I'm struggling with hate

[pigless in VA]

I don't usually hate people. I think wasting your time seething about negative emotions hurts you and really doesn't accomplish much. I'm more of an act on it or let it go person.

This situation between Ferb and his teacher is rough on me. Ferb has not mentioned a word of it to me. I know he thinks that an affair with her is the best thing that has ever happened to him. I also know that since she is both married and a teacher, that she has some serious issues. I hate that she is dragging my troubled kid into her weird life.

I am nearly certain that he is involved with her. I have seen her dropping him off in our neighborhood three different times. There is no reason for her to give my son rides. Our house is one block away from the school. Plus, she doesn't drop him at our house. She drops him down the street a few houses.

I finally met her about a week ago. Ferb wanted to go to a fundraiser for his school at Five Guys. He loves Five Guys. When we arrived, Mrs. X was there greeting people at the door and handing out flyers for the fundraiser. I did not kick her.

We purchased our dinner. Ferb, Candy and I share one order of fries, because they are huge. We were sitting there happily eating and Mrs. X walks over. I had already decided to introduce myself to her. I thought I could do it without scratching her eyes out. Mrs. X, without saying a word, reached out and helped herself to a handful of our fries. At that point, I stood up and introduced myself. She had nothing to say to me but did have a little chat with Candy about school. I did not punch her.

As we were about to leave, James, a friend of Ferb's, arrived. The boys chatted a bit. Then James walked over and hugged Mrs. X. James is 17. He is the friend that got into trouble with Ferb and the marijuana bust. He is 17. The light bulb went off in my head that Mrs. X has multiple boy toys at school. Ferb may be 18, but they aren't all 18.

I was very upset. I still am. Mrs. X galls me. She obviously thinks she can do whatever she pleases, anytime, anywhere. I hate her. I hate that she is in charge of these young boys and using them. I still think my best option is to stay silent for now, because Ferb will not forgive me if I ruin his fun. I won't stay silent forever.

 

[mof]

This is hard.....need proof, she is criminal if all that you feel is true.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Is it hatred do you think pigless, or is it powerlessness you feel? You are a parent. You are not powerless. Do you know how other parents feel about this teacher?

Cedar

 

[pigless in VA]

No, I don't. I don't know James's parents at all.

Many years ago, I suspected a man in our neighborhood was being inappropriate with the friends of his teenaged daughters. Only one neighbor listened to my concern. Everyone else simply chose to believe that he was just a nice guy who really liked having kids hanging around all the time. He liked them so much that when his daughter had a sleepover party, he slept downstairs with 20 teenaged girls. "They love me!" he said with a big smile. Eww, eww, eww.

I learned to keep my mouth shut. I seriously doubt James's parents would believe me.

Maybe I do feel powerless. I want to do something to get this creepy woman out of the school system.

 

[BusynMember]

Isnt there a rule about teachers dating students, even if they're 18? This teacher gives me the creeps. I dont blame you for feeling like you do.

 

[AppleCori]

Mrs. X has serious boundary issues...taking food off of a stranger's plate (or even a student's plate) is bizarre behavior.

Hugging her teenage male students is a red flag. She should know better than to give even the appearance of impropriety. Yet, she does it.

I bet there are whispers about her around school. I doubt you are the only person with suspicions.

Something is definitely wrong with that woman.

 

[pigless in VA]

I do know a woman who used to work for this school. I feel comfortable talking to her. Maybe she knows another teacher in the department where Mrs. X works.

I also have a friend who is currently working in the clinic. I can ask her questions without naming the teacher, so I don't feel like I'm spreading rumors.

Disturbingly, a friend of mine confirmed that a different teacher was having sex with male students at a neighboring high school. SWOT, is it not illegal unless the students are under 18. It definitely is against the county policy. Every year they have a meeting where they advise the teachers not to do this sort of thing. The human resources officer also said that every year there is at least one incident.

 

[pasajes4]

It does not matter that the student is 18. It is against school policy for a teacher to fraternize with a student. Most schools have policies regarding teachers giving rides to students. I see many red flags with this situation.

 

[Cheerwyn]

I have read this board for years, but I rarely post.

But I really felt the need to reply to this thread.

Pigless in VA, you really must feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to protect your son, but are worried about the fallout and harm to your relationship with him.

But the longer you allow this teacher to take advantage of Ferb, the longer he will be harmed.

