Interesting article: Rigid parenting CAUSES sex in teens!

[Nomad]

It makes sense to me that being overly strict and not presenting the opportunity for honest discussion could lead to rebellion and hence could lead to unprotected/uncontrolled sex. However, it is not a "for sure" thing. As you know...teens tend not to "think." Teens tend to be rebellious. And difficult child teens...well, like Fran says "all bets are off."

In addition, like Terry, I too have seen parents who are willing to look the other way with their children/teens IF and only IF that child/teen does what they want esp. in terms of grades. This includes sex and even other things....they assume or tell the kids where some limits might be...but they are very ULTRA generous when they create boundaries. For example...sex is okay, as long as it is not in my house and you use birth control. Pot is okay, as long as you don't get arrested and you don't use it on a school night.

I do think that parents should let their teens know that they can come to them if they have bc questions and if parents suspect their teens are having sex, they should offer birth control to them. However, I also think that they should encourage them to wait until they are at least 21 and in a steady relationship...preferably married or at least engaged. However, this is the real world and an unplanned pregnancy has major, difficult and life long consequences. Therefore, I think it is better to offer the bc and work around this sensitive subject as best as possible.

It sure is difficult trying to figure out the right thing to do when parenting a teen...doubly so with- a difficult child.

 

[BusynMember]

The thing that has me stuck is that we can encourage kids to wait until 21 and committed all we want. Even good kids are having sex much sooner than that and I at least want my daughter to know about birth control and STDs and how to prevent pregnancies. She isn't a really overly impulsive girl, and that's a plus, but she's very social and well-built unfortunately and I want to tell her things that are realistic. I read "Queen Bees and Wannabes" an absolute GREAT read for moms of teen girls, and the book told the truth. We can and should talk to our kids and keep the communication open. BUT...if they really want to have sex, drink or do drugs, they will. My oldest daughter did, and we tried everything, even homeschooling, and we couldn't stop her. So, with that in mind, knowing that the decision is really up to the teen, I am deciding how to talk to my second daughter (this child who is the one who is closest to me in every way). And I'm picking up a lot of good hints on the internet and in books too. Fortunately, I have been able to give this child and my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son what I couldn't give my other three kids--total stability in a two parent home where Mom stays home. That was certainly not the case with my oldest three kids and my daughter got it the worst--she was 9 when I divorced her father and 12 I remarried and moved out of state. I feel like the drug use was a lot the fault of my own choices that she had no control over. And I talk about it to her a lot. She wasn't one of those "I don't give a darn" kids who just didn't care about anyone or anything. She was hurting, and I feel guilty. I don't want to do anything wrong to this daughter. And, of course, ditto for my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son. Both of these kids seem a lot happier than my older three. I'm trying hard to stay on track so that I do the right things at least for these two children...rambling, I know. Maybe somebody knows what I mean...I want these two children to have fond memories of their childhoods. I don't want my maturing daughter to be pushed too fast just because she looks older. If Marg is around...lol...she saw a pix of daughter and knows that she looks quite mature for her age. The interest she gets from boys worries me, although she hasn't done anything wrong (again, don't ask how I know, I do know.) I want to keep her young and don't want her jumping in to things that make one no longer really a child...I don't have these issues with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son. He is progressing and happy, but not at risk for any risky behaviors.

 

[Nancy]

Fran we had much the same experience growing up, I think we had pretty much the same father. While I never did anything to prove I was irresponsible, I still never got the freedom of choice and couldn't wait to move out. On the other hand, I have tried very hard to give both my girls the freedom to be teens. My easy child still holds the values we tried to instill in her and I know she will always live her life that way. She has always made good choices with her life and therefore has all the freedom she could want.

difficult child has proven time and time again that she cannot be trusted and that she will make the choices that feel good at the time, not ones that will help her grow into a confident, successful woman. Yesterday she asked to go snowboarding with a certain boy. I immediately said no and then had to backtrack because there was no good reason to say no. After clearing that he would pick her up because she still has no driving privileges other than work or school, and making her take her money out of the bank to pay for it, she asked why I was so hesitant at first and what did I think this boy was going to do. I had to explain it had nothing to do with the boy, that she has lied so many times about where she was and what she was doing that we are always suspect and that was her choice by her behavior. I told her I wished I could trust her and not second guess everything she did. I am doing to her what my parents did to me and I'm not happy about it. But she has done nothing to gain my trust or prove she can make good choices and that is the difference.

Nancy

 

[lillians]

i do not beleive that any sexuakl behaviours of our daughter now can even come close to compare to that of a --quote:"normal teen' all of the behaviours since birth dictate that to me,, all are high ridk behaviours,, and its not going to stop anytime soon,,and with her we need to more tightly reigned,,bad--good,, well hopefully good,, our other children were taught ,,and shown that proper is proper and has never changed with the times,, and if they chose to have wearly experiences please be safe,, and open ,,talk talk talk seems to be the way,,my parents were rigid,, and i was a teen mom,, so ,, its usually who what and where,, no set rules in my mind