Intoxicated Difficult Child Went To ER - Suicidal

[ChickPea]

Things have been icky in our neck of the woods.

The last month or so my daughter has lost her job (lied about it, strung us on as if she was employed), and then said she had some other jobs, never seemed to be working, however... just basically kept us in that Money Blowing Machine where we are trying to grab on to the truth and she keeps blowing it around so we are just confused and weary.

At any rate, she's been out drinking, snorting coke (and who knows what else, but those two she admitted to), wanting to come see her baby (and us often having to try to keep her away), and saying she's going to kill herself.

She said she wanted to start doing heroin so she could OD. I said she could certainly have that happen with the alcohol/coke combo she had going on, driving drunk, etc. OR she could just end up in prison for manslaughter for all the drunk driving.

She's been verbally abusive, threatening... you know, just the regular stuff. It's been so draining.

So last night she wanted to stop over (we just really needed a day where we didn't see her, though). She screamed at me, called me names, and then started drinking. Apparently she drove to the bar then, smashed a ton of drinks, drove back to her friend's house and told him she was going to kill herself. He took her to the ER, she told them she was suicidal (her wish is that they would keep her for a week or two). They kept her for the night and she's going to a mental health place for further evaluation today to see what they need to do.

I'm feeling terrible because I didn't go to the ER, and I still really just don't want to see her today. She needs help, and I'm glad she's seeking it out. I hope it's the start of a new direction for her.

But we've been here before. I'm literally having a bit of PTSD-ish feelings from it all. So I'm kind of telling Hope to shut up a bit.

In nearly any other circumstance (or for any other human being) I would have been there. I have compassion up the wahoo for her. It feels so satanical to not feel or react sometimes. So inhuman. But I can't. I have to protect myself right now. But I feel selfish.

Anyway thanks for listening.

 

[Nomad]

What extraordinarily difficult things going on. I’m so sorry.

I think you do have ptsd or something like ptsd.

You were wise not to go to the ER when you knew in your heart this wasn’t what you wanted to do or could do.

Take extra good care of yourself.

 

[BusynMember1]

I stood in your shoes, oozing with compassion for my daughter. I think I burned out. Of course I still have compassion, but I am so tired that I can't feel it. I don't want to see her. I get a headache thinking about her. If somebody says her name, I want to sit in a closet and cry. I can't do it anymore. Husband can't either.

If you need a rest, your daughter is in good hands in a hospital right now. There is nothing more you can do. Take care of yourself.

Be well. God bless.

 

[RN0441]

ChickPea:

I am glad she is where she is. Maybe she is getting to the end of her own rope with her own behavior. If so, that is a good thing!

I certainly understand why you did not go to the ER. And I understand why you don't want to be around her. Who can blame you?? She is awful right now. Whether it's the drugs, alcohol, whatever!! She's not someone you want to be around. I was the same way with my son.

Do I regret it? No. Never. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

As you said, you've been down this road before and it is very hard to get your hopes up. You need to see LONG TERM CHANGE from her before you put your heart back out there. I get it. I have done the same thing. I did it because I do care about ME. I didn't used to care about ME but after over two years of therapy, I learned to care about ME.

We all have limits on what we can or should put up with from our loved ones. Anyone that has been there can understand exactly how you feel. I sure do.

Keep us posted. Enjoy your peace while she is in treatment. If you pray, I would be doing a lot of that right now.

 

[WiseChoices]

Don't beat yourself up for taking care of you. That is all you can do. Your daughter sounds manipulative lying about working, and threatening to do heroin "so she can overdose" without a shred of feeling what statements like those do to your heart as her Mother. You have seen and heard this all before. You are weary and tired and drained.

You were there for yourself , you did what you needed, you took care of yourself. This does not make you evil . It makes you self-respecting and willing to show up as your best self in your own life.

Your daughter is under professional care, she is as well as she could be in this circumstance and no guilt in the world is going to change her situation that she created for herself.

Give yourself a break. Put down the bat, and keep taking care of yourself .