People often see a female teacher/male student sexual relationships differently from male teachers taking advantage of female students. But the damage is the same. Predators focus on children that are troubled, and take some sick pleasure in building them up, only to devastate them when the fun is over. It can lead to substance abuse, depression, and a long-term difficulty with relationships and trust of others. Ferb IS being harmed by this teacher right now.

I am not in your shoes, but I hope you consider taking some action here, even if it is just an anonymous report. Do you have access to his cell phone and/or e-mail? Can you look to see who he is communicating with? There is probably plenty of evidence. The fact that she's giving him rides home from school when it is a block away is a HUGE red flag.

 

[Cheerwyn]

I can't seem to figure out editing a post, but I also wanted to add that this kind of clandestine relationship usually involves the predator urging or pressuring the victim to lie and cover it up. Yet another bad influence that Ms. X. is having over your son. If he tells anyone, her job and marriage is at risk. She is no doubt actively asking him to lie.

 

[Crayola13]

I do know a woman who used to work for this school. I feel comfortable talking to her. Maybe she knows another teacher in the department where Mrs. X works.

I also have a friend who is currently working in the clinic. I can ask her questions without naming the teacher, so I don't feel like I'm spreading rumors.

Disturbingly, a friend of mine confirmed that a different teacher was having sex with male students at a neighboring high school. SWOT, is it not illegal unless the students are under 18. It definitely is against the county policy. Every year they have a meeting where they advise the teachers not to do this sort of thing. The human resources officer also said that every year there is at least one incident.

It depends on the state. In some states, even if a student is 18, it's still against the law. I wonder if you are the only parent with suspicions about her. If she's doing this with multiple students, your son is going to take it hard when he finds out. He might think he's the only one.

 

[pigless in VA]

you really must feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to protect your son, but are worried about the fallout and harm to your relationship with him.

Yep. That nails it. I'm not worried about fallout; I'm certain of the fallout. This is Ferb's first adventure into adulthood. He thinks he is having the time of his life and doesn't realize that he's just a bit actor in Mrs. X's sordid life. My motherly instinct says, "blow the whistle on this ." But I cannot. Ferb is too young to understand that he is caught in her web like a little fly.

No, I don't have access to his phone or email. I have no proof. I've considering hiring a private investigator, but even if I had proof, Ferb would never forgive me for stopping her. I have to wait for it to end naturally; I can't save him from this predator. None of this sits well with me.

 

[Megandrudy]

I am a teacher.....go directly to the school principal and voice your concerns. This is exactly what happened at one of our middle schools two years ago. The parent was suspicious and she went to the administration. Huge fallout as a result. There were others who suspected things and did not report them! Go with your gut. She should be spoken to and reminded about "professionalism" in the field of education. People like her make it tough on those of us who really are good teachers!

 

[Copabanana]

He thinks he is having the time of his life and doesn't realize that he's just a bit actor in Mrs. X's sordid life.

This is so simple, this situation, yet at the same time so impossibly complex.

I agree with Cheerwyn and Megan. I believe that this situation mandates action. I am a mandated reporter. Maybe it is because of this, that I see this as black and white. But it feels to me like we are watching somebody do harm. It is not only Ferb. It is all of her other victims. Because everybody is her victim.

This woman is a predator. She consumes everybody. She walks on everybody. She violates boundaries. She dirties everything. She eats off plates...because that is who she is.

I hate her too. I do not feel powerless one bit. I just plain hate her.

I will speak for me, and not for anybody else. Especially not for you pigless, because you are in a tough spot.

Pigless. OK. I can't leave you out. You are such an upright and honest woman. You are direct. Responsible, almost to a fault. Conscientious. There is not a fiber of your being that I have ever been able to detect that does not live honorably. You show integrity in everything you do. Most of all in relation to yourself. But certainly too in relation to your children, and family.

To not speak up, is to muzzle who you are. To compromise yourself.

I was going to say something like, our responsibility is to do right, for our children, who we model for. But that is not true. We are responsible to do right because it is ourselves who we model for. We construct ourselves by our righteous acts and we tear down ourselves when we do not act. I am not judging you or anybody else.

I am trying here to understand who I aspire to be.

You do not have to accuse this woman. But could you go to the principal and say: I have reason to think that this teacher may be behaving inappropriately with male students. And nothing more.

Put the burden on the principal to act. I might even put it in writing. Requesting confidentiality. Maybe to 2 different people, so it cannot be covered up: to the dean of students and to the principle.

Or could you make a CPS report?

