky about things and sound disrespectful. If you think how a mother sounds when she sees her child running across the road in front of traffic - OK, it's a mother and she has good reason. Now hear that same tone and those same words coming form a child, directed to an adult. THAT is what you often get form an Aspie or autistic, and it is often NOT disrespect, but anxiety or panic. If you punish it as disrespect you actually make the problem worse by heightening the anxiety.
They do know they shouldn't talk to you like that, but in a panic it's difficult to control. In the same way a mother would ALWAYS react the same what if her child runs out into the traffic time and time again.
So it's important, if you can, to get into the head of the child and work out why. Once you know why, it's easier to work to help them control their own behaviour.
We had problems with Strattera, it made the behaviour much worse. And also the problems of rebound - they can bleed over into the next morning.
Then there is how he feels about himself and his own diagnosis. We wentto great pains to explain to the kids that they are who and what they are. Yes, they have something described as a disability, but every problem also brings its own gifts. ADHD may make it difficultfor them to focus on one thing, but they are also able to switch from one thing to another more readily and they often have minds that are like electric generators, sending out sparks of energy in all directions. Learning to harness tat energy and channel it, takes time and effort. Other things about ADHD (and also Asperger's and autism) - if there is something that really fascianted them, they can stay intensely focussed for longer, and to a deeper level. This is a gift to be encouraged and valued.
By all means try to channel and control the unpleasant side of it all. But AT THE SAME TIME find something he does right, and praise him. Catch him out doing a good thing. It can be momentary - "You said that so nicely, that showed lovely manners. Well done!" And do NOT make reference to his previously good behaviour when he gets it wrong, because it makes it seem conditional and devalues the previous good stuff.
So if he almost immediately follows you praise for genuine good behaviour with, "Who asked you, you old bat?"
then you calmly reply with, "Nobody needs to ask me, I am your mother. If I am an old bat, what does that make you?" but do NOT refer to his previous politeness. That moment has passed.
He is a child. He is a child with problems. He has great difficulty with self-control, with impulsivity, with anger, with frustration.
You are an adult. You may have some problems with those things I listed, but nothing like on his scale. So YOU need to be the hero, and show him how you want him to behave. YOU set the pattern. By all means lock yourself in the bathroom when you're not coping. But don't shout at him, stay calm and quiet, and soon he should realise that shouting is not how you get people's attention. You can e ven get away with saying, "Why are you shouting at me? I don't shout at you. It is just not necessary."
Read "Explosive Child" and try to use it. Also, I agree with the suggestion to re-evaluate. Cherck out the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on
www.childbrain.com. Of course it's not officially diagnostic, but it could show you some of the things we are seeing in your description. And even if he scores as normal, print it out and take it to his appointments, it will perhaps give a broader overview of the range of issues that concern you.
If he's doing the dishes for you because he accepts his disrespect is the cause - then I think you have won a big battle. And even if he doesn't get the connection - at least you are getting clean dishes andhe is also learnnig a valuable skill.
As for what happens to him later in life - by the time he is of marriageable age, hopefully his behaviour will have improved. Certainly if you keep working on it.
I never thought difficult child 1 would ever get married. True, his wife also has to be his carer to a certain extent. But he is now man enough to be HER carer, when she needs comforting or support.
It can work out. But it takes a lot longer than for the average kid, we need to forget about how old they are and just work on making progress, however slow.
Hang in there.
Marg