MissLulu
Well-Known Member
This article is about estrangement from one’s child, but I think it applies more widely than that. I found it interesting. Should Estranged Parents Give Up Hope?
Interesting article on hope
- Thread starter MissLulu
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BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
I loved this.
I have given up after over a decade. I said so here once and it triggered somebody here who did not want me to encourage a lack of hope. So I backtracked. At least here. However I am done with hope. It made me a prisoner to it's strong pull. I could not move on. I suffered. Everyone around me suffered. So I moved on to radical acceptance of the moment and stopped hoping.
I am better. I have moments of sadness and moments when I hope she will come back. But then I remember that she is not pleasant or sober. I found I could use the Al Anon tool "I can choose how to feel" to move ahead.
I don't know how often I will post. It depends on Kay. If I never see her again I may never post again. And I no longer obsess over the day she will change and love me. It may never happen. I have great retirement years to live and plan on it.
I guess I just needed to vent. Hugs and prayers.
I have given up after over a decade. I said so here once and it triggered somebody here who did not want me to encourage a lack of hope. So I backtracked. At least here. However I am done with hope. It made me a prisoner to it's strong pull. I could not move on. I suffered. Everyone around me suffered. So I moved on to radical acceptance of the moment and stopped hoping.
I am better. I have moments of sadness and moments when I hope she will come back. But then I remember that she is not pleasant or sober. I found I could use the Al Anon tool "I can choose how to feel" to move ahead.
I don't know how often I will post. It depends on Kay. If I never see her again I may never post again. And I no longer obsess over the day she will change and love me. It may never happen. I have great retirement years to live and plan on it.
I guess I just needed to vent. Hugs and prayers.
Busy, I'm glad you have been able to find a place mentally and emotionally that allows you to thrive and be happy in life. What has happened to Kay is a sad thing, but you can't allow the sadness to envelop your entire life and overtake it. It sounds like you have been able to come to terms with the choices she has made and who she really is. And you have your grandson to enjoy and know that he is safe!
MissLulu
Well-Known Member
Busy, I’m glad you got something out of this article. It kind of spoke to me too. Not that I have given up hope as such, because I haven’t. To me this article is about giving myself permission to set hope aside, and allow myself to be happy and live my life now, even if things don’t change or in fact get worse for my son. I’m not sure if I’ve expressed that very well, but I guess it’s about acceptance of what is, rather than living in hope of something else.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Ms. Lulu, I loved this article with which I agree, totally. Thank you for posting it. It puts into words what my own experience has been. A number of years ago I posted here that hope was my enemy, for exactly the reasons this writer makes clear in a way that I could never have done, either then or now.
In these intervening years I have been trying to find a place where hope is located inside of me, not outside of me, contingent upon change over which I have zero control. In these years have come to faith. To me, faith is hope that I maintain within myself, independent of anything or anybody. With faith I can believe in my son while protecting myself. With faith I can hold onto the greatest of hope, which is whole unto itself, and helps me believe in and act from hope. When I waiver and fall I have a place inside of me to return, and this place is undiminished.
I see this forum as a place where parents, mainly mothers, restore their belief in themselves and their lives. First this begins with boundaries. Eventually for many of us we can begin to have our children back into our lives to some extent or another. For me this required first that I be safe and that I give up the idea I had control over and responsibility for my son's life. I also had to forgive myself for failures and errors, and the sense that I deserved to suffer.
A number of the parents who were here when I came 5 years ago, are able now to have relationships with their children. This does not necessarily mean that their children live in the way that these parents would have hoped for; nor does it mean that they can tolerate how their children live. Like Busy says, what has shifted is that the parents no longer define themselves or their lives based upon the circumstances of their children.
For me this is how I now define hope: I am calling upon myself to hold my son as whole, and my love for him as whole, independent of any will or action on his part. It is a hope that comes from faith. Hopefulness is an attitude about life, that I choose to hold. It requires not one thing at all to happen. I am living from hope. Hope has become the lens through which I live life.
I met my son when he was 22 months old. He had been separated from his birth parents since age 2 weeks, and living in an orphanage-type setting. There was nothing about his situation that was hopeful. And yet my immediate connection to and love for him was the most overwhelming force in my whole life. And his for me. We built a life together based upon connection and the greatest of loves.
As he began to act out and suffer when he became an adult, an overriding question was how I could not hang onto that faith and hope, I had had so many years before, when in fact, I should have been afraid. But more important to me is, how to replicate now, that faith and hope that I felt so automatically and completely.
How do I hold hope and faith within myself, and my son, now that I have no control over any result.