I agree with the others who say that--by virtue of her role--she is at minimum putting at risk her credential, and more than likely (if your hunch is correct) behaving illegally, in terms of child sexual abuse. But we are also talking about abuse of power. All of her students are dependents. They are under her power and they are her responsibility and she is abusing her power and her students. Every single one of them. Including Ferb.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Teacher here. If I it were my difficult stepson in this situation, I would take his phone, his laptop, etc. and check it for texts and other social media communication between the two of them. If you find any proof, take it to the police AND the principal of the school. 18 may be the age of consent, but most 18 year olds are still children, and relations between a teacher and student at the high school level are completely inappropriate.

 

[MissJuneBug]

You do not have to accuse this woman. But could you go to the principal and say: I have reason to think that this teacher may be behaving inappropriately with male students. And nothing more.

I think this is a great suggestion. You're not saying it's your son and you aren't directly accusing her but it would (hopefully) put the administrators on alert and they would probably watch her more closely.

I always think about how many people had to have known about the child sex abuse going on in the Catholic Church or with Jerry Sandusky or countless other cases. Some of that could have been stopped much earlier and less kids would have been abused. Not saying that is what this teacher is doing but if she is breaking the law or even school policy, someone in authority needs to know.

I also would tell the school in person. These days, there is zero chance of anonymity or confidentiality when something is put in writing, whether it be email or text. You never know how the school will respond but I have seen cases where they simply forward the email to the suspected person. Sometimes people don't think!

 

[MissJuneBug]

I do agree with Culturanta about looking for evidence. I am feeling a slight qualm about looking into his devices, if he is an adult. But you probably bought them, and he is living in your house, on your dime. So my qualm is now kicked to the curb. (And anyway, I have looked through my son's stuff--for marijuana. It is my house. And he is exposing me to risk, as well as himself.)

I also agree. Privacy is something you give up when you allow yourself to be financially dependent on someone else. And, quite frankly, had we not done some snooping on son, we wouldn't have realized the depth of his substance abuse issues. I feel like, to a point, a parent who is supporting an adult child has an obligation to know what's going on if something doesn't seem quite right.

 

[pigless in VA]

I'm still struggling with what to do particularly in regards to Ferb.

I do feel that I have a moral obligation to turn this teacher in to the school. I whole-heartedly agree that what she is doing is wrong on many different levels. I also agree that female predator is no different from a male predator. I view her as such. Want to know how she gets to know these boys? She's a gamer. She games with them online and gets to know them. She is approximately 30 years old.

I also know on some deep level that if I act on this, that I may sever my relationship with Ferb completely. He thinks he knows what he is doing. I know this, because I was exactly like him at 18. I had multiple relationships with multiple older men. The difference was that I was open about the relationships. My mother never said a single word about the inappropriateness of these relationships. I didn't understand the impact of those decisions that I made until I was in my thirties.

If Ferb were not hiding this relationship from me, I would be all over it. There is some piece of him which understands that what he is doing is wrong on some level. I also understand that if I am the one who walks into that office and causes an end to all this hanky panky (you know you're old when you use hanky panky), then Ferb will turn on me. He will protect this skanky teacher, vilify me and my tenuous relationship with him will blow like a volcano. I know my child. I want to do what is right; I want to stop her. But my son is my first priority. I have to protect my relationship with him like the delicate egg that it is. He is not emotionally stable. In the past few months he has trusted me enough to get him the help that he needs to stay alive. I must proceed with the utmost caution.

Oh, Ferb owns and pays for his cell phone completely. I think that entitles him to privacy with regards to that device. I do search his room for marijuana.

 

[Copabanana]

Want to know how she gets to know these boys? She's a gamer. She games with them online and gets to know them. She is approximately 30 years old.

What a pervert.

In the past few months he has trusted me enough to get him the help that he needs to stay alive. I must proceed with the utmost caution.

I think you have found your place to stand. With Ferb.

I really, really get this, in the way you have explained it. Every single other thing is true on this thread. But what you have said is the truest. This is the most clearly thought out choice that one could have. Sometimes there are many, many right answers. We have to choose the most right. You did.

I hope in some small way that we have helped you to achieve the clarity you have found.

 

[pigless in VA]

Oh, yes. Of course! I am not done with Mrs. X yet either. I cannot sit back and do nothing forever, although I promise not to do her bodily harm. This woman is a disgrace to teachers.

I do realize that she will never be able to allow one of her own children to attend any school anywhere. Right now she does not have any children, and I think that's a good thing.