 

[Blindsided]

I stood in your shoes, oozing with compassion for my daughter. I think I burned out. Of course I still have compassion, but I am so tired that I can't feel it. I don't want to see her. I get a headache thinking about her. If somebody says her name, I want to sit in a closet and cry. I can't do it anymore. Husband can't either.

If you need a rest, your daughter is in good hands in a hospital right now. There is nothing more you can do. Take care of yourself.

Be well. God bless.

I feel the exact same way, Busy.

 

[Iamtiredandsad2]

Things have been icky in our neck of the woods.

The last month or so my daughter has lost her job (lied about it, strung us on as if she was employed), and then said she had some other jobs, never seemed to be working, however... just basically kept us in that Money Blowing Machine where we are trying to grab on to the truth and she keeps blowing it around so we are just confused and weary.

At any rate, she's been out drinking, snorting coke (and who knows what else, but those two she admitted to), wanting to come see her baby (and us often having to try to keep her away), and saying she's going to kill herself.

She said she wanted to start doing heroin so she could OD. I said she could certainly have that happen with the alcohol/coke combo she had going on, driving drunk, etc. OR she could just end up in prison for manslaughter for all the drunk driving.

She's been verbally abusive, threatening... you know, just the regular stuff. It's been so draining.

So last night she wanted to stop over (we just really needed a day where we didn't see her, though). She screamed at me, called me names, and then started drinking. Apparently she drove to the bar then, smashed a ton of drinks, drove back to her friend's house and told him she was going to kill herself. He took her to the ER, she told them she was suicidal (her wish is that they would keep her for a week or two). They kept her for the night and she's going to a mental health place for further evaluation today to see what they need to do.

I'm feeling terrible because I didn't go to the ER, and I still really just don't want to see her today. She needs help, and I'm glad she's seeking it out. I hope it's the start of a new direction for her.

But we've been here before. I'm literally having a bit of PTSD-ish feelings from it all. So I'm kind of telling Hope to shut up a bit.

In nearly any other circumstance (or for any other human being) I would have been there. I have compassion up the wahoo for her. It feels so satanical to not feel or react sometimes. So inhuman. But I can't. I have to protect myself right now. But I feel selfish.

Anyway thanks for listening.

My son had an episode 4 years ago. I found him and he was taken to the ER. He was placed under induced coma. I was there, but deep down angry with him. I was tired of the drama. He was hurting but refused to meet with me for understanding and closure. When he woke up, he was upset because "It didn't work." It's been a hard 4 years. It's getting better. It's difficult to understand if you haven't experienced this as a parent. Be strong. She will be angry with you for a while. But they grow up.

 

[ChickPea]

Thanks all.

She said she is there now. She wanted to see the baby before she left and screamed at me about it. She wanted to hang out with him, but I couldn't do it. I just stopped over, and even that was horrible. She was hitting herself and pulling her hair because she was so angry with me. Thank goodness he was asleep. I had to literally set a timer for 5 minutes; I couldn't take it.

It sounds like a 48 hour stay (including a medication consult). I hope that it helps her kick-start a better path. If there's anything I've learned over the years it's when they're in the hospital - take care of yourself. These two days are short, and I'm really going to work on letting myself be OK with her not being out and about right now.

 

[Copabanana]

She wanted to see the baby before she left and screamed at me about it.

Poor you. You don't deserve this.

You are responsible for this baby. Your daughter was out of control and indifferent to how she affects anybody, including him. You have to stay centered and reasonably functional to care for him. And for yourself.

I have missed your updates. What happened with the attorney? Is there a possibility of legal guardianship? Your daughter is falling through the cracks. She is in no shape even to think about parenting a child. Should she push it, you would have to call Child Protective Services. The baby's (and your daughter's) best shot is that you would have legal guardianship.

Whether or not she is mentally ill and/or an alcoholic or addict, she cannot rampage through your life at will. This is what she is doing. Who knows what is going on? It' s start that that she went to ER. This begins the figuring out just what part of this is substances, what may be mental illness, personality and/or immaturity.

I would try to tighten the boundaries. You are caring for her child. She has no right to abuse you. That's what is happening.