I have come to see that the important thing now, is my love for him, and my faith, not how he acts or what he does. I have come to the sense that these things, my love, my faith and my hope are indistinguisable from my own well-being. I will be whole and strong if I can hold onto my love for my son as whole and strong.
In these intervening years I have been trying to find a place where hope is located inside of me, not outside of me, contingent upon change over which I have zero control. In these years have come to faith. To me, faith is hope that I maintain within myself, independent of anything or anybody. With faith I can believe in my son while protecting myself. With faith I can hold onto the greatest of hope, which is whole unto itself, and helps me believe in and act from hope. When I waiver and fall I have a place inside of me to return, and this place is undiminished.
I have a real tenderness for and sense of protection for parents here, that there is a place here, and a voice here that speaks to their fear that they will inevitably lose their children or that their children will live lost lives.
I see this forum as a place where parents, mainly mothers, restore their belief in themselves and their lives. First this begins with boundaries. Eventually for many of us we can begin to have our children back into our lives to some extent or another. For me this required first that I be safe and that I give up the idea I had control over and responsibility for my son's life. I also had to forgive myself for failures and errors, and the sense that I deserved to suffer.
A number of the parents who were here when I came 5 years ago, are able now to have relationships with their children. This does not necessarily mean that their children live in the way that these parents would have hoped for; nor does it mean that they can tolerate how their children live. Like Busy says, what has shifted is that the parents no longer define themselves or their lives based upon the circumstances of their children.
For me this is how I now define hope: I am calling upon myself to hold my son as whole, and my love for him as whole, independent of any will or action on his part. It is a hope that comes from faith. Hopefulness is an attitude about life, that I choose to hold. It requires not one thing at all to happen. I am living from hope. Hope has become the lens through which I live life.
I met my son when he was 22 months old. He had been separated from his birth parents since age 2 weeks, and living in an orphanage-type setting. There was nothing about his situation that was hopeful. And yet my immediate connection to and love for him was the most overwhelming force in my whole life. And his for me. We built a life together based upon connection and the greatest of loves.
As he began to act out and suffer when he became an adult, an overriding question was how I could not hang onto that faith and hope, I had had so many years before, when in fact, I should have been afraid. But more important to me is, how to replicate now, that faith and hope that I felt so automatically and completely.
How do I hold hope and faith within myself, and my son, now that I have no control over any result.
I have come to see that the important thing now, is my love for him, and my faith, not how he acts or what he does. I have come to the sense that these things, my love, my faith and my hope are indistinguisable from my own well-being. I will be whole and strong if I can hold onto my love for my son as whole and strong.
It was the very word “hope,” that brought me to therapy regarding my Difficult Child. I had lost hope. It was a loss. I gave 110 percent and it took a part of my soul. And I made somewhere between very little to no headway. So, no hope. You can’t make other people do what you think is the right or healthy thing. You can encourage, guide, do the carrot and stick Etc. But, in the end..they make their own personal choice. This lack of hope tore into my soul and brought me to my knees challenging my faith. At some point I had to do the proverbial “give it to Gxd,” taking my cue from AA. It brought relief. I do the best I can with our Difficult Child and I wouldn’t exactly say “hope” for the best. I have more of an “it is what it is” attitude. Over many many years, she has made very small inroads and Im grateful. It’s actually a powerful word for me with reference to my Difficult Child.excellent article. Thank you.
BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
In no way have I lost my deep belief in God. I gave Kay to God with no strings attached. I trust God. He will watch over her eternally. No matter what. He loves her.
I have personally given up any expectations. Living in the moment, focusing on myself and the much good in my life and being positive works for me. I feel light, renewed, happy....Kay no longer controls me and I love her but no longer need for her to do better. It's hard to explain. In Al Anon I learned that only one person can make me happy and meet my expectations. That one person is me. Yes, we still do Al Anon, but remotely.
Anyway, I pray for all of you. Hugs and love.
I have personally given up any expectations. Living in the moment, focusing on myself and the much good in my life and being positive works for me. I feel light, renewed, happy....Kay no longer controls me and I love her but no longer need for her to do better. It's hard to explain. In Al Anon I learned that only one person can make me happy and meet my expectations. That one person is me. Yes, we still do Al Anon, but remotely.
Anyway, I pray for all of you. Hugs and love.
Helpless29
Well-Known Member
Thank you for posting this, when I’m feeling certain way, I come back to read this article.
louise2350
Active Member
I loved reading these articles. It was written with extreme truth behind every sentence. I will go back and read from this author when I feel down because of the estrangement of my middle daughter.
