Is it ever ok to just be "done?"

[Ironbutterfly]

Yes...and while I will never stop loving her or reject her, my debt, whatever it is, has been paid. I no longer feel obligated to be use up my resources (financially or emotionally) to "balance the books."

The only time I rejected my son was about 8 years ago. I did the tough love. I refused his phone calls for 6 months. He had began calling me every few days for money, it was always an emergency drama situation. He even had a guy in jail call me and say he was protecting him because he knew he was handicapped mentally, but he was getting out and could I bail my son out for 500.00 cause if I didn't he didn't know what would happen to him. I found out this was nothing but a lie and attempt to "yank on my emotions". So, finally one day I took his call. He told me it was the best thing I ever did for him, refusing his calls. I didn't reject him as a person, I rejected his "behavior" towards me.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I don't need a perfect daughter. I don't want to dictate her choices. I am ok in disagreeing with her or knowing I would do differently. It is the use and abuse I can no longer tolerate. I can no longer handle forced interactions that leave me on edge and exhausted from trying to prevent any meltdowns or editing every word I say so that it won't later on get tangled and twisted in her mind to have some sinister meaning. I am tired of defending myself to someone who has already prosecuted, judged and sentenced me in her mind. There is no parole for her resentment, anger and blame.

Exactly. I know my son will never be a "whole, responsible thinking" person in part due to his mental handicap, but also because I know its out of my control. He is 35 and will always struggle with life and society. I have accepted the reality of his life and no longer long for a Mother's dream for their child. I gave him to the Lord at 20 when he was on the streets. The Lord has a hand over him. I reject his "lies" and "emotional manipulation with me- by refusing to get involved in the drama he creates for himself. I listen, but draw a line for my own sanity and emotional health. I can only say for me, it has been so freeing to let him go and whatever will be will be attitude with son. I started living again and have found joy and peace. I realized it's ok to walk away in steps and stages. I pray you find peace and Joy.

 

[BusynMember]

Buddhist concepts a few of us use here are living in the moment called mindfulness radical acceptance which means to accept what is true, even if we don't like it, and move on and many of us meditate.

Tara beach us one of my favorite mentors. She has written many books about Buddhist concepts that have helped me live in the moment and.care gently about myself...so many of us are.hard on us.

I believe detachment originated with AlAnon, but I could be very wrong. Learning to detach was hard for me, but a wonderful skill..I can usually do this now.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Buddhist concepts a few of us use here are living in the moment called mindfulness radical acceptance which means to accept what is true, even if we don't like it, and move on and many of us meditate.

Tara beach us one of my favorite mentors. She has written many books about Buddhist concepts that have helped me live in the moment and.care gently about myself...so many of us are.hard on us.

I believe detachment originated with AlAnon, but I could be very wrong. Learning to detach was hard for me, but a wonderful skill..I can usually do this now.

Oh wow, I love the theory and concepts. I had no idea that what I was doing was Buddhist thinking. Thank you for sharing. Yes, basically what I have come to do to survive my life and his choices.

 

[recoveringenabler]

A Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron has written wonderful books about living in uncertainty, living in chaos and responding in a different way, which she calls "refraining." Her books helped me tremendously to understand and implement (as best I can) the concepts of Buddhism. Detachment, from the standpoint of Buddhism, made sense to me and helped me to utilize different responses with my daughter which ultimately freed me from the tyranny of controlling the outcome in my daughter's life.

 

[SuperG]

So many profound thoughts and statements on this thread - - it will be read and re-read by many of us I'm sure

My response to the question "Is it ok to be done?".... I can in all honesty say I CAN be DONE with my grown Difficult Child. And be perfectly ok with it. Being DONE with her, however, just isn't possible since I have 4 grandchildren that I can't be done with.

Every single day I battle the "what's the best way to react?", "how can I do what's best for the grands without interacting with her more than I already have to anyway?", "how can I tell her what's really on my mind, without starting a war and making things worse?".... EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Never a break from the "what did I do to make her this way?" and other crazy analytical ruminating catastrophizing notions that rule my brain. She's brought 4 little people into this world, and selfishly carries on with her man/men, while they raise themselves.

So yes, I can be done with her. Nothing I could do for her would ever make a difference. In fact, I think she'd be more likely to make some changes for the better (maybe) if I could move to the other side of the country and let the chips fall where they may. But I can't walk away from my grandkids. The tiny people our DCs make are the real victims. I never in a million years would have ever thought I'd be saying all this a mere 12 years ago.