Guilt over not going to the ER? I'm sorry. No.

Why? This is not like some virus overtook her. She is living in such a way that the natural consequence of things is instability and worse. Going to the ER with flowers and a card and sympathy and compassion is giving her a reward for very, very poor behavior, towards her family and her child which has been ongoing. Let's say she is mentally ill and self-medicating. There is still no room here for sympathy. What is called for is boundaries. Her behavior presents a danger to herself and to others. Why act like everything is normal when it is not?

That is what I think.

I am so very sorry this is happening.

 

[ChickPea]

Poor you. You don't deserve this.

You are responsible for this baby. Your daughter was out of control and indifferent to how she affects anybody, including him. You have to stay centered and reasonably functional to care for him. And for yourself.

I have missed your updates. What happened with the attorney? Is there a possibility of legal guardianship? Your daughter is falling through the cracks. She is in no shape even to think about parenting a child. Should she push it, you would have to call Child Protective Services. The baby's (and your daughter's) best shot is that you would have legal guardianship.

Copa, yes, life has been crazier than normal. Thank you for asking. The last few weeks of spiraling has been exhausting. And I'm no spring chicken running after a very mobile baby!

Yes, met with attorney. No real new news, but glad we did. He says it's always a gamble, really, but courts are starting to side with grandparents more, not always siding with bio-parents (in light of the heroin epidemic). He said the best thing we were doing was what we were doing and doing it for as long as we can. The longer the better (both for grandbaby, and for custody purposes). So he reiterated much of what I already knew.

He did say that, if we wanted to, we could call CPS, and that would likely start a battle (rather than wait to see if things got better with her or if the father pushed paternity). He said it can get ugly and it doesn't always end well. We do have rights since we are legal guardians (he was very happy we already had that intact), and it is completely legal to have him here. So it's comforting and not comforting, I guess.

UPDATE: They let her out of the psychiatric unit. They changed her medications and referred her to outpatient. She seems OK with that. I'm trying to trust it's all on the up and up, but it's hard when her MO is dishonesty. She wants to drink (less) she said. She also said the psychiatrist told her that she could stay for 3-5 days but the best thing for her would to be out of there, around family and with her child - which makes me wonder what on EARTH she told him to lead him to believe any of that was a good idea! She also remarked on how "crazy" everyone was there. Hmm.

Hopefully she stays out of the bars for a bit. And hopefully she can get in to some of those services quickly.

I'd really not like to see her for a good 48-72 hours. My entire day today was wrapped up in her chaos.

 

[JayPee]

Chickpea,
I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've had to experience. My heart goes out to you .

UPDATE: They let her out of the psychiatric unit. They changed her medications and referred her to outpatient. She seems OK with that. I'm trying to trust it's all on the up and up, but it's hard when her MO is dishonesty. She wants to drink (less) she said. She also said the psychiatrist told her that she could stay for 3-5 days but the best thing for her would to be out of there, around family and with her child - which makes me wonder what on EARTH she told him to lead him to believe any of that was a good idea! She also remarked on how "crazy" everyone was there. Hmm.

I agree with this. What on earth did she tell them? Just when you think she might be getting some "help" they boot her out the door. This is so frustrating. This happens so many times because I think the "system" is just so overwhelmed.

I pray you can collect yourself and that your daughter somehow, someway starts to make good choices for herself.

Sending hugs.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry also. Can you set up a weekly visit or something with her and the baby? Instead of you being on pins and needles?

Perhaps once per week IF she behaves and increase visits IF you see her improving? It's so hard to know WHAT to do to force her to get herself better.

It's almost like she knows her child is in good hands so why not run amok for a while? Know what I mean??

Such a hard thing to deal with. No one prepares us for this kind of parenting. No one knows what will work.

Hugs and prayers for your continued strength.

 

[ChickPea]

I'm so sorry also. Can you set up a weekly visit or something with her and the baby? Instead of you being on pins and needles?

Perhaps once per week IF she behaves and increase visits IF you see her improving? It's so hard to know WHAT to do to force her to get herself better.

It's almost like she knows her child is in good hands so why not run amok for a while? Know what I mean??

Such a hard thing to deal with. No one prepares us for this kind of parenting. No one knows what will work.

Hugs and prayers for your continued strength.

We talked about weekly visits or bi-weekly (I told hubby that I needed this instead of the day-to-day "pins and needles" like you said. It never got implemented, though. Thanks for mentioning that. I think we need to revisit at least for the next month.

I wish her running amok could have also been her removing herself from us a bit (like in the past), but she insisted on seeing the baby even when she really shouldn't (including yesterday). Last night she said she's going to try a 2-week sobriety. We will see...

 

[BusynMember1]

I wish your daughter luck and hope she can focus on long-term sobriety. Rehab would probably be a good step if she is serious.

Keep your boundaries strong. I know it's easy to say and harder to do. Hold that baby close. You are a hero to him.

Stay well. This is so important. Sending much love.

 

[RN0441]

I don't think she should drink at all because she is obviously an addict and cannot control it.

I know this isn't your call but I would repeat that to her. Her cutting back doesn't get her sober and she needs to be totally sober so she can be a good mother. Her son needs his mother.

Unless she removes ALL substances from her body for a long period of time she will not think straight. It takes time for the brain to heal like any other organ but it CAN and WILL heal.

I know that you know all this but it angers me she strings you along like this.

I know when my son wasn't doing the right thing/what he was supposed to do I would get angry and that did help me deal with it all to be honest. It made me able to push him away and realize that HE is his OWN entity.

 

[Albatross]

Joining the circle of support for you, ChickPea. As the others have said, you don’t deserve this and you are everything to that little grandson. I’m praying for a moment of clarity for your daughter during her sober experiment.

 

[WiseChoices]

We talked about weekly visits or bi-weekly (I told hubby that I needed this instead of the day-to-day "pins and needles" like you said. It never got implemented, though. Thanks for mentioning that. I think we need to revisit at least for the next month.

I wish her running amok could have also been her removing herself from us a bit (like in the past), but she insisted on seeing the baby even when she really shouldn't (including yesterday). Last night she said she's going to try a 2-week sobriety. We will see...

This is a good first step in the right direction. She will (most likely) find that she is unable to remain sober for 2 weeks , and this might introduce the question to herself of why that is . Particularly if she feels bad about not being able to do it and maybe confides in you, this is the perfect moment to mention the help that is available in AA. Just plant the seed .It is to be her decision in order to work.

 

[ChickPea]

I don't think she should drink at all because she is obviously an addict and cannot control it.

I know this isn't your call but I would repeat that to her. Her cutting back doesn't get her sober and she needs to be totally sober so she can be a good mother. Her son needs his mother.

Unless she removes ALL substances from her body for a long period of time she will not think straight. It takes time for the brain to heal like any other organ but it CAN and WILL heal.

I know that you know all this but it angers me she strings you along like this.

I know when my son wasn't doing the right thing/what he was supposed to do I would get angry and that did help me deal with it all to be honest. It made me able to push him away and realize that HE is his OWN entity.

I completely agree. She needs to abstain from all substances. And not for a week or two weeks. That's not going to cut it. She's been at it so long (except for the majority of her pregnancy) that her brain absolutely needs healing time. 100%.

Thank you everyone for the gentle reminders and encouragement. I'm so glad she hasn't badgered me about coming over today. I hope she's focusing on herself and every hour that goes by that she can stay out of the bars.

 

[RN0441]

WiseChoice commented on another thread called "Alcoholism" about when and why she quit. It may be good for you to read ChickPea.

 

[Beta]

ChickPea, I just wanted to express my support for you too. What a horrible experience for you to endure, and with the added pressure of your concern and love for your grandbaby. I agree about the designated visitation days/times. That would give you some predictability and help you not be "on pins and needles", in constant fight or flight mode. That's no way to live. I'm also glad you were able to get some counsel from the attorney. I was wondering if the attorney was suggesting that you wait a while longer before taking any action? Did he/she think it was a good idea to contact CPS, in order to establish an official record of her behavior?